Chapter Thirty-Six
Isabella
Carter’s hands move to his back, and he unlocks my fingers. Then he steps out of my arms and disappears into the bedroom, where I hear him muttering and shoving things away. Hastily, I snatch a towel from behind the bathroom door and secure it around my chest. Once I do, I nearly lose my footing and go sprawling, face first, onto the floor. At the last second, I catch myself and collide with Carter’s powerful chest. His hands immediately move to my waist to steady me.
I tilt my head back, and the rest of the words die on my lips. Carter has already come a long way, and I can already see how difficult this is for him. How much it’s hurting him to keep me away.
In his own way, he’s trying to protect me by keeping me as far away as possible from the debris and chaos. Considering everything I’ve faced over the past few months, especially as Carter and I have gotten closer, I understand his reasoning.
But I know there has to be another way.
These can’t be our only two options. I refuse to believe that.
Carter keeps his arms around my waist as his eyes move over me, drinking in every inch of me. “You are not being pushed away, dove. I am fucking doing everything within my power to protect you and make sure you don’t get kidnapped again.”
I nod. “I know that, but part of that means letting me in. It means telling me what’s on your mind so you don’t have to go through any of this alone.”
Carter exhales and presses his forehead to mine. “I’m not the hearts and feelings type, Isabella. You’ve always known this about me. Don’t ask me to be something I’m not.”
Nor would I.
I fell in love with Carter because of his strength, loyalty to the people he loves, and willingness to do what needs to be done. Even getting his hands dirty.
With Carter, I feel something I’ve never felt before.
I feel safe.
Safer than I’ve felt in years, despite the chaotic and messy life I’ve been dragged into and Carter’s endless slew of enemies who are willing to play dirty and go to whatever lengths they need to in order to win. While I know that Carter doesn’t have the moral high ground, not by any stretch of the imagination, I at least know that he does have some boundaries.
Carter would never go after their families. No matter how far they pushed him.
Knowing that gives me some comfort, making me feel like he might accept our baby after all. Over the past few days, I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to tell him. Unfortunately, the harder I try to find the courage to tell him the truth, the more complicated it gets.
Because I know this isn’t the right time.
With everything going on, there’s never going to be a right time.
When Carter pulls away to look at me, I take his hand and lead him to the bed. Despite his insistence on maintaining control over every aspect of his life, including where I’m involved, Carter doesn’t protest. He doesn’t even protest when I push him onto the bed and climb onto his lap. In silence, he wraps his arms around my waist and tilts his head back to look up at me.
“I love you, Carter Blackthorne. I know you know that, but I need you to believe it.” I place a hand over his chest and look into his eyes. “Whenever things get tough, whenever they get to be too much, I want you to remember that. Remember me and what we’re fighting for.”
Carter makes a low noise in the back of his throat. In one quick move, he shifts me so I’m on the mattress, and he’s on top of me. He lowers his head to kiss me, and it feels different, sweeter, like he’s trying to make me understand something he can’t put into words.
It makes butterflies erupt in my stomach. My entire body feels on fire like I’m going to burn from the inside out. But I don’t care, not as long Carter is the one who is fanning the flames.
He and I could burn together, and it wouldn’t matter.
I kiss him back with just as much fervor and just as much passion. However, when I move to deepen the kiss and link my legs around his waist, he stops. Reluctantly, he wrenches his lips away and looks down at me as if he’s trying to commit me to memory. I give him a confused look and wriggle against him.
“What’s happening? Why did you stop?”
Carter frames my face in his hands and says nothing. “War is coming, dove. I’ve done my best to avoid it, but I don’t have a choice anymore. It’s not just going to be against the Philipses and the Natoris. It’s against the mayor too. He’s a fucking snake, but he’s a lot more resourceful than I gave him credit for.”
“Can’t you ask the Donahues to help?”
Carter frowns. “No.”
I sit up on my elbows and huff. “Why not? Rich has already proven his worth more than once. Please don’t tell me it’s about those stupid pictures that were posted of us. He doesn’t mean anything to me, Carter. You know that.”
Carter’s expression darkens as he leans back and scowls. “We are not talking about Rich fucking Donahue anymore.”
“Carter, don’t be stubborn. You need his help, his resources—”
“I said we’re not talking about him anymore,” Carter replies, his voice rising toward the end. “I’m not discussing this anymore, dove. You need to stop pushing.”
I open my mouth to protest, see the look on his face, and slam it shut. I don’t want to keep having the same argument.
With a sigh, I fall back against the mattress, and Carter curls up against me. He sleeps on his side, so he’s facing me, and I let my eyes move over every inch of him.
Like I’m trying to carve his features into my brain. I want him committed to my memory and engraved on my heart.
“I was thinking about the wedding,” I whisper, pausing to link my fingers together. “How would you feel about somewhere tropical? I can’t remember the last time I went to the beach.”
“Whatever you want, dove.”
I frown. “You get some input, too. It’s your wedding.”
Carter shrugs and flips onto his back. He places a hand behind his head and stares up at the ceiling. “I honestly don’t give a shit where we get married, as long as we do.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t want you to worry about the expenses or anything like that,” Carter continues, not hearing the disappointment in my voice. “But don’t expect me to be a hands-on type of groom. Tristan will get me there in one piece.”
“Were you expecting to get there in several pieces?”
Carter twists his head to look at me and gives me a blank look. “Your humor needs some work, dove.”
“I know, but you’re not allowed to get blown up or cut up into pieces or whatever, okay? You make sure you come back to me, Carter.”
Otherwise, I’m going to have to hunt down his enemies myself. And I don’t know the first thing about revenge or making people play.
But I’m all too sure that if anything happens to Carter, his family will be more than happy to help me.
“You and I are going to get married soon,” I add in a lighter voice. “And who knows, maybe we’ll even start our own family.”
I watch his face carefully, but his expression doesn’t change when I say the words.
“I know we’ve never talked about it before, but I do want to have kids someday,” I continue, my voice rising a little toward the end. Pausing, I clear my throat and ignore the nervous fluttering in the center of my stomach. “I think you’d make a great dad, for what it’s worth.”
Carter snorts and doesn’t look over at me. “Your sense of humor isn’t going to improve if you make jokes like that, dove.”
I swallow. “What if I’m not kidding? What if I do want us to become parents?”
Carter flips onto his side to face me, a furrow between his brows. “I honestly can’t tell if you’re serious or trying to keep my mind off things.”
“A little of both?”
“You’d make a fucking amazing mother, dove,” Carter tells me with a half-smile. “I don’t doubt that, but I don’t know the first thing about being a father, and at this point, I think it’s too late for me. I’m set in my ways.”
“You could learn.”
Carter places his hands on my waist and draws me closer. “I could, but why in the fuck would I want to? I enjoy having you all to myself. It’s not like we can raise a baby in this environment anyway.”
My heart drops at his words, but I try not to let it show on my face. Carter has no idea why I’m asking. As far as he’s concerned, I’m just making small talk in an effort to keep his mind off things.
And I’m not even succeeding.
I’m overcome with the urge to tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Until he opens his mouth and speaks again.
“Besides, you’ve got the implant, so there’s no chance you’re getting pregnant. We’ve got bigger things to focus on, dove.”
My eyes flick down to my arm, and sweat forms on the back of my neck. “What if the implant wasn’t there anymore? Not on purpose, obviously, but what if it was removed because of some kind of accident?”
Carter’s hands move to my back, and he helps me out of the towel. When I’m naked in front of him, he runs his fingers over my skin, tracing something I can’t see. “I don’t deal in hypotheticals, dove. Neither should you.”
I study his face and fall silent. It’s too late for me to tell him now anyway. The moment has passed.
But I can’t help but mourn it as it passes.