49. Epilogue 1
Epilogue 1
Ivy
Phoenix ran in the grass, his tiny body toddling along. Dandelions brushed against his chubby legs, and I smiled. Belle sauntered beside him, watching his every move. I sighed, thinking of how Cam had found her, dirty and hungry. She loved Phoenix, but she was another reminder of what had been.
It hurt a little less when I looked at Phoenix, remembering who his father was, remembering the love and hate that Camden and I shared. Time didn’t erase the hurt. It didn’t cause the pain or tears to evaporate. Slowly, as the days passed, it did ease some though. It muffled and blurred the ache into something tolerable. Phoenix helped that.
During the day, I didn’t have time to examine my feelings or what was missing. I spent my time making sure he stayed safe, removing him from climbing every piece of furniture, feeding him, and cleaning mud from his cheeks. I also tried to ensure he didn’t attempt to ride Belle around the house. Sometimes, I found the two of them splashing in mud puddles together.
It was perfect.
I spent my time pouring my love into him and the men who had taken up the mantle of father. A breeze blew, and some of Phoenix’s golden curls blew up. He looked up, an expression on his face that I recognized. He did it every so often, looking intently at something that I could never quite see or grasp.
My eyes stung as he whispered to himself. “Daddy.”
Sometimes it felt like that despite his age, he knew. I scooped him into my arms and gave him the biggest smile I could muster. “Who are you talking to, silly?” I asked as I pressed my lips to his cheek.
The scent of the ocean filled my senses and enveloped me in a hug. It was an impossibility. We hadn’t lived in Clearhaven in quite some time, not even with Caleb taking over the Order. The ghosts of the past felt too heavy there. My heart couldn’t heal, and every time I saw the sea, the only thing I could think of was Cam. About everything that we had lost. About how everything had changed. We’d needed a fresh start.
For a brief moment, the wind brushed against my ear, and I wanted to lean into it. It felt like a love song against my skin, of a time that now felt like it was a million miles away. It was bittersweet, the wave of grief and simultaneously love. How could you be both so happy for what you had and so sad for what you had lost?
A tear rolled down my cheek, and I cleared it away, not wanting Phoenix to see me. I never wanted him to think of me as sad, only strong. Resilient. I wanted to fill his memories with days at the park, finger painting, bubbles, and sidewalk chalk. I wanted him to see me as happy and strong, not the broken mess I felt inside some nights while I was being held.
Niko walked to my side and placed a hand on my wrist. “Everything okay?”
The question was so simple, but so complicated. I faked a smile as I answered. “Yeah. For a moment, I thought I heard something. Must have just been the wind.”
If I told him that sometimes I felt like Cam had never left, that he was present at random moments, they’d think I had lost it. Maybe I had.
Trey strode across the field of wildflowers with Caleb, a basket in his hands. “Sorry, we’re late. Your grandmother called and threatened me. She said if we don’t bring the baby to see her soon, she’ll break my knees.”
A vision of Frankie with a baseball bat entered my mind, and I choked out a laugh that masked the tears that had been forming in my eyes. She wouldn’t think twice about swinging on someone, not even one of the men I loved. One day, I would grow up, and I could only hope I turned out half as strong as she was. One day, I would be able to put the pain of loss to the side, just like she had.
Trey found a spot beneath an oak tree in the shade and laid down a blanket before settling in. Celeb scooped Phoenix into his arms, tickling his belly. The sound of laughter echoed in the air as a dragonfly flew by, landing on a daisy. My throat was thick as I held out my finger, hoping it would land on me.
When I was young, before the world had come crashing down on me, threatening to suffocate me at every move, one of the kitchen staff had told me a story. She claimed that dragonflies were sometimes the souls of loved ones who had departed and returned. That they were simply there visiting.
Maybe Cam was there, and maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he was already at peace, but selfishly, I hoped he could see me, that he was with his son, even if it was in spirit.
Niko pulled out his guitar, something he’d been doing more recently. He didn’t play after Cam’s death, not for a long time. Every time he did, his hands shook, and his fingers faltered. He was haunted, too. I sat beside him on the blanket and pulled Phoenix into my lap.
In the end, none of it mattered, even if the scars I wore on my soul would never heal. What did matter was that we were all safe. Happiness is what you make of it. I’d walked through the fire and came out on the other side. I still had people that loved me.
Because, in the end, life goes on, and survivors are left there, forced to pick up the pieces, forced to fake smiles until they can actually breathe again.
Maya, Katya, and Sergei were thriving in their new environment. Ros was still leading the Order in Caleb’s stead, and Angel and Rhyker stood beside her. Frankie still ran her shop, almost like nothing had ever happened.
Ultimately, I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted. Niko strummed on his guitar, a mournful song that reminded me of the time I found him in the graveyard, while Trey pulled out snacks for Phoenix: apple slices and cheese cubes. Caleb slid beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “I love you, Ivy.”
He pressed his kiss to my cheek.
Most people would have killed for what I had: three men who loved me and a happy and healthy child. My happily ever after was good enough—it had to be—even if I was still laying fresh flowers on an empty grave every week. At the end of the day, we were more than all of our broken pieces.
The ghosts that haunt us and our scars are who we are.