Chapter 12 #2
It isn’t that I don’t trust Heather’s loyalty. Ever since we met, she’s been a good friend. But she’s a very emotional person, and there’s always the risk of something slipping out if she gets upset.
A part of me wants to confess that I’m also in love with Ares.
But I hold back. Chance is right that we need to tell our parents about our relationship.
But when they learn about it, it has to be from the four of us.
If Mom or Scott heard it from someone else first, the damage to our family would be irreparable.
“I agree with you.” Heather says, pulling the throw blanket folded at the foot of the bed over me. “Secrets have a way of coming out the wrong way. But just know that you can always trust me with yours.”
“Thank you, Heather.” I sigh, swallowing the guilt that bubbles to the surface.
She nods, her gaze still focused on me. “What are you going to do about the races?”
“I don’t think we have a choice right now.” I admit. “If we refuse to race, Mason was clear about the consequences.” I don’t tell her that he’s applying sky-high interest to our debt to keep us on his roster pretty much indefinitely.
“I know those races are breaking the law in every way possible,” Heather says.
“But let me tell you something. You are a fucking badass, Zara. Watching you race is inspirational. The way you move like you’re one with your bike, the way you anticipate your opponents’ actions are something I only ever saw in a few racers.
Champions like your father. Like my Atlas would have been if he had started his career in the MotoGP.
Have you ever thought about racing professionally? ”
Her words make me happy and sad at the same time. “It’s my dream. I have always wanted to race since I can remember. But my mom is against it and my dad… he doesn’t take me seriously. No one ever has.”
“That’s so unfair.” The heat in her tone surprises me. “I hate that in today’s world there are still careers that seem to be reserved for men. Women can do everything men can. Or have they not noticed that we’re astronauts, doctors and military officers? Racing shouldn’t be any different.”
I admire her passion, and I agree with her.
“You’re right. But in certain fields, and professional sports are one of them, we still aren’t taken seriously.
Motorcycle racing is one of them, and so is Formula One.
At least Formula One is starting to open to women with academy programs and other opportunities, but we still have a long way to go to be even close to equality.
Look at hockey. There are women’s teams, but they don’t get a tenth of the attention men’s teams get.
And when it comes to pay, the difference is even more staggering.
I get that if women wanted to compete with men in physical sports like hockey or football, we would be at a disadvantage for biological reasons.
But motorcycle racing is different. I wish doors opened more easily for women in that world. ”
“Maybe you could be the one to make that change happen.” There’s passion in Heather’s eyes when she says that. “You’re really great on a motorcycle, Zara. If that’s what you want to do, you shouldn’t give up.”
Maybe Heather is right. “It’s what I want. But I don’t know if it’s going to be possible.”
One of the things I love about Heather, aside from her kindness, is her fierce attitude. “You’ll never know if you don’t try. You were talking about hockey before, right? If you go for it, I’ll be your number one fan. And I’m sure Chance and Lev will support you too.”
I know the guys will. Our parents and the rest of the world, however, will be much harder to convince.
“Thank you, Heather. That means a lot. But we’ve been talking about me nonstop since Mom left. What happened between you and Dave last night? Did you go out with him?”
Redness rises to her face, and she sneaks under the blanket, scooting next to me. “I did.”
Her voice is barely above a whisper.
If Dave were anyone else, I wouldn’t worry. But he’s Cal’s brother, and he was instrumental in getting Chance and Lev involved in the races.
“What happened?” I can’t hide the worry in my tone. “Please tell me that he didn’t try to force you…” I can’t even finish the sentence.
Maybe comparing Dave to his older brother is unfair, but I can’t help the thought since the Fox brothers seem close.
Heather shakes her head, her eyes wide with surprise at my implication. “Oh, no. Nothing like that. He actually was very nice to me.”
“Did you sleep with him?” The question tumbles out of my mouth even though I know it’s none of my business.
“Define sleep with him.”
I roll my eyes at her answer. “Come on, Heather. Did you fuck him?”
She doesn’t seem put out by the crudeness of my words. “No. We didn’t fuck. We did… other stuff. I told him I wasn’t ready, and he respected my wishes.”
“Good.” I realize how relieved I am that Dave wasn’t as pushy as Cal was with me when I told him I wasn’t ready to go all the way with him. “Now define other stuff.”
“Hand stuff.” She offers, her face going redder with every word. “If you want to know how it was, I’m still trying to figure it out.”
Her explanation is more perplexing than anything. “What do you mean?”
Heather exhales, covering her face with her hands before she answers. “I was too nervous, too tense to let go. So I faked my orgasm.”
I don’t know what to say to that.
“It wasn’t Dave’s fault.” Heather rushes to explain.
“He did everything right. It was me. Maybe I was nervous because it was the first time I was with someone I hadn’t known forever.
But it wasn’t just that. There was still that horrible feeling that I was doing something wrong. That I was cheating on Atlas.”
My heart breaks for my friend. I can’t even imagine what she must have gone through losing her first love on that racetrack.
All I can do is to be honest with her. “Heather, you know I’m not a huge fan of the Fox family, for obvious reasons.
But you didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t get the chance to get to know Atlas.
But if he was anything like his brothers and Lev, do you really think he would want you to be unhappy forever?
I know that if something ever happened to me, I’d want Chance and Lev to move on, to find happiness with someone else.
Maybe things felt wrong because your connection with Dave isn’t as deep as what you had with Atlas.
Or maybe you aren’t sexually compatible with him.
I don’t have a definitive answer. What I know, though, is that you have no reason to feel guilty.
Whether you decide to hook up with Dave again, or with someone else, you have the right to move on. ”
Her eyes fill with tears. “You’re right.
I know that, at least in theory. But I couldn’t help but imagine Atlas in Dave’s place.
And when his lips and his touch felt different, my body went into lockdown mode.
I wanted him to stop, but I didn’t want him to think that he was doing something wrong or that I was a weirdo.
So I faked it, and then we cuddled, and even sleeping in his bed felt like a betrayal to my boyfriend. ”
I pull Heather into my arms. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you?”
She hides her face in the crook of my neck. “You’re helping by listening and being a good friend. Will you hold me, please? Last night I didn’t sleep a wink, and now I’m exhausted.”
“That I can do. And whenever you want to talk, I’ll be here.”
“Thank you, Zara. I love you. I’m so glad you’re back in our lives. You’re my best friend.”
We’re warm and comfortable under the blanket, and my eyes begin feeling heavy with sleep.
I’m glad Heather opened up to me. She told me before that she’s been in therapy since Atlas’s death.
I’m no expert, but maybe she should speak to her therapist about moving on and how to deal with the guilt.
I’m going to try to find a way to suggest it soon.
I know she’ll never forget Atlas, but I want her to be happy one day.