31 Cutter
THE DOCTOR CLEARS ME TO go back to work on Tuesday, a week after the attack. Which is just in time because I was ready to climb the walls. There’s only so many podcasts and daytime TV trainwrecks a person can watch before they’re ready to become a statistic.
The time at home wasn’t all bad. Aubie came over nearly every day, bringing me food and staying for dessert.
Lots and lots of dessert. The man is insatiable when it comes to sex but getting him to spend the night is another matter.
I think it makes him uncomfortable. I don’t want to push, but I still ask because when he’s here, I can actually sleep, and I haven’t done that in a really long time.
Daryl brought my truck back to me, so I don’t have to ride the bike in on my first day back at work.
Javi fusses over me for a few minutes until I assure him I’m a hundred percent fine then brings me up to speed on everything that happened over the last week, which wasn’t much.
He did a good job of onboarding the two new hires, Lionel and Wayne, and with them here now this will be the last week for Simpson and Blair.
I can’t say I’ll be sorry to see them go.
I appreciate Simpson going with Daryl to talk to Scarponi, but other than that, they’ve kind of been a wash.
I manage to keep myself distracted with the day-to-day club business until the shows start in the main house. That’s when it finally hits me.
Aubie would’ve danced tonight.
I would’ve seen him strutting his stuff on that stage. Would’ve seen him bare all. Seen him pull that stunt with sucking on a finger dripping with his own precum.
The image causes my cock to twitch.
And then the other shoe drops.
So would everyone else.
I asked him to quit because the thought of anyone else seeing that side of him stirs something dark inside me.
Something I’ve never experienced before.
I’ve never been the jealous type, but I’m learning everything about Aubie is like coloring outside the lines.
He’s the last person I would have pictured myself with, and yet, every time I look at him, I can only hear one word looping through my mind.
Mine.
I know it’s too soon to be thinking like that, especially when I don’t know where this stands between us. True, he’s hung around longer than I expected him to, but what does that actually mean? The thought that it could be one-sided is almost enough to send me looking for a place to hide.
And we know where I like to hide.
No, I can’t think like that.
I fumble my phone out of my pocket and type out a quick message.
ME
Just realized I won’t see you on stage tonight
SLUTPUPPY
If you’re changing your mind, I could be there in fifteen minutes
Absolutely not
Tell you what, if you come over to my house after work I’ll give you a private show
Now my dick really is hard.
I’ll be there
See you later, lover. Don’t jerk it too hard.
I smile to myself as I tuck the phone back in my pocket and head through the main house toward the back hallway.
Daniel is on stage, and while I side-eye him out of curiosity on my way through the room, the sight of his cock doesn’t do anything for me.
Does that mean I’m not bisexual, or do I need an emotional attachment before I get aroused?
Am I only attracted to Aubie? I wish there was someone I could talk to about this stuff.
And then I remember what Daryl said about himself. Was he always queer, and how did he handle it when he found out?
Izzy is in Daryl’s office when I arrive, the two of them bent over some papers on Daryl’s desk. “I can come back,” I say as I poke my head in the doorway.
“No, come in,” Daryl says.
Izzy looks me up and down and huffs. “You look fine.”
“I am, thanks for asking.” I drop onto the couch and cross my legs, mainly to hide the effect of Aubie’s text.
She picks up the papers and glances between me and Daryl. “I guess you have guy stuff to talk about, so I’ll get out of your hair.”
“Let me know what you decide,” Daryl says as she reaches for the door.
“It’s between the two of them. I’ll call them both in for a second look.” She turns and glares at me. “Did you have something to do with this?”
“With what?”
She rolls her eyes. “Probably scared the poor kid to death with all that blood. I know he can be a pain in the ass, but he was a big earner.”
I don’t say anything because I just figured out who she’s talking about and I did have something to do with it. I don’t know what Aubie told Daryl about why he quit, but it’s obvious he hasn’t shared it with Izzy.
After she’s gone, Daryl rounds his desk and takes a seat in one of the side chairs. “How are you really?” he asks.
“I told you, I’m fine. Clean bill of health. I wish everyone would quit asking.”
He chuckles. “Well, excuse us for caring. And don’t give me that look. You have people here who care about you.”
I guess he can read the doubt in my eyes.
Do they really care or is it just I’m part of the news cycle?
“You’ll pardon me if I don’t believe you.
” I think back to that conversation I overheard between Aubie and his friend the night he brought her to the club.
He’s a dick. I’m sure that’s what they all think of me.
I don’t mean to be, but being a dick is kind of my job.
“You’re too hard on yourself,” Daryl says.
“I’d say I’m the right amount of hard on myself,” I scoff.
He shakes his head and mumbles something under his breath before looking up at me. “I don’t know which is more unbelievable.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The fact that you asked Aubie to quit or that he actually did it. I guess I didn’t see that one coming.”
Oh that. “Yeah, that kind of surprised me too. Which leads me to why I’m here.”
“Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re quitting too.”
“What? No.”
He makes a show of exhaling. “Thank God. At the risk of it going to your head, you’re kind of irreplaceable around here.”
“Now you’re just exaggerating.”
“You know me better than that. So what did you want to talk about?”
Now that I’m here, I don’t know how to start. “How did you…know?” I finally blurt.
“You’re going to have to be more specific.”
Of course I am. “Your…sexuality. How did you know you were attracted to men?”
“Well, I told you about Kevin Farrington’s brother. That kind of was my dick’s coming out party.”
“Yeah, but all through high school and college you always dated girls.”
“I did what was expected of me.”
“Did you ever, I mean, did you…experiment?”
“With guys? Yeah, when I got a little older, though I usually had to go out of town to hook up since everyone knew who I was.”
“That must’ve sucked.”
He shrugs. “Is what it is. I’ve been lucky in that I’m mostly focused on my business right now so I don’t pay much attention to who I’m with.”
“But you have sex, right?” I realize what I just asked and feel myself blushing. “Sorry, that was too personal.”
“No, it’s okay,” he assures me. “You have questions, and that’s normal.
I want you to feel like you can talk to me.
And to answer you, yes, I have sex. And yes, it’s mostly with women.
That’s why I only choose the shallow ones.
For the majority of them, it’s a status thing, so they don’t call me on it when I just go through the motions. ”
Suddenly things start to make sense. Is that what I was doing with Amber?
If I’m being honest, sex was always an afterthought for me with her.
At least until I found her in bed with my brother.
What does that say about the five years I spent melting down about it?
Who was I most upset with–Amber or Callum?
Because now that I think about it, I really don’t miss her.
Callum, on the other hand…
Maybe Daryl’s right. Maybe it’s time to talk to my brother. If for no other reason, to get some answers. I believe I’m strong enough now to hear them.
“I think I was using Amber.”
He couldn’t look more surprised. “What do you mean?”
“Sex was, well…it was never all that important to me when I was with her. I mean, I loved her. At least, I think I did. But sex was like you said, just going through the motions.”
Saying it out loud makes it more real. Was I really using her, and what does that say about our whole relationship? I was planning to spend my life with her. How long would that have lasted?
“What about now?” Daryl asks.
“What do you mean?”
“This thing with Aubie. How do you feel now?”
I bite my lip when I meet his eyes. I don’t realize the truth of my words until I say them. “It’s like the world will stop turning if I don’t have him.” I want to deny it, but I can’t. The thought of not seeing him is like trying to breath underwater. “Is that terrible?”
“Terrible?” His lips curl up in a slow smile. “Most people would kill to feel that way about someone.”
“What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“I never thought I would say this, considering who we’re talking about, but I don’t think you have to worry about that.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“The fact that he was just as confused about you as you are about him. Maybe you should try talking to each other.”
Maybe we would if we weren’t so busy fucking each other’s brains out every time we’re together. I know he’s right. It’s best to lay it all out and see where we stand, but I’m scared, and I don’t know what I’m scared of.
Rejection?
Acceptance?
As much as I want it, I can’t imagine a happy ending. Not with everything that’s happened in the last seven years. Though most of the drama was my own doing, and owning up to that is hard because it makes me feel like even more of a failure.
Could it be that I didn’t want any of it? The life with Amber. The career in the majors. Was I looking for an easy way out?
If that’s the case, then I’m even more fucked up than I thought. Should I even be considering a relationship?