Chapter 9 #2
The ride in Jacob’s truck is relatively short, and we both say little, though I do text Callum a thanks, to which he sends a heart reaction in reply.
Jacob taps the steering wheel to the radio, and my leg bounces erratically as I try my best to concentrate on the scene outside of the window as to not freak out completely.
The greenery of the village soon turns to row upon row of buildings as the college comes into view.
A litany of monochrome structures are surrounded by benches, each one occupied by students as they filter in and out.
It looks like any other college – you could pick me up and dump me anywhere in the country and I’d be none the wiser from this clue alone, and something about that comforts me.
I can pretend just a moment longer that I haven’t left London.
‘So, what’s your first class?’ Jacob asks as we pull into the car park and he slots his truck into an empty space.
‘Erm … ’ I rifle through my emails to look for my timetable. ‘Photography.’
A smile stretches on his face once again. ‘Well you’re in good company. Let’s go. We’re already late.’
We hurry out of the car and he pulls me gently by the sleeve of my jumper.
With no time to take it all in, I hurry behind him through corridor after corridor until we reach a door.
From the outside, it looks just like all of the rest, but as soon as he pushes it open, I notice the whole space is filled floor to ceiling in photos, all of varying styles and colours, and I have no idea which one to focus on first.
‘Nice of you to join us, Thorogood,’ the teacher says before I can let my attention explore. ‘And you must be Ava Matthews?’ I nod without a word and follow Jacob to two spare seats closer to the front of the classroom.
‘Sorry we’re late,’ Jacob apologises for the both of us, keeping his eyes low on the floor.
‘Matthews, I’ll let you off since it’s your first day. But Thorogood, you can stay after class and help me reset the dark room.’ Jacob nods wordlessly, as though he knew this was coming. I bite my tongue. I’m not brave enough to own up to the fact that he’s late because of me.
Jacob taps his fingers on his desk in a structured rhythm that I know only too well.
He taps the same at family dinners, or when meeting new people.
He tapped just like that at Granny’s funeral.
He’s anxious. I wonder if he’d have skipped his lessons completely had he not been trying to force me to come.
Or is it the thought of his impending punishment, which is all my fault, that causes him to be so on edge?
Just like I did at Granny’s funeral, I press the side of my own hand against his, and he freezes at the contact, ceasing his beat, and releasing a breath. He’s a liar, I realise. He still can’t stand school. But he’s here because of me, I’m sure of it. Maybe he needed some bravery to come here too.
The rest of the class passes peacefully, though I have no idea of a single word the teacher has said.
She spends the hour going through various camera settings and I have to lean over Jacob’s shoulder to look at them in practise as my high-spec camera is just my phone.
The tutor finishes her lecture with the promise of actually getting to use our cameras next lesson, and I can’t say I actually hated it as much as I thought I would – but I’m not admitting that to anyone else.
‘What do you have next?’ he asks me at the end of class.
I check my email again. ‘English. In the Ingram block? Whatever that is?’
‘Do you know where you’re going?’ I shake my head, and Jacob fusses a little, almost as if he’s panicking for me before he starts giving me detailed directions. I nod, but clearly my face tells the actual truth. ‘Hang on.’ He pulls out his phone and taps away at it quickly.
‘It’s weird seeing you with a phone,’ I comment. ‘It’s like seeing a donkey make a cup of tea. It’s just not right.’
‘I know, I don’t use it much. It’s mostly your grandad that calls me these days.’ He shakes his head. ‘I’d go completely off grid if I could, but I think Mum would kill me if she couldn’t contact me at all hours of the day.’ He smiles.
‘Thank you for today, Wolfie.’ I’m sincere, and the nickname feels like testing the waters for any sign of our previous life.
My heart throbs almost painfully in my chest, but at least now I know that Wolfie is still in there, deep down.
Maybe he is still the same boy who has hidden from the world in the woods with me whenever things get tough.
Even though we’re far from the foliage now, I still feel a little of what I did back then.
He doesn’t seem to acknowledge what I’ve just said, though. Instead, he turns away to greet someone.
‘Ah, here she is.’ He grins towards the door as a tall girl strolls in, a leather jacket slung over her shoulders in a casually cool sort of way, making sure everyone knows she wouldn’t be out of place on a motorbike.
Pen leans into him, and he pulls her closer, kissing her softly.
I’m suddenly very aware that I got dressed in a hurry this morning as a wave of nausea ripples through me.
‘Hi Ava!’ Pen says with her ever-stunning smile. Jacob’s arm stays wrapped around her shoulder and they look the picture of a power couple. ‘Jake told me you have English this morning too?’ She takes my hand, genuine happiness ornamenting her features.
‘Pen is in the same class,’ Jacob explains. ‘I thought she could help show you the way.’
‘That’s so kind of you,’ I say to Pen, trying to hold back the stinging in my eyes and the burning in my belly.
I knew they were together, I knew it very well, but seeing them stand here before me, looking so happy, so perfect, renews my jealousy once more.
Perhaps I had just pictured them as good friends, just two people who hang out as a pair every now and again, but here they are, a fully fledged couple, embracing and smiling like fools.
‘You okay?’ Jacob asks, concerned. Only he has noticed the crack in my voice. Pen’s face stays stuck in her beautiful, genuine smile, but it’s making me feel sick.
I nod, burying my feelings. ‘Just worrying that my Shakespeare isn’t as good as it used to be.’ I laugh, but it’s uncomfortable. Jacob notices it too, because he still looks at me with a furrowed brow and an unconvinced expression.
‘Don’t you worry one bit.’ Pen slides out of Jacob’s hold and hooks her arm through mine. ‘I can get you up to speed. We can meet up back at Hope Farm. I can give you some of my notes if you’d like? And I’ll introduce you to some of our classmates – I promise, it’ll be fine!’
‘You’re too kind,’ I say.
She kisses Jacob once more before we walk away together, arm in arm.
That’s exactly the problem, I realise: she’s too kind.
Pen is perfect. In every possible way. You only need to meet her for five minutes to know.
Maybe I could make myself feel better if I knew that Jacob had chosen someone that wasn’t good enough for him, or his family hated her, or that she was awful and I’d be doing everyone a favour wanting him for myself.
But she’s not. Pen takes me to class, talks to me happily, and introduces me to our classmates just like she said she would.
She even sends me all her notes on Twelfth Night along with a YouTube link she thinks I’ll find funny. She is nothing but sweet and welcoming.
There is no wonder Jacob doesn’t want me, when the woman he’s with is created by the bloody heavens.
I hate college.