Chapter 16
Chapter
Sixteen
Indiri
A baby. Selah told me she was pregnant a few days ago and neither of us had spoken about it since.
It was like we both existed around it, mentally overthinking it, but not speaking on it.
We didn’t talk about it for different reasons, which bothered me.
Though it was made clear that neither of us were going anywhere at any point, a baby made things tense.
Not in a way that we didn’t speak and avoided one another, we just didn’t talk about the baby or its possible existence.
“You have been mugged up for like two days, Indi. What’s wrong?” Jordyn sat next to me in the car. We had just left yet another fucking photoshoot and were now headed to meet Remy and the fight promoter.
I grunted.
“Nigga, speak. What’s wrong?” Jordyn’s expression showed how much I got on her nerves.
“Selah is pregnant.”
Her expression was serious. Then before I knew it she was grinning and cheesing, doing the fucking cabbage patch in the car. “I’m gonna be an auntie… an auntie.” Then out of nowhere she paused and her expression grew serious. “Are we not happy? Is she not keeping it?”
I shrugged. “Hell yeah she’s keeping it, why wouldn’t she?”
“Um, because you don’t seem happy about it. You’re giving off attitude.”
I shrugged. “Shit, I don’t know. I wanna be happy.”
“Okay, then do that. She’s carrying you—”
“You know my upbringing and everything with my mama. How do you know I’ma even be a good father?”
“Because you had one. Yes you have had your difficulties with the absence of your mother and everything else, but you had so much more. You can be a parent and look around. Your child wouldn’t need or want anything.
This is a village and you have that in Chicago too.
Stop telling yourself you don’t deserve happiness because you do.
Selah is not your mother, she wants to be with you and she will be with you.
Your mother made you feel like the life she had before you was so much better and we both know that was selfish. ”
I blinked listening to her talk, nearly regurgitating the words I’d told her over the years.
“Selah doesn’t have a selfish bone in her body, especially not when it comes to you. She will not wake up one day and choose someone over you. Nothing about that woman will regret loving you, Indi. I promise.”
I just looked at her, allowing her words to settle.
She was right and that shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did.
I had been overprocessing this pregnancy like I was the only one who would have to deal with it or be present.
Shit, Selah was nervous as well, yet I allowed my childhood trauma and fear of abandonment to aid me in only considering myself. Fuck.
“I’m right, right?”
I grinned. I hated when she knew she was right and also expected me to tell her she was right.
“And also. You told me you liked Selah’s family. With that being said, neither of you are alone in this. Now can we be happy about this? Because I want to be happy about this.”
I laughed, about to respond, but Jordyn’s phone began lighting up and ringing in her lap. Shit nearly blinded me, like always.
She answered immediately.
While she talked on the phone, I pulled out my phone to check in with Selah.
Our conversation had something heavy on my mind.
Even though I knew I was gonna see her in a matter of hours, I still felt like I needed to talk to her.
I settled for text, knowing damn well if I heard her voice I’d cancel my meeting and be in her face in less than an hour.
Me: You ate today?
Selah: Random but yes. Khia made gumbo. Of course, yours probably tastes like vegetable broth. The pot she made for me has EVERYTHING in it.
I laughed aloud at her response. We didn’t talk about the baby, but her appetite had picked up in a way that made it impossible not to consider. Food made shorty happy as fuck these days.
Me: I miss your greedy ass. I thought you were at the shop for the day.
Selah: I was supposed to be, but then I didn’t feel good. You were up and out at four and I was still in here knocked out.
Alarm traveled through me. Instead of texting back, I had my phone to my ear seconds later, needing to hear the tone of her voice to know if I would be canceling this meeting or not.
“Hello,” she answered, mouth full of food. I could hear it in her tone.
“What do you mean you weren’t feeling good? Are you good? Do you need something?” My mind immediately went to the baby we hadn’t discussed.
“Yes. I’m fine. I was just really tired, I think. Weird headache to, but I’m up and—”
“Eating. I hear it.”
She laughed. “Whatever. I’m about to go watch that new movie I was talking about in the theater room.”
I chuckled. “I thought you were waiting on me.”
“Remy said the promoter pushed the meeting back. So we’re headed back to the house,” Jordyn said, dropping her phone into her lap.
I nodded, focusing back on Selah.
“Did you hear me?” she asked about five seconds after I tuned back into our conversation.
“Nah, Jordyn was talking. I’m on my way home. Don’t start the movie without me.”
“I thought you had a meeting.”
“I did. It got canceled. Do you need anything before I get there?”
“Nope. I’ll see you when you get here.”
“Don’t be sleep either.”
She giggled into the phone. Her laughter brought a smile to my face. Her joy and happiness was becoming mine as well. When she smiled, it did something to and for me.
“I love you. See you when I get there.”
“Love you too.”
I could feel Jordyn’s eyes on me, so I glanced in her direction and she had a big, stupid ass grin on her face. I waited until I dropped my phone into my lap to address her.
“What, man?”
“I don’t get a thank you or you’re right?”
I chuckled. “You right.”
“Oh my lord. In all my days I never thought I’d hear the great Indiri Jones tell me I’m right about something. You hear that, Bigs? He said I’m right.” She fell back into the seat overdramatically, rejoicing.
I laughed hard as hell. “Yo, you’re stupid as fuck.”
“No, I’m right. Bigs drop me at my condo before you take him home to be all in love. I have an appointment.”
“With whom?” I asked, eyes on her as she stared out of the window.
“My business.”
More laughter escaped my lips. “Yeah, aight. Is it ol’ girl who stole your air fryer when you told her it wasn’t working?”
“Um, no. It’s a man and why do you always bring that up?”
“Because that’s lowkey the most memorable shit you’ve ever had besides that goof troop ass nigga you keep around. You only get secretive when it comes to her ass too.”
Jordyn shook her head. “Well, it’s not her and I told you I’m never messing with that crazy bitch again.”
“Good. So who is he? Does Remy know him?”
“No, and he isn’t meeting him. Neither are you.
I feel like every time I introduce y’all to somebody you stand together and pick them apart.
When I met Journee and Selah, I gave both of them chances and grew to like them in my own way.
Moral of the story, I give chances, neither of you do. Where is that fair?”
“Life isn’t fair.”
“Yep, and see? With that attitude I will not be introducing him to you until I’m ready.”
I laughed, not bothering to respond. Jordyn had a fucked-up type.
It was like she loved fucking with motherfuckers with potential not yet seen or tapped into.
She messed with losers and it wasn’t just niggas.
The chicks she went for were fucked up even worse.
She always said I had mommy issues. Well shit, if I did, I knew for a fact she had issues with her father.
By the time I finally made it home, it was late and I fully expected Selah to be asleep. Unc was in the kitchen when I walked in, tearing into the lemon protein bars Selah had tried out for me.
“You’ve been doing good, but I can tell you’ve been distracted. You wanna talk about it?” He stuffed a piece of the bar into his mouth.
I shook my head. “Nah. I’m good. Promise.” I didn’t want to talk to him or anybody else about a baby I hadn’t yet discussed with the woman carrying it.
He stared at me for a long period before nodding. “I love you, son. Whatever it is, just know I’m here.”
“I know.” He was moving past me and patting my back on his way out of the kitchen.
“And tell Selah to keep the protein bars coming, even though I’d absolutely love a 7-Up cake.
Put a good word in for an old man, would you?
” He was gone quickly thereafter, leaving me to go to the room to check on Selah.
To my shock, she wasn’t in there, which meant she was downstairs in the movie room.
Instead of going right down, I stripped down and found something comfortable to put on. I was looking for my slides, but when I didn’t see them in my closet, I already knew Selah had them. She loved putting my shit on.
A few minutes later I was descending the stairs to the basement.
I didn’t hear the TV and the lights were off, meaning she was asleep.
However, when I turned the corner into the room, I found her curled up in the corner of the sofa staring at her phone.
Whatever she was looking at had all of her attention, so much that she hadn’t realized I’d entered the room until I spoke.
“Thought your ass was knocked out.”
She sat up, cutting her eyes from her phone to me. “I was on my way, but Siyah sent me this damn cake idea for my niece’s birthday.” Her face soured.
I laughed. “What’s the problem?”
“She wants a four-tier cake with a damn Barbie in the middle. She’s at that phase where she’s obsessed with princesses.”
I nodded, not yet approaching where she sat because this was the perfect time to get what I had been thinking about off my mind.
“Why are you all the way over there?”
“Because I need to talk to you about something. When I’m in your space I tend to do less speaking and more touching.” I winked at her and she giggled.
“Okay then, talk, because I still want to watch this mov—”
“I want our baby, with you.”
That statement shut her up quickly. Her lips literally popped shut.
“I know we haven’t talked about it, and you haven’t brought it up because of me, and I’m sorry for that.
I probably made you think I didn’t want our baby, but I do.
I let my overprocessing and childhood trauma cloud what’s right in front of me.
When I was a kid, all I could remember about my mother was her inability to stay or be present with me or my father.
When she was home with us, it was like she was unhappy and full of regret.
Even as a child I could tell she didn’t want to be with us.
She’d rather be elsewhere. And sometimes she did just that, disappearing for months at a time.
She chose whatever life she had over us.
When she got sick, she stayed with us and died soon after. ”
“Indi—” she started but I held up my hand to stop her.
“When my father died, he told me that he wasn’t my biological father.
He’d known because though he loved my mother she’d never loved him.
I also found out that G and Jade weren’t only my cousins but my siblings a little after Reminisce and Rennix popped up.
We all shared a biological father. My mother stepped out on my father with her sister’s husband, a drunk nigga going nowhere fast. He’s dead now too, as of about two months ago. ”
She was on her feet in seconds. “Indiri, I’m never going to leave you.
I am not your mother and I’m sorry she missed out on the man you are today.
I’m sorry they all missed out, but I promise you I’m going to love you with everything in me because I already do.
This baby was created out of that love, from us.
If we’re going off time, this happened fast but for once that doesn’t matter to me.
This matters to me.” She pointed to my chest.
“And you matter to me…both of you.” My hand went to her flat stomach and we locked eyes.
She smiled hard. “Good to know.”
“Now that you’ve realized you are stuck with me, are we about to watch this movie or are you gonna tell me you’re tired?”
I laughed. “Nope. I’m about to watch you fall asleep, ’cause just from the title I can tell this shit is about to be ’bout boring as hell.”
She shook her head. “Nope.”
We ended up starting the damn movie and it was boring as hell like I said.
Like so fucking boring, she was asleep fifteen minutes in and I was carrying her up to the bedroom three minutes after that.
Once I had her in bed, I went to grab something to drink from the kitchen.
In the midst of grabbing the bottle, my phone began vibrating in my pocket.
When I pulled it out, I saw it was Reminisce.
Of course it was, where would I be without his random calls.
“Yo.”
“Where have you been, baby boy?” Rem asked, voice loud as hell through the phone.
“Some of everywhere. What’s up with you? How is everybody?”
“They good, everybody ready for you to knock ol’ boy on out. That nigga’s mouth never shuts.”
I laughed. “It really doesn't.”
“Like nonstop. But how have you been? Usually hear from you once or twice a week but ain’t heard from you since the trip. I know you all in love and shit, but you still got siblings nigga.”
More laughter escaped my lips. “Nah, it ain’t like that at all. We got back and life has been nonstop, things are hectic and the time is winding down.”
“Nonstop like what? Talk to me, Indiri.” Of course he read between the lines.
“Nothing too much. I’ve been in my head a lot. Fight’s coming up and life just feels like everything is going a little faster than normal.”
“Talk to me, baby bo—”
“Selah is pregnant.”
“Damn, for real? How do you feel about that?”
“Shit, at first I didn’t know. With my mother being how she was and my fath—” I started but Rem stopped me.
“It ain’t about either of them. It’s about you, Indiri. You made a baby. How do you feel about that?” He emphasized the you this time.
“’Bout scared as fuck, honestly, but I love her. And I know we got this.”
“That’s what I’m trying to hear. You’re absolutely right; you got this.
Ain’t shit about it easy, but it’s worth every stress.
You know firsthand I never saw myself in the space I’m in, but I’m here, I swear this shit makes me better as a man.
You’ll see. You just have to be willing to put in the work and be wrong a lot more than you’re right, even when you’re right. ”
Rem’s words made sense.
“You’re right, but we talked about it. Selah and I are on the same page. This is something new for both of us. We’re gonna figure it out. Together.”
“As you should. Now do yourself the honor of handling the emotional shit before you step in that ring. Make sure your shit is secure and step into the ring a beast.”
I nodded as if he could see me. There was no other way to step into the ring.