55. Sina
A hand slammed around my wrist. It happened so fast I gasped.
“That’s enough,” Nikolai snarled. “ You will not fucking harm yourself, Sina. ”
Pain bit into my wrist as his command slammed into place. I released the blade without my consent as a broken sound crawled up my throat as it skidded somewhere across the floor out of sight.
“Let go,” I said through gritted teeth, fighting back tears.
“No.”
“You’re hurting me.”
“Don’t care.” He shoved me backward, forcing me to stumble. “ Sit down, Sina. ”
The compulsion slammed into me like a door locking from the outside. I felt trapped. Broken. Small all over again.
Scared .
My knees buckled as he forced me into the chair. The moment my weight hit it, something inside me cracked wide open.
“Yellow,” the word slipped past my lips without thought.
Nik growled but slowly stood to his full height, giving me the space I asked for as silent tears of relief tracked down my face.
I wasn't sure if he’d respect the word outside the bedroom, but he had.
I hated that he compelled me. Hated it even more that his compulsion had worked to stop me from thinking about Keith, from panicking.
I had tried to prove I wasn’t weak. And he’d made me feel powerless anyway.
My throat closed. The room tunneled. I dragged in a sharp, painful breath as my chest seized, my heart racing wild and uneven.
Each breath scraped shallow and useless, the air thick like I was trying to breathe through water.
“Nikolai,” Rafe growled behind us in warning. It was the first time I’d ever heard him growl .
Nik never looked away from me. If there was concern in his eyes, it had to be my imagination.
“Fuck you, Nik,” I spat, but it came out thin. Cracked.
He leaned in slightly. “Is that an invitation?”
“You’re an asshole.”
His smile was sharp and cruel as he braced his hands on the table, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Eat, little mate, we're done here.”
He turned to walk out of the kitchen, but I wasn't fucking have it.
“No!” I roared, popping back up to my feet and grabbing his arm. “You don’t get to just walk away, Nikolai. You said you were going to be more involved, right? So do that.”
His entire body tensed as he slowly turned his gaze over his shoulder to look at me, those eyes of his glowing golden. I was pissing him off. A thrill of satisfaction rolled through me.
“Let. Go.”
“ Fine ! Walk away. Again . I’ll just ask Elias why you’re such a coward. Maybe he’ll explain it to me.”
“Leave Eli out of this.”
“Why? Afraid he’ll tell me the truth about why you keep your distance from me?”
His jaw flexed.
“Just say it already. Why did you vanish? Is it because you regret telling me?” I shook my head immediately. “No. That can’t be it. You don’t change your mind on a whim. You don’t make impulsive decisions.”
A sharp, humorless laugh tore out of me. “So, what is it? Are you afraid of me? The big bad alpha, scared of having feelings?”
His entire body was vibrating with barely contained rage. Good . Finally .
I lifted my chin. “No. You’re in a ninety-year relationship, I seriously doubt you’re afraid of feelings.” I tapped my lips, pretending to think. “Come on, Nik. Am I getting close? ”
My gaze locked on his. “What are you so fucking afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid.”
“ Bullshit .” I shoved his chest. He didn’t budge. It hurt me more than him, but I didn’t stop. “Tell me already. Fuck .”
I shoved him again.
“I’m not afraid of shit,” he barked. “It’s you who should be afraid of me .”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it.
“Oh, that’s rich.” I tilted my head, mockingly.
“ You should be afraid of me. Run Sina. Sit Sina. Fuck you, Nik. You don’t get to control me.
I'm the big bad alpha wolf, Sina. Be afraid,” I mocked, shaking my head.
“Be for real, Nik. I’ve told you over and over, I’m not running away from you.
You’ve pushed me away this entire time. I’m sick of it.
Tell me why. Say it out loud and I’ll leave it alone. ”
The gold in his eyes burned brighter, his jaw grit tighter. “You will be afraid once you know everything .”
“Know what , Nik?” I threw my hands up in exasperation. “I’m so fucking sick and tired of this stupid merry go round you have us on. It's nauseating."
“His eyes burned gold. You don’t understand.”
“Enough of this back and forth. I’m sick of you hiding behind half-answers and warnings.” My voice cracked, but I didn’t stop. “Just tell me already. Please .”
The word hung there, raw and unguarded.
“Answer me!”
Something in him finally broke.
“I killed her! ”
I flinched and forced myself to meet his gaze. It took all of my strength not to cower from the power emanating off of him. My heart was in my throat, my hands shook, I balled them into fists at my sides.
Nik’s nostrils flared and his eyes returned to their normal dark blue, reigning in whatever monster that lived under his skin. “Now you know. If I lose control, it won't end well for you, Sina. You're safer if I stay away. Everyone is. ”
Then he turned and walked out of the kitchen without looking back.
And this time, I let him. The moment he was gone, the panic threatened to rise again.
I sucked in a breath that didn’t go anywhere.
I collapsed back into a chair at the kitchen table, my fingers curled uselessly in my lap, numb and tingling—but before I could spiral completely, hands caught my shoulders.
“Sina,” Rafe said, low and steady, right in front of me. “Look at me. Hey . Look at me.” He lowered himself into my line of sight. His honey-brown eyes met mine, steady and patient. “Let me take the pain away. I know you said you didn’t want me to, but I hate seeing you like this.”
My chin wobbled. It was on the tip of my tongue to agree, but the pain of Nik walking away with that haunted look in his eyes hurt too much to let Rafe feel it. I shook my head.
Rafe stood, and the thought of him walking away from me too, was terrifying.
“Rafe. Don't leave me—”
He froze instantly.
“Never,” he said without hesitation.
He pulled a chair up and sat down. “Breathe with me, honey. You’re safe with me and I will never leave you.
” The relief hit hard and sudden, stealing what little breath I had left.
It reminded me why I loved him so much. I dragged in a breath.
It still hurt, but it stayed. Then another.
My chest loosened a fraction at a time. “That’s a good girl.
I’m not going anywhere. You're safe,” he repeated.
My hands trembled in my lap, then slowly stilled.
I leaned forward and kissed him gently. He let me set the pace, never pushing me further or dominating me with his touch.
My chin wobbled as I fought back tears. He was taking away my pain, but not in his empathic way, in a lovers way.
I finally broke apart, resting my forehead on his.
“I love you, Rafael, even if Nik won’t have me… I could never leave you either.”
Rafe wiped the tears from my cheeks with so much tenderness that more followed in their wake.
“I love you too, honey. Let’s get out of here, ya?”
I sniffled and let him lead me out to his car. I didn't care where we went, but I was glad to get out from under Nik’s thumb, at least for a little while.