Chapter 15 Alex
Chapter Fifteen
ALEX
“You aren’t going to flunk, Alex,” Javier enunciated his words slowly.
My fists gripped the ends of my hair. “I’m not any good at this, and it doesn’t help that I am now two weeks behind.”
Biology was leaving me in the dust as the rest of the class continued to learn. I was already struggling before, so trying to play catch-up after spending damn near two weeks recovering from two breakthroughs was practically impossible, even with my friends’ help.
“You have a medical excuse, so they can’t penalize you for that.”
I slammed the laptop shut so hard I feared the screen had broken. “Medical stuff doesn’t change the fact that I’m terrible at biology and hate it.”
Eli, painting Millie’s nails purple as he turned over his shoulder, frowned at me. “You ever considered switching your major?”
Many times, but my parents would never let me live it down.
I felt eyes staring a hole through my head, but I didn’t have to look to see whose they were. Millie’s glittery, eyeshadow-covered eyes showed the same worry they had since my first seizure. The makeover routine I asked Eli to give her to distract her from studying my every move was failing.
My lips parted to respond, but a knock made me stop.
Javier, already on his feet, walked toward the door.
Whenever the door made a noise, I’d get a flicker of hope that the person I was waiting for was there.
My sister, and once Rory, were always the ones who would arrive, but I kept picturing the tall basketball player I had layers of history with.
Until I remembered he had withheld the truth, even though I used to be the one he could tell anything to. He chose to end what we could have had for a reason I didn’t know. He chose to walk away, just like he had seven years ago.
Picture my surprise when the man in question showed up at my door.
Millie’s eyes lit up with a gasp. “River!”
River’s hand went up, his eyes showing a strange fear and a faraway look, as he slumped forward. “Hey, Millie.”
My niece’s head cocked to the side, and her nose scrunched in confusion at River’s dejected attitude. Still, she was smiling, and the worry in her eyes had lessened.
Seeing how drained River appeared made my chest tighten. His eyes met mine, and it was as if I was gazing into a raw, unfiltered version of him, his eyes swirling. It was the unguarded version of him that I used to see all the time.
Javier and Eli shared similar looks, their brows raised and eyes analyzing the tension in the room. The silence between the four of us made me shift in my seat, praying not to have to be the one to say something first.
“Hey. I’m Eli.” Eli, with the nail polish brush in his hand, pointed at his boyfriend. “And that’s Javier.”
River glanced at them, and his lip quirked in a weak attempt at a smile. “River.”
“Wouldn’t it be so cool if my name were Ocean?” Millie asked enthusiastically. “We’d be River and Ocean!”
“That would be awesome, Millie.”
Despite how monotone he spoke, his words made Millie’s grin grow ten times wider.
Javier quietly observed the room before he slowly turned to Eli. “Are you hungry?”
He shrugged. “Not really.”
“Are you sure?” Javier asked through gritted teeth. “Millie, are you?”
“Only for pizza,” my niece said simply.
“Let’s get pizza.” He took Millie’s hand, and she stood up happily.
The three of them left, and my friends gave me winks of encouragement on the way out. I clasped my hands together and silently thanked them for taking my niece out of my hands.
By the time the door closed, River was on the couch, one leg crossed up and the other tapping the floor quickly beside me. He bit his nails anxiously, looking as if too many thoughts were running in his mind and he couldn’t keep up.
“I never wanted to ghost you,” his voice wavered as he spoke. “I wanted to make everyone who hurt you suffer, so you can imagine how it destroyed me to be the one hurting you instead.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yet, you did it anyway.”
It was like I crushed something inside him. “I thought it was best.”
Unable to take the distance between us anymore, I sat beside him. Only then could I see just how hard he was holding it all in. The inner turmoil was difficult to watch, and I struggled to stay pissed.
River wrestled with his words, unwilling to utter them, but aware of the necessity. “I cause your seizures. You get stressed when I’m around, and that triggers it. It always has.”
My eyes narrowed. “Bullshit.”
“Doesn’t seem like it.” His head slowly turned until his eyes met mine.
“I didn’t always believe it, but your parents had been telling me it was true.
So, when I saw you all these years later, I thought pretending to not remember you would make it easier to stay away.
It didn’t, obviously, but I kept up the lie because I was in too deep, and I didn’t want you to get mad at your parents. ”
“Wait, my parents?” I asked, repulsed at the thought of my parents meddling having anything to do with this.
Eyes widening, he cupped my cheek. “Don’t be upset with them, okay? They were just looking out for you.”
Looking out for me? No. More like looking out for the version of me they were so desperate to mold me into.
“That’s why you cut me off? Not because of the kiss, but because my parents are assholes?”
River’s thumb rubbed gently behind my ear, the action seeming to ground himself more than me. “You thought I acted like an idiot because of a quick peck on the lips in my bedroom seven years ago?”
“Can you blame me? I kiss you, and barely a month later, we aren’t friends anymore.”
A harsh, regretful laugh escaped River, one caught between the water in his eyes he was fighting to hold back. He shook his head bitterly. “I’m such a dick.”
He was so hard on himself. We were kids navigating complicated feelings, so of course our actions weren’t completely logical. I wanted to tell him that, yet the words fell short on my tongue. I was still reveling in the other realization I had come to.
Convincing my at-the-time thirteen-year-old best friend that he was the reason for my seizures was fucking low.
They coerced the only person who had my back into ending our friendship for shits and giggles.
An action that left me in shambles. That wasn’t out of love and concern; it was out of control.
River sniffed, still moving his thumb against me as he pulled me closer.
The only other time I’d witnessed him so upset was when we were nine, and he’d accidentally killed his goldfish.
I looked into his tear-filled, unfocused eyes, and noticed his shallow, rapid breaths…
His distress wasn’t just about our friendship—it was bigger than that.
“Hey, listen.” I took both my hands and closed them around his cheeks, grounding him. “My seizures come from stress, not from River Moore.”
“River Moore can be stressful,” he whispered. Guilt swam in his pupils. The eyes of someone who had made a mistake and was still blaming themselves in more ways than one.
“You aren’t stressful, Riv. You’re just… chaotic at times. I’ll never fault you for that.” Calmly, I pressed a hand to his heart. “It’s what I’ve always adored about you.”
I found it crazy that his perceived flaws were what I admired in him. Did he know I strived to be like him? Fun, carefree, and chaotically impulsive. Did he know I was only ever close to those things when he was part of my life?
My childhood friend was like a guilty pleasure. He found it hard to make concrete decisions and frequently acted on whims, especially in his youth, and he was the antithesis of structure. A great contrast to how easily I became tense and did exactly as I was told.
But I could never stay away, even if it meant defying everything I knew.
River’s hand landed on top of mine, pressing my hand further into his chest. His chest rose and fell in a steady motion, much better than it was when he first barged in here. My gaze fell on his lips while his hand rubbed along my arm slowly.
He closed the small distance between us with a hitch of his breath. With a firm grasp on my face, he kissed me with everything he had. His pull had me straddling his lap in seconds, and his free arm tightened around my waist with no room for me to leave.
Pressing my lips against River’s was like muscle memory. Our bodies knew exactly how to mesh together like two puzzle pieces, despite only having done it a few times. I assumed it was similar to how easy staying close to each other was when we were kids, always finding ways to cuddle.
“I’m sorry for lying,” he mumbled between my lips.
River lightly bit my lower lip, and I instinctively roamed his muscular chest with my hands. My fingers dove into each curve and crevice like it was heaven, and all I wanted to do was tug the shirt off of him.
My childhood friend had the same idea. He tugged at the bottom of my tee, eyes searching mine for any sort of sign I wanted to. My heart pounded in my ears. I nodded, and we tossed both of our shirts onto the floor the next second.
Now off his lap, River eagerly kissed from my neck down to my chest, and I let my fingers roam in his hair. When his lips made it past my waistband and hovered over my crotch, I felt a jolt in my pants.
“Hey,” I warned softly. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
His big brown eyes peered up at me. “You’re the only thing I’m ever sure about.”
“You just… were a little emotional.”
“Alex.” River’s hand trailed my thigh, sending a shiver down my spine. “Being close to you brings me comfort, you know that? If you’re okay with this, I’m more than okay.”
Fifteen minutes ago, River barged into my apartment in a panicked frenzy that had me thinking he’d just learned the worst news of his life. Now, he knelt before me, hand hovering over the bulge in my pants, looking up at me and ready to do things I used to think would remain in my dreams.