Chapter 18
Eighteen
Blake
Wrapped in warmth and comfort, I let out a soft, sleepy hum, and nuzzle into the delicious smell of home and safe and mate.
The loud voices from somewhere not here are jarring, but I manage to block them out, pressing closer closer closer to the sleep-warm body next to me, and curling around his back, one arm around his waist as I push my nose against his neck.
Thoughts niggle at the back of my mind, telling me there’s something I’m forgetting, something I’m missing, something I need to pay attention to.
But I don’t care. I can’t remember the last time I was this content, and I’m not letting anything ruin it.
The man in my arms goes stiff, an uncomfortable tension thrumming through his body. He doesn’t smell like fear, though, more like surprise and shock. Those are acceptable. If there was even a hint of fear there, I’d let him go.
Probably. Maybe?
I run my nose up the back of his neck, then rub my cheek against his hair, sending silent comfort and trying to soothe away the tension.
It’s okay. You’re safe.
He relaxes into my hold, body going soft and pliant as he lets out a tiny sound, almost like a whimper, and tilts his head to give me better access to his neck.
Submission.
Yes… that’s good.
I lick a stripe over the site on his neck that will soon display the shape of my teeth, marking him as mine. My mate. Mine.
He lets out a low gasp and arches his back, pressing his ass against my erection and drawing a groan from deep in my chest as desire rushes through me. I trace my hand down his side and—
“Neil!” a groggy female voice yells as something soft—a pillow?—drops onto my face. “What did I tell you? No funny business within my hearing. I don’t want to listen to you get off.”
Confusion washes over me with anger following quickly on its heels, a flare of heat in my chest building into an inferno.
There’s no conscious thought involved, and the next thing I know, I’m looming over a frightened human, my face only inches from hers, blunt human teeth bared in a snarl.
Her breaths come in quick pants and there’s no color in her face as a tremble takes over her whole body.
“Wolfie!” A voice from the other bed. The man. He has a name… My mate. “Stop!”
Half involuntarily, my head turns to face him. Tousled brown hair and tired brown eyes wide with shock and… fear.
Of me.
A mixture of guilt and shame cascades over me, and I hunch my shoulders, making myself as small as possible. This is wrong. Not right. He shouldn’t be afraid of me. Not ever.
I’m… I’m… I’m…
I give my head a brisk shake, trying to clear the cobwebs from my thoughts.
Realization crashes into me, and I jerk away, scrambling backward off the bed until my ass hits the ground.
I wrap my arms around my knees and rock, the sounds and scents and memories overwhelming the little control I managed to gather.
Every thought and instinct seems to misfire, sending conflicting messages through my body and mind, becoming a wall of noise and sensation that I don’t remember how to process.
Too much… too loud…
My hands move to cover my ears, and I rock faster, trying to shut out everything around me and make it all make sense again.
My throat goes tight and my breathing becomes strained, the harsh wheezes and gasps only adding to the cacophony of sound trying to drown me.
Black spots dance at the corners of my vision, and my chest feels too tight, like I’m slowly being crushed.
Two hands land on my shoulder, startling me.
I almost snap at them, bite and claw to escape the hold, but both my teeth and fingers are blunt and useless, no longer weapons in this form.
The scent of my mate washes over me along with the murmur of his voice, hushing and soothing as he runs his hands down my arms, his touch soft and kind and gentle.
“Shh,” he says, brushing his fingertips over my upper arm. “It’s okay. I know this is probably kind of overwhelming, and I’m not exactly sure how to help you, but I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you. You’re safe here.”
“He’s safe?” snaps the female in a sleep-roughened voice. “What about me? That’s, like, the second time he’s tried to attack me.”
My mate sighs. “Raquel…”
She clears her throat and her tone softens. “Yeah, I know. Extenuating circumstances and all, but he scared the shit out of me.”
“Me too.” The words are sad and worried, but no longer fearful.
I whine and open my eyes to find my mate—Neil, his name is Neil—crouched in front of me, his forehead creased with concern.
“Hey, uh, Wolfie.” A weak smile plays at his lips. “So… you managed to shift. That’s good. I was getting a little concerned that you didn’t remember how.”
I meet his gaze and his smile grows, almost natural now.
“There you are,” he says, eyes soft, voice soft. “Why don’t we get off the floor?”
He stands, holding his hand out to me. I stare at the outstretched hand for a beat, then take it.
He gently tugs me to my feet, the action more encouragement than actually physical assistance.
Those deep brown eyes widen a little as I rise to my full height, a good half a foot or more taller than him, but his smile stays in place, and he slowly leads me over to the bed not occupied by the female.
Wait. I know her name too… Raquel. That’s it.
I shoot her an apologetic glance from under my brows, shoulders hunched and curled inward.
I didn’t mean to scare her, but my every nerve is on edge, and the default state taught to me over the past few years is anger, rage, and aggression.
Those animal instincts are ingrained, even on my human mind now, and I’m not sure if my body knows how to react in any other way.
Not anymore.
Years of blood and death and fighting for my life have left me a shell of the person I once was, hollowing out my humanity and replacing it with bloodlust on a hair trigger.
But I’m not in that place anymore. I have a chance now…
I have choices. Free will.
My free hand goes to my neck, the unconscious gesture reassuring me that the collar, that instrument of painful control, is no longer there. And my human mind, once I have a chance to get used to it again, will be able to push aside the conditioning much more easily.
Neil sits on the side of the bed and pats the spot beside him.
I comply with his unspoken instruction, awkwardly lowering myself to sit next to him on the rumpled blankets.
My human form feels wrong after so much time as a wolf, but the basic mechanics are instinctual enough that I don’t make a complete fool of myself.
If only my mindset could readjust so easily… My thoughts are sluggish, disjointed, my brain still running on animal instinct even though it’s in human form.
Neil smiles at me again. “It feels weird to keep calling you Wolfie now that you’re…” He gestures vaguely at my bare chest, a hint of pink creeping into his cheeks. “Why don’t we start with your name?”
Blake.
My name is on the tip of my tongue, but the letters and sounds are jumbled in my head and my mouth won’t form the word. Or maybe can’t?
I frown, then open and close my mouth a few times, but no sound comes out except a low, unintelligible croak.
What was once an involuntary reflex, the vibration in my vocal cords, my lips, and my tongue working together to form words, seems to have deserted me, and my thoughts are too scattered to put everything back together again. Apparently, no amount of conscious thought can override years of disuse.
So, I give him a pained look, trying to convey my words with only my eyes, pleading for him to understand. I rub my throat again, letting out a low whine of frustration as my gaze darts around the room before coming back to rest on his face.
“You understand me, right?” His voice is steady, soothing, as if he’s worried about how I might react.
I don’t blame him. I’m a little worried about how I might react.
Holding his gaze, I dip my chin in a nod.
“I see,” he says, lips pressing together into a thin line. “I guess that means we’re sticking to yes or no questions for now.” He reaches out to take my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “That’s fine. We’ll figure it out.”
I thread my fingers through his and return the squeeze, relishing that bit of closeness and connection.
“Are you having trouble talking? Is that why you can’t tell me your name?”
I dip my chin again.
“That makes sense, I guess. You were trapped and wolf form for who knows how long and there’s bound to be some consequences for that.
” He blows out a breath, his eyes sliding toward his friend before returning to me, a pained expression on his face.
“On that note, I understand that you’ve been through a lot, things I can’t even imagine, but you’re going to have to find a way to get a better handle on your instincts.
We’re already in enough danger without adding an uncontrollable wolf to the mix. ”
He’s right.
I hunch my shoulders and stare down at where my big clumsy fingers are intertwined with his slender, more delicate ones. The contrast is unsettling somehow and it makes me feel like fate may have made a mistake.
Neil doesn’t deserve this mess of a person I’ve become, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to let him go without a fight. He might decide to turn me away eventually, but I’m going to do everything in my power to avoid that.
I angle myself so I can meet the female’s gaze, and I tilt my head in a silent apology. I’m sorry, I say with my eyes. It won’t happen again. That’s the best I can offer at the moment, and I can only hope it’s enough.
She shoots me a weak smile and returns my nod.
Neil drags his hand down his face, glances at the clock, and shakes his head. “It’s too damn early for all this,” he says. “Why don’t we all lie down and try to get a little more sleep? Things are bound to look better in daylight and we can make a plan.”
I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep, not like this, not when it feels like my nerves are on fire and like my body doesn’t fit, but my mate needs the rest. He drove all day yesterday, and we have a long road ahead of us.
So, I crawl back under the covers, curling myself around Neil’s back and pressing my nose to his hair, a warm sense of contentment filling my chest. The feeling of my mate cradled in my arms, the heat of his body, and the sweet scent that belongs only to him manage to soothe my anxious mind, and I close my eyes as I drift off to sleep.