30. Terror #2
The blade kissed the back of his cuirass and cracked through the bloody spar impaling him, breaking through the weakened base.
Alluin didn’t even moan, his body slumping away from the construct as my squad reached me.
Someone shoved my sword into my hand as I abandoned the axe.
Another gave me a shield, one of the steel ones that you could use to bash a man’s skull in.
Dead bodies swarmed us, clawing and swinging makeshift clubs.
Ahead of us, the wounded construct staggered in an arc, swinging back towards us.
“Get him out of here!” I roared, beating back the dead with sword and shield and body, refusing to retreat until Alluin was dragged to safety. “Get him out! Now!”
My soldiers moved like they were part of my body.
Half the squad slid back, using a maneuver we’d learned fighting along the First Army, one intended for extracting a severely injured rescue while fighting off packs of monsters.
I put them out of my mind as soon as the knowledge registered, barking out orders to the soldiers that remained, holding the line Alluin had sacrificed so much to maintain.
I didn’t stay on the front lines until my turn to rotate off. I couldn’t, the rage and fear too powerful to deny for long. I handed off temporary command to a human woman who seemed especially adept and strode back to the sun-shades that marked the locations of the healers.
Alluin wasn’t hard to find. He was surrounded by all the people who were managing the battlefield, and his ruined chest armor lay in a heap not that far away alongside the blood-soaked spar of wood that had been driven through him.
People parted for me like minnows in front of a pike, stepping to the side without hesitation.
A healer still attended Alluin, one hand on the back of his neck and the other under his shirt, over his stomach.
Despite the blood soaking his ruined shirt and the sallowness of his skin, Alluin looked otherwise alright.
Unsurprisingly, the healers had thrown everything necessary into keeping our most critical asset alive.
Alluin looked up sharply at my approach, his expression tense.
I didn’t waste any time. “What the fuck did you think you were doing, General Xilsatra?” I asked, the words coming out harsh.
His ears dropped into a submissive pose. “Zhi—”
“Don’t you fucking dare,” I said, anger throbbing in my temples. “This isn’t about us. This is about you, putting yourself in lethal fucking danger. This is a war, if you hadn’t noticed, and you are our general—”
“And you’re a commander,” he snapped back, face going tense. “I need you—”
“With all due respect, shut the fuck up, sir,” I said in a snarl.
“You don’t need me, General. In case you’ve forgotten, there are quite a few commanders in the field right now, and my seconds are well-trained and fully capable of taking up my posting in the field.
If I fall, the Third Battalion is fucking fine. But if you fall—”
Alluin pinned his ears and pushed himself up to his feet, wavering slightly as he briefly broke contact with the healer’s touch. “You don’t have the right to—”
“I’m not finished!” I roared. “You are this army, you fucking martyr! You. There is no one here who cannot be replaced, except for you. If you die, thousands fall with you!” I grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him back down onto the light cot, forcing him to sit.
“So sit the fuck down, sir. Stay the fuck in the rear and do your gods-damned job until this war is over, because if you do not, I swear by every celestial light and every god that roams this world, I will do everything in my power to fucking leash you to guards so that you must. Do you understand me?”
He stared up at me, jaw clenched and expression drawn, and didn’t say anything.
I tightened my fist in his shirt and leaned closer. “General Xilsatra. Do. You. Understand. Me?”
His throat worked and his eyes gleamed. “Yes,” he gritted out.
“And are you going to do what’s necessary for this army, and not for yourself, until this war is finished?” I asked, my voice hard.
Alluin closed his eyes, brows tensing with pain. “Yes,” he said, barely a whisper, the fight going out of him.
I let go of his shirt and took a moment to simply breathe, then got down on one knee in front of him. “It’s not about us, Lu,” I said softly, searching his face as he looked back at me, his beautiful hazel eyes wet with unshed tears. “It can’t be about us. This isn’t the time.”
“I know.” Alluin let out a shaky breath, his ears low and expression full of silent agony.
“I’m so sorry. I knew better, and I just…
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t stand by and watch you die.
I’m your shield-love, Zhi,” he said, lashes fluttering as he blinked back tears. “I just… I couldn’t.”
The corners of my mouth trembled, emotion threatening to overwhelm me.
I shoved it deep, deep down. This wasn’t the time.
“You’re my heart, too, Alluin. I understand.
Thank you for saving my life,” I said, giving him a gift of debt in return for his apology, uncaring of the people standing around us.
Let them hear. I would never be ashamed of loving Alluin.
I showed him a wry smile with too much sorrow in it to be playful. “Don’t do it again.”
“Zhi,” he said softly, looking at me with the knowledge that it might be the last time haunting his gaze.
I wanted to hold him, wanted to kiss him, and could do neither. Shouts from closer than I preferred made me turn my ear back towards battle, trying to gauge how far back we’d been pushed.
Alluin’s spine straightened. He reached up in an aborted gesture, as if he might touch me, then dropped his hand and turned his attention back to war.
Alluin let out a slow breath, then inhaled again and looked at me, every trace of sorrow wiped off his face.
“Commander Ulahana, take three squads on rotation and reinforce the east-central sector. Rotate back with the injured for a healer check before rejoining your baseline position,” he said in the level voice he always used for Army business.
“Yessir,” I said. I rose to my feet and gave him the proper bow, then turned and strode out of the healer’s ward, my heart aching.
But it didn’t matter. This wasn’t the time. The only way we could have another chance would be to survive this, and the only way to survive was to fight.