29 Cutter
I DON’T KNOW IF I’VE ever seen Aubie rendered speechless. He’s usually the first one with a snarky quip or a filthy innuendo. Seeing him like this, after what he shared with me last night, makes keeping him at a distance that much harder. Harder to overlook the vulnerability in his eyes.
In fact, everything I thought I knew and believed about him is harder to reconcile now.
Lying here with nothing else to do, I thought about it a lot.
What he said last night about feeling responsible for his friend’s death.
How his father devalued him. It all makes it harder to hate him.
Makes it harder to ignore the feelings that suddenly want to make themselves known.
And God knows I’ve tried. I don’t want to care about Aubie.
Too bad my stupid brain doesn’t agree.
Or is it my heart?
Nope, not going there.
He looks so small sitting in that chair, and a part of me just wants to wrap my arms around him. To protect him.
Is that really me?
“I guess you can’t wait to get real food again,” he says, pulling me out of that train of thought.
I’ve never been a picky eater, but after a breakfast of rubbery eggs and whatever that was for lunch, I’d be thrilled with one of the frozen dinners in my freezer. “I’ve definitely had better.”
“Must be their way of keeping you sick enough to be here.”
“You never had the food at my high school cafeteria,” I scoff. “That would put you off eating for days.”
“Can’t say that I ever ate at my high school cafeteria.”
“Too common for your blood?” I tease.
“More like, I was always the kid hanging out at the coffeeshop across the street. Kind of kept to myself until I had my coming out during my senior year.”
The thought of Aubie as a quiet introvert almost breaks my brain. “Seriously?”
His smile is devoid of his usual cockiness. “I know. Shocking, right? Took me a while to find my voice, but when I did, well…” He spreads his arms. “You see the results.”
“All the world’s a stage, huh?”
“Something like that.” He drops his hands, clasping them tightly in his lap, then raises his eyes to mine. “Sorry I dumped all that stuff on you last night. Not what you need right now.”
“I’m glad you did,” I insist and am surprised to realize I mean it.
His eyes meet mine, and there’s that vulnerability again that tugs at my heart. “You’re the first person to…” He sighs and shakes his head.
“To what?”
“See me completely…naked.”
I quirk a brow. “Uh, I know of a few hundred people who would argue that fact.”
“I’m not talking about clothes.”
It takes me a minute to realize what he’s saying. “Oh.”
“Yeah. I, um…don’t usually tell people shit like that. Like ever.”
“Not even your friends?”
His showman smile makes an appearance. “You’re the first.”
The enormity of that statement takes a minute to settle.
He’s carried that around inside all this time without telling anyone?
I know my own trauma doesn’t come close to his, and I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have Daryl and Sammy to confide in, even though doing so often feels like climbing a cliff without a rope.
But to go through something like that without any outlet…
it’s a wonder he’s as well-adjusted as he is.
That’s a statement I never imagined myself saying about Aubie. I want to ask why he chose me to confide in, but I sense that would shine a light where he doesn’t want one right now. So instead I revert to small talk.
“Did it snow last night?”
I don’t miss the flash of relief in his expression. “Nope. Not a cloud in the sky today, but it’s cold as hell.” He glances at the window behind him. “Want me to open the shades?”
“That would be great, if you don’t mind. Make it feel less like a tomb in here.”
He gets up and adjusts the shades so they’re halfway open, allowing me to see the day beyond, even though the view is mostly the brown brick walls of the other wing of the hospital.
Like he said, the sun is brilliant, making me even more restless.
I reach for the remote and raise the back of the bed so I’m in a more upright position.
The movement sends a sharp pain shooting through my wound site, but I refuse to use the morphine pump.
The last thing I want to do right now is pass out, and I can’t tell if that’s because I slept enough already or I don’t want to fall asleep while Aubie’s here.
“Do you need anything else?” he asks, watching me closely.
I don’t want him to see me as weak, so I school my expression to erase any sign of discomfort. “Other than to get out of here, no.”
“Did they say when that would be?”
“The doctor said they would reevaluate me later today, but everything is looking good. They’re mainly just concerned about infection.”
“You’re a big strong man. I’m sure you can fight off a little infection.”
I try to ignore the sudden heat in his eyes, but it causes other parts of me to take notice. Why does this man affect me like this? Even lying in a hospital bed isn’t enough to dampen the attraction.
“I don’t know if you’re good for my libido or a risk of total relapse.”
Did I say that out loud?
“I’d be happy to nurse you back to health.”
There’s the Aubie I know and…
I stop myself, unwilling to finish that thought. Or knowing my big mouth, to say it out loud. “I see your mind has gone back to the gutter,” I deflect.
His eyes widen innocently. “Moi? I’m just offering to help out. As a friend.”
“Uh huh.” I grin and realize that while I would ordinarily be annoyed by his risqué banter, I’m actually enjoying it. “Is that what we are? Friends?”
He rolls his eyes. “Well, if you want to get technical about it, I’d like to think we’re more than that. After all, I’ve had your dick deep inside me.”
And there he is, all the way back. He’s so good at pushing my buttons, I decide it’s time for a little payback. “I might have enjoyed that a little.”
“A little?” he challenges.
I hold up my thumb and forefinger and pinch them together. “This much.”
“Hmm. Guess I need to step up my game.”
“So you can do better?” I can’t believe I’m having this conversation. Apparently, neither can Aubie.
“Let me get the nurse. You’re definitely feeling better.”
“You sure you want her in here right now?” What? Did I say that?
“Big words for someone who’s currently out of commission.”
“I’m not dead,” I quip.
He smirks. “Oh honey, if it wasn’t for the fact that this is a public hospital, I’d climb up on this bed and suck your big cock until you explode in my mouth.”
I swallow my reaction to that image. “So the great Chaton is suddenly afraid of a little exposure?”
The look in his eyes tells me I finally hit the target. He chuckles, the sound downright filthy. “You don’t know me if you think that would bother me. I’m just looking out for your reputation.” He leans closer. “Wouldn’t want the world to know that goody two shoes image of yours is a big fat lie.”
We stare at each other for a long minute while every cell in my body ignites. I’m sure if he were to touch me right now, I’d get an electrical shock. “I never had these kind of thoughts before you came along.”
“You’re welcome.”
I can’t stop a laugh from bubbling up, which is met with another shard of pain. Instinctively I grab for my abdomen and grimace. “Fuck, don’t make me laugh.”
“That’s not exactly what I had in mind.”
“I can imagine.”
He waggles his brows. “You can try, but reality is always so much better.”
This man.
Before the conversation can devolve further, there’s a knock on the door and the nurse–Kathy today–bustles in.
“Just need to check your vitals.”
She flashes a light from the thermometer at my forehead then clips a plastic lead to my finger to check my pulse and records the result.
When she moves on to wrapping my bicep in the blood pressure cuff, I glance up to meet Aubie’s eyes.
I’m sure my reaction to his expression isn’t doing any good for my blood pressure.
She side-eyes me when she gets her readings but doesn’t say anything, instead picking up the plastic water pitcher on the cart next to the bed and peeking inside. “I’m glad to see you’re drinking. I’ll go fill this. Be right back.”
“Look at you being a good boy," Aubie teases as soon as she disappears out the door.
“You probably raised my blood pressure twenty points.”
“Only twenty?”
“Brat.”
“Tease,” he counters.
Kathy comes back with the pitcher, putting that exchange on hold. “You need anything else?” she asks before she leaves.
“No, I’m good. Thanks.”
She nods and leaves, pulling the door shut behind her. When I look back at Aubie, there’s no mistaking where his gaze is focused. “Don’t even think about it.”
He grins. “Are you sure? She won’t be back for a while now. I’m sure I could get you off fast.”
“Let’s save that for when I’m not wired up in a hospital bed.”
“So you’re saying when you get home?”
“I didn’t…I mean…”
What do I mean? That I want to be with him. To feel his lips on my cock again. To feel that tight heat as I sink inside him.
I can feel my cheeks warm at that thought, and he doesn’t miss it. “I’ll take that to mean yes,” he says before standing. When I frown, he adds, “That’s probably my cue to leave.”
I’m surprised at my disappointment. “You don’t have to.”
“Trust me, it’s better for both of us if I do because I can’t sit here without wanting to taste your cum.” He seems to consider something, then adds, “Did they give you your phone?”
I jerk my head toward the table next to the bed. “Right there, though it’s probably nearly dead and I don’t have a charger.”
“Wish I’d known that,” he murmurs, reaching for my phone. He holds the screen up for me to unlock, then his fingers fly over it, typing something before setting it back on the table. A couple of seconds later I hear his own phone ping in his pocket.
“Now you have my number,” he says. “You know, in case you want to talk or anything.”
It’s my turn to smirk. “What would we talk about?”
“Whatever pops into that handsome head of yours. I’m told I have a very soothing voice.”
“To go along with your dirty mind?”