Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
RIVER
“You’ve been back for days, and I still feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Alex gushed.
I let my arm drape over him. “Clingy, much?”
“Do you think it's a bad thing?”
I stared at the ceiling and shook my head while I absentmindedly rubbed his back. “Not at all.”
Alex peered up at me with a slight frown on his face. He could tell I wasn’t fully there. “You still thinking about the game?”
That, and everything else. Nodding, I let out a sigh.
The first weekend of the NCAA game ended three days ago, and we didn’t advance. While we won the first game, the next team was strong. It wasn’t a wipeout, but we still lost.
“At least you made it there. Lots of teams can’t say that.” Alex patted my chest encouragingly.
“You’re right. There’s always next year.” I intertwined his legs with mine. “I just wish my dad could’ve seen me.”
“I know,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, Riv.”
I remembered the last game my dad was at like it was yesterday.
It was my first game at TXST. I wasn’t in the starting lineup, but I wasn’t a bench rider either. He and Mom had gotten custom-made shirts with my face plastered on them, and they made sure everyone saw them. It embarrassed me to death, and now I wished I could go through it again.
Dad was my first coach. Basketball was his life when he was a kid, so when he realized his only son liked it too, he raised me to be the prodigy he always wanted to be.
I recalled a game from when I was roughly seven-years-old. It was my first real one after years of practicing, and I was so nervous about it that I cried the entire ride there. In the parking lot of the building, before taking us in, Dad knelt before me and took my hands in his.
“River,” he said, eyes firm on mine. “What’s really bothering you? Because I know it isn’t this game.”
I sniffed. “I don’t want to mess up.”
“Messing up is normal, I’ve told you that.” Dad poked my chest firmly. “What is wrong?”
My eyes hit the floor, still watery and brimming with tears. Then, I whispered, “I don’t want to disappoint you.”
The floodgates opened, and I then was crying in the busy parking lot before the game. The other six and seven-year-olds looked at me as they passed, probably thinking I was going to be easy to beat. I wanted to go home.
“River, look at me,” Dad demanded. Our eyes met. “The only way you can disappoint me is if you don’t get out there and give your all.”
“But… but what if I miss? Or—or let the ball go out of bounds?” I asked shakily.
“Then you messed up, but it’s okay, son,” he told me, giving my hands a tight squeeze. “I’m proud of you right now, and I’ll be proud of you after this game. I’ll always be proud of you, even when you aren’t proud of yourself. Do you understand?”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and gave a sharp nod. Dad pulled me into a tight embrace, and then he brought me into a gymnasium for my first official basketball game. My team won that night.
Alex drew shapes on my chest with his fingernails as he hummed, and again I wondered if this was real. How did I land such an amazing person? He knew nothing about what happened to my dad, and even with all my nightmares and sadness, he never pushed me to share.
I loved him for it.
I took a shaky breath. “Since TXST was close to my old house, Carson and I lived there our first year of college. Do you remember how strict my dad was with the bills? He never wanted me to leave the space heater running, even when it was freezing outside.”
Alex chuckled. “Yes, I remember freezing my ass off in your house. Then your mom would get mad at your dad because he’d rather us be cold than run the heater.”
“And then we’d get to use it because she threw a fit.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the memory. “Well, one day, I got mad too. My dad had been on my nerves that entire day, and when I finally got home from class, he wouldn’t let me use my space heater.”
“So, did you suck it up and freeze?”
“No, I used it anyway. I had done it lots of times before without him noticing.” I tightened my arm around Alex, pulling him closer to me. “Car and I had practice that evening, and when we left, I accidentally left it on.”
Alex’s body stiffened. I guess it was obvious where this story was headed.
I swallowed the huge lump in my throat. “I don’t know exactly what started the fire.
Maybe it was either the mess of papers scattered throughout my room, the curtains right beside it, or the tangled cords that caught it.
All I know is that when we got back, the fire department was outside the house.
My parents tried to put it out, but it was spreading too fast and… ”
His warm hand pressed against my cheek. “You don’t have to say it.”
“I do,” I stated, fighting hard to stop the tears from falling. Alex gave me the seconds I needed to continue. “Dad had heart problems, and with all the smoking, plus the prolonged smoke inhalation from the fire, he fell into a coma.”
I wasn’t the only one fighting to hold back tears. Alex’s eyes glistened, and tears began escaping his eyes. My heart ached more than it had before seeing him so upset.
“And you think it’s your fault.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. “You can’t blame yourself for that. It was an accident.”
My fingers couldn’t resist running through his hair. “Accident or not, I caused it.”
Alex pulled my face down to meet his, curls falling in his face as he held me like my life depended on it. “Your dad wouldn’t tell you that.”
No, he’d tell me it was a mistake. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, mine ended in tragedy, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. All I could do was keep going, just like he would.
Alex gave me the strength to keep going when my dad’s words weren’t enough. He always did without even trying. At some point, I started seeking him out when things went to shit because his words were the only ones that got my heart to believe.
The only ones that got me to truly feel that I was okay.
“Remember when we signed up for the school play in sixth grade?” I blurted.
He blinked, jarred by the sudden subject change, but he eventually nodded. “The one and only play we ever participated in.”
“I was so excited for it— I think because it was something I had never done before. I thought I was going to be the next big actor slash basketball star.” My lips tugged into a grin at the thought.
“And then I forgot my one big line on the stage. Afterward, I was too afraid to face my parents and our classmates because I thought I’d just proved to everyone that the only thing I was talented at was basketball. ”
His nose scrunched, and I could tell he was wondering where I was going with the story, but he smiled solemnly. “I remember.”
“But then you found me pouting on the bench in the hallway, like a baby. You sat down beside me and told me how proud you were that I tried something new, and that everyone else's opinions didn’t mean shit as long as it was you and me. Alex and River. As you comforted me, I wondered why words like that only ever felt meaningful when they came from you, and I never figured it out. But… but now I understand that it was because it was the moment I realized it’s always been you.
It was the moment I realized I was in love with you. ”
The muscles in his face relaxed into parted lips as he stared at me.
With his chest pressed against mine, I could feel the rise in his heartbeat, and it only quickened my own.
Admitting that I had always been in love with Alexander Roscoe Pierce, even when there was too much going on for me to understand it, was like letting go of that part of myself that was holding me back from everything—and everyone—I feared I was hurting.
“I’m still in love with you, Alex,” I whispered, as if raising my voice would make him vanish.
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he choked back tears. “I’m in love with you, River.”
Alex’s tears, cold and wet, touched my bare chest as he rested his head there. As afraid as I was to tell Alex the entire story, I felt a sense of relief after I finally did. Though guilt lingered, it was lighter because I wasn’t alone in carrying it.
We fell asleep like that, cuddled in each other’s arms. Alex’s arms were where I spent most of my time lately, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It was only an hour later when my phone’s loud ringing cut our slumber short. I groggily grabbed the phone, and my heart sank upon seeing the caller’s name.
Alex stirred atop me, and I put the phone on speaker. “Hey, Mom.”
“My star boy,” she greeted softly. “Were you asleep? It’s the middle of the afternoon.”
I yawned. “Power nap.”
“Oh,” she whispered. I could tell from the strain in her voice that something was wrong. “Are you alone?”
“I’m with him, Mrs. Moore,” Alex said, still half-asleep. “It’s Alex.”
“Alex, sweetheart, it’s been so long. I hope to see you soon.”
A subtle smile appeared on Alex’s face. “Me too.”
While they were having their reunion, my heart was beating in my ears. Doom was in the air, and I grew impatient waiting to hear the inevitable from my mother—the one conversation I’d been avoiding for months.
Blonde hair appeared in the doorway. Carson smiled weakly at me as he leaned against the door frame, like he was standing guard. I don’t think I can take this.
“River, baby, are you there?” Her tone was bittersweet.
The words were slow to leave my mouth. “Yes.”
“There is no easy way to say this.” A long pause. “I… I signed the paperwork. We’re doing it tomorrow.”
I couldn’t recall what had happened after that. Maybe I yelled, or maybe I cried. Perhaps I became silent because my body was numb and my mind felt like the world was closing in on me despite Alex and Carson’s comforts.
All I could focus on was my father’s words replaying in my head.
“I’ll always be proud of you, even when you aren’t proud of yourself.”
I believed him.
“I am very sorry for your loss,” said a woman who claimed she used to change my diapers. “Your father was an amazing man and loved you so much.”
I offered her a weak, drained smile. When there is a death, people are quick to offer their condolences. I had heard twenty different variations of “I’m sorry,” and it wasn’t even noon yet. As much as I wanted to thank them, I didn’t have the willpower to fake it anymore.
The lady’s lips curled into a sympathetic grin before she and her husband walked off.
My father’s funeral was sweet and nicely done, at least from the parts I paid attention to. I really tried to stay present, but my mind had other plans. It was so bad that Alex kept his hand in mine to squeeze it whenever I would zone out.
Mom was a mess. She had been holding it together in front of me, but when the ceremony began, she lost it. Carson stepped up and consoled her when I was too bad off myself to do it. He was the most stable of the three of us, though his silence proved he was suffering as well.
Now we were at the reception, where we were supposed to mingle and stuff our faces with food like we didn’t just bury the man who raised me.
I was sitting at a table when my mom, with her sleek black dress, puffed-up hair, and mascara running from crying, approached me. In her hand, she held a plate of mashed potatoes and green beans, which she then put beside me.
Mom licked her lips as she searched for words. “You should eat.”
“Not hungry.” I didn’t bother looking at it, but instead focused on her. “How are you?”
“Getting through it, but I’m more worried about you.”
Taking a napkin off the table, I wiped the running mascara from her cheeks. “I’ll be okay.”
I saw my mom staring, and I followed her gaze to Alex, at the buffet, filling his plate with more food than he could eat. During the worst day of my life, the sight of him was the first thing to make me forget what I was going through.
“Yes, I think he’ll make sure of it.” A glint of admiration shone in her eyes. “He is the kindest boy I’ve ever met.”
Don’t I know it.
Sensing her gaze, I faced her. “What?”
“Your friendship is very special. Even as small boys, you were inseparable. I’m glad you’ve found your way back to each other.” Mom paused. “As… friends.”
Mom wiggled her eyebrows like she knew something more.
Slowly, I said, “Boyfriends.”
A grin spread across her lips, her eyes the most joyful I’d seen in months. “Even better.”
Carson and Alex appeared before us with food, chatting away like friends. They laughed together at the end of their statement.
Mom hummed. “It seems the two of you are getting along.”
Carson wrapped an arm around Alex’s shoulders. “I see why River’s been obsessed with him since they were kids.”
“I was just telling River how much of a sweetheart Alex is.” Mom took a sip of her drink. “River’s father always talked about how he loved what a good influence you were, Alex. It would make him happy to know you two still have such a bond.”
I clasped his soft hand and gave it a tight squeeze, admiring how fine he looked in a fitted dress shirt and slacks. He returned the squeeze and stroked the back of my hand, watching me with his soft eyes that I could stare at for hours.
With him, maybe things could be okay.