17 Cutter
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.
I know Evie can tell something’s wrong. How do you hide the fact that you just had your cock sucked to a mind-blowing orgasm in the restroom by a fuckboy stripper who’s made you his carnal mission in life?
How did my life get this fucked up? All I wanted was a pleasant afternoon with a friend. Now every time I blink I see his lust-filled eyes looking up at me while his mouth is stuffed with my cock.
I could pretend it didn’t move me. Could fool myself into believing it’s just a product of abstinence. To hear Daryl tell it, that’s the root of all my problems. Just get laid and all your troubles will disappear.
Abstinence doesn’t explain what just happened.
I’ve never done anything like that before. Was never even a fan of PDA. Do what you want but keep it behind closed doors.
I let him suck my cock in a public restroom where anyone could have walked in.
I let him suck my cock.
Again.
I could have stopped him. Could have pushed him away and meant it.
But I didn’t.
Because it felt good, and it’s been so long since anything has felt good to me.
Since I’ve felt anything.
That’s all it is. All three times he’s done it.
Three times.
It’s becoming a habit. A bad habit.
Maybe Aubie’s right. Maybe one good fuck is all it would take to get it out of my system. One good fuck to move on.
Then what?
Because he’s got me doubting things about myself.
Is this who I am now? Am I attracted to men?
I know I’m not gay. I spent four satisfied years with Amber. I still like women.
Am I bi? Or is it just Aubie? Some weird chemistry thing between us? He feels it too. He wants to know the answer. That’s why he made me that offer. One time, he said. One time to flush the system of that particular hunger.
I’m against the one-time deal on principle, but maybe it’s time to make an exception. Because I can’t keep letting him disrupt my life like this. I feel like I have to be on high alert every time I leave my apartment. He’s proven he’ll come at me from anywhere.
Isn’t it better to just get it over with? Preferably someplace where I can control the narrative. Definitely not in a public restroom. How stupid can I be?
“Penny for your thoughts,” Evie says.
I shake myself out of my head and lift my lips in a smile I don’t feel. “Sorry. It’s a work thing.”
“Do you need me to have a conversation with Daryl?”
I know she’s teasing, but I can’t help the panic that spikes in my veins. The last thing I want is for him to have more ammunition in his quest to get me laid.
“No. I just tend to obsess over things.”
“Aren’t you the one who told me to leave the office behind today?”
Shit, now I’m being a bad friend. When I woke up to a clear day, my first thought was to take out the bike for what might be the last time before winter.
I called Evie to see if she was free and she started to beg off for a work thing.
“Maybe you need to get out. Get some fresh air. We could grab lunch.”
For a minute I sounded like the old me–decisive. Confident. Adventurous. She even laughed and agreed, provided I got her back for a conference call at four.
And now I’m ignoring her. “I’m sorry,” I apologize. “You’re right.”
Out of the corner of my eye I spot Aubie and his friend stand up and make their way out of the restaurant. As soon as he passes through the door I exhale, the pressure in my chest easing.
When I turn my attention back to Evie, she’s watching me with a wry smile. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“This friendship thing only works if we’re honest with each other. You were fine when we got here, until you went to the restroom. So I ask again, what’s really going on?”
Shit. She did notice. How do I explain this? Part of me wants to deflect, sort of like I’ve been doing ever since this whole thing started. Pretend it’s something I can just ignore.
The other part wants to tell her the truth. Spill the whole sordid affair and get her opinion. Evie’s smart and savvy. Probably a lot more than I am about situations like this. She’s certainly more rational, because I’m starting to think I’m going crazy.
I look up at her and suck in a deep breath. “There’s this guy at work who thinks…”
What? How do I say he’s hitting on me? That I’ve let him suck me off three times and am seriously considering fucking him?
“Thinks what?” she nudges.
I look around to make sure there’s no one listening and lower my voice. “He thinks he wants me.”
I let that sit there for a minute while Evie studies me, her expression thoughtful. Finally she says, “I’m assuming you mean sexually.” I nod. “How do you feel about that?”
My gut reaction is to deny everything, especially the part where he’s given me the best blow jobs of my life. “I’m not gay,” I insist while wondering who I’m trying to convince.
“You don’t need to be gay to want to experiment.”
“Who says I want that?”
She offers an indulgent smile. “Are you sure you need me to explain that to you?” When I don’t say anything, she continues. “Has he acted on any of this?”
I can feel my skin flush. “Um…”
“I’m going to take that as a yes. Look, I’m not here to judge or tell you who you should or should not sleep with.
I’m a live and let live kind of girl and God knows I’ve made my share of bonehead mistakes.
But I also know if I had it to do over, I’d probably do the same thing again because those experiences made me the person I am.
Something about this guy is obviously getting under your skin.
Don’t you owe it to yourself to explore that? ”
Do I? Even if I wanted to explore my sexuality–which I don’t–it wouldn’t be with someone like Aubie. He’s everything I hate.
You didn’t seem to hate him so much when he was sucking your dick.
Okay, so maybe I find him physically attractive. Doesn’t mean I want to get naked with him.
But you did.
Can I just shut my brain off? That’s what they do. Aubie. Callum. They see something they want and they go after it. They don’t stress about the consequences or the morality of what they’re doing.
That’s not me.
“What if I told you I already did?”
“Is that what happened in the bathroom?”
Now I’m really blushing. “He’s…relentless.”
“And did you resist?”
Did I? I would like to think so, but I know it’s a lie. At least I didn’t resist hard enough.
She reaches across the table and closes her hand over mine. “What’s giving you the most trouble, Cutter? The fact that it’s a guy, or that it’s this particular guy?”
Did she just read my mind? I open my mouth to answer, then pause. What is my answer? I hate Aubie on principle, but I’m also not ready to admit I’m attracted to a man.
“A little of both? I fucking hate him.” I can’t believe I said that out loud.
“Mmm,” she moans with a grin. “Hate sex. It’s always hot.”
“Evie, please. I’m losing my mind here.” I don’t think I could stand it if she started making fun of me. I’m doing enough of that on my own.
“Okay, what’s the situation? You’ve obviously hooked up before–”
“We haven’t hooked up,” I’m quick to assure her. “It’s just been a few blowjobs.”
She smiles at that. “A few blow jobs?” I wince. “The fact that you let it happen says you got something out of it.”
“I wouldn’t go so far as to say I let it happen.”
“Did you stop him?”
“Well, no,” I mumble.
“But you want to?”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“Okay. What does he want?”
I’ve asked myself that question at least a hundred times. He acts like he’s just as unhappy with this as I am, but he keeps initiating contact. And then he told me he was going to keep coming after me. That he wanted me to fuck him. The thought both excites and terrifies me.
She’s watching me expectantly. “He wants me to fuck him,” I finally manage to mutter.
“How do you feel about that?”
“Rationally speaking, he presents a good argument. He says we can just do it once to get it out of our systems then go about our lives like nothing happened.”
I’m not expecting her laughter. “What?” I demand.
“Sorry. It’s just that, have you ever known that to work with anything? There’s a reason Lays used to have that advertisement ‘bet you can’t eat just one.’”
“He’s not a potato chip,” I snap.
“No, he’s a human being, and human beings are inherently messy.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning things don’t always go as planned. What happens if you do this and you like it? Maybe even want more?”
That sends a spike of panic through me. “That’s never going to happen.”
She quirks a brow and shakes her head, “If you say so.”
“So you think I shouldn’t do it?” Crap. That means I have to come up with another way to get the brat out of my life.
“I didn’t say that. Just because you might not like something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it. Life is full of experiences.”
“Jesus,” I sigh, raking a hand back through my hair. “I really don’t need this in my life right now.”
“Want some friendly advice?”
“Hit me.” What have I got to lose?
“I’ve found the best way to hang onto your sanity is to accept that nothing ever goes according to plan. That way when it does it’s like a gift.”
“That may be true for most people.”
She grins. “Are you saying you’re special?”
“Yes. I mean, no. I mean…it’s just that my life has been one huge clusterfuck for years and I thought I was finally starting to get it back on track.”
“This have anything to do with that ex-fiancé you don’t want to talk about?”
I may have mentioned Amber to her, though only in passing. She tried to get me to open up, but I kept changing the subject until she gave up.
I stare at my sandwich, which has gone untouched since I sat down, and come to a conclusion. I’ve told her this much, might as well give her the whole story. Who knows, maybe I’ll get some clarity.
“We were together for four years. Had our whole lives planned.”
“What happened?”
“She cheated on me.”
She takes her time replying. “That sucks, but it happens.”