72. Sina
I turned a cheek to give him privacy and heard the telltale signs of his feet hitting the wooden deck and the bin hinges closing. My throat tightened as the truth pressed in. We needed this conversation. Badly . It was long overdue, and the longer it waited, the more it festered.
And yes, I was nervous.
What if this just made everything worse? Or if he said the wrong thing?
Finally looking up at him, I took him in. He was so handsome. Those wild curls I itched to run my hands through. Lean muscles, a trimmed waist that dipped into a mouthwatering V I wanted to taste.
Damn it, Sina, focus.
Why was this so hard?
“Thanks for the swing.”
Elias’ mouth curved just a little, revealing a dimple and my heart beat skipped.
“I’m glad you like it.”
I did. That was the problem. Loving it felt like a betrayal of my own anger. I hated how easily he still mattered. How my body softened around him even when my chest stayed tight and guarded, every instinct braced for disappointment.
“Sit with me.”
I patted the space beside me.
He hesitated for half a second. Long enough for my stomach to dip with the familiar fear that he would retreat again, that he would choose distance because it was easier than answering for how he’d treated me. Finally he nodded and sat down beside me.
The swing dipped under his weight. He stretched his legs out and rocked us gently with the balls of his bare feet. I curled mine under his thigh without thinking. The contact grounded me, anchored me, even as everything inside my chest stayed coiled and raw .
“Why did you leave me, Eli?” I asked, staring straight ahead.
I didn’t trust myself to look at him. Not when this question had lived in my chest for months, unanswered and festering, growing sharper every time I thought about the years I’d spent believing everyone always chose something else over me.
That I wasn’t lovable.
He didn’t answer right away. His hand came to rest on my calf, silently comforting me, I was sure. I should have pulled away. I didn’t. I was so desperate for him that the smallest touch cracked something open inside me, leaving me feeling like I was bleeding out from the inside.
“There isn’t anything I could say that would change the choices I made, little feather.”
I flinched. The nickname had once felt safe on his tongue. Empowering. Now it made me feel exposed and small.
I sucked in a breath. “Try. For me. Because I don’t know how I’m supposed to forgive you if you don’t.”
I tried to keep my voice steady. It cracked anyway, betraying me, and I hated how weak it made me feel.
“I knew the moment you met Kiron, Nikolai would be at my door.”
“So you stopped seeing me because you knew I’d meet Kiron?”
“Yes. I told you about Jack’s bar because I knew it would set everything in motion.
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t cherish every moment we spent together.
I don’t regret that part, Sina. I was selfish then, wanting a piece of you, knowing there was a chance you would never forgive me for manipulating you. ”
The realization that he had always planned to walk away from me hurt more than I wanted to admit.
“Why?” I angrily wiped a tear. “Why did that mean I couldn’t see you anymore, Eli? How can you justify abandoning me? You lied. You said you moved your practice. But really, you planned to hand me off to someone else like I was a problem you didn’t want anymore.”
“I couldn’t risk your scent lingering on me. Nik would have caught it immediately.”
Finally, I looked at him. God, he was devastating, all boyish curls and kind eyes.
“I don’t understand. What does that have to do with your choice to leave me?”
“I’m known in the vampire community for finding people.
And Niko wouldn’t have trusted anyone else with something as important as tracking an unmated blood mate.
Nik always believed he wasn’t enough for me.
For years, I tried to prove him wrong. I tried to show him that he was all I needed. That the two of us were enough.”
My throat burned as I fought not to interrupt.
“But when I met you, I knew you were what this hive needed,” he said, lifting his eyes to mine, unguarded and painfully honest. “Please believe me. I didn’t leave because I didn’t want you. I left because wanting you might have meant you losing them.”
His thumb brushed lightly over my skin, reverent.
“And I refused to risk that. I’ll spend however long it takes paying for it.”
“You were the only person in my life I trusted for a long time. The only one. ” The truth of that settled heavy in my chest. “And you lied to me. You said you had another job. You left me.”
“I did have another job, my angel. It was making sure you found them.” He glanced up at me behind dark curls, those honey eyes so sad it tugged at my heart painfully. I rubbed the spot trying to soothe it. That snapped something raw and unhealed inside me.
“ What about me? What about what I wanted, Elias? You didn’t let me choose, and you know exactly why that matters more than anyone!
” My choices had been stolen from me over and over again.
And he knew that. “For ten years, I had no choices at all. None . Logan’s murder was the first thing in my life that ever felt like freedom. ”
A broken laugh tore out of me. “And what did that get me? A lifetime of looking over my shoulder for his vampiric brother who turns into a fucking panther.”
My chest burned, old fear and rage tangling together until I couldn’t separate them.
“You made me feel crazy. You made me doubt my own memories. I’ve dreamt about that night more times than I can count, and you stood there and let me doubt myself. For a year. ”
That hurt worse than the lies. Worse than the silence.
“I know, and I’ll spend the rest of my existence hating myself for that.”
He shifted like he was going to stand, and panic flared sharp and immediate in my chest. He shook his head once, sharp and angry at himself. Then he stepped off the swing and dropped to his knees in front of me. The air left my lungs in a rush. No one had ever knelt for me before.
“Eli what are you doing?”
“Please,” he begged, taking my hand in his.
He pressed his mouth to my fingers, then the back of my hand, slow and desperate and reverent.
“I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I made you doubt your own mind. And I hate most of all that I knew better and still did it. That is the only thing I regret.”
Tears slid down my cheeks unchecked, my body betraying me again by reacting to sincerity. It wasn’t fair how easily I wanted to forgive him.
“I’ve spent twenty years as a therapist. Twenty years helping blood mates cope with their near-death experiences.
I built my entire existence around finding them their perfect hives.
And then I met you,” he said, his breath hitching.
“And suddenly it wasn’t about repenting for past mistakes anymore.
All I wanted was you. Fucking up your happiness terrified me.
And all I want is for you to be happy, Sina.
Even if it doesn't include me. So here’s me laying it all out there, no more secrets.
When that girl was killed behind Jack’s bar, I knew it was Keith.
I’ve been tracking him for months, and I still am.
And I knew if I told Nik it wasn’t some random rogue, everything I’d built for you would shatter.
The hive would lock down. Nik would try and force you to stay with them.
Kiron would burn all of Ash Harbor looking for Keith.
I couldn’t risk that. Please tell me you understand. ”
My chest clenched painfully, because part of me knew he was right.
“Yes, I lied to the hive. I compelled Keith’s panther from you. I hid what I am. Because I love you enough to let you hate me but your safety is worth it.”
He bowed his head, forehead on my lap. With shaking hands, I dragged my fingers through his hair, the strands just as soft as I knew they’d be.
No one has ever loved me like Elias does.
“...If the only way to give you peace is to leave the hive, I will. I’ll leave Niko for good. He will understand.”
My heart stuttered.
“You would leave?” My hands tightened in his hair like an anchor.
“For you? Yes . If my presence hurts you more than it helps, I will walk away. I will disappear from your life if that’s what you need to heal.”
“ No. ” My throat closed over the word, a new wave of panic invading my senses. “You can’t leave me again, do you hear me Elias? Never.”
That snapped his head up, eyes wrecked and honest. I gripped his face roughly in my fingers like if I held on to him tight enough, he couldn’t shift and fly away from me.
“Elias, please get off the ground.”
He shook his head .
“I am on my knees because I deserve to be.” The confession hit like a physical blow.
“Because I don’t get to stand beside you until I earn that place again.
So please give me the chance to make this right.
” He pressed his forehead to my sternum, and I slowly wrapped my arms around his lean frame.
“Please, my angel. Don’t give up on us.”
His voice broke completely.
I stared down at him, this brilliant, broken man who had tried to save me from myself and almost lost me in the process.
“You have to promise to never leave me again, Eli.”
He looked up at me with those honey-brown eyes full of hope. It was fragile and devastating all at once.
“I will earn you, my little feather,” he vowed. “Every day. For as long as I exist.”