Chapter 24 Mirabelle #2
He takes a slow and steadying breath. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be snapping at you. You’re the last person I should take my anger out on.”
“It’s—it’s fine,” I say, shaking my head, trying to clear the fog that’s settling in my brain.
“Maybe the memory thing is a side-effect of whatever they do to you. I don’t know a lot about omega biology, but I think everyone knows an omega getting denied during her heat is one of the worst things you can do to her.”
“Oh,” is all I manage to say as I press my head between my knees, struggling to breathe. “They—they called it the procedure. All the girls had to do it. But they—they said it was for a good cause.”
He stiffens beside me, and that’s when I know. I was lied to.
His sharp inhale shatters another part of my worldview.
I let out a strangled laugh. It’s funny. I thought I had the entire world figured out.
I knew the rules of the universe, I knew how to avoid punishment, I knew how to keep myself safe.
And then I messed everything up and got sold here. Where nothing makes sense.
The rules back at the facility were supposed to keep us safe. The rules here don’t care at all about my safety or the safety of anyone else here.
“Tell me,” I whisper. “I need to know.”
“They’re used to make the enhancement drugs,” he says, his head buried in his hands.
“The ones—the ones they use on the fighters?” The one they all seem to hate because it drives them crazy? “N—No, that’s not right.”
“It’s true. I’m sorry, Sugar.”
Horror dawns on me as I stare down at my hands.
My blood has hurt people. Something from my body is used to ruin people’s lives.
I take a lot of pride in helping people. It’s what I did at the facility with the other girls, and it’s my entire purpose here. But is any of that enough to balance out the weight of all the hurt something from me has caused?
“S—so my blood—it’s turned into a drug that makes people crazy?” I croak out. “That’s—that’s insane!”
“There’s—there’s more,” he croaks out.
“What—what do you mean by more?” How can there be more? How can it get worse than this?
He lifts his head and his expression falls as he witnesses me falling apart.
“I take it too.” The words come spilling out from him, heavy with guilt and shame and so much self-loathing, my heart hurts at the sight.
“Wh—what? Why would you do that to yourself?” I shake my head in confusion. I don’t understand the way this drug works. All I know is that the fighters hate it. Why would Rowan take it willingly?
“Because I’m a fucking pathetic loser,” he spits with so much vitriol I jerk backwards. “I’ve been taking them for years now and I just can’t fucking stop. You don’t—you don’t know what my life was like before you got here. How fucking miserable I was—”
His voice cracks and he lets out a noise of frustration that sounds an awful lot like a sob. Curled in a ball in my nest, one built of all the pretty pastel fabrics he bought for me, he looks so young.
I sometimes forget how young he is.
He’s been thrust into this position where he’s basically in charge of the fighters and I, but he’s the youngest out of all of us.
“You’re right,” I murmur softly. “I don’t know what it was like. What I do know is... is how much this seems to hurt you right now.”
He shifts, scooting towards the opening of my nest, and a flare of panic hits my chest.
“Don’t leave,” I say, reaching out and grabbing the hem of his t-shirt. “Please don’t go.”
“I don’t deserve to be in your nest,” he says, his voice tight. “Don’t you get it? Can’t you see that?”
“I mean, it’s technically my nest, right? So don’t I get to choose who I want in here?”
His expression crumples before he buries his face in his hands again.
“You don’t get it,” he says, shaking his head. “The only reason you’re not kicking me out or yelling and screaming at me is ‘cause you don’t understand how fucked up I am.”
“I think I just don’t see what you see.”
“That’s the fucking problem, Sugar. That’s what I’m trying to say.
When you see me, actually see me, you’re going to be fucking pissed you gave a shit about me.
Because people don’t give a shit about me, that’s how it’s been my entire fucking life.
You’re going to see who I am, and you’re going to be disgusted. ”
He takes a frantic breath, his shoulders trembling. He stares at me, bracing for my next words.
“I don’t think so,” I say slowly. “We—we haven’t known each other for very long, but I think you’re forgetting that I’ve seen the way your family treats you. I think—I think it makes sense you’d turn to something to try to give yourself a sense of control. That’s why you do it, right?”
His jaw clenches as he gives me a jerky nod.
“I’ve still been taking the doses every week.
It’s not as much as I was taking them before, but still.
I’ve been taking them even though I knew where they were coming from.
I’ve been given the most ‘control’ and ‘responsibility’ I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I can’t stop myself. Doesn’t that make me fucked up?”
“I don’t think so,” I say, shifting closer to him slowly.
He lets me move closer to him, and I let out a little sigh of relief when I feel his leg pressed against mine.
“That’s only ‘cause you don’t know any better,” he says.
I flinch. I know I don’t know a lot. I’m reminded every time I go outside and see something new, like a new flower, or a new cloud.
“I’m trying,” I say, my voice soft and almost childlike. I’ve lost all the conviction of my earlier words. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t mean what I’m saying.”
“Fuck, I’m an asshole,” Rowan groans. “I’m sorry.
I just—I just can’t believe that a girl like you would be interested in a guy like me.
I can imagine that if you and the alpha fighters had met in real life that you guys would’ve formed a pack and lived your lives.
I don’t—I can’t see myself in that picture. ”
“But I do,” I insist, reaching out and grabbing his hands with mine, imploring him to believe me.
To see me. To hear me. “I don’t know what the outside world is like, but I know that you were the one to save me from your brother.
You are the one who’s worked your ass off to make sure you can keep us all safe. You’re in the picture, Rowan.”
“You’re too good to me.”
“I think you deserve more good in your life,” I murmur. “Please stay with me tonight? In my nest? It’ll smell off if I’m the only one who’s staying here.”
He nods thoughtfully. “Okay, I’ll stay.”
I flash him a watery smile, the tears that have been clinging to my lower lashes falling with the motion. “I’m glad.”