Chapter 3
I could hear Keke crying, but it sounded like her blanket was on her face. Mama was cooking, so I would be a good big sister and go check on her. I tried being extra quiet, not wanting to make more noise to fully wake her up. I would pick her up and put her back to sleep if I could. Mama was always so tired and busy. I liked helping her when I wasn’t at school. Daddy was always gone with Mister Ice, Mister Joshua, and Mister Mo.
Although I was only eight years old, I knew how to do a lot of adult things. Mama was teaching me how to wash clothes and cook. I loved every minute of it. Now that I had a little sister, I could teach her everything Mama taught me. I quietly made my way down the hallway and slowly opened her door.
Mister Mo was in her bedroom. Something wasn’t right about that. He only came inside to use the bathroom, then he would go back outside with Daddy. I eased into the room without making a sound to see if he was trying to pick up Keondra. She was only ten months old and needed at least two naps a day. As I peered around his large frame, I saw his hand over her mouth.
A frown graced my face. I was about to scream at him until I saw his fingers going in and out of her diaper. I was frozen, especially when I looked up at him to see the evil grin he had on his face. He pulled his gun from his waistband and pointed it at me.
I woke up in a sweat, panicking and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I closed my eyes after standing from the bed and did my best to take deep breaths. It was a struggle, though, because I felt like I didn’t have enough air. Lifting my arms in the air, I tried again. It seemed that helped a little but not quite enough.
Tears fell down my cheeks as I tried to figure out what ignited this shit within me again. I was over this shit a year or so ago. The counseling had helped tremendously, and I hadn’t had a dream about it in a long time. I went to the bathroom and started the shower as I panted, still struggling to breathe. I supposed I was having an anxiety attack, provoked by the dream I was having.
I started having anxiety after witnessing my sister’s abuse. That man threatened my entire family to keep us from telling my dad. Yonkers was feared on the streets of Houston, and because of that, we always thought we were safe from the world. Unfortunately, he unknowingly invited the devil into our home. Although he tried to hide his activity from us, I knew what he was doing. He rarely brought “Yonkers” home because he didn’t want his three daughters to be exposed to that side of him, but I saw it anyway.
I loved my daddy, but after that happened with Keke, I began to resent him. Mo molested my little sister for two, almost three years. My mama knew it, but he threatened to kill us if we said anything. All that time, we were living in fear. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t tell my daddy, but Mama said that she wanted to protect Daddy and the rest of us. I was angry that she sacrificed Keke to protect him and us.
I wanted him to suffer for what he did to her, and he finally had, thanks to Vegas. He loved Keke so much. Him doing that proved that he would do anything for her. While Keke said he didn’t like Mo, Mo wasn’t on his radar until she wanted to kill him. I hated what I’d done to my sister. It was a horrible lapse of judgment. That should have been a conversation between my mama and me. I was only thinking of myself and not how that news would affect Keke and Sasha. It was all fucked up, and if she never wanted to speak to me again, I would have had no one to blame but myself.
When I left Houston for college, I promised myself I wouldn’t fuck with no thug-ass niggas. While my father didn’t know what happened, I felt like he failed us by bringing that grimy ass nigga around us. Surely, he had to know that man couldn’t be trusted. I couldn’t understand why he would do that when he went through so much trouble keeping us out of that world. The men that were loyal to him rarely came around us because they knew how he felt about us being exposed to that life.
Ice and Joshua, Jungle’s and Vegas’s fathers, respected that. Mo, obviously, did not. He didn’t respect Yonkers at all for him to do the bullshit he did. I closed my eyes again, still trying to catch my breath. Going back to my room, I sat on the side of the bed and pulled my nightshirt over my head. My body was soaking wet. It felt like I was battling an internal fire. When my phone started ringing, it only made my panic attack worse, especially when I saw it was Vegas.
I quickly grabbed it and answered while holding my chest. Before I could say a word, he said in a soothing voice, “Breathe, sis. Close your eyes and relax. Lay on your back and lift your arms over your head.”
I put the phone on speaker and set it on the nightstand and did as he said. I wasn’t sure why he was calling so late, but I was grateful he called. It couldn’t have been an emergency since he was trying to help me through this.
“Listen to my voice, Yunique. I don’t know why you’re struggling, and I don’t even know why I felt like something was wrong, but I’m glad I called. Whatever is bothering you, it ain’t worth what it’s doing to your health. Nothing can be bad enough to kill you. Business is good, you have a new god baby, and the family is great. Anything else can be worked out. You hear me?”
I sat up, breathing so much easier. “I hear you. Thank you, Vegas. I just…”
“You still having nightmares, aren’t you?”
“I had one tonight. I hadn’t had one in a long time. I don’t know what triggered it.”
“Okay. Maybe you should call my mama and schedule an appointment. She’s still awake.”
I glanced at the clock to see it was nearly one o’clock in the morning. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath. “You’re right. I’ll call right now. Thanks, brother.”
“Anytime, Nique. See you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
I ended the call and called Doctor King. Normally, I would have called G, but I knew after having a new baby in the house, she needed her rest. They’d been home for a couple of days now, and Gentry was enjoying every moment with his baby girl. I found Doctor King’s number and called.
“Hello? Yunique? Are you okay?”
I smiled slightly at her concern. “Hey, Doctor King. At the insistence of Joel, I’m calling you. I had a dream tonight, and somehow, he sensed I was having a hard time. It sent me into a panic attack and night sweats.”
She mostly called Vegas by his birth name, which was Joel. She hated that street shit, too, but she loved the hell out of her baby. I could hear her take a deep breath. “You wanna talk now, or did you want to schedule an appointment?”
“It’s late. I just want to try to go back to sleep. Vegas said you were awake, and that’s why I called.”
“You wanna come in tomorrow, since you don’t work on Fridays?”
“Yes, please. Can I come early? Do you have any appointments?”
“I’m free as a bird tomorrow. Is nine early enough?”
“Yes, ma’am. See you at nine. Thank you again.”
“Anytime, Yunique.”
I ended the call then went to take a shower. The thought that plagued me was that a thug ass nigga like Vegas was able to calm me down. I slowly shook my head. My qualms shouldn’t be with men that happened to be street pharmacists at one time. They should be with perverted ass muthafuckas like Mo, who molested my sister. I had to get this under control before my appointment with Arranged Hearts next week.
Monday couldn’t get here fast enough. I was starting to hate being alone all the time. I’d been alone for twenty-two years, ever since I moved out here. Although I’d had boyfriends and dated, there hadn’t been a serious relationship of any kind. At the first sign of trouble, I dropped their asses, no questions asked. That said a lot. That meant they weren’t for me if I could drop them so easily.
I got into the shower, hoping I would be able to wash up and move to the other side of the bed to start over. There was no way I would change sheets and Lysol my mattress tonight. If I did all that, I would be awake for longer than I intended to be. It was bad enough I had to take a shower. I was literally soaked, like someone had thrown a bucket of water on me.
Yeah, I have to get this together. I let the water soak me as I mulled over the questions I would ask Doctor King tomorrow. There was no way I would be able to function in a relationship if I couldn’t function alone. Everyone had their own issues and nuances. I wouldn’t be able to deal with whatever having a spouse brought if I had too much already on my plate. This shit with my past was threatening to take me out. Maybe I would need medication after all.
“Think about what happened yesterday. Even things you don’t think matter. Something subtle could have triggered it.”
I was sitting across from Doctor King, trying to recall the occurrences of the day before. I barely slept last night, and I wasn’t sure how I would enjoy a night out on the town with my family if I was so drained I could barely keep my eyes open. After my shower, I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. I remembered seeing four a.m. on my clock before I finally fell asleep. So, eight a.m. seemed to come quicker than normal.
“Well, when I woke up, I ate some oatmeal and fruit. I stopped at Starbucks on my way to work and got a latte. I had a couple of patients, one getting a filling.” My eyes drifted to the ceiling as I thought. “I had a new patient… Shit. That’s it.”
Doctor King frowned. “Your new patient triggered you?”
“Yes, but I didn’t realize it until now. He flirted with me, and honestly, I’m extremely attracted to him. The man was gorgeous. He had to be at least six four, had amazing, medium brown skin, a majestic-looking beard, and a swag that screamed street nigga. That was what did it. I’m attracted to a man that was in the streets. I can tell without even speaking to him about it. He could still be in the streets for all I know. And what made it worse was that he had a Houston type accent. I’m willing to bet he’s from H-Tine. The craziest part is that there was something familiar about him.”
“Well, if he’s from Houston, do you think you’ve probably crossed paths with him at some point?”
“It’s possible, but I usually don’t forget a face, no matter how much it has evolved. Like, Vegas and Jungle… I couldn’t forget their faces if I tried. I hadn’t seen him in twenty years, and I knew exactly who he was at first sight.”
“You know what I find interesting?”
“What’s that?”
“Vegas doesn’t trigger you. He’s every bit of what you just described this man to be. Has he ever triggered you?”
“No, he hasn’t. I was uncomfortable around him but not triggered. It’s weird. Mister Moore was somewhat aggressive, but I could tell he was practicing restraint. It was like he wanted to say more than what he did. When he bumped into me and kept me from falling, I could have melted in his arms.”
I slid my hand down my face. This was so confusing. How could a man that triggered me make me feel that way at the same time? I looked up at Doctor King to find her staring at me sympathetically. Her eyebrows were slightly lifted and scrunched together. There really wasn’t anything she could tell me that she hadn’t already told me.
“Yunique, have you totally released the past? That’s the only thing I can think of that would have caused this. You already knew Vegas from school, so maybe this happened because he’s a stranger. Your body is rejecting your mental by being attracted to him. Your subconscious is telling you to stay away from him by associating him with your trauma. One day, you are going to have to face your fears, and this man may be just the one to help you do that.”
The smirk on her lips made me smile slightly. “Well, I won’t have to see him for another six months. Hopefully, these dreams will stop. He was so fine though.”
She chuckled. “You should have gotten his phone number.”
I waved her off. “He’s my patient. I couldn’t cross that line of professionalism.”
“I get it. I was just joking. Hopefully, talking through it helps. You know you can call me any time of night. As your therapist, I’m always available.”
“I know, but I still don’t want to bother you when I think you’re asleep.”
She slowly shook her head. “Don’t be hardheaded, Yunique. We’re better than that. We are family. I considered you my daughter when G started working with you, but when Kee married my baby, it solidified things. I want to see you be your best self, mentally. Whatever is standing in the way of that is what we have to deal with. However, you have to do the work. You know that already.”
“I do. I’m trying to reprogram my brain and thought processes. It’s been difficult, and I thought I had succeeded until last night. I didn’t even think about thug niggas from Houston when I saw him, but I suppose I did subconsciously.”
She nodded repeatedly. “That’s exactly right. We have to tame that subconscious, but it takes time. I’m gonna need to see you at least once a month now to measure your progress.”
“Yes, ma’am. Go ahead and schedule me in for two weeks from today. If I need you sooner, I’ll call and reschedule.”
“Okay. You know Ali, Jungle, Rondo, Seneca, and Arrow, along with their spouses, are all out here. Actually, practically all the Berottes are here as well. So y’all should have a great time tonight.”
“Oh, Lord. We gon’ mess around and take over wherever we go. I’m sure G is going to hate she missed this turn up.”
“She’s already complaining about it. When Shy said they were going to enjoy themselves, she went off, telling them they weren’t on vacation. I think even Jungle’s sister is here too.”
“Fawn?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, God. I know we’re going to have a crazy ass good time,” I said as I stood. “I’m going to need a nap to ensure I get to enjoy every minute of it.”
She chuckled. “We will be babysitting the small army of kids. Jungle’s and Jericho’s kids stayed with Miss Marcellus, and Isaiah and Seneca’s kids stayed with their in-laws. Thankfully, we only have Vegas’s, Giselle’s, Rondo’s, Shy’s, Ali’s, DJ’s, Jamel’s, and Daniel’s. That’s still more than enough. Jesus. Thank God for the in-laws that kept their grandkids. That still leaves us with fifteen of them or so.”
“Whew! Y’all can handle it between you, Mister Daniel, Mister Sheldon, and Missus Anissa,” I said, then laughed as she side-eyed me.
I hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek. She grabbed my hand. “Get ready to work hard on this. I hate to see you dipping back to where you used to be.”
“I’m ready. I want to be better. I don’t want to have to deal with this for the rest of my life.”
I stood from my seat, and Dr. King joined me. She gave me a soft smile and head nod, then led me to the front. I scheduled my next appointment and headed home to get in a much-needed nap before tonight’s festivities.