Chapter 48
We’re projected to start getting winter storms now that it’s January, and rumor has it there’s a blizzard this weekend, although the snow falling from the skies right now seems blizzard-worthy. I’m thankful we have a parking garage at Moore Enterprises because I’m not in the mood to shovel off my car. It’s the last thing I want to do before heading home to sit miserably inside and listen to the same records or read a new book, which I’ve been going through a lot lately. I’ve realized lately just how boring I am when I’m not hanging out with my friends or sister, and I have considered volunteering some of my time in the community teaching ‘how to’ investment classes or something. It would, at the very least, kill some of my idle time.
Pushing away from my desk, I rise from my chair and pull my jacket over my shoulders, grab my backpack, and turn down all the computers. I’m exhausted from the day, but even more so knowing I had to see Daisy. It was like a shock to the system, my body jolting with a need I hadn’t felt since those months ago. After I saw her, I was unable to get her out of my head. Couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. I forced myself to walk around on the other floors, ran up and down the stairs numerous times, even left the building to grab a coffee, and still. I couldn’t let her go.
I turn off the lights in my office, close the door quietly behind me, and pull my personal phone from my pocket. I made plans to hang with Declan tonight, but I’m thinking of canceling because nothing sounds better than taking a hot shower and going to sleep early. I’ve been sleeping like shit the past few weeks, and if we’re being honest, months, and I’m tired for once. I feel the exhaustion pouring through every part of my body, ready to knock me down. Maybe it’s because I saw her for the first time and knew she was okay, or maybe it’s because I think I’ve finally accepted that we weren’t meant to be.
For what it’s worth, I know I could text her and apologize. Or call her—do anything rather than sit and mope around being miserable, but Daisy deserves more than that. I deserve more than that, and it was clear that we couldn’t get over our problems long enough to be together. I deserve somebody who will communicate and not shut down when things get hard. She deserves somebody who will fight for her in all the ways I didn’t on that one particular day. She doesn’t deserve somebody who tells her they love her and leaves the next day.
We deserve so much more than what we gave each other.
The elevators come into clear view, slowly closing as I hurriedly jog over, not wanting to wait the agonizing few minutes it takes for them to bring people all the way down and back up, so I stick my hand out at the same time somebody does from the inside, a startled, “oh” echoing as the doors push back open.
My heart hammers in my chest, and my knees threaten to give out when Daisy’s eyes find mine, wide.
For a second, it feels like time stops. I know it does because all outside noise is blocked out with the exception of her ragged breaths and mine. Neither of us makes a move except for her little jump as the elevator tries closing on her. I instinctively jerk forward, but halt in place, realizing I don’t have the luxury of caring for her in the near proximity anymore.
I clear my throat. “Sorry,” I say, nodding towards the stairs at the far end of the hall. “I can take the stairs or wait for the next one.”
She doesn’t say anything for a while, just stares at me as if she’s trying to take in everything that’s changed about me, although nothing has. Other than feeling like shit now that she’s no longer in my life, nothing is special about me.
“It’s fine,” she says, taking a step back to let me enter. I stare at her, trying to assess whether it truly doesn’t bother her, but I step forward and face forward, trying not to lose my shit that she’s here, next to me.
The close proximity is enough to make my stomach flip in every direction, and my fingers itch to reach for her. Her perfume wafts in the air around us, dizzying me.
“Are you…going to hit that?” she asks, and when I look over to her, she nods her head towards the buttons.
My neck and face flush hot, but I step forward and hit the button for floor one before retreating back to the space. The silence in the air is palpable and awkward, thick with words left unsaid, and every so often, I glance sideways to see her fixated on the space ahead, shifting every so often on her feet. She doesn’t make any outward sudden movements, but from the corner of my eye, I notice the slightest shift in her demeanor, her eyebrows pulling inward slightly, the fidgeting of her fingers on one hand, gnawing on her bottom lip.
It’s killing me not to reach for her, pull her in my arms, kiss the strawberry flavor from her lips, taste the sweetness that is simply her. I forget the phone in my hand as I shove it into my pocket, about to say something—anything—when the elevator door opens, and she steps out without so much as a glance.
I like to think I’m an even-tempered man, for the most part, but something about the total dismissal of me, of us, makes the blood boil hot in the base of my stomach. I follow after her through the dimly lit main level, nodding to a few security guards in passing before honing in on my focus on her.
She shoves the front door open before stepping out into frigid air, her pace quickening as I gain traction. We barely make it three feet outside before my hand wraps around her elbow, the contact burning my palm as I spin her around.
“What?” she hisses instantly, brown eyes a stark contrast against the snow falling from the sky. Her caramel skin pops out, a richness so warm I want to wrap myself in her. “What do you want?” she adds, attempting to pull her arm away. I only tighten my grip, not ready to lose her again so soon. I barely had her before, and I’m not ready now. But I’m already angry over her straight refusal to look at me and even more angry that she can’t give me a simple chance to explain from my point of view.
“Can we talk?”
She stops trying to pull away, warily watching me. Her face is flat, but her eyes give her curiosity away; they’ve always been expressive even when she thinks they aren’t. Her nostrils flare, and her body shivers from the cold presumably, but I don’t let her go.
“None of this was supposed to happen this way, Daisy,” I say, dropping my gaze to look into her eyes. She blinks back unshed tears, but pulls her lips into a thin line as she glances away.
“Is that all?” she asks. For a brief moment, I’m stunned that she’s being dismissive when I’m trying to open a door for conversation, but then I remember that this is what she does. She shuts down and pushes people away when things get too complicated. It’s yet another reminder why we wouldn’t work out.
Defeated, I drop my hand from her arm and take a step back as she does the same. It’s been three months of not having her in my life, and I realize that while things weren’t great between us as a couple, we were great as friends. And although I’m still angry with her, I still want her in my life.
“Can we at least be friends?” I offer weakly. It sounds childish, asking to be friends with somebody who didn’t work out platonically, but Daisy is important to me.
She blinks. And then blinks again, as if she didn’t hear me properly. “Friends?” she asks. “You want to be friends after that?”
I rub the back of my neck, nervously. “Yeah?”
A flicker of annoyance passes her face before she shakes her head. “We can’t be friends, Tanner. You and I both know that.”
“Why not?”
“Why not…?” she repeats, making a face. “Because we couldn’t get a relationship right. Why would we try…?” She shakes her head, as if she’s unable to get the words out.
“And besides,” she laughs dryly, the pain lacing through her words. “You may not have felt like I was trying, or that I cared, but I did. I do. It may have been harder for me to express my wants and needs, but I would never have used you the way you did me.”
It’s a cheap shot. One that I don’t have much time to think over before my own anger and guilt ripple through me. “Used you? You think I used you because I slept with you?“ I shake my head in disbelief, narrowing my gaze back on her. “I may be a piece of shit for leaving, but I would never take advantage of you like that.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, and I can tell the moment she says it, she regrets it. I only scoff, glancing away, the anger so palpable in my body I want to scream or punch something. Talking to her right now, when everything is still so fresh and raw, was the worst thing I could have possibly done.
“You know what,” I say lowly, the irritation lacing in my own words. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe you and I will never work, but I would never take advantage of you, Daisy, and if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you believe that bullshit, then—“ I chuckle dryly, shaking my head. “Then you clearly do not know me at all.”
Her eyes widen around the corners before narrowing, her pretty plump lips parted, gaze volleying between mine. She doesn’t say anything, and honestly, I don’t need her to. She made it clear what we are and what we were to her, so why the hell does it matter anyway? We will never be more than strangers, and as shitty as that feels…as painful as that truth is, I have to accept it. I don’t want to, but for her, I will.
“I hope you have a nice night, Daisy,” I say. “And even more than that, I hope you find the person you truly deserve to be with because it’s clear that it isn’t me.”
Her brows furrow together, but I turn on my heel before she has a chance to respond. I want to get out of here, call Declan, and explain why I can’t come over, and go home. I need to be alone. Think about what to do now that we’re officially over.
“Tanner?” she asks, so timidly that I instantly turn, ready to run to her. The reaction is jolting.
She stands in the same spot, so fucking beautiful against the winter winds that my heart thumps violently, my body yearning for hers.
“Did you mean it?”
I don’t have to ask for clarification, because I know what she’s asking.
“Of course I did,” I say. “You’re not somebody easy to fall out of love with, Daisy.”
Her mouth parts, but I give a dip of my head before walking towards the side entrance towards my car.