Chapter 16 Roger
Chapter sixteen
Roger
Harper’s statement rings like music to my ears, but I’m hesitant to take them at face value.
I want to ensure that neither one of us is allowing the tense situation to fuel our actions, and being forced to share a living space doesn’t give a person a whole lot of breathing room to make a rational decision.
I take a step away from the soft touch of her palm against my cheek, watching her face fall as fast as her hands drop down to her side.
Not wanting to give her the wrong impression of disinterest—because I’m far from disinterested—I entwine my fingers with hers and lead her over to the sofa. “I think we should talk.”
She gives me a hesitant smile. “That’s not exactly the words a woman wants to hear, Roger. When a woman says she’s always wanted you, that’s your cue to sweep her off her feet and dazzle her with your lips.”
That’s exactly what I want to do, but relationships aren’t a “whim” for me.
It’s one of the reasons I haven’t been in one for almost a decade, that, and I’ve been harboring an attraction toward Harper since I saw her at her college graduation seven years ago.
I allowed myself one kiss at our mock wedding, but even then, I felt like I was overstepping my bounds.
“I would love nothing more than to kiss you right now, and it’s nice to know that it would be welcome. But first, I need to know what you meant when you said you’ve ‘always’ wanted me. How long is ‘always?’”
Harper sucks her lower lip through her teeth, mulling over how much to tell me.
Instead of staying beside her, I move to the coffee table so that we can be face-to-face.
“Why are you making me say it?” she asks, staring at the floor instead of at me.
“You’ve known that I’ve been in love with you for years.
My mom told you as much at my graduation. ”
Years? “I’m sorry, Harper, but Eloise never said anything of the kind.
Your declaration is news to me.” Harper turns her head, and her cheeks turn red in embarrassment, which is the last thing I want for her.
I lift her chin and wait for her to look up at me through her long lashes.
“Just because this is the first I’ve heard of your feelings does not mean that is unwelcome news, Angel. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“My mom whispered something to you at my graduation shortly after I walked away from you and Bethany. Based on the blush on your cheeks and your downturned mouth, I assumed that she told you that I joined the FBI because of the feelings I had for you. And because I wanted you to notice me in a different way,” she says just above a whisper.
“Although I never told my mom how I felt about you, I suspect she’s always known. ”
I shake my head, remembering every word from that day and the moment Harper walked away.
“I had no idea. Eloise merely confirmed that you had worked hard so that you could join the team. I was truly disappointed that you gave up your dream of dancing to pursue the endeavor. It broke my heart, and that was why I was frowning. Your mom never mentioned anything about you having feelings for me. But if you wanted me to notice you, you succeeded. That was the day I saw you as an independent woman for the first time and not my best friend’s daughter. ”
Harper’s eyes widen, and her mouth forms a small “O.” Her eyelids flutter closed. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Your parents never would have approved of a relationship between the two of us. I’m practically family, and they would have viewed it as a betrayal.
They would have seen it as me taking advantage of a young woman who still had her whole life ahead of her.
They still would, which is why I’ve been hesitant to say anything to you at all.
However, I promised I wouldn’t lie to you, and I no longer want to hide from you.
You’re beautiful inside and out, Harper.
Any man would be blessed to have you at his side. ”
Harper stands up and moves my arms so that she can sit on my lap. My hands instinctually band around her waist to keep her balanced on my leg and to prevent her from leaving. She wraps her arms around my neck and smiles shyly. “Is that where you want me? By your side?”
“If that’s where you want to be. I’m not as young as Zurkowski or…”
Harper puts a finger to my lips to shush me.
“Zurkowski was an attempt to move beyond my feelings for you, Roger. He was a distraction and nothing more. He’s a nice guy, but he isn’t you.
I know that you struggle with the age gap, but the years between us don’t matter to me.
They never have. I’m attracted to a man who always puts others before himself and loves God with all his heart.
I’m drawn to the kind and caring man who took time out of his schedule to sit in the front row and cheer me on.
I’m head over heels for a man who wouldn’t think twice about laying down his life for his friends, which is the greatest love of all. ”
I smile. “You’re referring to John 15:13 from the King James Bible, ‘Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.’ It’s one of my favorite verses.”
She dips her chin. “Mine too. It’s on a plaque in my father’s office and one of the first verses I ever memorized.” Her eyes sparkle, but there’s still an emptiness that hints that a piece of her heart is missing and a sadness that lurks in the depths.
I tighten my hold and ask, “Angel, you sacrificed so much to get where you are at. I know you changed the trajectory of your life for reasons that didn’t work out the way you wanted them to. Do you have any regrets? Do you miss dancing?”
Harper doesn’t answer right away, and a tear leaks from the corner of her eye.
She wipes it away and steels herself. “Regrets? No. Life’s too short for those.
Dwelling on shoulda, coulda, wouldas doesn’t do me or anyone else any good.
If I’m meant to dance professionally, God will work it out in His time.
I’m fortunate to have a private studio in my basement, so I still dance in my spare time—what little there is of it.
My passion for ballet hasn’t dwindled, but I don’t have to perform on a stage to enjoy it. I’m content with that.”
She’s telling the truth, but not all of it. I stroke her arm gently, almost absent-mindedly. “If presented with two choices—continuing to work for the FBI or dancing—which would you choose?”
Harper rests her head on my shoulder and sighs. “I don’t know. I love the way my life turned out. I love my job, but having my own studio where I can teach kids to dance is my dream. If there were a way to do both, then I’d be a very happy camper.”
When she mentions teaching, her eyes light up, and the emptiness is momentarily gone. I have my answer, even if she’s unable to admit it. No matter what happens between us moving forward, I vow to at least make one of her dreams come true.
“Where do we go from here?” Harper asks hesitantly. “We’re married, so do we…um…you know?”
“Consummate?” I ask playfully. Her discomfort is absolutely adorable and showcases the innocent side of her.
She glances away, and her cheeks flush a gorgeous shade of pink. She nods, unable to look at me.
“Harper, look at me.” She does, albeit very slowly.
“Intimacy is meant to be shared between a man and woman in a loving relationship that is bound by marriage in front of God. Our vows were between two friends with an agenda, not rooted in romantic love. I am deeply attracted to you, but we haven’t developed that kind of relationship yet. ”
“But I…” she starts to say when I interrupt.
“You have painted a picture in your head of an ideal man.” I don’t want her to say that she loves me when I can’t say it back.
At least not yet. It’s why I need to give her the hard and fast truth.
“I’m glad it’s my face you see in that picture, but Harper, we’ve spent more time together in the last three days than we have in the last three years.
We need time to get to know one another. ”
I half expect her to be upset, which is why I’m surprised that she appears relieved.
Her eyes close when she whispers, “I’ve never been with a man in that way, Roger.
” My heart beats triple time at her admission and bursts with joy that she has saved herself for marriage, but then she adds, “I would feel inadequate compared to your experience.”
Well, that turned south quickly, and I feel like I got doused with a bucket of cold water.
I need to set her straight on a few things.
“Harper, I wasn’t always a Christian. I grew up in an atheist household and didn’t believe that any god existed, let alone the Almighty.
It wasn’t until I was 20 that I got to know Jesus. ”
She grins. “My dad said you started questioning His existence and had all but given up on getting an answer. Then you ended up covered in a landslide and almost died.”
“That’s true. I prayed to God for deliverance, yelled at Him, and even bargained with Him while covered under dirt and debris.
Then help arrived, and the first thing I did was fall to my knees to thank Him for saving me.
There’s more to the story, but Jesus rescued me that day, and I’ve lived a life for Him ever since.
But here’s the thing, Angel, I wasn’t living a life for God before that.
I’m not inexperienced, as you have pointed out, but I also haven’t laid with a woman in 26 years.
When I dedicated my life and was born again, my whole life changed.
I vowed I would wait until marriage from that point on.
Waiting is not an issue for me, and I prefer it that way. ”
Harper hugs me and kisses my cheek. “Is it wrong that I find you even more attractive now than I did before?”
“Maybe a little,” I tease. “So, how about it, Angel? Wanna date me?”
She puts a finger to her lips and tilts her head slightly. “Hmmm. Let me think about it. Would I want to date the one man I’ve dreamt about for more than ten years?” She sticks out her arms in front of me. “Twist my arm,” she jokes.
“I’ll take that as a ‘Yes.’”
Her soft lips meet mine, far too brief for my liking, when she says in a sultry voice, “That’s an absolute ‘Yes’ from me.”
My hand wraps around the back of her neck to hold her in place while my mouth finds hers. We stay like that for nearly ten minutes, enjoying the moment of reprieve from the chaos of the world around us.
It doesn’t last long. There’s an abrupt knock on the door, and I’m forced to pull away from Harper’s soft and supple lips. Harper sighs and stands up, readjusting the wayward mass of hair she has on top of her head. “Duty calls.”
Annoyed by the intrusion, I mutter, “Doesn’t it always?”