Chapter 9
Cesar
Pleasure shouldn’t come first, yet Eli’s words refuse to leave my head as I finish my meal. In my mind, I already have him on his knees, tonguing my cockhead, but he’s worked so hard to prepare this amazing meal. Cleaning up is the least I can do.
I ignore my hardening dick and rise, gathering all the dishes. Eli will soon be back, and when I take him up on the proposition that’s burning me from the inside as if I’ve swallowed a pint of embers, I want this place to be spotless for him.
It’s not even Friday, but Sullivan is gone, and my new sun wants me to lavish him with attention, so I will. That’s what he needs me for, apart from protection, and I want nothing more than to fulfill his wishes.
It’s strange how long he’s been out in the cold. The only thing still keeping me from going to check on him is the last cup I’m washing. He’s not from anywhere in the south, so I’m not sure why he seemed so excited about snow.
From the moment I took him under my wing, I’ve barely let him out of my sight.
Even when he showered, I listened to the sounds of water, reassured that I know where he is.
I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. It’s a much more intense need for protection than it ever was with Sullivan.
Like I’m growing anxious when he’s not around.
As soon as I put down the cup, I rush over to get my boots and a pair of sweatpants, because I can’t take this separation any longer.
The fresh scent of the forest hits me with so much intensity it’s distracting, and the darkening sky makes it harder to work out where Eli is, but I finally spot him. He didn’t stay on the porch, as I suggested.
He’s much farther away, and there’s an obvious trail in the snow where he’s waded through it. Close to the treeline, he’s… is he making a snowman?
“Eli?” I call out, admiring the heaps of untouched snow surrounding the cabin. It’s bitterly cold, but I won’t freeze if I stay outside for a couple of minutes. Him on the other hand? The man’s barely got any padding on those bones. No wonder he’s eating mayo and peas just to fill that void.
He turns almost too fast. The dusky light catches wet streaks on his cheeks. He rubs his eyes the moment he spots me.
“Oh, hi. I… I’m not finished,” he points to the large snowman with twigs for arms as if to distract me, but I still catch the stifled sob.
What. The. Fuck?
I’m moving before I can even consider going back for a jacket. The cold pinches my bare arms, but I don’t care. Eli is unwell, and I’ll be damned if I let that stand for a moment longer than necessary.
“Is it your leg?” I ask, following his tracks in the snow.
“N-no. It’s just… allergies,” he says and rubs his face again with fingers so pale they look blue in this light. Was he making this snowman with his bare hands? What is this madness?
“You will make yourself sick!” I won’t let this continue.
If Eli needs to sulk for some reason, he can do that on the couch, resting his ankle and covered by a thick blanket.
I don’t bother asking for permission before picking him up, but his slender, elongated body melts into mine despite the tension pulling at his muscles.
If he said I’m free to use his body, I’ll carry him whenever I damn well please.
He gasps, but doesn’t protest, just sobs again, making all the hair on my body bristle in panic. I need to know what’s going on and fix it.
He’s unhappy, and he chose to hide that from me, because he’s a good person and doesn’t want to upset me. I’ve fucked up. I don’t yet know how, but I have, and I won't find peace until I know.
The cabin feels shockingly warm after the brief time outside, so I kick off my snow boots and carry Eli to the couch.
He’s so cold to the touch it’s fucking with my head, and once his boots are off, I sit alongside him and pull his head to my chest before covering him with one of the folded blankets.
“You’ll be comfortable here. Give me the wet jacket. ”
He takes it off with another sob. “I’m sorry. I’m so dysregulated everything overwhelms me. I promise I can be normal.”
A sharp pain passes through my chest, and I kiss the top of his head, then breathe in his lovely scent. “I’m sorry. He deserved to die, but it must still have been a shock. But don’t worry. I’m here to listen.”
I forgot he’s not like me. He can’t kill someone and forget about it by dinner time. There’s a gentleness about him that I need to protect.
Eli stares up at me and I’m so desperate for him to stop crying that I want to kiss his eyeballs. “Ah. Sullivan? No. He did, he really did…” he mutters, and I’m at my wits end.
If it’s not that, then what is it? I’ve never had a boyfriend. I don’t know how to provide emotional support. I wasn’t even allowed to make friends. This is uncharted territory for me, and this inability to decide what I’ve done wrong is killing me.
“I’m sorry… Just tell me what went wrong, and I’ll never do that again,” I promise and pull his face close. My tongue tastes his tears, and while I hate that he’s upset, their flavor makes my toes curl.
His gaze meets mine from up close, his expression cutting me so deep I could probably extract the implant out of my heart if it actually exists.
“No, it’s stupid, I… I’m the one who is sorry.
I know I’m too clingy. My exes said that, some of my family said that, and here I am again, feeling sorry for myself because you don’t want to be my boyfriend after one fuck. It’s fine, really.”
I stall and pull away, with the salty flavor still lingering in my mouth as the world around us fades. “But I thought you said… we were…boyfriends,” I mutter, now even more confused. “I don’t understand. Do you want us to be or not?”
He stares at me as if I’ve just showed him that the puppy he thought was mauled by wolves is alive and well. “But then you asked if that’s what we are, and you sounded sceptical. Like I got ahead of myself but you didn’t want to be rude.”
Anger claws its way up from deep in my chest, because he didn’t get here on his own. The people who called him clingy and refused to give him what he needed made it so, and this sweet, sweet man deserves better.
He deserves me.
I shake my head. “It’s my fault. This is very new to me.
I wasn’t allowed to date in the past, and I might blunder again, but I promise that I’ll try my best to make you happy,” I say softly, and my heart constricts at the sight of the subtle change in Eli’s vulpine face.
“And you’re not ‘clingy’. You’re lovely, and excited, and that’s hot. ”
I can almost smell some of the cortisol leaving his body. He sniffs and rubs his face, but there’s no new tears, which reassures me. “Why were you not allowed to date? Were your surroundings that homophobic?”
I feel ridiculous. Of course a normal person wouldn’t understand.
I’ve already lied to him about my profession, and it’s not as if anyone polices how much sex soldiers have in their free time.
There is no good way to answer this question, and I shrug, feeling the weight of my embarrassment drag down my shoulders.
“It was… a matter of discipline. When I worked for Sullivan, he wanted me on standby at all times. I would only have sex on Fridays and was meant to use the rest of the week for self-development and training,” I admit, looking away from him.
Living it doesn’t mean I don’t understand how insane that all sounds.
There’s a reason why I’ve never revealed this to any of my hookups, but as embarrassing as it is that I let someone dictate such intimate details of my life, if we are to be together, then I want Eli to know.
He reaches for me from under the thick blanket and strokes my side with his cold fingers.
As though I’m the one who needs comforting when he was the one crying his eyes out.
“Oh my God… Cesar. That’s messed up. I didn’t know it was possible, but now I hate Sullivan even more.
Why didn’t you quit? Did he have something on you? ”
More than Eli can imagine.
Everything.
My whole life.
Loyalty.
The muscles in my face twitch, and I shrug.
“I know this isn’t normal. But now he’s gone, and you are here—” I swallow, moving my gaze up his chest. “I was raised in his household. I didn’t really have any parents,” I add, hoping it would clear things up for Eli without forcing me to say in what capacity I worked for Sullivan, or how he obtained my services.
“I’m so sorry, Cesar.”
His touch, while cold, soothes the storm in my heart, and I find myself drowning in the softness of his big gray eyes. Something’s off. He and I might have only just met, but recognizing patterns has always been a part of my job, and he can’t hide the shift in his mood this time. “What is it?”
Eli swallows and won’t look up any more. “Is this why you… had sex with me? As like… a reward for what I did?” I spot a tear sliding down his cheek again, and I need to put out this new fire fast. Seems my Eli has some self-esteem issues that go deeper than I could have imagined.
“No!” I blurt out, cupping his face. It’s hot to the touch yet soft and sweet like a warm marshmallow.
“You’re amazing. So tall, and slender, and you have that sexy low voice,” I tell him, swallowing when I run out of breath.
“You’re so funny, always talking before you think, and your smell makes my cock so hard I wish I could rub myself all over you.
I want to have you. And protect you. And I want to fuck you every day, not just on Fridays. ”
I’m relieved that I must have said the right thing when a little smile appears on his lips. “You don’t mind that I’m gray? Doesn’t feel like fucking an old man in a young man’s body, like some kind of messed-up Benjamin Button situation?”
How can I not laugh?
It bursts out of my mouth, and soon I’m shaking with the need to shed tears. “Don’t be ridiculous. Your hair is like silver and gunmetal. It’s beautiful,” I say and pull him into a deep kiss.
How is this happening?
What are the odds that in a world so full of Sullivans and those who want to be them, I happen to end up with someone who’s anything but that. All sweetness. Not even a drop of bitterness.
I love seeing his smile widen and promise myself to be more attentive so he never loses that spark. Even his fingers are getting warmer.
“Or like a very hot pigeon?”
“I don’t fuck pigeons,” I say, and when the air around us sparks, my hands dive between his thighs and open them in a motion so delicious, I find myself salivating.
“But I want you, and you did say I can have you anytime. If you let me, I will protect you, and make sure you’re happy,” I whisper, trying to rein in the intense emotion buzzing in my chest.
Our gazes are locked as Eli leans back, letting me spread his legs as wide as I wish to.
“And you’ll be my boyfriend?” he whispers, not even blinking as he watches me.
I’m already so much more than that. There’s no word for it.
My own breath scalds my insides as I look back. “I’ll be yours. And you will be mine. Only mine. Every day. Whenever I want.”
He likes that. I can see it in the way his eyes glaze over, how he nods, and how he spreads his thighs in silent invitation.