60. Simon
BEEP.
Where am I?
BEEP.
Who am I?
BEEP.
Why does everything hurt?
***
I open my eyes, but there’s nothing to see. The darkness is so absolute, I don’t know if I’m blind, dead, or dreaming.
I can’t move, my limbs feel weighed down and heavy, and my muscles scream at even the slightest attempt to adjust.
At least the pain means I’m alive, right?
But then again, do I want to be alive? Do I deserve to still draw breath? There’s some part of me, tucked away in the dark corners of my mind, that screams out against the injustice of my ongoing life. Their voice is aged and cracks with fury, shrieking to whoever will listen.
Their words leave a bitter aftertaste, like too much salt and unsweetened tea.
I try to relax, to ease my pain, but there’s something preventing me from doing so. Something tugging at my core, demanding and relentless in its force. I blink, trying to dispel the darkness blinding me, but it’s an exercise in futility.
I’m trapped here with no respite in sight.
***
Eons pass, my only companion the disembodied voice spewing so much venom and ire at me. I have no memory of the person I was, nor what I did to earn such loathing, but it makes me wonder if I am indeed dead, and if I’m currently floating in Purgatory or Limbo before being sent off to Hell.
Except for the pain.
It’s the constant burning ache in my chest—even when I’m not moving at all—that makes me doubt I’ve shuffled off my mortal coil. You can’t feel pain if you’re dead, after all.
Scanning the void around me, I scoff at my idiocy. There’s nothing here to see, the blackness so deep, so complete, that I can’t even see the tip of my nose.
Except…
A tiny speck glimmers in my periphery. I don’t even try to turn my head, having made that mistake some time ago. To my deepest regret.
I wait for the speck to decide what it wants to do.
The tiny speck gradually grows in size, and the way it moves resembles a bird in flight. What would normally be its tail is instead made up of faint threads, their multiple hues trailing the winged mirage, snaking through the air toward me. Three threads in particular draw my eye, their pale gold, crimson, and green glows casting enough ambient light to illuminate the form of an enormous beast padding forward. A name flickers through my brain, the two syllables bursting forth from my lips in anguished relief.
“Tálstrom!”
Amber eyes glint as they search the darkness before landing on me, and the unbridled joy and satisfaction at having found me shines in their depths. He bounds directly to me, his hide littered with scars, but still whole and strong.
I think he’s going to stop when he reaches me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he leaps up and lands on top of me, his weight both a crushing agony and welcome comfort. Swift on his heels, the winged shape and tail-threads spear into me, lighting up inside me like an explosion of fireworks. Their detonation catapults me into a new state of lucidity.
***
BEEP.
BEEP.
BEEP.
The unpleasant electronic noise bombards my ears as I ascend from the murky depths of unconsciousness to the bright harshness of reality. The astringent sting of antiseptic and bleach assault my nostrils, and my mouth both feels and tastes like something crawled inside it and died… three months ago.
A subtle nudge in my subconscious lets me know that Tálstrom is with me, and knowing I still have him on my side settles me somewhat. I blink blearily, trying to clear my vision, and I’m not surprised to find myself yet again stretched out on a hospital cot, with a myriad of wires and tubes attached to my body. I should be used to it by now, with the amount of time I’ve spent having near-death experiences over the past four and a half years or so.
What is surprising is the person nestled in the armchair beside my bed. I expected Isobel, Quin, Nox, Sila, or Cyril to be standing vigil… or even my parents. Hell, even Josiah would be a welcome sight. Never in a million years did I ever expect to wake up and see her.
The person who’s rejected all my attempts at apology or redemption.
The voice inside my head telling me I was better off dead.
Granny Loretta.
She’s perched on the cushion, a large crocheted blanket spread over her lap to keep her warm as her fingers blur. Knitting needles softly click and snick together, the soft pink yarn taking rapid shape.
Booties.
She’s knitting baby booties.
Pink ones.
A breath catches in my throat at the sight, and it’s enough to draw Granny Loretta’s attention away from her project and over to me. Her eyes sparkle with delight as she takes in my drowsy features, her dark skin contrasting with the white of her hair and gleaming smile.
“Oh, Simon. Welcome back, sweetheart. The others will be so happy to see you awake. Lemme just call the nurse so they can check you over.”
I blink, convinced by her demeanor that I must be dreaming. Either that, or I truly am dead. But she still stands and depresses the call button attached to my bed, fussing with my blankets and pillows while she waits for the nurse to arrive.
“I’d offer you some water to drink, because you must be right parched, but I don’t want to give you anything until the doctor allows it. You’ve been through a trial, my boy, but have come out the other end. Now you just need to concentrate on healing up, you and that big ol’ lion of yours. Once you’re ready we can see you back home with your mates, where you rightly belong.”
Who is this woman, and what has she done to Granny Loretta?
A soft swishing of shoes over the linoleum floor precedes the nurse into my room, and the young man wearing blue scrubs smiles broadly as he notices I’m awake and—reasonably—lucid.
“Well, hello there, sleeping beauty! You’ve had a long rest, and it’s good to see your eyes open at long last. My name’s Max, and I’ve been your day nurse for the last few weeks while you’ve been healing. Your mates warned us that you might not appreciate waking up to a room full of people wearing lab coats, so instead you get me in my plain old scrubs and Crocs. Now, let’s just check you over, and then I’ll call the doctor in. No white coats, I promise.”
The next several minutes comprise of checks of my vitals, testing my reflexes and sensations in my extremities, and an assortment of other annoying, yet necessary, assessments.
“You’re looking pretty good, my man. You can take small sips of water, ‘cause I’m sure your mouth feels like month-old roadkill right now. Is there anyone you’d like me to call to come in? I know there have been some personality conflicts—”
“It’s alright, Max,” Granny Loretta cuts in, smiling as she chivvies my nurse toward the door. “I know who needs calling, and in which order. I promised I’d keep the peace while young Simon here was recovering, and Sila won’t cross me, not if she wants me to continue making her favorite foods. You just go and get the doctor, and I’ll take care of the rest.”
It was official. I was in the Twilight Zone, and I’m pretty sure my episode would end just as horrendously as all the others.
My skepticism must be painted across my face as Granny Loretta makes her way back to my side, pouring water into a cup before turning and offering it to me.
“Ah, Simon. I can see you’re confused right now, and I don’t blame you. The last time we shared words with each other, mine were rather callous and cruel. I’ve been shown the error of my ways, and I have a lot to apologize and make up for.”
The tiny, terrifying woman lifts the cup to my mouth, holding the straw in position so I can suck down the most delicious, refreshingly tepid water I’ve ever tasted. I do my best not to gulp it all down in one go, instead allowing each sip to spread across my parched tongue before swallowing it down.
“I was so angry at you for what you did to Sila, that I let it blind me to a lot of good things that have happened because of that. If you hadn’t rejected her, then she would never have been sent to Reficio, or met my boy. He had his brothers in Bash and Nox, but until she entered their lives, they all still struggled with being accepted. I honestly despaired at times that my Kane would ever find the family he so desperately deserved. I know Stefanos and Carrie also worried about Bash, and we all worried about Nox, seeing as his father was never fit for that title.” Granny Loretta pats the bed beside my hand as her eyes lose focus, staring into the middle distance.
“Sila, she brought our boys peace and happiness, she gave them someone to protect, cherish, and nurture, and also someone who would challenge, provoke, and accept them all as they were. While what you did had unimaginable consequences, not all of them were bad.”
I clear my throat, desperate to say something, anything, that would set my world to rights once more.
“Miss Loretta,” I begin, my voice rusty and hoarse from disuse, “you have no need to apologize—”
“Oh, yes I do!” She interrupts me again, reaching out to smack my arm but stopping before she makes contact.
“Ah, sorry. You’re in enough pain already without me making things worse. But Simon, I do owe you an apology. Sila herself forgave you for rejecting her. Kane, Bash, and Nox—those three overprotective beasts—all accepted your apologies and see you as their brother. I’ve been made aware that by ignoring their grace toward you, I’m spitting all over it myself. Besides that, I’ve also been made aware that you’ve paid more than enough for your past sins.”
Granny Loretta’s dark eyes pierce through to my very soul, and I want nothing more than to erect a wall and hide behind it. She sees too much, and I don’t know if I can bear for others to know those dark pieces of my story.
“How many times, Simon?” she quietly whispers, reaching out one gnarled hand, resting her palm on an empty patch of my forearm. Her skin is like parchment, dry and slightly rough, but her touch is soft.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I rasp, but she gives no quarter.
“How many times have you died since your bonds were stripped away? How many times did they bring you back, tearing you apart and destroying you and your lion a little more each time they revived you?”
I shrug, mentally shying away from the truth.
“It doesn’t matter, Miss Loretta. It was all part of my penance.” Her glare makes me backtrack, and I sigh in resignation.
“Truthfully, I lost count after the fortieth or so instance. Tál, my lion, he’s kept count, although not all those instances were because of what I did to Sila.”
Granny Loretta continues to stare at me until I answer to her satisfaction.
“Fifty-seven times in the first two years after my bonds were stripped from me, and another twelve at the hands of Vieux Sang. Thirteen if you count this last time.”
Granny Loretta pales so much that I’m worried she’s about to keel over, but she swallows and nods, gently patting my arm as she digests my truth.
We don’t get the chance to continue our conversation, as at that moment Max returns with my doctor in tow. I sigh, closing my eyes tiredly in resignation at the prospect of yet more prodding and poking.
***
I end up falling asleep while the doctor is attending me, and when I wake up again, Granny Loretta has been replaced with a trio that makes my heart ache.
My family.
Quin is in the chair, gently bouncing Arina on his knees in an attempt to amuse her. It’s working.
Isobel is fussing with the various pieces of furniture around the room, and my chest twinges as I feel the ghost of her anxiety. I wish our bonds hadn’t been destroyed, but at least we’re all still alive to reforge them. Well, I hope we can reforge them. Even if we can’t, I meant every promise I made them all, and I will stay by their sides until my—hopefully distant—dying breath.
Quin’s head jerks up, the movement so sudden it makes me wince.
“Simon!” he barks out, “you’re awake!”
Isobel spins around to face me, her freckles standing out against the pallor of her skin, her beautiful eyes red-rimmed from crying.
“Simon!” she sobs and launches herself at me.
My breath oofs out of me at the impact, but I refuse to complain. Besides, it strangely doesn’t hurt. Instead, having Isobel in my arms again feels… right.
“Izzy, sweetheart, you need to move over a smidge. Arina wants her other daddy.”
I’ve never heard sweeter words, and my world is complete as Isobel shifts to my other side, allowing Quin to snuggle Arina onto my chest, helping me to hold her in place with his own hands. All three of them are touching me, and my chest burns with love and acceptance.
I’m home.
“Can you feel them?” Isobel whispers into my chest, and I frown at her question.
“Feel what?” I reply.
“Our bonds. Aziza, the shifter who brought you back to us, also helped to restore our bonds. They were in pretty dire straits, but another shifter has been coming in every day and working on repairing them all.”
I stare at Isobel in shock, then close my eyes and reach out for my bonds.
They’re there. Faint, tattered, and battered, but there.
Tears swell behind my eyes and clog my throat. Tál brushes alongside my inner thoughts, radiating warmth and comfort.
Not alone, he rumbles to me, and I can’t argue with that.
I’m a trembling, emotional wreck, but I open my eyes and beseech my mates.
“Tell me everything?”
***
“Knock knock,” Granny Loretta’s voice calls out as she pushes open the door to my room. My mind is still reeling from the information both Quin and Isobel have dumped on me this afternoon, but everything is going to be fine because I have my bonds back!
Arina is awake and gurgling happily in my arms. At some point, Max had come in to check on me and had raised the bed enough for me to be in a more upright position. It’s made holding and playing with our little cub so much easier.
“Oh, lookit y’all! Simon, you’re looking so much better than this morning, you’re getting some color back. If you like, I can bring in some homemade chicken-noodle soup for you, fill it full of vegetables as well to help you build up your strength?”
I’m still trying to come to grips with Granny Loretta’s change in attitude, so don’t really say much in response. She takes my awkward grimace as agreement, though, so that’s something.
“Oh, hello little cub, are you happy that Uncle Simon is awake again?” Granny Loretta coos at Arina, digging around in her massive bag to pull out one of the completed booties.
“I’ve been knitting these for you. I made them a little bigger so you can wear them for longer. What say you, Momma, will she like them, do you think?”
Arina takes one look at Kane’s great-grandmother and starts screaming. I gawk at the crestfallen expression on Granny Loretta’s face, because she has a reputation for being a baby-whisperer. Arina isn’t having any of it, though. She squirms in my arms, trying to get away from her arch-nemesis, and I gingerly shuffle her around to my far side.
“Give her time, Miss Loretta. I don’t know why she’s acting out this way, but she’s been rather unsettled these last few weeks with Simon being gone. Now that he’s awake, she’ll probably settle back down into the happy baby she was when she was first born. He’s been her favorite person from day one. He’s also not her uncle, but her other daddy. She has two.”
Isobel’s soft admonishment to Granny Loretta is both discomforting and awe-inspiring. When Isobel had admitted how both she and Sarai had cornered the matriarch and laid into her regarding her treatment of me, I didn’t think it possible. But the proof is before my eyes, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
“Hey, now, Angel,” I soothe softly, using my nickname for her to calm her from her tantrum, “Miss Loretta isn’t gonna hurt you. One day, you’re gonna meet your uncles and aunt, if you haven’t already. The biggest one, your Uncle Kane, will teach you how to bake the very best white chocolate and cranberry cookies. He’s Miss Loretta’s great-grandson, and he learned the recipe from her. So how about you give her a chance, hmmm? Besides, she’s making you the softest, prettiest booties you’ll ever have for your feet. That deserves a smile, doesn’t it?”
A spark of warmth flickers in my chest as Arina stops her wailing, her long, dark lashes clumping wetly together as she blinks up at me. Her adorable, chubby face breaks into a smile, and she happily gurgles and waves her fists in the air. She’s gotten so big, and my heart aches as I realize just how much I’ve missed while unconscious.
“There’s my little sunbeam. How about you give some of that love to Miss Loretta? No more tears or grumps, because you’re better than that.”
With that said, I turn Arina in my arms so she’s once again facing Granny Loretta. The older woman slowly approaches, reaching her hands out and looking at Isobel, Quin, and then me as if requesting permission before lifting Arina into her arms.
Arina continues to burble away happily.
Tear-filled eyes meet mine as Granny Loretta mouths, “Thank you!” to me, nuzzling her nose against Arina’s hair and breathing in her baby smell. She doesn’t keep her for long, returning our cub to my arms after only a couple of minutes.
“Thank you, Simon,” Granny Loretta murmurs softly, leaning over to brush my hair away from my eyes. “I’ve been longing to hold a grand-cub again but didn’t want to put any pressure on Sila or the boys. If y’all are happy for me to act as honorary grandmother, it’d be my honor and pleasure to be that for y’all. Either way, no more of this ‘Miss Loretta’ from you or your mates. It’s Granny Loretta, or just Granny. I have quite a few years to catch up on, and I don’t want to waste one more moment with nonsense formality.”
Pressing a rather surprising kiss to my forehead, Granny pats my hand with hers before pulling away.
“Now, I actually came to warn y’all that you’re about to be inundated with visitors. Isobel, I understand that Simon is your mate, but please, don’t go and have Sila barred from the hospital again. I apologize in advance for any snarkiness she might spout, but that’s her default setting when she’s worried. Kane is under strict orders to keep her contained, and as Cyril and his mates will also be here, they can keep her in hand. Now, I’m going to go have a little chat with your doctor, Simon, and see when we can get you out of here and back to where you’ll be more comfortable. Behave!”
With that last, stern warning ringing in our ears, Granny Loretta packs up her bag and leaves the room.
All of a sudden, a wave of emotion slams into me, and I hurriedly hand Arina over to her mother. Something tells me I’m about to be emotionally and physically overwhelmed by my other bond mates, and I’m gonna need both hands free to deal with them all.
Tálstrom chuffs inside me, and I smile.
I know, Tál. I wouldn’t have it any other way, either.