Chapter 7
Thank the fucking mother it’s Friday.
After a few excruciating long days in the office, it’s finally the weekend and I’ve never looked forward to two days off. I managed to get through the list of staff I planned to terminate, and now the remaining employees are seemingly falling into a consistent routine. Most people still don’t talk to me, and it’s okay because I don’t talk to them much either. At this rate, I’m just happy everybody is figuring out their groove.
Music thumps softly in the background of the bar I’m in. A glass of whiskey rests between my hands while I wait for my friends to show up. It’s been a while since we’ve been out, and after much convincing from my best friend Declan, I agreed to leave the office at a reasonable time on a Friday night to hang out with everybody.
Since graduating college, it was harder to find time to travel down the coast to see them and vice versa, so tonight would be the first in a few months that we’ve all seen each other, despite the random group Facetime calls every now and again. I missed my best friends. They’ve gotten me through some of the hardest shit in my life, and I owed a lot to them.
As I tilt my drink to my lips, a warm hand splays across my shoulder before leaning close to my ear and saying, “Hey, Mr. Boss Man. Did you miss me?”
The grin splitting across my lips comes instantly despite forcing the rest of my drink down my throat, its warmth coating my insides almost as much as the guy standing next to me. Bright green eyes similar in shade to mine light up, but nothing compares to the smile that stretches from ear to ear.
“It’s about fucking time,” I chuckle, standing from my spot at the bar to pull him into an embrace before we smack each other’s shoulders. We don’t let go from there; rather, we wrap each other into an actual hug, laughing before pulling away.
“It’s been too long, man,” Declan smiles, pulling up a chair before plopping down like he owns the place, spreading his legs to balance both feet on the bottom bars of the stool. “How the hell did we go five months without seeing each other? I think this has been the longest we’ve gone since eighth grade.”
I follow suit, flagging the bartender down when she notices the newcomer. “It’s definitely been way too long.”
Declan orders his drink, smiling kindly to the bartender before thanking her when his drink is made right on the spot. He takes a sip, rolls his lips in his mouth, and sets the glass back on the counter. He lightly smacks my arm again, the smile never leaving his face. “So, tell me all about the promotion, man!”
“It’s been…a lot,” I admit, rubbing a hand over the back of my neck. “I had to terminate a lot of people, and that fucking sucked more than I thought it would. Dad never mentioned how bad the company was struggling, and I underestimated exactly how bad it was.”
Declan’s smile fades as he takes another sip. “How bad are we talking?”
“We’ll go bankrupt by the end of the year if we don’t start bringing in sales.”
“Shit,” he breathes, green eyes widening slightly. “That’s bad.”
I nod, the heaviness pressing down on my shoulders. “I know.”
“So, what’re you going to do?”
I run a hand through my hair, the slight increase in anxiety pricking in my chest. “I have no fucking idea.”
Declan considers that as his eyes flick to the patrons around us, presumably observing whether or not they’re looking at him before turning his attention back to our conversation. “You’ll figure it out, Tan,” he says after a moment, his gaze finding somebody’s from across the bar. “You always do.”
I follow his line of sight, noticing another man at the end of the bar, attempting to make it not obvious that he’s staring at my friend. A scowl rests on his face, eyes zoned on Declan. To most, it would appear like he’s staring at nothing and listening intently to the woman next to him. But, when he chuckles in what appears to be unamusement and angles his head to say something under his breath before her gaze lifts to Declan as her own face twists in disgust, we can assume what’s going on. Anger immediately ripples through me, my fingers clenching around the glass in my hand at the staredown, but I don’t say anything.
I’ve learned through years of being friends with Declan what it means for him to be black and, more importantly, what black culture means for him. He’s checked my privilege multiple times and helped me grow as a white man in a society where things naturally come a lot easier for me. I’ve always known about the racial differences between us but never understood the gravity to the extent that I’ve learned from him, and it’s been both a privilege and honor that he feels safe enough with me—a white man—to share his experiences with.
“Is he going to be a problem?” I mutter, keeping my eyes focused on the man across the bar who continues to make not-so-subtle eye contact with us every so often. There’s a tightness to Declan’s jaw that wasn’t there before, but he shakes his head and breaks his stare to drop his head.
“Nah, I don’t think so. We’ll move to a booth when the others get here if it continues to be a problem. Fuck that guy.”
I nod wordlessly, giving my friend the space he needs to process whatever he’s working through in his head. After a moment he turns back to me, an easy smile on his face as if the guy suddenly became a distant thought.
“You okay?” I ask carefully, not wanting to bring up something that he may not want to talk about. He shrugs carelessly, although the tightness in his face hasn’t eased.
“I’m fine,” he dismisses. “What else is new, man?”
I shrug. “Same shit, different day. I’m still adjusting to being back home for good, you know? Everything still feels new.”
Declan nods once, finishing off his drink before quickly ordering another. “I hear that.”
“But what about you?” I ask. “How’s soccer? Are you still messing around with what’s her name?”
The easy-going grin reappears on my best friend’s face, a cheeky smile of sorts. “Azalia is just a friend.”
“Uh-huh.”
He laughs, shaking his head and resting his elbows against the counter. “You know me, man. I can’t commit to a woman worth shit. I don’t have time.”
“I feel like I’ve heard that a time or two.”
He shrugs again, the playful smile tugging on his mouth. “You know me,” he repeats, never one to fully disclose who he’s seeing or if they’re serious or not. Based on his reaction, though, they aren’t. Declan hasn’t seriously dated a girl since the early college years. It didn’t work because he learned that she was only with him to prove to her friends she wasn’t racist, which is problematic in itself. Declan closed his heart off after that and hasn’t seriously committed since. “But soccer is going well,” he says after a moment. “I’m thinking about coaching one of the rec teams.”
I’m about to respond when a hand touches my arm, pulling my focus to it.
“It’s an absolute crime that you two always are the first ones to show up anywhere we go,” a soft voice interrupts. Looking over my shoulder at my other best friend, Naomi’s hazel eyes find mine, beaming as I stand and pull her into me. Her boyfriend, Jason—or as we call him, Jase—stands behind her with his hands casually resting in his pockets with a warm smile, completely content with the gesture between my best friend and I. Like he’s completely unthreatened by another man hugging his girlfriend, and I respect the hell out of him for that.
He and Naomi haven’t been dating for long, but we all know they’ll end up married. It’s something about their security with one another, almost as if they’re the rock and wave the other needs. Even while she and Declan talk animatedly, laughing about an inside joke, he pulls up a chair on Declan’s side and plops down, ordering a drink as if he’s the most secure man in the world.
The idea of marriage always appealed to me, and despite the underlying burn over my failed engagement, I still have hope I’ll fall in love again someday. Yasmin and I just couldn’t get on the same page about anything. Ever. And while I loved her with everything in me, I knew it wouldn’t be fair to try compromising on everything for the rest of our lives. Of course, that’s a given in relationships—the compromise, give and take, but with her, it wasn’t like that.
I was the one giving and taking while she remained the same, and I normally never complained about it, but I started losing everything about myself to make her happy. Yasmin was insecure over my late nights in the office and solo trips home when she didn’t want to make the drive. If we weren’t together, I was constantly texting and updating her on how things were going, and she started to become a cinder block in my life—heavy, non-moving, difficult to be around. I wanted the space for independence, and her weight eventually became too much to bear. Although I told my friends and family the breakup was mutual, it entailed a lot of begging from her end while I packed my things.
I finish my drink off, a bitter taste forming against my tongue as I watch Naomi lean against Jase, his arm draped lazily around her hip. She smiles softly at something he says before finding my gaze, a sympathetic look flashing across her face. She, like Declan, knows everything about me and the struggles I endured. It was Naomi who called my bullshit out when I’d constantly have to cancel our monthly plans or group Facetimes while I was with Yasmin. Plus, Naomi never liked her. She never told me why, and I didn’t need to know. My best friend is as stubborn as a mule and when she’s set on something, her mind usually doesn’t change.
“You okay, Tan?” Declan nudges my shoulder gently, a similar expression as Naomi’s written across his face. Maybe someday I’d tell them the actual truth of my failed engagement but now isn’t the time.
I nod. “I’m good, man. I—“
The words pause in my throat, a flicker of curly brunette hair catching in my peripheral, my heart thumping in my chest harder. I’d know that curl pattern anywhere, and although I should turn away, pretend I have no idea who that is, I can’t.
Her open back showcases lean muscles, my eyes roaming the curve of her spine as she talks with her friends in a semi-circle. Declan follows my line of sight, a smirk forming against his mouth as he clasps my shoulder. “You gonna shoot your shot?”
I tear my gaze away, fingers curling around my glass before throwing the rest of the contents back. “No.”
His eyebrow raises, head rearing back slightly. “No?”
“No,” I repeat, setting the glass down. “I’m not looking for anything like that. She just looked familiar, is all.”
I don’t allow myself the luxury of thinking about the cute, caramel-skinned girl who works for me. It’s inappropriate to think about an employee like that in the first place, and even more than that, I don’t want to think of her like that. I can’t.
“Familiar in a good way or bad?” Declan asks, finally pulling his own gaze away to look at me. I roll my lips in between my teeth and bob my head slightly.
“I can’t decide yet.”
“Who’re we talking about?” Naomi asks, angling her head to look out into the small crowd, eyes narrowed.
“Nobody,” Declan and I say at the same time, exchanging a glance. Jase smirks but remains silent. Naomi rolls her eyes.
“I wish one of you had a girlfriend to keep me entertained. It’s hard being the only girl in a sea of men.”
“Oh, boo-hoo,” Delcan teasingly pouts, wrapping his arm around the back of her neck and rubbing his fist on her head. She playfully shoves him away. “You’re the only girl we need, anyway.”
I nod in agreement, my eyes flickering back to the girl on the other end of the bar. Jase’s smirk turns into a grin, and he watches me with a slight tilt of his head.
“We should dance,” he suggests casually, although I know what he’s doing. If we go onto the dancefloor, we’re closer to the girl I’m avoiding, and it gives me more of an opportunity to talk to her. My throat closes at the possibility that she’d be interested enough to hold a conversation with me, subtle anxiety rippling through me. My mouth opens in protest when Declan shoots up from his chair, dragging Naomi onto the floor. Jase slowly stands from his chair, his hands finding solace in his pockets again. I follow suit.
“I know what you’re doing,” I say casually, slowly striding over to Naomi and Declan.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jase responds in the same casualty, although a grin tugs at the corner of his mouth. “She’s a cute girl—saw her when she walked in. Might be nice to try putting yourself back out there.”
My throat nearly closes, and awareness spikes in my body.
“The least you could do is talk to her—get a feel for meeting somebody new,” he continues, our pace slow. “I may not know you in the same way Nay and Declan do, but I know enough.”
The way he says it isn’t cryptic or jealous, just a casual statement like we’ve been friends forever. Every time I hang with Jase and Naomi, I like him more and can see him being a lifelong friend. It’s nice hearing that from somebody else’s perspective, and a wave of appreciation flows through me, knowing that Naomi is with a guy like him.
“Appreciate it, man,” I say as we approach the others.
He nods once. “Just remember Tan,” he says. “It’s okay to still love somebody, but don’t let it ruin something else that could potentially become more. Even if nothing comes out of talking to that girl, it applies to anybody else, too.”
I take in what he’s saying, clapping his back once in appreciation as my eyes flick over to the girl. She throws a shot back with her friends, shuddering after setting the glass down on the bar. A smile threatens to pull against my mouth, but I continue walking forward.
While I’m not interested in talking to anybody or dating, I can’t help but think about the opportunities with other women I’ve missed out on because I’m too afraid to put my heart out there. I don’t have feelings for my ex still, but her cheating affected me in more ways than I’d realized.
Maybe eventually, I’ll be willing to start over with somebody new, but right now, that doesn’t seem likely. I’m not in the position to try being with another woman, nor am I looking for a relationship. My trust is limited after being betrayed by somebody I planned to spend the rest of my life with, and I didn’t think it was fair to try being with somebody else when I wasn’t in a place to give them all of me.
But still, I can’t help the urge to look at the girl again, even for a split second. She slowly turns to face her friends, saying something to them before I shift my focus back towards the crowd and begin dancing with my friends.