Chapter 21
Eli
Getting on board is nerve-wracking. Cesar has bribed someone to turn a blind eye to our presence on the ship, so technically we are not even registered as passengers.
By the time we step onto the deck under the watchful eye of the seaman who looks as if he could hunt down a whale with a harpoon on his own, I’m too frazzled with stress to be afraid.
The man’s beard is a pure white shade, just like the snow we are leaving behind in the glow of the artificial lights. It’s around four in the morning, and bitterly cold, but if this plan pans out, I might really have gotten away with murder.
While the ship is primarily transporting cargo, we’re not the only passengers.
I’ve already spotted a couple with Go-Pros documenting it as an “adventure”, and they aren’t alone.
Due to there being a very limited amount of cabins, most of the passengers will be setting up tents or sleeping on yoga mats in lounge areas, but my man can afford paying the premium for privacy.
Still, as we walk along the railing and watch the massive port that could have been its own city, I’m eager to enjoy the fresh air for as long as possible, because I doubt we’ll be socializing much while onboard.
I’ve got my cloth mask on, which is nice, because it keeps my face warm in the chilly wind.
Both Cesar and I lean over the railing to watch the land disappear from a secluded spot so no one bothers us.
I was so happy to help him with the tattoo issue.
It felt like a special moment between us, like I was the only one who could save him from the trauma inflicted by Sullivan’s brainwashing.
But now he’s silent and distant again. Which makes me babble out of nerves.
“Did you visit the house we’re going to often? Did you furnish it yourself? Or is it a bare bones situation?”
Cesar, who’s been watching the lights on the shore, glances my way and clears his throat. “I’ve been there once. I used to rent it out to people, so it’s furnished, but… well, redecoration is always a possibility,” he says and offers me a flat smile. “We’re off.”
“Are you excited to retire? Or afraid you won’t know what to do with your time?
” I try and poke his hand with a gloved finger.
The wind is so intense it would be hard to talk if we didn’t stand so close.
He swallows, and every second of silence shifts me closer to the edge of panic, because what is happening right now?
Is he worried that this whole thing was a mistake?
That I am a wedge in his plans for a peaceful life on his own?
Have I been too much again?
He clears his throat and speaks. “It still doesn’t feel real. I wanted this for so long, I was angry when Sullivan delayed it, but I think deep down I didn’t believe it could happen.”
A sudden gust of wind swipes up my forehead and snatches my hat.
We both bend over the railing to grab it, but it’s too late.
It’s gone in the waves in seconds. I groan, because now my hair flaps about everywhere.
We’ll probably soon go to our cabin, but I don’t want to leave this conversation unfinished.
“But you’re happy now, right? That we’re going there? Or are you questioning the location itself?”
The gasp he makes has my feet fusing with the steel floor, so I steady myself, pinning my gaze to his mouth.
The cold wind rustles his dark hair in every direction as he grabs both my hands and leans his back against the taffrail.
The stormy water, and the city cease to exist, because all I can see is him.
“We need to talk.”
My stomach clenches, and I wonder if I should be jumping into the waves myself under the pretense of finding my hat. Our bubble is about to burst, and I don’t want it to. Can I blame tears forming over my eyes on the wind?
“What did I do?”
Cesar’s mouth goes slack. “What?”
I clench my hands on the railing. I can hardly breathe, but I’ll get through this. I’m resilient, even if impulsive. “What do you want to talk about? I’m guessing I did something to… frustrate you?”
He licks his lips and squeezes my hands with more force.
The cranes passing behind him are like monsters that might snatch my happiness away at any moment, but for now he’s still here, touching me.
“No, of course not! You’re… you’re the most incredible person I know,” he shouts when the wind blows at us from the side, straight into our ears.
Cesar rolls his eyes and pulls me away from the gunwale, into a small, roofed space which, judging by the amount of cigarette butts littering the floor and the metal ashtrays, is frequented by smokers. Only one of its walls is open, and it faces another structure on the top deck.
“So what is it that you’d like to talk about? Is there a secret husband stashed away in that house?” I laugh nervously, but at this point, I’m ready for anything.
I have gotten way too invested in a new relationship, like I always do, and here comes the inevitable bucket of cold water. Too bad this time the disappointment will hurt more than all the previous times combined.
Still, I am an adult. I can take it.
Cesar swallows and once again squeezes my hands. “I’m used to thinking mostly about myself, but I don’t want this to be just about what I want. I don’t want you to feel trapped just because I’m helping you.”
“Trapped…” I repeat, confused, wondering if he’s trying to let me down gently. It’s all very confusing, because just last night he told me how amazing I am, how I’m his.
He moves his hands up my arms and settles them on my shoulders. “I will help you. I will make sure you’re safe, but you don’t owe me anything. You are free to leave me, if you wish. I would still always take care of you,” he says, ever quieter, until his voice disappears in the roar of the ocean.
I watch him, I listen, I understand the words he’s saying, but they make no sense.
“I do owe you everything. Why would I want to leave?”
One of my exes did the whole ‘oh, I’m not good enough for you’ spiel just because he actually wanted to break up, but it doesn’t feel like this with Cesar. There’s something more here, and I’ll get to the bottom of it.
Cesar swallows, his dark eye so intense it’s like there’s a storm brewing inside him.
“I never want you to feel obligated to me the way I was to Sullivan. I’d kill a hundred more men just to be with you, and the beastly part of me wishes to keep you in my basement, but I…
” his voice breaks a little, “I don’t ever want you to feel like I did.
Like I couldn’t get out. You need to know you’re free to leave, and I would help you do that.
I’d establish you in some country far away—”
Suddenly I understand everything he’s trying to say. All the tension inside me dissolves, and I close the distance between us to hug him.
“You love me.”
He freezes, both his real eye and the fake one open wide, as if I was a snake that might kill him with a single drop of its venom. “I love you.”
I pull the mask under my chin to kiss him. “I told you it’s inside you. You care for me more than for the need to own me. That’s unselfish. That’s love. And I love you so much, Cesar. I don’t need to go anywhere without you. I’ll gladly and freely follow you to the end of the world.”
He exhales, releasing air as if it’s been choking him. “You promise? You’re staying because you want to?” he asks in a voice so heartbreakingly tender I know that if I rejected him now, the wound would never heal.
But I’d never do that. I am his, and he is mine.
I nod, my arms wrapped around him. “Yes. There’s nothing I want more than to live at your side.”
His grip tightens around me, until my feet leave the deck, and he is pressing us so close together, not a single hair could sneak in between us. “I want to make you happy. So you never regret this.”
“I have many regrets, Cesar. You will never be one.”
He gives me another kiss, this time more intense, and I can only hope we don’t have any spies around, because I can’t stop myself when his hot tongue caresses mine, his lips so soft and warm.
I wouldn’t need a coat right now, because the heat that courses through my veins thanks to his love is enough.
He loves me.
It takes a while for us to stop, but eventually Cesar pulls away with a soft smile. “Let’s go find our cabin. We’ll be on board for a while. More than enough time for you to think about how you want to decorate our new home.”
Home.
I feel like crying again. Before meeting him, I lived out of my car for over a year. Before that, my living arrangements were on shaky legs for years. And now I’ll not only have a home with the man I love, but also money to decorate it, make it our sanctuary.
He leads the way out of the shelter. The wind has gotten worse now that we’ve left the port, so he shields me and leads the way toward the nearest staircase.
The man who watched us board is still there, now wearing a woolen hat and a bright yellow jacket.
He’s only missing a long pipe to look like an old-timey seaman.
He stares into my eyes, which is uncomfortable in itself, but the way he steps toward us, eyes pinned to mine unnerves me.
“You’re the Festive Fugitive.” It’s more of a statement than a question.
Suddenly, I’m all too aware that I lost my damn hat and my gray hair flaps about in the wind like a flag. My mask is pulled down after all the kissing because I’m a dumbass, so I just stand there, petrified and unsure what to do. By now, he might have already alerted the police over the radio.
I remain frozen when Cesar steps in front of me, a bull about to charge. Or throw the man overboard. And I—don’t stop him, so maybe I’m not as good of a person as I always believed myself to be.
The seaman watches him with bright eyes, unfazed, as if he’d fought off the Kraken and wouldn’t be intimidated by the likes of Cesar. “What? You’re the one who didn’t notice he removed the mask. At this rate, the whole ship will know we have a celebrity on board,” he adds with a raspy chuckle.
I pull up my mask despite it being too late now. I also pull up my hood, which gets instantly blown back. My heart beats so fast I’m on the verge of fainting, but the man doesn’t… seem antagonistic?
“Your secret’s safe with me, kid. Good riddance, if you ask me. Go on.” He shakes his head and steps back to the railing to let us through. “And hide that mop on your head. You got this far, don’t ruin it.”
I swallow and nod, not bothering to smile, since the mask would now hide it. “Thank you. I will.” I pull my hood on, and this time keep it in place with my hand.
If Cesar thanks him too, he does it in silence. My reality is overwhelming, so I walk on weak knees and let my man steer me in the right direction, just like he has since we met. For once, I don’t have to carry all the burdens myself, I have someone to shoulder them with me.
Someone who loves me, and for whom I matter. Someone to cherish, and to spend every Christmas with. Someone for whom I’d kill or die.
“Alaska, here we come,” I say as soon as we’re in our cabin, and hug Cesar.
He closes me in his strong arms, and I know I’m safe already.