14
By the time my double was over, my feet were throbbing and my patience was gone.
But what was bothering me more than either of those things was the lack of any missed calls or text messages from Kilo.
Not only had I texted his ass before my shift, I'd called him on my lunch break as well.
I wasn't the type to double text a nigga, so repeatedly reaching out to him was rubbing me the wrong way.
I had never been one to chase behind a man, but this really wasn't like him.
We talked every day, multiple times a day, even if it was just him complaining about something simple like Wendy's getting his order wrong.
So a whole day of silence had my stomach in knots.
Sitting in my car in the parking garage, I called him one more time and listened to it ring.
"You've reached—" I hung up before the voicemail could finish and scrolled to Khi's name. He answered on the third ring.
"What's wrong?" he said. No hello, no how are you. Straight to it like always.
"Why does something have to be wrong?" I asked.
"Because you calling me and not your sister. So, it's either something's wrong, or you want something. Which one is it?" he said.
"Well I have been eyeing this new Chanel purse," I said laughing.
"If I thought yo ass was serious, I'd buy the purse for you in every color. Now try again and make it quick your sister stuck me on diaper duty while she takes a bath," he said. I was so proud of how effortlessly he was embracing fatherhood.
"Have you talked to Kilo today?" I asked.
"Why what's up?" he said as I heard Royalty in the background crying.
"Hey now hush that up, I'm bout to give you your bottle soon as I get you changed," I heard him telling my niece. I found it funny how his ass wasn't used to being bossed around or told what to do. But was gone have to get used to it because Royalty was gone run circles around his ass.
"I'm just asking if you talked to him? Do you have him like out handling something for you?" I asked.
"You know not to ask me no shit like that over the phone," he said.
"Khaizon I'm serious," I said.
"Listen I told yo ass when you started fuckin' with him that since yo ass wanted to be grown I was gone let you have it.
I don't know what's going on but I'm not that nigga's keeper.
I did talk to him earlier and he was wrapping some shit up before heading home," he said.
I felt some of the tension leave my shoulders hearing this because I had begun to fear the worst.
But, then I went from feeling relieved to mad as fuck because if Kilo had talked to Khaizon earlier, that meant he was alive, breathing, and answering calls. Just not mine.
"Ok, that's all I wanted," I said hanging up not giving him a chance to say anything more.
Kilo really had me fucked up and it's obvious that he wants to see me show my whole entire ass.
Although I pride myself on usually being a calm cool and collected person, people often forget that I can get on that stupid shit when need be.
It's not even about the fact that he didn't text or call me back all day because we haven't officially said we were together.
It's more so the principle of the matter.
Like how dare this nigga ghost me out of the blue without warning like I was some type of goody ass broad.
Suddenly I went from feeling exhausted to rejuvenated as I put my car in reverse, pulled out the parking lot and headed towards his house.
Usually when I leave work and drive to Kilo's house, it takes me anywhere from forty five minutes to an hour to make it to his place. However, tonight I felt like I had turned that trip into twenty minutes tops with how fast I made it to his house.
His car was in the driveway and not the garage like it normally is as I pulled into his driveway.
Walking up to the door, I rang the doorbell twice before knocking extra hard on his door like the police.
As I heard the locks turning, I prepared myself to go off on his ass the second he opened the door.
As soon as the door started to open, I instantly started talking,
"Really Kilo, nigga you," I was saying until the door fully opened revealing a woman standing there and not Kilo. Who the fuck was this bitch?
RING! RING!
My phone started ringing at the same time as my
baby woke up crying.
"What the fuckkkk," I screamed out in frustration as I opened my eyes.
I had just gotten Royalty to sleep not even ten minutes ago so I could kick my own ass for not having my phone on do not disturb.
I didn't want to admit to myself that I couldn't take care of my own baby by myself.
Khaizon had hired a full staff to help us from a nanny down to a woman whose sole job was to wash and sterilize Royalty's bottles.
However, between Maria the nanny, Ms. Gwen, Khaizon and Lyric I felt like I wasn't doing my part as a mother.
So, I'd given Maria the day off and since Khaizon had left to take care of business, it was just me and Royalty.
I didn't realize how hard it was dealing with her solo, which had my emotions all over the place.
Hell, both of our asses was crying earlier, until she'd finally dozed off.
What does that say about me as a mother that I couldn't be left alone for one day with my baby without being overwhelmed?
My ringing phone snapped me out of my thoughts as I quickly grabbed it and answered it at the same time as I sat up and grabbed Royalty.
"Hello?" I said patting her on the back to quiet her down. I didn't hear anything but loud breathing and silence on the other end.
"Hello!" I repeated with an attitude before the line went dead.
"Bitches," I said as I sat my phone beside me. As soon as I sat it down, it started ringing again.
"Look I'm not in the fuckin' mood, stop calling my fuckin' phone," I yelled.
"Girl what the hell you talking bout?" My daddy said.
"Oh my bad daddy somebody just called and ain't say nothing," I said.
"Hmm that sounds like some shit I need to look into for you. I'll have your phone records pulled and—" he was saying until I stopped him.
"Daddy, daddy it was prolly somebody who had the wrong number," I said feeling drained and not in the mood for his craziness. It was bad enough I had to deal with Khaizon's bullshit.
"I'm just saying it's worth looking into. It's probably that punk ass muthafucka who I already owe a few bullets to. Don't think I forgot about his ass either cuz I haven't," he said.
"Daddy please do not start. How is pulling phone records gone help? Whoever playing on my phone prolly using one of them fake number apps," I said.
"That's even easier to trace. You think a app gone stop me from finding somebody? Baby girl I was finding niggas before caller ID was even invented," he said.
"Ok Inspector Gadget," I said laughing.
"Laugh all you want. But naw, I was really calling to check on my princess, how is Paw Paw baby doing?" he said.
"Dang what about me?" I said.
"Oh yeah how you doing as well baby girl?" He said laughing.
"That's crazy how everyone always calling me just to check on Royalty! It's like yall threw me away," I said jokingly.
"I could never throw you away, you my baby girl and I love you. But now I got my first grand baby and I'm a damn Paw Paw now and that's a good feeling. Shit it's some niggas my age never even made it out the game let alone lived to see grandkids," he said.
"Aww daddy, I love you," I said. I think it was one of the first times I've ever said that and I truly meant it. I know I couldn't go back in time and change how I acted towards him when he'd tried to get to know me. The past is the past for a reason, so I was embracing the path that we were on.
"I love you too baby," he said but I could hear the emotions in his voice.
"I'm wrapping up work then ima come see both my girls," he said.
"I'd like that, well long as you leave your wife at home. I'm stressed enough dealing with Royalty by myself today, I don't need that bad energy upsetting my mood even more," I said.
"I won't bring her, but I will say she's bought a lot of gifts for the baby and even had her a custom made stroller. I think the idea of becoming a grandma was just as exciting for her as well," he said as I rolled my eyes.
I didn't trust that hoe as far as I could throw her.
And, although I didn't know her that well, I knew she didn't do shit out of the kindness of her heart.
That old bitch was up to something, prolly tryna get back in my daddy good graces.
Whatever was going on, I be damn if she used my baby as a pawn in her sick game.
Now that I had dropped my baby, I would drop kick that old bitch if she tried me again.
"Thank you. I'm just having a hard enough time as it is. I know it's too early to be complaining, and I'm not really complaining, but motherhood is hard work and I'm worried that I'm already failing at it," I said choking back a sob.
"Listen to me. Jugg sent me that video of the birth and I done watched it damn near fifty times. I watched you bring my grandbaby into this world like a soldier. There is no such thing as a perfect mother or perfect parent, trust me I know. It's not a damn handbook that you can follow,
and you won't always get it right. But the fact that you are already worried about getting it wrong proves that you gone be a damn good mother Journi. Don't let nobody tell you different, including yo own damn self," he said.
"Thank you daddy I really needed to hear that," I said wiping my face.
"Anytime princess. I'll be by later on, kiss my grandbaby for me," he said before hanging up.
After I finally got Royalty back to sleep, I got up and put her in her bassinet, and made sure the baby monitor was on.
Then, I took a quick shower before brushing my teeth and washing my face.
I figured I could continue laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, or I could get up, and be productive.
That talk I had with my daddy really had me feeling rejuvenated like I was ready to take on the world.
Making sure Royalty was still knocked out, I threw on some clothes, grabbed my phone and the baby monitor before leaving out heading downstairs.
I was feeling drained and like a failure because I was allowing myself to, not because it was true.