22. Ivy
Ivy
My hands shook as the phone pinged in my hands, letting me know I had an email. I was sitting in the airport, waiting for Rosalyn. Frankie was driving back and wouldn’t be in town until tomorrow. The doctor at the hospital, Nia, had rushed the results of the test after Cam’s death. Tomorrow was his funeral, and that I had gotten them when I had felt like the universe was laughing at me. I shoved a chocolate chip cookie into my mouth to appease Trey and opened the email.
Cam. My heart broke yet again. How much abuse could it take? It was funny how when I’d found out I was pregnant, I only worried that it could be Luthor’s or Wells’. My emotions were at war, knowing that I was grateful it wasn’t one of the men from the Order.
And I was happy that it was Cam’s. After all, now all of us would have a tiny piece of him—a child that resulted from the love we’d shared, no matter how toxic.
But I was sad. Cam would never see his baby’s face, hold it, or teach it to throw a football. He couldn’t help me name the baby because he wasn’t here anymore. A silent tear rolled down my cheek. “The baby belongs to Cam,” I said out loud to no one in particular.
I could almost envision the baby’s appearance, with blond hair and bright blue eyes that looked like ocean waves. I could see Cam picking up the child and tossing them in the air. The child would squeal in delight as I looked on in horror, worried he would drop my baby. I would scold him gently, and he would tease me. “Don’t worry so much, little ghost. I won’t let anything happen to them.”
That was another part of losing someone I had never considered—the what-ifs that would never be, that didn’t have a chance to become reality.
I’d lost people before. My father, in more ways than one. My mother, who I’d never known. A kitten who had laid on the foot of my bed nightly when I was young. I had lived through hell and made it out on the other side in one piece. Nothing had ever prepared me for what it felt like to lose Cam.
I should have hated him for everything he had put me through, but I couldn’t. And I wasn’t as foolish as some people. Sometimes, when people die, the person who is gone magically turns into a folktale. They all of a sudden became the best person that everyone had met. All of their negative traits fell away because you “didn’t speak ill of the dead.”
That wasn’t the case. Cam had plenty of terrible qualities, and we had plenty of bad memories. None of that really mattered anymore.
Niko looked at me with sad, haunted eyes. “The baby is Cam’s,” he repeated slowly, almost as if he were tasting the words on his tongue. “Are you still... going to keep it?”
I nodded at him and allowed another tear to escape. The baby growing inside of me would force me to be strong. It would force me to wake up every morning, get dressed, and keep going. I was carrying the last physical piece of Cam inside of me. I couldn’t let that go.
Every night, he held me, and we cried together. Every night, he wrapped his arms around me like I was something precious that might float away at any moment. We had so much in common, and I couldn’t bear to see the look on his face. His pain.
People that had used us and made us feel dirty, like we weren’t worthy. Fathers who were neglectful and cruel. The love of a man who was now only a ghost. We had bonded through trauma and would never be able to let him go.
Rosalyn came into sight as I turned away from him, unsure what else to say. It felt like it had been an eternity since I had seen her. My body was in motion before I realized it, barreling toward her. Even though we hadn’t known each other for long, she was the lifeline I needed. Her quick jokes and banter made me smile. She knew me better than most of the world.
I threw my arms around her and gave her a hug, hoping it said everything that was caught in my throat. It meant everything to me she had come home after a simple text. How many other people would drop everything just for you because your world had crumbled around you?
Her usual energy was absent, replaced by melancholy. “I guess we aren’t drinking because of Baby Bean,” she half-heartedly joked.
“I’m sure that we can find some liquor,” Niko said with a sad smile.
Letters seemed to be the only way that I knew how to communicate. They were my most honest words, jumbled onto the paper when I knew my mouth wouldn’t work correctly. Besides, how did you talk to someone who wasn’t there? After everyone went to sleep that night, snug in their blankets, I picked up the pen and paper Hunter had bought me. I sat on the bar stool in the kitchen and started writing.
Dear Cam,
Tomorrow is your funeral, and today, I found out the paternity results for the baby. Surprise! You’re going to be a father.
I miss you more than I ever imagined. Sometimes, I feel like I am going crazy, and I can hear you when everything is quiet. When I wash my hair or cry late at night, I can almost feel your palm cupping my cheek or your fingers in my hair soothing me.
When does it get better? I’m drowning without you, which is ridiculous. We were terrible together, but there were these moments of greatness. When you found me before the wedding, branding me as yours despite what was happening. When we spent Thanksgiving together. When you helped clean me up after I killed Wells. Those are moments I cherish.
Even though Niko has tried to reassure me, I worry about how you died. Sometimes, if I fall asleep, I can hear you crying. I’m still afraid you felt like you were alone. I can’t stand the idea of you being scared, but I guess I’ll never know.
You would have been a great father, I think. I saw how you raised Maya, trying to shield her from the world after all the bad she has been through. Your protectiveness of her was admirable. I think it’s what makes it easy to forgive you for the hell you put me through. I can only imagine how fiercely you would have loved the baby.
I’ll never be able to forget you, not even when I am old and gray. I hope you’re happy wherever you are.
Forever yours,
Ivy
Before I could second-guess myself, I folded the paper and placed it in an envelope, sealing it away from anyone else’s eyes.
That afternoon, I stood in front of an empty wooden box next to an empty hole in the ground. If someone glanced at what was happening, everything would seem perfectly normal. Fine. It just looked like your average funeral. I knew better, though.
Inside my soul, everything screamed it wasn’t normal to lower an empty casket into the ground for someone who hadn’t celebrated their twenty-third birthday. It couldn’t be normal for a man who was expecting a baby to die, much less in an explosion. His body would never be recovered. From the rumors the guys had heard, there were still too many police milling around the property, hoping to find evidence of what happened.
My mind wandered as a priest who had never met Cam said words designed to make us all feel better—things about how he was now in God’s arms. I wasn’t sure any of that was true, even as a cold rain began to fall, matching my mood.
Still, I hoped for a miracle. If we didn’t have his body, it was possible he’d appear at the apartment one day and apologize for being so late. I could almost imagine him walking up to the grave. If that happened, I would never wish for anything else ever again. I’d be happy with whatever lot fate gave me in life.
After the priest stopped speaking, Ros placed her hand on my back, ushering me to where the gaping hole lay in the earth. If not for the baby, I’d be tempted to crawl inside and never return. Instead, I dropped the white rose I was clutching into a hole with the letter I’d written the night before. Someone grabbed my hand, and I looked beside me. Frankie. She gave me a sad smile before walking over to Maya. I watched as she sat beside the girl and whispered something that no one else could hear.
“He really loved you, too. I could tell every time he looked at you.” Ros’ words dragged me back to staring at the hole. They were meant to comfort me, but it was enough to set off a cascade of tears. I wondered how long I would feel like that. When would I ever feel complete again?