Chapter 24
River watches me attempt to cram a far too large burger into my mouth, his dark eyes glittering with amusement. It turns into a laugh when half the contents slip out and splatter onto the plate in front of me as I try to take a bite, and he reaches out with a napkin for my ketchup-covered hands.
“Whose idea was this, anyway?” I grumble as I wipe off the mess, thankful that it at least didn’t land on my shirt.
River grins at me. “Sorry.”
He doesn’t look sorry at all. He hasn’t been able to stop smiling at me since we sat down in our booth at the cute diner, and it’s throwing me off. I know how to handle sullen, distant River. This smiley, laughing man in front of me is a whole other story.
I take a sip of my water so I have an excuse to look away from the little dimple that’s formed on his right cheek with his smile, hoping that my face isn’t flushing too much from embarrassment and at how unfairly good-looking he is when he’s happy.
“So now that I’ve broken the ice by making a mess, should we…” I ask hesitantly, knowing it will make that beautiful smile go away.
River takes a bite of his burger, somehow managing to do it elegantly and not have it fall apart on him.
He chews it methodically as he searches my face, swallows, and sets the burger back down.
There’s still a hint of a smile on his lips as he sighs.
“Yeah, guess we should.” He wipes his hands off on a napkin, then continues. “Can I make a stipulation?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Do you think you’re in the position to make demands of me?”
His lips twitch, brow quirking at my phrasing like he can’t help thinking of the kind of demands he might make that wouldn’t be appropriate in the middle of a hole-in-the-wall diner. “I’m not. But I’m going to anyway.”
Intrigued, I nod. “Okay, what’s your caveat?”
“We do this now, we talk out what happened, and then you never apologize to me about it again,” he says, holding my gaze.
“I don’t think you have anything to apologize for, but I won’t keep you from doing it if it will help.
But just this once. I can’t bear knowing you feel any guilt when I’m the one who created the mess. ”
I take a moment to consider it, instead of allowing my knee-jerk protest to escape my lips. I don’t agree with him that this was entirely his fault, but I can respect his desire to get it out there and move on.
Things with his pack are never going to work if we both continue to walk on eggshells around each other and constantly try to apologize for the past instead of focusing on the present.
I never considered myself a very forgiving person, and River still has a way to go before he’s fully earned my trust, but he’s trying to make amends.
It’s only fair that I try to let him in.
“Alright.”
River smiles. “Thank you.”
“But the same goes for you,” I add. River opens his mouth to protest, but I shake my head at him.
“We both apologize now, and move on. I won’t stop you if you want to keep doing nice things for me, but I don’t want it because you’re guilty.
I told you that you can’t buy back my trust, and you also can’t make my reservations disappear if you apologize enough times.
It’s going to take time. Repeated instances where we prove to each other that we’re committed and trying to make it work. ”
River huffs out a soft, wry laugh. “You sound like my therapist.”
I raise an eyebrow at him.
“In a good way!” he clarifies. “He’s always telling me that berating myself for the past and my inadequacies won’t make things better. Actions and change will.”
A small smile curves my lips. “Sounds like a smart guy.”
“Almost as smart as you,” River replies, smiling back.
My chest squeezes as he holds my gaze, making a tiny crack in my defenses around my heart to let this alpha in.
“I’m sorry. When I got fired, I shouldn’t have assumed that you were the one who turned me in.
You gave me your word that you wouldn’t, and I doubted that.
If I hadn’t thought the worst of you… if I’d given you a chance to speak instead of storming away and shutting you out…
” I swallow down the lump of emotion in my throat at the memory of how devastated and confused River looked that day.
“If I’d listened and trusted you, we wouldn’t be where we are. ”
River watches me intently as I apologize, staying silent even though I can feel him practically vibrating with the need to reply. When I’m done speaking, he nods.
“You’re right, but not entirely. If you’d listened, then we could’ve avoided some pain in the short term, but I doubt it wouldn’t have come to a head in another way.
I gave you no reason to trust me, Camille, and I should be the one apologizing for that, not you.
I pushed you away over and over, made you feel insecure in your place with the pack, then turned around and bonded you in a moment of passion instead of talking things through. ”
River’s eyes shine with unspilled tears.
“And then I turned around and ran instead of trying to make things right. I accept your apology, and I need you to know that it’s not necessary.
I take responsibility for my actions that backed you into a corner where you felt unsafe and unwanted.
There hasn’t been a day since then that I haven’t wished I could go back in time and scream at myself to stop being a self-sacrificing, inflexible fool.
But I can’t change the past. I can only change what I do now.
“And I’m… I’m trying to change…I want to be better. For the pack. For you. For…for myself.” His voice shakes a little as he trails off, his struggles and emotion infused in his tone.
It takes me a moment to process what he’s said, fighting back my own tears at his earnest, heart-wrenching admissions.
What do I say? Everything I can think of either sounds trite in my head or dismisses the weight of how his behavior hurt me.
I don’t want to tell him it’s okay, because it wasn’t, but I’ve seen the change in him.
I feel it in my bones as I look at the alpha sitting across from me. He’s working hard to be better.
My omega would love for me to move over to his side of the booth, press into his chest, and purr for him, but I don’t think that’s the right move for either of us.
“I can tell you’re trying,” I say softly.
River nods and wipes away the tear that’s spilled down his cheek. “I am.”
A moment of silence passes. I sip my water.
He wrings his hands together, considering his words before he continues.
“I’m not someone who thinks everything happens for a reason, but that day was a long overdue wake-up call.
I’m sorry for how much pain I caused. I can’t express how much I regret it and wish I hadn’t hurt the people that matter most to me in this world.
At the same time, I don’t think I’d be able to be the alpha and man you need if it hadn’t happened.
I hate that I couldn’t get there without hurting you, and I’m so sorry. ”
I can’t hold back this time when my omega demands I go to him. River’s eyes widen when I slip from my side of the booth. “Camille, wait!”
I shake my head at him and his terror that I’m going to walk out, then slide into the space beside him and lean against his shoulder, purring.
“Camille,” he murmurs, his voice a mixture of confusion and relief.
I thread my fingers through his. “Okay.”
“Okay?” he asks, confused.
“Yeah. It happened. We apologized. Now we’re moving on.”
River turns his body toward me, his free hand reaching out hesitantly to cup my cheek. I lean in, but we don’t kiss. Our foreheads press together and stay there as we breathe together, his purr joining mine as his thumb strokes back and forth across my cheek.
His chest shudders with his heavy exhale, tension bleeding from his posture. “Okay.”
After a slightly awkward, but nice rest of our dinner, where we’re both a bit dazed from the weight of our apologies and the relief that followed in their wake, River takes my hand and leads me to a park a few blocks away from my apartment.
I don’t ask him why, or protest, because I’m not ready to say goodnight, but I’m not ready for him to come up to my place.
Even though my omega wants to jump him and have him on every surface of my apartment.
The glow of the lamplight gives the small park a dreamlike quality. Like this moment where we’re walking in silence, our pain laid bare and the prospect of healing on the horizon, is magical.
River stops by a bench next to a small fountain, and we sit.
I’m too caught up in staring at his handsome face and resisting the urge to kiss him to say anything, and when he speaks it startles me.
His lips twitch as he catches me staring. “I don’t want you to be alone tonight.” There’s a pause where I wonder if he’s waiting for me to protest that I don’t want him there, then he continues. “Can one of the other guys stay with you?”
It feels silly to deflate at his words. He’s only trying to respect my needs, but my brain interprets it as his not wanting to stay with me. Dammit, maybe I need to get some help, too. I can’t keep reacting like a kicked puppy because my omega misinterprets things.
I clear my throat, pushing down the ridiculous whine that was rising. “Yeah. Okay.”
River’s brow furrows. “Are you sure? I don’t want to rush you, but I’m worried about your safety.”
“Yes, I’m sure. Jackson can come stay if he’s free tonight.”
He chuckles. “Even if he had plans—which he definitely doesn’t—he’d cancel them in a heartbeat for a chance to be around you.”
“Alright. Thanks. I…” Now that the anxiety of being around River has lessened, the fear from being followed earlier creeps back in. “I was scared… He was so big, and I didn’t know what he wanted.” My lip trembles. “What would I have done if he’d barked at me?”