Chapter 24
In the over five years I’ve known River, I’ve learned many things about him. Such as his various tells.
When he’s excited about something but is trying to play it cool, the right corner of his mouth twitches up.
When he’s having a flare of arthritic pain but trying to hide it, his exhales are heavier.
And when he’s on the verge of a full-blown panic attack, his body goes stock still and his voice becomes monotone.
I also know that River’s default is to hide his feelings, like life is a game of poker, and if he gives too much away about what he’s experiencing, he’ll lose.
So the fact that he’s visibly upset right now is troubling.
I don’t know what to do with this version of River.
He rips his glasses off to scrub away the tears forming in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says, anguish threading through his tone. “I’m so sorry, Ambrose.”
Comforting him hasn’t helped, and even though it goes against my instincts to protect and soothe, I don’t let myself rush over to his side to hold him as he cries. If I do that, I worry he won’t tell me what’s wrong.
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to tell me what’s going on.” I keep my voice even, but when he looks up at me with watery eyes, my resolve to be tough breaks. Reaching across the table, I take his hand in mine. “Please, River,” I add softly. “I need to know in order to help.”
He swallows hard, gripping my hand like it’s a lifeline. “It’s not something you can help with.” He sounds utterly defeated.
“Okay, what the hell is going on?” Jackson storms back into the dining area with a frustrated scowl on his face.
When River stays silent, the burly beta grabs River’s chair and yanks it back, spinning it to face him. He jabs a finger at River, who blinks up at him in surprise.
A small growl forms in my throat as my alpha sees it as an attack on my mate, but I push it down. I’m worried, but I’m angry, too. My go-to method of communication isn’t working, so maybe Jackson can get through to River.
“I was shocked and I couldn’t keep my shit together,” River barks back at his best friend.
“Why? What was so offensive about Camille that you’d freak out?” Jackson asks, not backing down as River’s alpha attempts to assert dominance.
“She’s not offensive,” River sighs. “She’s amazing.”
His reply takes me aback. Now I’m even more confused.
Camille is gorgeous, and intoxicating from the moment we met, but River flipped a switch from upbeat to freaked out as soon as he saw her. I’d wonder if she’s his scent match as well, but that can’t be it. He didn’t have a chance to scent her before he started acting strange.
I open my mouth to ask him to explain more, but Jackson continues before I can, crossing his arms over his chest with a huff.
“Then why the fuck were you being such an asshole? She didn’t even say anything to you!”
Things click into place as River’s posture grows even more rigid. River is anxious when he meets new people, and sometimes standoffish, but never outright rude.
“You already know her,” I murmur.
River and Jackson’s attention snaps over to me, the look in River’s eyes confirming my guess.
“I work with her.” There’s a pause, and River lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m her boss.”
“Wait, what?” The new information has Jackson’s aggressive stance melting. He turns the chair next to River around and swings a leg over to sit astride it, leaning his arms on the back of the chair. “Damn dude, what are the odds?”
River huffs out a humorless laugh. “I shouldn’t be surprised. I have awful luck, so it tracks.”
I understand why seeing his employee sitting at our dining table would be shocking, but that still doesn’t explain his lack of civility.
I hate to ask, because my alpha is convinced that my scent match is flawless, but I force the question out. “Is she bad at her job? Is that why you don’t like her?”
River shakes his head. “No, she’s the most competent person on my team. She’s great at her job.” There’s obvious admiration and a touch of frustration in his tone.
“So…” My brow furrows. “She’s too good at her job and you’re worried that she’s going to steal your role?”
River shakes his head again. “No, she doesn’t have any interest in management, from what I can tell.”
Jackson lets out a frustrated exhale. “I’m seriously not getting this at all. Yeah, it’s weird that she’s your subordinate and I understand why that power dynamic could be an issue, but surely you can figure that out.”
“No, we can’t. There’s a strict policy against it. We’d both get fired. Besides… it’s… it won’t work between us.”
An uncomfortable, nagging sensation is forming in my gut. As much as I don’t want to think anything bad about my mate, I’m starting to suspect that Camille isn’t the bad coworker.
River is.
The dread increases as I recall things Camille mentioned about work.
When we first met, she was worried about how her employer would react to her missing so many days for her heat.
Tonight, she viscerally reacted to us asking her about her job.
She looked like she saw a ghost when River walked into the room.
She pretended like they’d never met before.
“Jesus, River, what did you do to her?” I blurt, my alpha’s defensiveness for my scent match rising to the surface before I can tamp it down.
He flinches like I’ve slapped him, and I ache to take the words back, but it’s too late. “I’m not a monster. I’ve kept my distance from her and clearly that’s made her uncomfortable. I’ve done nothing to make Camille like me, and yes, I haven’t been friendly, but I’ve always stayed professional.”
“But why?” Jackson asks. “Camille is so nice and smart. There’s no reason you two shouldn’t get along.”
“Because my alpha wanted her!” River snaps.
My eyes widen as his frustration smashes down the barrier he’s erected in our bond. He’s so angry at himself, it hurts.
Silence stretches out between the three of us. I can tell Jackson wants to say something, but he’s holding back to give River space to continue.
Which, after a shuddering inhale and returning his glasses to his face, he does.
River looks at his hands as he speaks, like it’s too difficult to look at either of us right now.
“We met my first day at the office, and my alpha was making me want to act like a total psycho around Camille. I saw her when I walked into the room for my intro meeting with my team, and the whole time my damn alpha wanted to growl at everyone to leave the room so I could fuck her on the conference table.”
River looks up, and his eyes flick between me and Jackson.
“You know that’s not normal for me. The only time my alpha makes himself known is…
” A flush creeps up his neck. “When I’m with you, Ambrose.
And that wasn’t so intense. Not right away, at least.” He waits for Jackson to make a joke about our dynamic, but the beta’s eyes only widen before he nods.
“I know, love,” I murmur, trying to not let him hear my surprise at his alpha reacting so strongly to Camille.
My mind races behind my understanding smile, wondering if Camille is River’s scent match, and he didn’t realize it then because she hadn’t revealed.
But no, though rare, betas can have scent matches, too.
As if he’s heard my thoughts, River continues.
“My alpha was feral for her, so I stayed as far away from her as the job would allow. I canceled one-on-ones with her. I sat on the opposite side of the room in staff meetings. I did everything I could over chat. I was… I am an asshole to her, because that makes it easier to keep away.”
River’s voice trails off and he squeezes his eyes closed, as if he’s trying to shut out the memory of his actions.
I can’t hold myself back any longer. Not when he’s in such clear distress. I get up and round the table to drag him into my arms, but Jackson is faster, standing and tugging River up into a hug.
After a few seconds, River tries to pull back, but Jackson shakes his head and holds him tighter.
“Nope. This deserves a long hug. I gotta make up for all the time you were worrying about this on your own.” Almost a minute of crushing River to his chest later, Jackson thumps his back and pulls away.
River’s glasses are fogged from being pressed up against Jackson’s bulk and he lets out a disgruntled huff as he wipes them off, but the pained expression from before has softened significantly.
Jackson wipes his eyes and clears his throat. “Fuck, Riv. Why didn’t you tell us about her? You didn’t have to deal with those feelings alone. We could’ve figured something out together.”
He took the words right out of my mouth. I’m hurting for River that he struggled with this, but alongside that hurt is my own pain and frustration.
He should’ve told me. I’m his partner. My job is to support him and he knows how important doing that is to me.
Not only that, but he was hurting Camille, which makes my alpha want to growl at him.
River meets my eyes, shame written across his face and radiating down the bond. I let him feel all of my emotions because I’d be a hypocrite to want him to share with me while holding myself back.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I know that an apology won’t make up for potentially ruining things with Camille. But I’ll find a way to fix this. I won’t destroy both your chances of being happy.”
“That’s not why I’m upset,” I snap “Of course we’ll fix this. And if we don’t, Camille isn’t meant to be part of our pack.”
River blinks at me, taken aback. I know I’m being harsh, but I haven’t been able to get through his thick, self-sacrificing skull so far, so maybe this is what he needs.
“I’m hurt, River. You should’ve told me about what was happening at work.” I swallow down a lump of emotion before continuing. “I’ve asked you for months—almost a year, for fuck’s sake—about what was stressing you out at work, and you blamed it on being busy. I could’ve helped.”
“We could’ve helped,” Jackson interjects. “I know we’re not partners, but you’re my best friend. This is the kind of shit you talk to your best friend about.”
“I know. I wanted to. I’m so sorry.” River runs a hand through his hair, tipping his head back and closing his eyes.
When he looks back at us, he sighs. “It was right after things went to hell with Alexis, and Jackson was talking about quitting. I didn’t want to make things even more stressful.
I thought I could handle it on my own. And to be fair, it would’ve been fine if fate didn’t have such a shitty sense of humor.
Neither of you would’ve ever even known Camille existed. ”
God, if that isn’t the most quintessential River thing to say. His worst nightmare is being a problem or inconveniencing us. Too bad he ended up with two packmates who’d do anything for him. Who want to do things for him.
“Please stop deciding for us what stress we can and can’t handle.” I place a hand on his shoulder. “You’re going to put one of us in an early grave if you keep this up,” I add with a teasing chuckle, trying to soften my words a touch.
River gives me a watery smile. He sniffs and nods. “Okay.”
Jackson grins at him. “You’d think after being raised in a free love commune, you’d be more open.”
River grimaces at the mention of his upbringing. “Some things should stay private,” he mutters. When Jackson scowls at him, he holds his hands up defensively. “But, I get it. I’ll do better.” He sucks in a deep breath, steadying himself. “Starting with Camille.”
“We don’t have to figure that out immediately,” I say gently.
River shakes his head. “Yeah, we do. You may not like my solution, but please hear me out.”
“Hold on, lemme get Dolly for you.” Jackson moves over to the dog bed and scoops up a slightly disgruntled Dahlia, who has been watching us with concern. He shoves her into River’s arms. “Tough conversations are always better with a comfort dog.”
River’s face scrunches like he wants to argue that he doesn’t need a comfort dog, but a moment later smiles down at the dachshund in his arms when she nudges him to pet her. He sits back down at the table with her in his lap and Jackson and I take our seats again, ready to listen.
When everyone is settled, River nods. “I want Camille to be part of our pack.”
“No shit. We all do,” Jackson replies and I shoot him a look that says now isn’t the time for being glib. He sobers. “Sorry, go on.”
“She fits well with both of you, so you should keep courting her.”
I can already see where he’s going with this, and I don’t like it. “What about you? We’re not trading you for her, so don’t even think about suggesting—”
River scoffs. “I’m not! I get it. You two want to keep me around for god knows what reason, so I’m not going anywhere.”
I roll my eyes at his nonsense. “We want you to stay because you belong with us. We love you.”
“Yeah,” Jackson adds.
“And I love you, which is why I’m not arguing about it anymore,” River replies in a huff.
“What I’m trying to say is that you should both court Camille, and if that works out, great.
I can’t court her because of my job, and I don’t even think she’d want that, given how awful I’ve been to her.
But platonic packmates are a thing,” he says, inclining his chin at Jackson.
“Not everyone has to be with her romantically for this to work.”
As much as I dislike the idea, River has already proven he can handle wanting someone and not acting on it. It could work.
“I don’t know…” Jackson starts, looking over at me to back him up.
“We can try,” I say, because what’s the alternative? I can’t force River to court Camille, and unless he can find another job—which I’d never ask him to do—his hands are tied.
His relief is palpable through the bond, like an enormous weight was lifted off of him. He cards his fingers through Dolly’s fur. “Good. This can work.”
“I’m willing to try, but dude, you have to communicate with us.” Jackson crosses his arms over his chest. “You have to stop shutting off your bond, because I don’t trust you to not hide what’s really going on in that brilliant, anxious mind of yours.”
I expect River to argue with that proclamation, but he nods. “If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything for you two.”
As much as I want to believe him, little alarm bells go off at his words. That’s what I’m afraid of—River will give up anything and everything to make us happy, including his own happiness.