Chapter Thirty #2
“Yes,” I said softly. “It’s over. I know that. I just wanted to get my footing before dealing with paperwork and lawyers. But I’ll go tonight and get my things. Alone. No more drama than already exists.”
Nate nodded, jaw clenched. “Okay. I get it. I just want it done for you, so we can move on. I want to be happy, with you, without all this still swirling around.”
I cringed. I knew he wanted the divorce signed so I could turn all my love his way, like I once did for Cam.
But what if I couldn’t? The love I had for Cam was a different animal, wild and consuming.
I couldn't picture feeling that way again, even for someone as good as Nate.
Maybe, I told myself, that kind of love would grow with time.
Maybe it would be enough. I could see a future for us: companionship, loyalty, the slow warmth of a best friend.
Maybe that would be okay. Maybe it had to be.
∞∞∞
I wasn’t shocked to find Cam home when I got there. He’d been pushing for a meeting, always asking, even as my replies grew shorter and less frequent unless the question was strictly about separating.
For the first time, nerves edged through me. Just thinking about seeing him made my hands cold.
I knocked, and he swung the door open so fast I almost startled backward.
“You don’t need to knock, Livi. This is your home.”
A sharp pang. “Not anymore.” I fished out my keys, holding them toward him. “Here. If I forget anything tonight, just donate it or throw it out.”
He didn’t take the keys; he just stepped aside and let me in.
“You sure you don’t want any of the furniture? For your new place?”
I shook my head, scanning the living room. “You picked it out. You should keep it. And I’m looking for something furnished.”
He looked at me, voice thin. “You’re not moving in with Nate, are you?”
“I don’t plan to.”
“Has he asked you?”
I turned, finally meeting his gaze. The sight stopped me. He looked awful. Deep circles under his eyes, cheekbones sharper, his whole frame smaller. His shirt was wrinkled and buttoned crooked, like he’d given up halfway.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He shrugged, looking away.
“Not really.” Then he let out a thin, dry laugh. “Of course I’m not okay, Livi. The love of my life left me.”
“I didn’t leave you for anyone else,” I said, not sure who I was trying to convince. “It just… wasn’t working. Not anymore.”
He nodded, then shook his head, then tried to find his words.
“I know. I mean, I think we could work, if we tried, but—I know I’m the one who ruined it.
I did the damage. I’ve had a lot of time to sit with that, and I realize how wrong I was.
I keep trying to figure out why I did it.
It wasn’t about sex or needing more. You always were enough, Livi.
It just… I was trying to fill something broken inside me.
I thought it would help, but it only destroyed us. Destroyed me.”
I studied him a while, waiting to see if he’d say more.
“You’ve been thinking a lot.”
He nodded, then offered, quietly, “I’ve been seeing someone.”
The words hit me like a slap. I know my shoulders tensed; it must’ve shown, because he quickly held up his hands.
“Not like that. I mean—a therapist.”
It shouldn’t have mattered, but relief washed through me. I’d expected him to be moving on, a new woman already in his bed, but even so, the idea felt like sand in my mouth. Even after everything, I still loved him. It was that simple.
“Oh,” I said, for lack of anything else. “That’s good. I’m glad it’s helping.”
“She is—I mean, we’re talking about my childhood, why I was so obsessed with having kids. Finding out we couldn’t have a family really wrecked me. I didn’t know how to handle the loss, so I channeled it… wrong. I know that now.”
“But your wish is coming true. You’re going to have a child.” I felt the tears rising, so I turned, heading for the staircase. I didn’t want him to see my face.
Upstairs, I pulled a suitcase from the closet and rolled it onto the unmade bed.
“Sorry it’s a mess. Housework isn’t my strong suit lately.”
It really wasn’t; laundry everywhere, dust on the nightstands. I resisted the urge to gather up his things and clean, the way I used to. That wasn’t who I was to him anymore.
I started pulling clothes off hangers, stacking them on the bed and folding them into the case, piece by piece.
“Still no luck finding a place?” he asked.
I shook my head, still working. “Rent is crazy right now. I can’t afford much on my own.”
He looked at me, careful and quiet. “You have money, Livi. Half of what’s mine is yours.”
I paused long enough to meet his eyes. “I get that. But I didn’t earn it. You worked for it. I don’t want to take it just because we happened to be married.”
“We are married,” he said. “And you are entitled to it. You kept our home and you’re my partner in life. You’re my heart. You deserve your half and I want you to have it.”
I was gathering up the last bit of clothes from the closet, folding them as neatly as I could before adding them to my suitcase.
“I appreciate that, Cam,” I replied. “I really do. But I want to do things on my own. I need to—I guess I need to know that I can. I went straight from college to living with you and I’ve never actually been on my own.
I think I just want to prove to myself that I can be independent, even if it’s on a retail salary. ”
I heard his shoulders slump behind me. He didn’t say anything right away, but I could feel the disappointment radiating from him.
It was in his nature to care for me; he’d been looking after me since the day we met, in small ways and big ones.
Maybe he’d even liked being the provider.
Now, I was taking that away from him too.
I hated hurting him, and I hated disappointing him, but it had to be done.
I thought of Lacey and the baby growing inside her, and I forced myself to stay strong.
There was no going back—not to how we’d been before.
“You never answered my question before,” he said suddenly.
“What question?”
“Has he asked you to move in with him? Nate?”
I shook my head, a handful of underwear fisted in my hand as I opened the suitcase again.
“He hasn’t.”
“Are you still seeing him?”
I hesitated, not wanting to get into it, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie. “I am.”
“I’m not seeing anyone. I haven’t since before you left.”
I looked up at him, just for a second. The hopefulness on his face made my chest ache, but he needed to hear the truth.
“You should. You should move on, Cam. You can be with Lacey if you want—you three can be a family together after the divorce. You should be a real presence for your child.”
“I can be that without being with her. I don’t want anyone but you, Livi. I won’t be with anyone else.”
A lump formed in my throat. If only he’d felt like that before.
“You should, though. I’m going to keep seeing Nate. There’s no going back for us, Cam. I’m sorry. I love you, but—”
He cut me off. “Do you? Love me?”
“Of course. You’ve been my whole life for so long. That doesn’t just… stop.”
“Then give us another chance. I can change. I am changing. We can go to therapy together. I’m working out my problems. I can be better. For you.”
“You should be better for yourself, Cam. For you and for your child. So you can raise him or her as best you can. It’s too late for us.”
“I don’t believe that,” he said, and his voice cracked as his eyes filled with tears. “I messed up. I know that. But please don’t throw our love away because of one hiccup on the stratosphere. It will never happen again.”
“It should have never happened in the first place,” I snapped, sharper than I meant to, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Men go through crises all the time. And yes, some of them cheat—and apparently some ask for permission to cheat. But a lot of them just buy flashy cars or a stupid boat. They calm themselves with things, or hobbies. Why couldn’t you have bought a Ferrari, Cam?
Why did it have to be the one thing that would absolutely destroy me? ”
His face fell. I hated myself a little for saying it like that, but it was the truth. He could apologize for the rest of his life and it wouldn’t change that there was a real, irreversible consequence now.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Livi.”
He started to cry, shoulders shaking, and it broke me. I couldn’t stop myself—I went to him, even though I told myself not to. It was instinct, the way I wrapped my arms around him. The sound of his sobs wrecked me. Even hurting, I didn’t want to see him in pain.
He hugged me back, tighter than ever, and cried on my shoulder. I held him, my chest heaving, and the heaviness of it all pressed on me until I sobbed too. This was it—the end of us. I wished it wasn’t true, but wishing didn’t change anything. There was no fixing this.
“Tell me you don’t love him,” he begged me, voice raw. “Tell me you still love me.”
“I do still love you, Cam,” I whispered. “I always will. I know that can’t ever change.”
“Do you love him?” He pulled back enough to look at me, eyes rimmed red and swollen. “Are you going to marry him after you get away from me?”
I shook my head. “That isn’t even on my radar right now. I honestly don’t know if marriage ever will be again. I’m too afraid of this happening to me again.” I brushed my hand along his stubble. He hadn’t been sleeping right, hadn’t taken care of himself in days, and that made it all harder.
“I care about him,” I admitted. “But it’s nothing like what I feel for you. I’m your heart? Well, you’re mine, too.”
“Then don’t do this,” he pleaded, desperate. “Don’t give up on us. We can get through this.”
I considered it, just for a moment, but nothing changed in my chest.
“Maybe a couple months ago we could have. Maybe if you’d decided to stop before breaking the rules.
And especially before there was a baby. That changes everything.
You should be there for your child. I want you to be—I want that baby to have the best father, and I know it will.
I just can’t stand by and watch it happen.
We didn’t build that together. Even a surrogacy or adoption would’ve been something we did together.
But this is too much for me. And I’m sorry, Cam.
I wish I could be stronger.” I reached up and wiped away the tear that rolled down his face.
“But I’m not. I just can’t be. I love you, baby, but this is the end for us. ”
It took everything I had to pull away from him, finish packing my suitcase, and walk out the door of the home I once loved, leaving my broken husband behind.