Chapter 26
Mirabelle
“Hey Rowan, are you doing okay?” I ask, knocking on the bathroom door. “I’ve really gotta go. You said there probably won’t be any bathrooms for me to use at the fight later tonight.”
The silence that meets me sends a shiver of apprehension down my spine.
“Rowan?” I knock louder this time. No answer. “Rowan!”
“Sorry,” he calls through the door. “I—I just—I just—“
His voice trembles as if he’s fighting to get the words out.
“I’m coming in!” I say, reaching for the doorknob. Luckily, it’s unlocked. But as I try to push the door open, it hits something. I barely squeeze past the small opening, my hip pressing painfully against the edge of the sink.
“Rowan!” I gasp, seeing him sitting on the floor of the bathroom, his head buried in his hands.
His bathroom is so small that his legs were in the way of me opening the door all the way.
My feet kick against a strange cylinder, positioned almost like he tossed it away from himself. He flinches at the sound and averts his gaze as I pick it up, staring down at it curiously.
I don’t really pay it any more attention before setting it down on the counter. Something is obviously wrong with Rowan.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, falling to my knees beside him in the cramped bathroom. “Are you hurt?”
I reach up and tug his hands away from his face, my movements frantic as I try to see if there’s something wrong.
My chest tightens as I see the tears threatening to spill over. His hazel eyes are dark and stormy with emotions I don’t know how to read.
“I’m such a fuck-up,” he hisses through clenched teeth, shaking his head with jerky movements. The cords in his neck stand out with the movement.
“What—what are you talking about?” I ask softly. “What’s wrong, Rowan?”
“I’m out,” he spits.
“Out? Out of what?”
He lets out a bitter laugh, tossing his head back. It makes a thump as it hits the lip of the bathtub. I bite back the protest that’s on the tip of my tongue.
My telling him not to hurt himself right now probably wouldn’t be received very well.
“Out of the booster,” he says, his voice strained. “I keep my stash in the medicine cabinet, but I’m out.”
I can feel his hands tremble as I hold them.
It’s a struggle to keep my own emotions in check. Even though he’s a beta, the despair, self-disgust, and desperation are oozing off of him, and it’s hard to keep my omega perfume from reacting. The last thing that needs to happen is a twisted feedback loop of negativity.
Rowan is lost in a sea of his emotions. I need to pull him back to shore.
I’m good at helping people.
That’s the whole reason I’m here.
But as my gaze darts across his pained expression and takes in the way his body is practically vibrating, I’m not very confident that I can actually help.
“You must think I’m pathetic,” he scoffs. “Sitting on the floor of this bathroom, nearly fucking crying over something this goddamn stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” I answer. “And I don’t think you’re pathetic. I think... I think you’re dealing with something big. And scary. And it must feel so heavy.”
“That’s one way of putting it,” he says, leaning his head into the crook of my neck to hide his face.
His shoulders tremble then. When I feel wetness against my skin, I realize it’s because he’s crying.
“I’m sorry. I’m such a fuck-up.” His voice is a strained whisper. “I just—I just got a text from my dad earlier that Jett is back, and I—I couldn’t fucking handle the idea of seeing him without a booster.”
The fear that hits me is like a thorny vine, wrapping itself around my neck and constricting so that every shallow breath I take burns with pain. I’m glad Rowan seems preoccupied with his own emotions right now because I can’t control my own at the mention of his brother returning.
The rhythm Rowan, the alphas, and I have been able to find in the past month hasn’t been that bad. Honestly, I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together.
Rowan’s put effort into making sure all of our living situations, the alphas included, were improved upon with his newfound responsibility and control.
And while I’m not “free,” exactly, I get to choose the food I eat, when I go to bed and wake up, and the temperature of my shower water. All things that the handlers back at the facility were in charge of.
“But now,” Rowan continues, “We’re probably going to see him and he’s going to do something fucked up and I won’t be able to do fucking anything. I’m going to fight back and lose, or worse, sit there and take it when you or the guys are put in danger.”
He looks at me with a desperation in his eyes that stabs me right through the heart.
“What—what do I do, Mira? What the fuck do I do?”
Mira.
Not Sugar. Not Mirabelle. Mira.
The name I told him my friends call me. Because even though we’ve been awkwardly dancing around being something a little more ever since I let him sleep with me in my nest, at the end of the day, he’s my friend.
The first guy friend I’ve ever made.
And my friend is asking me for help.
“I think... I think you just do the best you can,” I say, slowly, squeezing his hand in mine. “And it’ll be enough.”
“But—but I know it, I can feel it in my god damn bones, Jett is going to bang on that door and do something fucked up and—and I won’t be able to stop it!” He grits out.
“He probably will,” I say, swallowing hard. “And trust me, that terrifies me too, but would taking another dose of the booster really have changed things?”
He flinches back as if my words have struck him like a physical blow before his shoulders curl in on themselves.
“No.” The single syllable is so quiet I have to lean in to hear him. “Because I’m a pathetic beta loser who can’t do anything to protect the people I care about.”
“That’s not true!” I snap. His face is warm under my fingertips, flushed with the storm of emotions he’s feeling, as I reach out and force him to look at me. “Look at what you’ve been able to do for us in the past month.”
He starts shaking his head like he’s going to argue with me and a frustrated noise that sounds an awful lot like my best attempt at a growl leaves my chest.
“Rage has the most physical strength out of anyone we know, but he couldn’t have done what you’ve done for us!
You got me a nest and the alphas’ actual beds.
You’ve kept your father off your back and prepared all of the guys for what they’ll be facing tonight.
You being a beta didn’t have anything to do with that! ”
His expression crumbles and he clings to me, tugging me into his lap and wrapping his arms around his waist.
“You matter,” I murmur, wrapping my arms around his neck. “You don’t have to take those enhancement drugs or be an alpha to matter, Rowan. I wish so badly you could see yourself the way I see you.”
“Any of the other guys would be able to protect you if they were in my shoes,” he mumbles into my hair.
“The alphas?” I ask, jerking my head back so I can see him.
He nods, wiping away at his cheeks.
“But they’re not in your shoes. Only you’re in your shoes. And you’re doing the best you can.”
“But—but what if it’s not enough? What if he hurts you again?”
His question stops me in my tracks. Because he’s right, what happens if Jett or someone else tries to hurt me?
“I guess... I just survive it,” I say, a furrow forming between my brows as I try to believe my own words. “There’s—there’s so much of the world I want to see. As long as I’m alive, then there’s so much to look forward to. I mean, I’d like to hope any pain they cause me is temporary, you know?”
“That’s such a you answer,” Rowan says, letting out a short laugh that’s somewhere between a snort and a hiccup.
“Are you feeling better?” I murmur softly, brushing away the last remaining wetness on his cheeks.
“Yeah, thanks, Sugar.”
“Of course.” I shift awkwardly on his lap. “I wasn’t lying earlier, um, I seriously have to use the bathroom.
“Shit, yeah, I’ll give you some privacy,” he says, scrambling to his feet.
I reach out as he’s stepping out of the bathroom, catching his wrist in my hand.
“We’re going to get through tonight,” I say, offering him a small smile. “Regardless of what happens, okay?”
His jaw clenches as he offers me a definitive nod. “Yeah, we will.”
Once I’m done with my business in the bathroom, I step out to see Rowan tapping against his phone screen furiously, a deep scowl on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I ask softly, my sock-covered feet sliding against the floor.
“Jett is coming over here right now,” he says with a scowl.
I stiffen, clutching the hem of Rowan’s worn hoodie.
Despite the fact I have my own clothes now, I like stealing his clothes.
While I’m a big fan of the stretchy leggings and soft blouses he’s gotten me, there’s just something about wearing clothes that carry Rowan’s fresh basil scent.
It’s not as pronounced as any of the alpha’s, but it’s still comforting.
I definitely need all the comfort I can get in this moment.
“What—what is he coming here for?” I ask.
Rowan’s jaw ticks as he tosses his phone onto the couch cushion beside him.
“Says he’s bringing things for you.”
“That sounds bad,” I whisper.
“Yeah,” he huffs. “That’s one way of putting it.”
“He’s not—he’s not going to hurt you again, right? Or take me away?”
“He shouldn’t,” Rowan says with a shake of his head. “Dad specifically ordered him not to, but you know how much of a wildcard he can be.”
Speak of the devil and he shall come, or whatever the saying is, because Jett bangs on the trailer door right that second.
His telltale knock shakes the walls of the trailer. I hate it. I hate him.
“I think it’s best if you stay out here, that way he doesn’t have a reason to come drag you out or anything, okay, Sugar?” Rowan murmurs, standing from his seat on the couch and squeezing my shoulders reassuringly.
“Okay.”
Rowan’s gaze darts between my wide, panicked eyes before he sighs and leans down to brush a soft kiss against my forehead.