Chapter 6
I scowl as I run my fingers through my too-long hair for the hundredth time, attempting to smooth down the spots where it's decided to spike out.
If I’d known I’d be seeing my mate tonight, I would’ve made time to go to a barber. Some stupid, undeniable part of me wants to look good for the alpha that walked out on me, and when I stare at my reflection, I feel like I’ve aged years in the span of a few months.
Stress, insomnia, and near-constant heartache over your absent mate and your estranged scent match will do that to you.
Jackson’s face appears in the hall mirror behind me, and he furrows his brow as our eyes meet in the reflection. “You good?” he asks, placing a hand on my shoulder. Through the bond, Jackson’s own nerves and trepidation are crystal clear.
I turn away from the mirror and attempt to smile back. “Just wishing I hadn’t had to cancel my visit to the barber again.”
“You look good. Handsome,” Jackson says, the compliment taking us both by surprise.
He’s been doing that a lot lately. I’ve attributed it to us clinging to each other after our packmate ran away, both of us trying hard to show the other that we’re still in this, even if River’s gone.
River may’ve been the one to bring us together, but the last few months have taught us that we’re still pack without him.
It pulls a genuine smile from me, working muscles that are far too stiff and unused as of late. “You’re just saying that because you know I’m five seconds from having a total freakout.”
Jackson laughs, the corners of his eyes crinkling with humor that I know comes harder to him now too, and shakes his head. “No, no, seriously. The messy hair look is hot. River is going to kick himself for staying away from you.”
“Really?”
Jackson nods. “Really. You’ve got this. Not that you need to impress him. The asshole is the one that left us. He’s lucky we’re giving him a chance at all.”
His sweetness instead of him ribbing me about being a disheveled old man is weird, but nice. There’s a small part of me that misses our old dynamic of him annoying the shit out of me to rile me up, but I really like this version of Jackson. It’s the only good thing to come from River leaving.
Will it stay that way when he comes back?
If he comes back, I remind myself. River sounded certain on the phone, but we didn’t discuss details. To him, this might mean coming back to the pack until things get better for Camille, then fleeing again.
“Yeah, true.” I swallow hard. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I ask softly, sensing the anger and hurt swelling inside my packmate.
“Camille needs all of us,” Jackson says dismissively.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Maybe. But what you need matters, too. I’m not letting River back into our lives if it means hurting you.”
Jackson shakes his head, but I can tell it’s struck a nerve. “You don’t have to say that. I know he’s your mate. I know he’s more important.”
“No, he’s not more important.” The words are instantaneous, and the truth resonates in the air between us. “You’re pack. You matter, frankly more than River does right now, because you didn’t give up. You stayed, and you’ve done everything you can to keep our pack together.”
Jackson’s eyes grow glassy as I speak, but he doesn’t have time to respond before the doorbell rings and Dolly’s sonorous bark rings out from the living room.
“I can tell him to go.” I reach out to place a hesitant hand on Jackson’s arm, giving his bicep a squeeze. It’s instinct for me to comfort him with touch, especially now that I don’t have an omega or mate to give that physical reassurance to.
He tenses for a second at the contact, something that’s not quite discomfort flashing behind his eyes, and I instantly regret touching him without asking. We’ve hugged a few times when one or both of us was feeling rough, but that’s not the open invitation to touch that my alpha thinks it is.
I pull my hand back, cheeks heating.
Jackson shakes his head. “No. I want him here. He needs to help fix this mess he made.”
We head to the front door, and Jackson scoops Dolly up, attempting to get her to quiet down as I unlock the door and pull it open.
Far too many emotions to count slam into me at the sight of my mate standing on the stoop. The biggest ones being, fuck, I missed him, and god, I’m so angry at him.
From the way he flinches, he’s experiencing it full force as I let any feeble control I had on my bond with him come crashing down.
I expect him to flee. Or at least to slam his own barriers in place and cut himself off from us, but he does neither.
A deep purr rumbles to life in his chest, sounding rusty and unused as he looks at me.
River clears his throat, but it stays thrumming through him, and a sheepish half-smile forms on his lips. “H-hi.”
Dahlia lets out a series of loud whines when she sees who is at the door, wriggling violently in Jackson’s arms in an attempt to get to River.
Honestly, I get it. My alpha is yelling at me to press my cheek to River’s chest and drink in the vibrations of his purr and his heady scent.
I step back to make room for River to come inside. “Hi. Thanks for coming.”
“Thank you for asking me to come,” he murmurs, his eyes flashing from mine over to Jackson, his posture tense like he’s afraid we’re going to attack at any moment.
Dolly wriggles so hard that Jackson loses hold of her, and River is there in an instant to catch the jumpy dog as she leaps toward him in her excitement. “Whoa there, Dolly! I missed you too, silly girl, but you have to be careful.”
She responds to him with a warbling sound and a big lick to his chin. When he looks away from her, she whines pathetically.
To my surprise, tears well in River’s. “I know, honey. I’m so sorry I’ve been gone.”
He’s speaking to Dolly, but his shame and regret are potent in the bond.
When River looks up, the tears are spilling down his cheeks.
“Shit, sorry, I thought I’d be better at holding it together, but one of the side effects of experiencing my emotions instead of bottling them up is…
this.” He waves his free hand at his tear-streaked face and gives a weak, watery laugh as Dolly whines again.
The instinctive urge to pull him to my chest and soothe him is overwhelming, but Jackson has the opposite reaction, scowling at River. “If you think crying is going to make everything okay, you’re wrong.”
River’s eyes flash up to meet Jackson’s indignant glare.
I watch what in the past would’ve caused him to shut himself off and go cold, make him cringe.
“Of course not.” He releases a shuddering exhale and sets a reluctant Dolly down, swiping under his glasses to try to stem the tide of his tears.
“I don’t expect either of you to forgive me right now.
Maybe not ever. I’ve been so stuck in my own head and bullshit that I was a terrible packmate.
I fucked things up with Camille, and then with you.
I know my saying sorry or crying doesn’t change that. ”
River grimaces, and there’s a surge of frustration directed at himself as he speaks again, the words rushing out.
“I wanted more time so that I could be better enough to do this apology right, but I don’t have it, and I’m terrified I’ll do or say the wrong thing and fuck up any shot at fixing things with you.
Fixing things with our pack and our omega.
Being the packmate you all deserve, not a selfish, emotionally constipated asshole. ”
My chest aches so fiercely it’s hard to breathe. I want to believe him. I want nothing more in the world than to trust that my mate’s words mean something. But we’ve shared too many conversations where he promised to try harder and do better, and here we are.
“What you say or how you say it doesn’t matter,” I grit out, wincing at the fresh stab of pain from River’s end of the bond.
“Then I’ll show you. Please let me show you.” River reaches out like he’s going to touch my arm, but pulls it back with a heavy exhale.
Jackson and I exchange a look, and I can tell he’s struggling as hard as I am not to give our packmate a hug. Neither of us likes him sounding so broken, but there’s something reassuring in the raw edge to River’s tone and his presence in the bond. I’ve never seen or felt anything like it from him.
“So what’s changed?” Jackson crosses his arms over his chest and narrows his eyes at River. “Why do you think you can do what you couldn’t before?”
“Oh, I’m positive my efforts will be pathetic.
Maybe I’ll fail. But I’ve been going to therapy twice a week, and Dr. Mike has made it abundantly clear to me what I need to do to change.
And I’ve been working on it. I’m sure you can’t tell yet, but I’ll keep working on it.
Probably will take me until the day I die to figure all my shit out,” he adds with a rueful huff.
My alpha can’t take it any longer. I’m over at River’s side and pulling him into my arms. He lets out a shocked puff of air as I squeeze him to my chest, my purring so intense it rattles all the way down to my toes. “I can tell,” I murmur, understanding the change I felt in him now.
River’s chest shakes in a mixture of his own purr and soft sobs as he clutches me back.
“Ugh, okay fine, I’ll give you a chance,” Jackson huffs. We both let out a muffled “oof” as he joins us, Jackson’s body colliding with River’s back until we’re squeezing him from both sides.
No one speaks for a long time, letting our bonds do the talking for us as we share our tangle of emotions. Eventually, Jackson releases us and steps back. I give River one more squeeze, and brush my cheek against his to scent mark him before pulling away.
We’re not healed yet, but it’s a start. As much as I should make him grovel, I’ve never been good at keeping my adoration for my mate at bay. I know I’ll cave to my need for him sooner rather than later.
Jackson clears his throat. “Okay, now that that’s settled, let’s talk about Camille.” He gives River an assessing look. “Please tell me you didn’t out her as an omega. Because I don’t think I can forgive you if you did it as some weird petty power play like she thinks you did.”
“No! Fuck, no, absolutely not,” River exclaims, raking a hand through his hair.
“You saw me that day after I bonded her. I quit my job and was all in. I thought someone overheard us in my office or figured out that I bit her. She was so angry, she kept saying things about how cruel I was, and I thought it was because of the bond.”
Jackson nods, the confirmation an obvious weight off his chest. “Alright. I believe you. But Camille is convinced you did. No one else knew she was an omega other than you and her omega coworker, who wasn’t even in town when she got reported.”
I sigh. “Someone must’ve seen us together with her. Or noticed signs and put the pieces together. That’s not what matters. What matters is how we convince Camille to let us make amends and protect her from all the shit going on.”
River stiffens. “What shit? I still don’t know what’s going on with her.”
I grimace, thankful when Jackson takes the lead. “There’s an article on Alpha Net about omegas lying about their designation in the workplace that features her name and photo, and it’s gone viral. Some knotheads were talking at the gym about if she was bangable or not, and showed me the picture.”
River lets out a low growl that he follows with a cough. “Fucking scum.”
“Yeah, it was hard not to beat the shit out of them, but I got out of there as fast as I could. The next thing I knew I was at Camille’s place, and she looked awful, and… I’m done keeping my distance. Ambrose agreed. And now you’re here.”
“She needs her pack,” I say. “Her whole pack.”
River nods. “She does, but I have no clue how to get her to even consider speaking to me. I’m the one who is the problem.”
“I swear to god dude, if you suggest we kick you out of the pack so we can get Camille again, I’ll strangle you,” Jackson snaps.
“I wasn’t going to! I fucking want her and you two so bad it keeps me up every night.”
My eyes widen at his declaration, as do Jackson’s, but River doesn’t seem to notice the connotation of the words, barrelling forward in a huff. “I’m just saying that she won’t want anything to do with me.”
“Okay, fine,” Jackson grumbles. “I needed to check.”
“Well, you did, and you were wrong, but I get why you thought that,” River huffs back.
Affection swells in my chest at their prickly demeanors. I know arguing should seem like a bad sign, but to me it’s saying we’re not too broken to fix our pack. And if River is changing, and we can figure out how to get through to Camille, we could be better than before.
I’m ever the overly romantic optimist, even now.
Jackson’s brow furrows in thought. “I might have an idea of how we get Camille and you in the same room.”
“You do?” I ask.
“Yeah, but it’s going to require we get new dress shoes,” Jackson replies cryptically. “Dahlia chewed ours up when you moved out.”