Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
CAITLIN
Drew
Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?
Me
If I did, it would be a little too late for that.
I’m already sitting on the exam table naked under an open-backed gown, my ass practically hanging out and my legs covered with a paper sheet.
Drew
Hot, Princess. So fucking hot.
Me
The absolute last thing this is, is hot. There’s nothing here you need to see.
Drew
I beg to differ. You said you’re naked under that gown and your ass is hanging out, which means there is definitely something I need to see.
Me
You are such a man, I swear.
Drew
You didn’t seem to have a problem with my manliness when I was using it last night to fuck you against your living room wall.
Me
Did you just use manliness as a euphemism for your dick?
Drew
I did…and I think maybe it was the grossest thing I’ve ever said. I have regrets.
But what I absolutely do not regret is anything we did in your living room last night. So, maybe we should do it all over again tonight as soon as you get home.
Me
Can there be dinner first? I was too nervous for this appointment to eat and now I have regrets too.
Drew
There can absolutely be dinner first. How do you feel about macaroni and cheese?
Me
Like it’s my favorite comfort food, especially when it comes from a blue box with the powdered cheese.
Drew
I’ll pretend you didn’t say that because nothing about a blue box and powdered cheese is food.
I’m talking about macaroni and cheese that involves a roux and actual cheese I shred myself and all kinds of other things that will be nothing short of spectacular.
Me
Okay, well, I have no idea what a roux is, but if it means I get to eat macaroni and cheese I’m all for it.
Drew
I’m also trying out sourdough brownies. Jack told me he’s been using his sourdough starter for desserts, and then Tyler mentioned sourdough brownies this morning and I couldn’t get them out of my head.
Me
I was so smart to get myself a boyfriend who cooks and bakes.
Drew
Stick with me, Catie girl. Keeping you fed is my greatest joy.
Also, it turns me the fuck on when you call me your boyfriend, so feel free to do it many, many more times.
Me
You like being claimed?
Drew
By you? Absolutely.
And I’m serious about being with you. Say the word and I’ll ditch practice and head straight there.
Me
You just want an excuse to get out of practice.
Drew
You aren’t wrong. But I also want an excuse to see your face. And hold your hand. And make sure you’re not alone.
Me
You saw my face this morning, and you can hold my hand anytime. Also, I’m not alone. Maya is here. She showed up at my house this morning and wouldn’t take no for an answer. It’s a whole thing.
Drew
She loves you. Your friends didn’t want you to be alone either.
Me
You don’t seem surprised she’s here.
Drew
Maddy may have texted me this morning telling me they were concocting a whole plan since she knew I had practice.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Maddy asked me not to. I think she didn’t want to give you time to tell them not to come, even if you got a little mad when Maya just showed up unannounced.
Me
I’m not mad. It’s good not to be alone. It just feels…weird, I think.
Drew
You’ve spent a lot of your life doing this by yourself, but you don’t have to. Not when you have so many people who want to help.
Me
Including you?
Drew
Especially me. But I’m glad Maya is there. I think maybe today is for sisters.
But tonight? Tonight is for us. And Catie, whatever happens today, it’s going to be okay. We’ll figure it all out.
Me
Together?
Drew
Always.
“Oh my god, you’re blushing and smiling and I’m pretty sure you have literal stars in your eyes. What did he say?”
I whip my head up at Maya’s voice and see her perched on the doctor’s stool, grinning at me.
Wearing tight black leggings and a black leather jacket with Doc Martin combat boots on her feet, she spins back and forth on the stool, looking like she just escaped her motorcycle club for the afternoon.
“It’s nothing. Since we’re just sitting here, tell me what’s going on with you. Been on any awful dates lately?”
Maya rolls her eyes at me. “They’re all awful but we’re not talking about that. Changing the subject may have worked a few months ago, but it won’t work anymore. Not when you’re in your sharing era.”
I huff out a laugh. “What’s my sharing era?”
She shrugs. “The era where you tell us shit about yourself instead of always defaulting to solving our problems. The era where we now know you’ve spent fourteen years of your life in excruciating pain you didn’t tell us about.
Now we know, so we have a lot of time to make up for.
That’s why I’m here, Cait. None of us would let you do this alone. Not this time or ever again.”
Maya’s words have an unexpected well of emotion tugging at my chest. Last week I mentioned to my friends that my post-surgery follow-up would be today, and I would be getting more details about what they found and where I go from here.
I said it in passing and didn’t even think it registered, but it must have because Maya strolled into my house at eight thirty this morning and told me she had the day off and was coming with me to my appointment.
Unused to being offered help, I told her at least six times I was fine, but she just poured herself a cup of coffee and ordered me to go upstairs to get dressed, and when it was time to leave, she insisted on driving me here.
The whole thing threw me, but like I said to Drew, I don’t hate it.
I’ve spent so many years sitting in sterile exam rooms alone with only my own thoughts for company, and I can’t deny it feels good to have her here with me.
I adjust the crinkly paper sheet draped awkwardly over my legs. “Drew said whatever happened today we would figure it out together. That’s what I was smiling at. It just…I don’t know. I’ve never felt this way before.”
Maya’s smile turns soft. “In love, you mean?”
I shrug, even as warmth gushes through me at the word love. “I mean, that, but also having someone like him know me. See me, I guess. I didn’t know I needed that. I know you guys do too,” I say quickly. “But…”
“But it’s different,” Maya says with a smile, standing from the stool and coming to sit next to me on the exam table, legs dangling next to mine. “It’s supposed to be different. We’re your sisters, but he’s your person.”
My person. I roll the phrase around in my head and decide it sounds right.
“I didn’t know I could feel this way,” I admit, and it feels good to share with my best friend.
And if I have a twinge of regret that I’ve waited so long, I shove it aside because I’m saying it now.
“That I could have this much in me for another person. But I think maybe I didn’t know because he’s the one I’m supposed to feel it for. Because I’ve been waiting for him.”
Maya squeals. Literally squeals, and I worry briefly for the health of my eardrums. “Shit, Cait, that is seriously the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
It makes me want to delete every single dating app because nothing I find on any of them will compare to the level of swoon that just came out of your mouth. ”
I snort, bumping my shoulder with hers because Maya talks about deleting the dating apps at least once a week, but she never does.
Despite the fact that for the last couple months she’s been dressing like an extra from The Craft, Maya has a massive romantic streak and is determined to find the person of her dreams. “Maybe it’s the law of large numbers.
Like, that thing where you have to kiss a lot of frogs or whatever. ”
“They’re all frogs,” she mutters. “And none of them know how to kiss for shit. Except…” She trails off, slamming her mouth shut.
“Except what?” I ask, immediately curious because Maya never sensors herself. Ever.
“It’s nothing,” she says, shaking her head. “Really. It was just one good kiss, a hundred years ago, never to be repeated because the kiss giver was absolutely not for me.”
“I don’t know,” I muse. “I think maybe you shouldn’t underestimate the importance of a really good kiss.”
Now it’s Maya’s turn to snort. “Trust me. It may have been a good kiss, but it was the wrong guy. But you have the right guy, so tell me more about that. Especially the sexy parts.”
Laughing, I get ready to do exactly that when the door to the exam room eases open. I stiffen, anxiety whipping through me, but it’s not the doctor. It’s a nurse who sets down a metal tray with some tools on it and nods to us before leaving and closing the door behind her.
“It’s okay to be nervous,” Maya says, taking my hand and leaning her head against mine.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, soaking in the comfort of having my friend next to me.
“I’m not. I mean, I didn’t think I was. I shouldn’t be.
I know what this is. At my first appointment with this doctor, she told me she was as sure as she could be that it’s endo and the surgery was just to confirm what she already knew.
Then in the recovery room she told me what she found, and that they needed to confirm with pathology but she was sure then too.
I’m not going to learn anything I don’t already know. None of this will be life changing.”
Maya squeezes my hand. “Maybe not, but it’s been a long road to get here, and even if all this does is confirm what you already knew to be true, it’s still a kind of validation you didn’t know you’d ever get.
Validation a lot of women in your position never get to have.
That’s not nothing, Cait. It’s a big fucking something. ”
I feel an odd sort of satisfaction at Maya’s words.
At the acknowledgement of everything I’ve been through and all the years I’ve spent asking questions I wondered if I would ever get the answers to.
“I’m so sorry.” I’ve said those words before, but it feels good to say them again.
“I know I’ve told you before, but I need to say it again.
I should have told you years ago. All of you.
I didn’t know how, and I felt like I should be able to handle it on my own the way I always did, but those are stupid excuses.
I’m glad you know now, and I’m glad I don’t have to be here alone.
Drew offered to come, and he would have dropped everything if I asked him to, but I’m happy it’s you. ”
Maya wraps an arm around my shoulders in a side hug.
“I’m glad it’s me too. And if it wasn’t me, it would be Maddy.
Or Soph or Sarah or Emmy. What happened before doesn’t matter.
Now is what matters. This. That we can be here for you today and for all the days that come after.
You never have to do anything alone, Cait.
Not if you don’t want to, and if you do want to, we’ll all convince you it’s a terrible idea.
Smart bitches stick together. Oh my god!
” she exclaims. “We should totally put that on a T-shirt!”
Laughing, I tug up the paper sheet that managed to slip down again. I really fucking hate these paper sheets.
“Fucking done,” Maya declares, whipping out her phone and unlocking it, like she’s about to design a mug sitting right here in this room. But before she can do anything, the door opens and this time it’s the doctor who walks in, smiling and radiating confidence as my anxiety spikes all over again.
“You’re not alone,” Maya says quietly, taking my hand again. “It’s going to be okay.”
And with one of my best friends next to me, knowing for one of the first times in my life the other four are just a phone call away and the man I love will be waiting for me at the end of the day, I let Maya’s words sink in, feeling like no matter what I’m about to learn, everything really will be okay.