32. Tell Me Something #2
Oh, fuck. But of course it would feel like that for him, wouldn’t it?
Alluin had already seen exactly what happened to me when I was trapped, even—especially—when I was the one who’d trapped myself.
Why wouldn’t he think that asking me to belong to him would trap me even more thoroughly than asking me to live with him had seemed to do?
Because I was devoted to Alluin. Everyone knew it. He surely believed that I would have agreed solely because he’d asked, and that he would have had to watch his love slowly smother me to death.
“I’ve wanted to be yours for ages,” I said, the words coming out thready.
Alluin exhaled sharply, almost a sob, and I clung more tightly to him.
“You could have had me during the war. When you came home. When my parents showed up to meet you and I called you my housemate like an idiot. Fuck, you could have had me while we were lying there in the dark, waiting for war to meet us again.” A wet laugh escaped me, sorrow and hope tangled together.
“I thought you only… I mean, you like to flirt, and you have such dry humor. I thought you simply liked playing with me.”
“I do like playing with you,” Alluin said against my throat, the words muffled. “You’re very enjoyable to tease.”
“But all you ever did was tease.” I sniffled and turned my face to wipe my nose on my sleeve. “I, um. I thought me being on my knees with a hard prick and pleading eyes was a pretty obvious indication that you were invited to continue.”
He pushed himself up against the grip of my arms. I let him go, reluctantly, but Alluin only moved up high enough to look down into my face, resting his weight on his elbows.
“I wanted your active choice. For it to be more than something that happened because I wanted it to happen. I can’t truly do one night, either,” he said, his mouth twitching down into a sorrowful expression.
“I was ready to torture myself with it because I came so close to losing you, and if I ever do, I want to close my eyes knowing how you taste and what it feels like to lose myself in you. But I’m… ”
Alluin hissed out a breath through his teeth.
Even in the darkness of the room I could see his cheeks flushing, but his dropped ears and hunched shoulders would have given away his embarrassment, regardless.
“I don’t share well, Zhi, and you know how relentless I can be.
I’ll surely never want to give you up. I’ll want you to be mine alone. I’ll want my fucking name on you.”
“And I’m a wild bird,” I said, the corner of my mouth slanting up.
“I don’t even sleep next to people who aren’t you,” Alluin said, his brows slanting in want.
“I fuck them, because you told me to and because it makes it easier for a time to bear not having you, but you’re the one I think and dream of.
You have been since the first night I held you in my arms. I love you more than my own life, and I don’t…
” His throat worked. “I don’t love gently,” Alluin whispered.
“If I have you once, I doubt I’ll ever be able to face having someone else again, and it will surely cut like broken glass every time you do. ”
His words sank into me like healing salve, easing the stress and unhappiness that still trembled inside me. Alluin said he loved me with such ease, as if it had always been on his tongue, withheld but ever-present. Like he would say it forever, if only I would let him.
“Keep me, then. Make me only yours,” I said, going almost breathless with a sense of rising excitement.
I ran my hands along his powerful sides, luxuriating in the feel of having him there with me.
We’d almost lost this. We’d almost lost each other, but here we were, everything raw and stripped away, and there was nowhere else either of us wanted to be.
“There isn’t any reason for me to be with anyone else if I’m with you.
It’ll be easy, Lu. Let me suck your cock and fuck me twice a week, or, I don’t know, use your General Xilsatra voice on me and just tell me to stay. I will.”
He shuddered, his breathing going heavy. “I’ll surely want to fuck you twice a day,” Alluin said with an edge of despair. “I’m not easy to love. I’m so gods-damn greedy—”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” I said, wanting to laugh and cry at the same time.
“Fuck me twice a day if you want. I already have your soul in me. Put your cock in me, too. Come in me so many times that I’m never without you.
” I reached up and slid my hand onto his neck, sweeping my fingers across his short-cropped hair.
“You can be as greedy and possessive of me as you like. You’re allowed to be territorial. I want you to be.”
Alluin trembled over me, his yearning making him pant and leaning his mouth towards mine. “You have to be certain,” he said. “Don’t tell me that and not be certain.”
“I’m certain. I’m so certain,” I said earnestly.
“There’s no ‘one night’ for me when it comes to you, Alluin.
I’m yours. Your Zhi.” I took one of his hands and set it over my heart, holding his palm flush to my racing pulse.
“Everything I am is yours. This is your body, your soul, and your beating heart. It’s your cock, if you want it.
Your mouth. It can be your hole, even, if you’d like to be that possessive about things.
” I exhaled a laugh, all the stress and fear falling away.
“I trust you with everything I am. You can have anything you want from me, and you can have it for as long as you like. I’m yours. ”
“Zhi…” He didn’t move, frozen and wanting, my wonderful Lu, who always believed he had to hold back.
“You should kiss me, now,” I told him, smiling helplessly at him. “And then once you’ve kissed me enough to forget to be worried, you should fuck me, and then maybe you should write your name on me, just to really make sure of things.”
“Zhi,” he said again, ears dropping and eyes pleading.
That was alright. Now I knew how Alluin wanted me, and there was never a world in which Alluin wanted me and I refused him. If he needed my active choice to believe that, I was only too happy to give it to him.
I pushed myself up onto one elbow and ran my nose along his, my lashes drifting shut as a sense of utter rightness settled over me.
“No more waiting. No more restraint. I want all of you, in all your overwhelming glory,” I murmured, leaning my mouth towards his.
My lips brushed against his with every word.
“I choose you, Alluin. Let me have you.”