Chapter 13 River #2
It forced me to own up to what I already knew.
That night, like many other events in my life, is my fault, and there isn’t shit I can do about it.
All decisions, even accidents, had consequences. If anything, tonight only proved that further.
But suddenly the fire disappeared, and I wasn’t in my childhood bedroom anymore. I was back in reality. The surreal reality of Alex lying on my chest, peering up at me with more worry than he had when he woke up delirious.
“Jesus, Riv,” he breathed, his hand under my shirt and roaming my chest. “You okay?”
Only then did I realize I was drenched in sweat, my shirt was damp, and my body was warm. My eyes were bloodshot, a fact I was well aware of, considering how often Carson had woken me from the terror. I was freaking Alex out.
I sighed as I ran my fingers through his hair and tried to redirect him. “Are you?”
His head cocked to the side as his heavy eyelids fluttered, confused. “Were you having a nightmare?”
My eyes flickered to the ceiling, and I swallow hard. Alex’s hand continues circling over my chest hair, the motion grounding me better than anything ever had after enduring a nightmare.
“Yeah,” I admitted, surprising myself. “But it’s okay.”
“Is it?”
A sleeping Millie stirred beside us—I’d forgotten she was here, too. “Of course, bunny.”
“You lying asshole.” Alex shifted on my chest, a weak but bitter chuckle escaping him. “You remember who I am. Otherwise, you wouldn’t call me that or hold me like this.”
I shut my eyes again, my body willing me to drift off again. Which was why these next words came out of my mouth. “No amount of time in the world could make me forget you, Alex.”
“Thanks, dude.” I took the box from the delivery guy, slipping a five-dollar bill in his hand before he walked off.
I bought half a dozen red velvet and wedding cake flavored cupcakes from a bakery that recently opened down the street.
Not only had I been dying to try them, but Alex needed a serious pick-me-up.
If his favorite flavor hadn’t changed, then he still loved red velvet, making this a pleasant surprise for him.
Shutting the door with my foot, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I already knew who it was.
Car Car
Still at Alex’s?
You have my location don’t you?
I chuckled at my reply, knowing that Carson’s eyes just rolled to the very back of his head in irritation.
Car Car
Coach will lose his shit if you miss practice again
He’ll survive
Car Car
Yes. He will. You won’t.
I’m not leaving until he’s completely recovered
The typing bubbles appeared and disappeared multiple times before the message was sent.
Car Car
’ll cover for you as long as I can
I loved my brother.
Yesterday, Car made up the excuse that I wasn’t feeling well, and while the whole team caught my bullshit, they chose not to make a fuss about it. Tonight I wasn’t sure if I was going. It all depended on how Alex felt and whether anyone would be there for him.
College ball wasn’t like high school. Back then, you could miss a few practices in a row and show up to the game with no problem, especially if you were a decent player.
Now? Missing practice without a valid reason was basically a war crime.
If I kept it up, I wouldn’t get to play much, if at all, in the upcoming game.
Not only that, but Coach would have my head on a pole next practice. Whatever, to hell with basketball if it meant leaving Alex alone again.
I entered the bedroom with a wide grin, expecting to find him still snuggled in bed like he needed to be. Instead, I found him sitting up with a laptop in front of his face, as if a screen wasn’t the last thing he needed.
Alex looked at me with the eyes of a guilty dog. With shoulders slumped and his lips pressed together, he already sensed the lecture was about to come out of my mouth.
“I’m just sending a friend notes,” Alex blurted first. “I won’t be on this for long.”
Scoffing, I set the cupcake box on the bed. “What friend?”
His head hung low. “Rory. You don’t know him.”
Oh, didn’t I know fucking Rory.
“Rory.” His name felt like venom coming out of my mouth. “He can wait.”
“He’s failing,” Alex persisted.
“Boo-hoo,” I pouted dramatically, and it earned a smirk from him. “You need to take care of yourself before others.”
I said that, but I knew it was in one ear and out the other for Alex.
When his sister came to pick up Millie, he wouldn’t even tell her he had his first seizure in years, all while he was watching her daughter, who ended up being a witness to the whole thing.
The only way Annabelle would find out was if Millie spilled the beans, and she had yet to do so.
“So being selfless is a bad thing?” he challenged, a minor offense in his tone.
“If it’s at your own expense, then yes.”
Alex’s brows knit together as he tried to stay firm in his stance. Still, I could see the waver behind his eyes. He knew I was right.
The bed dipped as I climbed onto it and opened the cupcake box. “I bought us something.”
His eyes lit up at the picture-perfect treats. “Is that red velvet?”
I nodded as I carefully handed the frosted pastry to him. “All for you.”
Alex was as giddy as a kid in a candy store. His eyes glistened with hunger, reminding me of the way his niece’s eyes enlarged whenever someone mentioned buying her pizza or a chocolate bar.
Impatiently, he brought the cake to his mouth and bit into it. It wasn’t long before a low, satisfied hum sounded from him as he put his free hand over his mouth and swallowed. “This is amazing. And you bought red velvet. It’s my—”
“Favorite? Yeah, I hoped you still liked it.”
Alex’s shoulder brushed against mine, his expression complexly bittersweet. “Glad you don’t actually have amnesia.”
With a sigh, I placed my half-eaten cupcake back into the box and folded my legs into a pretzel position.
I faced him, but the way he sat stiffly made me think he wasn’t so sure that I had been lying the whole time.
Part of me actually convinced him of the lie, and even with it out in the open, he was doubtful.
I had to kill that doubt. “Each year, when you would bring cupcakes to the class for your birthday, they were always red velvet, and I always complained because I thought red velvet was just chocolate in disguise. I still stand by that, by the way.”
His lips pulled into a smirk. “You just have bad taste buds.”
“Nope.” I popped the P. “It’s just chocolate cake dyed red. You’re brainwashed by society into believing they’re different flavors.”
“Wow, all this time apart and you’ve become a conspiracy theorist,” he spoke as if he had figured out an unsolvable mystery.
Our thighs bumped as I laughed. “It’s a side thing for when I’m tired of basketball.”
He took the last bite of his cupcake. “I didn’t think you could ever get tired of basketball.”
Alex balled the cupcake wrapper in his hands. He focused, stuck his tongue out slightly, and tossed it in the garbage.
“I didn’t think you could make that shot.”
Alex’s mouth fell agape as he pushed my shoulder. “Idiot.”
Chuckling, he brushed a stray brown strand out of his face, and his genuine smile made my heart flutter.
His shoulders were loose and his mind carefree, like he wasn’t holding the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Maybe my dessert offering played a role, or it could have been my company.
Regardless, I was happy that he wasn’t stressed for once.
“I’ve missed you,” I blurted against my better judgment.
That easygoing manner he just had about himself? Gone. The second I opened my goddamn mouth, I killed the mood.
His gaze met mine, harsh but not accusatory. “Why did you pretend you didn’t remember me if you missed us so much?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “It was the only thing I could think of.”
He shook his head, confused. “Think of for what?”
The response was not straightforward, or maybe I didn’t want to answer that question. Was acknowledging I lied not enough?
“I can’t explain it.”
Alex’s jaw clenched, yet I found his lack of shock at my silence insulting.
It was almost like he never believed I’d fully share at all.
“You meant everything to me, but then you made me feel like there was something wrong with me. And then you didn’t stop there; you came back and acted like I was forgettable. ”
My gaze fell, unable to look at him. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are,” he whispered, more to himself than me. “And… I want to forgive you so badly. If there’s anything these past couple of months have taught me, it’s that I need River Moore in my life.”
I need Alex Pierce in my life.
Every action I made had a reason when it came to him. Whether or not it was logical, my gut said it was the best choice, and I trusted it.
Like right now, I should have told Alex exactly why our friendship ended the way it did.
But my gut was screaming, warning me that it was the wrong choice in the long run. There were too many reasons that could blow up in my face.
So, again, the words couldn’t come out.
I intertwined our fingers. “I would if I could, but I can’t.”
“Tell me why,” he stated firmly.
“I can’t.”
“I deserve to know.”
He was right. “I don’t think it would be fair to you if—”
“If you won’t tell me why, then you need to leave me alone.”
His soft, warm hand broke free from mine and rested firmly on his lap. I instinctively wanted to reach for it, to ease the chill that had replaced the warmth of his hand, but I refrained.
“I don’t need the stress,” he muttered. Alex tugged at his hair, and again, I had to stop myself from touching him.
“Telling you will add stress,” I maintained. “It’s gonna hurt you.”
“You’re hurting me.”
His disapproving gaze, as if he’d lost all hope in me, burned inside me. I rose to my feet, still torn between speaking honestly and remaining silent.
Alex didn’t understand. I could not be the reason that his relationship with his parents took a turn for the worse. Though they were controlling, they weren’t so bad that they deserved their son to turn against them.
Besides, I proved his parents’ theory right.
When they told me that my “chaos” caused his seizures, I didn’t believe them. To Mr. and Mrs. Pierce, I was too much of a wild card and all over the place for their angel of a son.
But they were at least somewhat right. Stress was a trigger for his seizures, and I had a habit of bringing that. It was confirmed in my head when he had his first seizure in years after I reappeared in his life. Dammit, I hated when adults were right.
If I spent enough time around him, I’d do to him what I did to my dad, and I’d never forgive myself for it.
As I left his apartment, chest tight and already regretting my decision, I wondered: was that really my gut feeling?