Chapter Fourteen
Even on a clear night in New York City, you can’t see the stars.
The buildings are too bright and blinding, lit up like Christmas trees no matter the hour of the night.
Fluorescence drowns out the Milky Way, overshadows the constellations that I know hang above.
Then there’s the air pollution, a general fog of man-made mist. The air feels heavier here, nothing like the uplifting breeze that wafts in from the Mystic River.
Back home, inhaling feels like taking a dip in the Atlantic Ocean right after sunrise—crisp and refreshing.
A constant state of renewal.
The view from Angel’s roof, however, is breathtaking.
To the west, I can see the tip of the Freedom Tower, lit up in holiday colors.
Bridges connecting Brooklyn to Lower Manhattan arch over the East River.
Fort Greene park, stretching over several city blocks, the trees barren and the grass yellowed.
New York feels almost peaceful from above.
Organized chaos. I could manage a city like this if I were to lurk above it, like Merriah when she first arrives in Atlantia.
Floating in an air bubble above everything.
I hear footsteps behind me.
Without turning around, I already know who it is.
Who decided to follow me after I escaped upstairs after dinner.
“Your friends are nice,” Nico says.
He joins me, our hands inches apart on the railing as we look out at the city.
“They understand me,” I tell him. “Angel, Roy, Kalli…we fell in love with each other when we were just pixels on a screen. They interact with my work. We theorize together. I share pieces of myself with them, details of my life that I could never trust anyone else with. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes I swear they know how my brain works better than I do. But for some odd reason, I was still…I don’t know.
Nervous to meet them in person? I was so worried I’d disappoint them somehow.
Or that they’d disappoint me. And I couldn’t stand to lose them.
Not after what happened with Sam. Not after… ”
The way I lost you, is what I don’t say.
“So I guess I just clung to this romanticized idea of them rather than take a chance on the reality.” I bite back a laugh. “Turns out they’re even better in person. What a waste, huh?”
“They’re your Upper Shoal,” Nico says, his voice sheepish.
My response is a single raised brow.
“I’ve been reading. A Tale of Salt Water and Secrets, I mean. There are no apocalypses or zombies or anything in it, but it’s not half bad. You might be onto something.”
My belly does a cartwheel.
“Wow, what a compliment. Not half bad.”
“Okay, fine. It’s good. Really good. Great, even. I just got to that part where Merriah wields the trident from the treasure trove. The way she boils those dudes alive and they totally explode? It was fucking badass.”
I can’t help myself. “Even though it’s a stupid romance?”
Nico’s posture stiffens. When he moves to face me, his expression is solemn.
“I never should have said those things to you, Joonie,” he says.
“First of all, you were right. ATOSAS has much more to offer than people give it credit for. Than I gave it credit for. Yeah, the tension between those two is hot, don’t get me wrong, but that’s not all.
I get it now. It’s really a book about healing.
About Merriah learning to trust herself, to master her power and understand her own strength.
Her relationship with Ryke is obviously an important part of that, and I shouldn’t have been so quick to dismiss it.
I can see how much her story has impacted you. In more ways than one.”
I pretend to be distracted by a passing plane. “Because I proved I how to escape from restraints and steal a car?”
Nico’s eyebrows knit together. “Because when shit hit the fan and I fucked everything up and began to panic, you remained calm. You held me together and got us out of a bad situation. Your strength amazes me, but so does your softness. Because you and your friends sat at that table and made meaning out of that crazy vision from the fortune teller. Because you trust them even though you’ve never met in person before.
And because you keep yourself open to the idea of falling in love no matter how many times people disappoint you.
And how often cynics like me try to convince you that love doesn’t exist.”
My hands grow clammy. I turn to face the other direction, my back to Nico.
I don’t want him to see what his words have done to me.
How much they mean.
“Why did you say that thing before?” I ask the night sky. “About protecting me?”
Nico is quiet for a moment.
“What do you remember about that night?” he finally asks.
“Everything. For years, it’s played on a loop in my mind.
After Sam stopped talking to me, I sank into a dark place.
I barely left the house. Maman and Baba were so worried.
I thought they’d bribed you, at first, when you asked me to be your date to the formal.
That it was a pity invite. I mean, I knew you didn’t think of it as a real date.
But I liked you so much that a part of me didn’t care.
You knew that. I think everyone in town knew that. ”
“I liked you,” he says quietly.
“Right, as your best friend’s little sister.
Not a potential love interest. But you said, It’s a date.
I remember because I had only ever read those words in books before, had never heard them spoken out loud.
Not in person. I told everyone. Maman took me to Rochelle’s to pick out a halter dress.
She helped me tame my curls and let me wear red lipstick for the first time, and you know what?
I felt pretty. Then I sat on the front steps at five forty-five, waiting for you—fifteen minutes early because I was that excited.
I felt like I was on the precipice of something big, like my whole life was about to change.
Then six rolled around. Six fifteen. Seven. ”
Nico looks aghast. “Joonie. I had no idea you did all that.”
I gulp, hating reliving this as much I hated experiencing it the first time.
“Eventually, Tey convinced me to let him take me. He told me you were going through a hard time and to cut you some slack. He didn’t have a date, wasn’t planning on going. And my parents had already spent money they didn’t have on that dress just to get me out of my room. So.”
“So,” he says. “You went.”
“I went. And do you know what I saw when I got there?”
He stares at the skyline like he can’t bear to meet my eyes. “Me.”
“You,” I repeat. “You, in the center of the dance floor. You, sloppily making out with girls left and right. You, grinding up on anything with a pulse. You were dancing with Sam, Nico. Sam! After everything she did to me. After you went to her parents and told them she was a bigot. She laughed at me, Nico! She saw my face fall and she laughed. Made fun of me for being there with my brother.”
Nico doesn’t say anything. He just shakes his head in disbelief.
“But it’s what you said when I confronted you that really haunts me. Did you think this was a real date? That’s delusional. You’re just a kid.”
“Joonie.”
“No, wait, here’s my favorite part: You’re living in a fantasy. It’s pathetic, Joon.”
He lets out a small yelp.
“Like I was so silly to believe that you cared. Not only did you try to kill my faith in happily ever afters, you made fun of me for having hope in the first place.”
Nico winces, singed by my words. He rubs his jaw, visibly distressed.
“God, I am so sorry, Joonie. I don’t remember doing—don’t remember saying—any of that.
The next morning, all I could see were your eyes, how wide and teary they were.
That sobered me right up. That was why I apologized to you the next day.
I thought we’d put the matter to bed, that everything was okay between us after that.
I was so confused when you started ignoring me.
There was no part of me that realized you were still holding on to that night.
But now that I know what I said, what I did to you, it all makes sense.
Jesus Christ, what a fucking asshole I was. ”
“Yeah, well…” I huff out a breath. “You apologized for standing me up. That was it. I could have gotten over that part. It was all the other stuff that…” Totally and completely crushed me.
He takes a deep breath and continues. “Joonie, I never told you the full story about that night. The truth is, that was right in the middle of my parents’ divorce.
My dad wouldn’t stop shit-talking my mother.
Saying these awful crude things. Calling her names right in front of me—right in front of Tey, even.
They’d been fighting nonstop. And you were this little ball of optimism, bright and vibrant as the sun.
You were everything good and innocent, Joon.
My parents had this perfect fairy-tale love story.
And then one day, it disintegrated before my very eyes.
I didn’t tell you any of that. I didn’t want you to know the truth, that love was just this big fat lie. I wanted to shield you from it.”
“Shield me from it,” I repeat, as if tasting the word for the very first time.
I wanted to protect you.
“Yes. And I knew how rough school had been for you, how mean that fuckface Sam had been. I didn’t want you to miss out on anything else. My idiotic plan to take you as my date, even as friends, was meant to preserve your feelings, not hurt them.”
Fake dating. Like the trope.
God, my head hurts.