Chapter 32
It’s after midnight by the time I finally make it home from Daisy’s place. We were too wrapped up in one another, continually saying we needed to stop before things went too far, except we couldn’t. Couldn’t or wouldn’t. I guess it depends on how you look at it, but I know why I couldn’t— wouldn’t stop. It’s because once I pushed the boundary and kissed her earlier in Connecticut, I knew I wouldn’t be able to forget the way she tasted on my lips, that warm apple scent infiltrating every part of me until I tasted it forever.
My body sags when warm water sprouting from my shower hits my chest and my face, centering me back to reality. I left earlier when I first had her lips on mine and wasn’t sure I’d come back any time soon. Wasn’t sure I even wanted to.
I don’t take my time like I’d normally do, seeing as this shower was a way to ease the tension in my body instead of following my usual routine with products that’d make girls scream and other guys roll their eyes—Declan gave me shit the first time he saw my extensive body wash and exfoliation collection—but fuck those guys. Men should be allowed to take care of their bodies without judgment, and I’m not about to stop because some other guy feels uncomfortable using more than the 2-in-1 products.
After fully rinsing off, I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around myself, brush my teeth, lather my body with my manly scented lotion (it’s aloe and some campfire scent, apparently), and apply my nightly face and beard creams. I turn off the bathroom light and saunter down the hall into my bedroom and close the door behind me. Looking around, I find the gray sweats I often wear to bed draped alongside the edge of my bed, which is pressed against the center wall with an array of both alive and fake plants hanging from the walls and resting on either side of the bed. I never thought I’d enjoy being a plant dad, but turns out they’re the only things I can keep alive for a long period of time.
Deciding against wearing sweats to bed because I prefer sleeping in the nude, I drop my towel and nearly sink into my bed the moment I lay down, groaning softly against the fluffy material of my duvet.
Today was a good day, I think to myself as I roll onto my back, my gaze focused on the ceiling as one arm braces behind my head, a small smile on my mouth. They’ve been coming a lot easier nowadays—smiling, being happy. I’ve always been that way, but it’s often been a fa?ade, a way to mask how I’ve truly felt deep down. I have a lot to be thankful for—my friends, my family, and the stability of my job, but I don’t think there ever was a time when I felt truly content. At one point in my life, I believed that to be true—I was engaged to be married, had just bought a house so we could build a life together, but the longer I stayed in Connecticut, the more I realized how unhappy I was living the simple life. How suffocating the idea of living the picket fence lifestyle was. Getting married, having kids, and building a life with somebody all sounds great in hindsight, but looking back on the past year and a half makes me realize how miserable I would’ve truly felt.
But today, laughing with the pretty girl who makes me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt by simply giving me one of her smiles reminds me that life is worth living and that there’s somebody out there who truly sees me. I don’t know how I became the lucky son-of-a-bitch she’s slowly giving her heart to, but I will protect it until the very last day I am alive.
As I continue reflecting on the day, my mind trails back to the moments in her living room when she leaned her head against mine while we listened to music, our fingers intertwined as we talked about everything and nothing. And then, when her lips were on mine, branding themselves on my skin as her fingers grasped the back of my hair like a lifeline, all bets were off. My cock hardened to the point of pain when she started grinding on me, giving me her little whimpers in between breaths, and it took every ounce of willpower I had to not flip her over and worship her in the way she deserved. The silkiness of her skin in my hands, pressing herself closer as if she was restraining herself as much as I was, is enough to make my dick jolt against my stomach. Heart hammering in my chest, my hand grasps the base of my semi-hardened dick and tugs slowly, tentatively, as I fall into a deeper trance of thinking about my girl.
A groan falls from my lips as I imagine what she looks like sprawled out for me, her pussy glistening with arousal as she dips two fingers into her wet heat. I imagine those pretty brown eyes glossing over, the rise and fall of her chest fast as her free hand toys with pebbled nipples. Her eyes find mine, biting her bottom lip in pleasure as my name falls from her mouth.
“Fuck,” I groan, my eyes fluttering open and closed the harder I tug on my cock, pumping up and down methodically. My thumb swipes over the bead of pre-cum on the head, another moan erupting from the deepest part of my chest.
I bet her pussy tastes as sweet as her lips, like honeyed apples. I want my girl squirming, panting over me as I bite, suck, lick every inch of her, savoring her taste on my tongue. Gripping my hair the way she did earlier, maybe her fingernails dig crests into my shoulders. God, would she whimper if I toyed with her nipples, rolling them in between my fingers while my face was buried in her pussy?
I’d take my time with her and show her what it means to be loved by me. I’d savor every inch of that miraculous body, trailing kisses from that pretty cunt to her hip bones, sucking until I was a permanent brand on her. Teasing her until she was crying out for me to stuff her full. And fuck, I bet she’s tight. Warm and tight and made for me.
The base of my spine tingles, a shudder rippling through me as my stomach contracts. I hiss out a breath as my balls tighten, gripping harder and pumping faster with her name on my lips as warm cum shoots onto my hand and stomach. My eyes slam shut, roaring wind floods my ears as my head dizzies and limbs loosen entirely, the hand gripping my dick falling to rest against my thigh.
Breathing in and out, my eyes remain closed as my heart slows to a normal rate again. The thrumming in my ears subsides, and I slowly drift to sleep, dreaming about my girl.
“You’re glowing,” Declan says by way of greeting when he walks into my apartment Saturday afternoon. His smile is wide and all-knowing, or rather, all-assuming, as he throws himself beside me on the couch. I roll my eyes but don’t bother hiding my smile.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He grins, leaning back and angling his head at me, green eyes sparkling as he lightly smacks my chest. “You’re so full of shit, dude. It’s her, isn’t it? Daisy?”
I bite my lip to avoid the outright smile on my face, but Declan catches it and sits up, smacking my chest and arm repeatedly in excitement.
“Shut the fuck up?!” he exclaims, eyes wide and proud. “You took our advice and went for her?”
I chuckle, running my hand through my hair as I shrug, leaning forward to rest my elbows against my knees. “Can I plead the fifth?”
“Absolutely not,” Declan laughs, shaking his head. “Nah, you need to tell me all about it! All about her!”
I laugh, but I do. I tell him about the events after leaving the bar when I walked her home, our conversation about being friends, Mario Kart, the dinner date that should be a do-over now that I’m thinking about it, going to Connecticut, kissing her last night at her house. I explicitly kept out the more intimate details, but the smirk on his face told me that he knew there was a little more than kissing happening.
“Dude,” he exclaims, laying back on the couch with his hands folded across his stomach. “This is fucking great. Wild about Yasmin, though,” he frowns. “I didn’t realize she was as bad as Naomi said.”
I arch a brow, peering over at my friend. “What do you mean?”
Declan shrugs, ever so casual despite the sadness flickering across his face. “Nay didn’t like her from the jump,” he admits. “Thought something was off about Yasmin, but we wanted to support you. I didn’t think much about anything until you stopped coming back to visit.”
I tilt my head, a frown forming on my mouth. “So why didn’t you say anything? If you guys thought she wasn’t the right person for me, why let me be with her for years?”
Declan winces. “You were happy, man. We couldn’t express any concern without you jumping to the defensive about her, and we understood that. That was supposed to be your wife.” I grit my teeth, dropping my head to look at the floor. Guilt weighs me down the more I think about it. Looking back on it, there were times when Naomi and Declan tried talking to me separately about my relationship, asking if I was truly happy with her. I always said yes, felt like I had to because that was supposed to be my wife, but honestly, I was scared to admit that I wasn’t as happy as I could be.
Declan is right in saying I stopped coming home to visit. It was easier staying in Connecticut with Yasmin because it avoided prolonged, unnecessary fights. If I made plans with my friends, I’d often bail because Yasmin was convinced I was visiting home to cheat with women I didn’t know existed. At one point, she was convinced Naomi and I were secretly together, and despite my reassurance and laughter over the accusation, it never mattered to Yasmin. Once she was convinced of something, she rarely changed her mind.
I should’ve tried harder for my friends.
“We don’t fault you if that’s what you’re thinking about,” Declan says, leaning forward to mimic my position with his elbows resting on his knees. “You’d been with Yasmin for years, dude. We should’ve been outright about how we felt and our concerns, but we didn’t want to cause any problems.”
I nod, rolling my lips into my mouth in displeasure. “You wouldn’t have caused problems,” I mutter. “You would’ve solved a lot of them.” I peer over at him, the concern etched onto his forehead, slowly relaxing as he speaks again.
“Good thing we won’t have that problem with Daisy.”
My brows furrow at the unexpected mention of the girl I haven’t stopped thinking about lately. “What do you mean?”
“Dude,” he rolls his eyes playfully, resuming his position of lying back on the couch. “You are so far up her ass, it’s unreal. You’re literally glowing.”
“You make me sound pregnant,” I mutter, mimicking him by rolling my eyes. “She’s a cool girl, okay? We’re taking things slow for now.”
”A cool girl?“ he mocks. “What are you? A father?” Declan shakes his head in amusement. “You should invite her out tonight.”
I frown, but not because of the idea of inviting Daisy. It’s a great idea because it means I get to see her more than once this weekend. But I’m worried that if they don’t like her, they’ll remain quiet and let me go through the same thing I went through previously. I don’t think Daisy is like that because I know how special she is, but my friends’ opinions matter.
“I don’t know,” I mutter. “I saw her last night, and I can’t imagine her wanting to come out. Doesn’t seem like her scene.”
Declan stares at me for a long while before he starts laughing. I stare at him incredulously as he holds up a hand, signaling for one minute. I roll my eyes and lean back on the couch, waiting for him to get over his laughing fit.
“Don’t tell me,” he laughs in between breaths. “Are you, Tanner Anthony Moore, nervous about inviting this girl to the bar? The one you’ve been spending all of your time with?”
I fight the heat flooding my face and shake my head. “No, I’m not nervous,” I say defensively, although the idea of spending more time with her makes my stomach drop to my ass. “I just don’t want to overwhelm her. You guys can be a lot.”
“Uh-huh,” he chuckles, wiping his eyes. “I’ll let you believe that. But it’s the perfect opportunity for her to meet us and vice versa. We can decide then and there if we like her, and then it’s over with. Simple,” Declan decides. “You should call her up,” he nods to the phone resting on my coffee table. “The worst she’s gonna say is no.”
I hesitate. Daisy and I agreed to take things slow, but we didn’t specify what that looked like. Is it too early for her to meet my friends? Maybe, but Declan is right. Everybody can meet her and form their own opinions, regardless if I listen to them or not. I reach for my phone, sliding open the screen. I have an unread text message from her, and for a split second, I debate texting her rather than calling, but I think my anxiety wouldn’t be able to handle it.
“Just don’t tell her you guys are basically meeting her to give her the seal of approval,” I mutter. Declan waves me away. “We wouldn’t do that. You know us, Tan.”
I bob my head in contemplation. “Should I just call her? Or—“
“Just give me the damn phone—“
“Hey!”
Declan rips the phone from my grasp and shoots up from the couch, pressing the FaceTime button based on the loud, over the speaker ringing. I chase after him, trying to grab the phone but a muffled, “hello?” comes through. I halt my steps as Declan leans against the island opposite me, resting his chin on his hand.
“Morning, sleeping beauty!” he chirps, a dazzling smile on his face. “Time to wake up!”
From what I can see, Daisy blinks a few times, her eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “Uh…hi?”
“Morning!” Declan repeats, his smile outstretching across his entire face.
Daisy’s face doesn’t change. Her eyebrows furrow deeper as she rubs her eyes. “Why are you so loud?” she grumbles. “Where’s Tanner?” Declan’s eyes flick over the screen smugly, and I run my hand over my mouth to avoid laughing as I drop my chin to my chest. Pride flickers through me at her mention of asking where I’m at.
“Tanner’s away from the phone right now,” Declan says, attention back on the screen. “But he wants you to come out with us tonight. We’re going to The Lounge.”
Still waking up, Daisy stifles a yawn as she props herself up on her elbow. “The Lounge?” she says with sleep coating her tone. “Isn’t that place fancy?”
“Nah,” Declan shakes his head. “It’s an upscale dive bar.”
“Sounds fancy,” she says dryly.
“It kind of is,” Declan grins. “We’ll be there at nine. Does that work for you?”
“Nine?” she asks across the line. “That seems a little late for me to be socializing.”
Declan’s about to argue when I round the counter, popping into view. It takes a moment for Daisy to register me in the background, but when she does, her face softens. A small smile graces her lips, almost as if she was unable to keep it to herself even if she tried, and the thought makes my heart constrict.
I peer into her background and notice the blankets around her and the dimness of her bedroom. The side of her arm rests against her face, and her eyebrows bunch together, sleep coating her eyes.
“Daisy baby,” I say lowly. “Were you sleeping?”
I feel Declan shoot me a look, but Daisy groans and rolls on her back, adjusting to hold her phone in front of her. “Since you boys are so nosy,“ she mumbles, which causes Dec and me to look at each other smugly. “Yes, I was sleeping. But if you want me to come tonight, I will. You can text me the details. I’m going back to bed.”
“9 PM!” Declan shouts, and she waves him away. “Goodbye, loud boy,” she says, waving at the screen. “Bye, Tan, text me!”
She ends the call, Declan and I chuckling.
“I can’t wait to meet her again,” he says, handing me back my phone. “But Daisy, baby?” he teases, walking back into the living room.
I roll my eyes, heat warming my neck as I keep my gaze fixated on my phone. “Fuck off.”
He smirks, shaking his head. “Dude, you’re down so bad.”
I don’t correct him, but I’m surprised about the mixture of emotions coursing through me.
Things between Daisy and I have progressed at what feels like a natural pace. It only makes sense that my feelings too, are growing, because they are. I know it, and I’m pretty sure she does, too. Yet, the insecurities of allowing myself to fall for somebody who has the potential to hurt me in the same magnitude, but in a different way, creep their way into my thoughts.
It’s not that I don’t believe Daisy will fully come around in terms of her trust, but I can’t help wondering if she will truly let me in. Based on the things she disclosed to me while we were in Connecticut, I could understand on a different level how, and why, her trust was so limited with people. The two people that were supposed to be there for her failed her miserably. And, it seems everybody else in her life has done so in a similar capacity. As a result, giving herself to people is not something she’s used to and the idea that she could give me something nobody else has makes me excited and worried. Excited because it means that I get to be the one to protect her heart and show her what true love is. Worried because I don’t know if she will allow herself to get close.
And yet, her promise of trying floats around in my head despite my roaring concerns. The small smile she gave, the brightness of her eyes. Daisy is slowly opening up to me, and I firmly believe she will try. Not only for me, but for herself. But that concern rears its head and I can’t help but wonder how long this will last between us.
The back and forth makes my head dizzy. I blink away the thoughts, coming back to the present with Declan, who has seemingly been unbothered by my ability to get lost in my thoughts. He smiles reassuringly when I cast a glance at him, as if he knows where my thoughts went before smacking a hand gently on my back.
“Whiskey?” he offers, gesturing to the bottle in his hand. I hadn’t realized he grabbed it, but I nod, anyway. Maybe this will erase the conflicting feelings I have over the girl I’m unable to stop thinking about.
Declan hands me a glass with two fingers of alcohol in it. Nodding my thanks, I throw it back in one gulp before gesturing for him to re-fill it.
“Thanks,” I mutter. He nods.
“You wanna talk about it?” he asks, resting his forearms on the island next to me. My lips thin and I shake my head.
“Not really,” I admit. “Just working some things out in my head.”
He nods again, seemingly understanding. “Yeah,” he drawls with a wistful look on his face. “I know how that goes.”
I cast a glance to my friend, eyes narrowing as I watch him. Although he doesn’t elaborate, I can’t help but notice the worry lines etched into his forehead and the distant look on his face. It reminds me of how Daisy looked the other night at her apartment.
“Are you alright?“ I ask softly, focus turned on my drink.
Declan gives a weak smile, schooling his features into neutrality. “Yeah, man. Always.”
I frown, knowing that something is bothering Declan, but not wanting to push it. I’ve been friends with him long enough to know that when he gets into this quiet, introspective moods, it’s because something came up that he’s working through. He’ll tell me when, and if he’s ready, but I can’t help but notice the shift occurred after bringing up my feelings for Daisy.
It makes me wonder if somebody important is in Dec’s life, too.
He pours himself a drink and takes a sip, rolling his lips into his mouth. “How do you know somebody is ‘the one?’” he asks. My head whips to him, and although the smile instantly appears, he shakes his head. “It’s not about me,” he says. “I’m just…curious.”
My gaze doesn’t pull from the side of his head, curious about how cryptic he’s being. “This about Azalia?”
Declan scoffs, shaking his head. “Nah. Her and I are done. I guess…” he pauses, drops his head to his chest before lifting it again, frustrated. “Forget it.”
I don’t budge. “Is there…someone else?” I ask in the same gentle tone.
“Absolutely not,” Declan says sharply. His range of emotions is conflicting, and also tells me that there is, in fact, somebody else. And, whoever it is, is seemingly bothering him enough to ask about it indirectly.
“It’s okay if there is,” I say causally.
“There’s not,” he grits out. “At least—“ he shakes his head after a moment. “Yeah, no, there’s nobody else.”
I hum. “I’m not entirely sure I know how to answer your question, seeing how my situation is complicated” I say truthfully. “But, as corny as it sounds, when you know, you know.”
His eyes shutter. “Did you think Yasmin was the one?”
I frown, the taste of ash forming in my mouth at the reminder of my ex. “I thought she was at one point, but no. And honestly? I’m glad she wasn’t.“Declan looks at me curiously. “Why?”
“Well,” I say after a moment, rolling the glass of amber around loosely in my hand. “My life would be significantly different. I don’t think I’d hate it, but I’d grow to resent it. When I was with Yasmin, I already started,” I admit. “If we would’ve stayed together and followed through on getting married, I don’t imagine things would’ve gotten better. But with Daisy—“
I catch myself before I can continue. With Daisy, things are significantly different, that I know. We’re still in the beginning stages of trying to figure out how we can fit into the other’s life, and yet somehow, despite my conflicting thoughts, she does fit.
“It’s easy,” Declan says, filling in the blank.
“It’s complicated,” I challenge, not wanting to delve too much into the pieces of Daisy’s heart that she’s willing shared with me in times of vulnerability. “It’s complicated in the way that we both have shit we need to work through, but easy in the sense that neither of us has to hide that. Even if things didn’t work out for whatever reason,” I frown at the thought. “I know that we both would’ve given our best effort.”
Declan nods, considering this for a long while. “And what do you do if it doesn’t work?”
I blow out a breath, running a hand over my mouth. The idea of Daisy not being in my life fills me with a sense of dread I’m unfamiliar with. I don’t allow the thoughts to drift there, instead taking another sip of whiskey.
“Then I try moving on.”
The conversation dies after that, both of us seemingly lost in our thoughts yet again. I’m curious why Declan asked such personal questions, because it’s not usually like him. Especially when it comes to relationships and emotions. It’s never been his style because he claims he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. But still, he forgets I know him almost as well as I know myself.
Somebody weaseled their way into his life, and it’s making him feel off balance. I know the feeling well—almost too well—and can’t help feel curious who she is. I also can’t help but wonder if this is how Daisy feels; allowing somebody to step foot into her perfectly curated life she’s built for herself.
I blink away the thoughts, not wanting to dive into the what if’s about our situation. Daisy agreed to try, and that’s all I can ask for. The expectation is laid out, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll do exactly what I told Declan: try moving on. The key word is ‘try,’ because I don’t believe that after knowing Daisy and seeing the sides of her most don’t get the luxury of, it’d be possible.
The thought of losing her fills me with unexpected fear, and as I try pushing the thoughts away, one is clearer than the rest.
I don’t want to lose her. And I can’t help but feel as if I will.