Elle
I knit my brows. “You told me I was a stupid bitch for wanting to be with him.”
“And I stand by that.”
“And you still want me to destroy him?”
“It’s for the best.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
She sighs. “Look, in the hospital, you told me you never wanted to feel so helpless again. So lost in love, only to have it snatched away from you. This isn’t real,” she gestures to the room, to the bed, to Gant’s empty side. “Even if Gant wants it to be because since I’ve been here hiding in the shadows — ”
“You’re creepy as fuck for that, by the way.”
“— I can see why you’d believe him. That he loves you.”
I look at her in utter shock, but she shakes her head and looks away.
“But you’re right, I don’t know if Gant could take on Bart. So, don’t wait for Gant or Bart to wake you up from this dream in the worst possible way because you know it’s coming. It’s not a matter of if, but when.”
I stare at the ceiling, my eyes burning. It’s true. I never want to feel that way again. Helpless. Lost without him. Lost without his love.
I can love myself. That should be enough.
“I know,” I whisper. “I know you’re right.”
She eyes me carefully, critically. “You say we aren’t friends, but you texted me about the Parrishs.”
“Because you wanted an update.”
“But you didn’t have to tell me about the way they treated you. Like you were nothing but a wet hole. Like all you wanted was their money.”
“Well, I’m about to prove them right.” I hadn’t told her that they’d given me money already, too. When I’d texted Rin, I was desperate for an outlet and, begrudgingly, as she called it, a friend. I couldn’t bring myself to message Aria or Stassi. They wouldn’t understand…but Rin would.
“And rightfully so. They want to be right so bad, prove them right.”
“But how is that winning? If I’m doing exactly what they expect?” Why does it make me feel so cheap despite the price tag?
“Is that what’s bothering you?” she asks. “, who cares what they think. They’ll think that about you regardless. Your focus is on disproving Gant. Disproving that you're a pathetic pussy he can toy with. Someone he can fuck over and use as a cum rag later.”
Don’t say it.
Don’t say your deepest secret.
“What if…I want to be sometime?”
“ Bitch! ” She hisses. “Say sike right now.”
“Haven’t you felt that way before? I’m not saying it’s right, I’m saying I feel right when I’m with him. I’m so fucking tired of all this scheming. I just want a little break.” A respite. With him.
“ Lazy, ” she chants.
“Sometimes I like being his doll. I like him manoeuvring me because he knows exactly what to do.”
She looks at me like I’m slow.
“ I know! ” I hiss at her unspoken words of my stupidity and rub my temples. “But haven’t you ever felt this way? Ever? ”
“I did once,” she confesses after a long pause. “But unlike you, I’ve learned my lesson, and I won’t ever allow myself to feel that helpless again. When I start missing him, wanting him, you know what I remind myself of? How much worse his betrayal felt than my current longing.”
Bae?
“Did his betrayal feel worse than how good it felt to be in his arms? Beneath him? On him?”
“I don’t know,” she says matter-of-factly. “I’ve never been someone’s precious little doll to manoeuvre around.”
“But all those dates — ”
“I’m not an angel. You can have my hand, but you’ll never get inside of me. You’ll never be able to say that I opened up and let you, a fucking devil, in.” Her expression is so hard. So cold. So…lonely. The way I feel.
Is that why I’ve been denying Gant my pussy? I didn’t want him inside of me, to penetrate my heart all over again. But he’s already in me, embedded deep, because he never left. And even when I leave, I think a fragment of him will always remain.
“You’ll break eventually,” I say softly, thinking of Bae’s beautiful face that searches for Rin in every room. “Gant told me how badly he wanted to hurt me, and it still didn’t change anything. He was the right devil who didn’t knock but let himself in without my permission. One day, a fiend like that will tear down your door too because it not something you willingly let happen…it just happens.” Like destiny.
She presses her palm to my forehead, checking to see if I’m running a fever. “May this ailment of dick and stupidity never find me.”
“Is it so bad to be used up and worn out?” I ask, searching her eyes for validation.
“You’re freaking me out.”
“I like lying here and being his little doll. I like being used.”
“ ! ” But then something I don’t expect happens. Her shoulders shake, and a laugh racks her. “You’re filthy. Even more so than I thought.”
Her laugh makes me smile. It feels like I haven’t smiled in ages.
“Shouldn’t you be filthy with the right person?”
“The right person? You mean your tormentor ? Get a grip, girly and stick to the plan. You need to meet Bart Auclair. There isn’t any way around it. Meet him at the cricket match, and slide him the folder. State your demands clearly, and tell him that you want that transfer by midnight or Beaussip gets a copy of that file. Either way, the world’s going to find out the truth. Either way, Gant’s going to realize you were only using him, and that’s what you swore to me that you wanted. Remember, we have an agreement. If you don’t uphold your end, I’ll still get my cut through Beaussip because I’ll send it to her if I don’t get that screenshot of the transfer by daybreak.”
I stare at the ceiling again.
“Time’s ticking, and soon Gant will learn what you’ve been up to. So let him find out via Bart or via Beaussip. You know which one will hurt him more. But…if you want to be at his disposal one more time. I guess make it count tonight.”
My eyes flick to her. “I have your blessing?”
“How can I bless what’s already cursed?” She’s about to get off the bed when I grab her wrist.
“Why do you hate Bae?”
She freezes. “What?”
“Bae. You hate him. Why?”
“ Random. ”
“Is it? It’s been on my mind for at least a month, and I’m guessing on yours for way longer.”
She looks like she’s about to shut me down, but then I say, “You said we were friends, right? If you really meant that, then you can share some things with me, too. Whatever you're comfortable with.”
From her face, that’s nothing at all, but she sighs and relents.
“Bae is a man. I hate all men.” At my look, she goes on. “They swear to protect you and keep you safe, even when you aren’t there. Even when people are talking about you behind your back, and they think you don't know… They do a lot of things when they think you don’t know. They pretend, but money doesn’t pretend. The number is what the number is.”
The smooth swoosh of the lift’s doors opening masks Rin’s darting footsteps so soundlessly I wouldn’t have believed she were ever here.
I settle into the pillows and pretend to be asleep. Pretend that everything is okay because I can keep secrets too.
I’ve become just like you.
And I want to find me again.
This….this isn’t me. All this sneaking around. It’s you.
He creeps into the bedroom, and I feel the air still as he pauses to look at me, but he doesn’t approach the bed. He smells like smoke and greasy food. Was it from passing late-night vendors on the street? Had he stopped for a snack?
The first thing he does is slip into the bathroom, and a second later, the shower starts.
What is he washing away?