Chapter 25
Chapter twenty-five
Dyfri
That was a long, exhausting day. One of those where it feels as if everything you are juggling is about to come crashing down.
But I think everything has been patched up, and now it is finally time for bed.
As I slip under the covers and sink into the mattress, it is hard not to let out a sigh of relief.
I have to contain it because I’m married now, and it’s my honeymoon, and that means no privacy, not even when ready for sleep.
Jack puts his glasses and book away. He turns off the lamp. There may be no privacy, but there is Jack. Warm and solid and kind. Handsome and willing to please.
My cock throbs. I scowl. Again? Already? I should find the time to see a healer. This new frequency of arousal cannot be healthy.
But wait. For once in my life, this is not an inconvenient problem to be dealt with. Jack is right here next to me. My husband. He likes playing with me, and I like playing with him. This isn’t a curse, it is a blessing. A night of fun with Jack.
Grinning, I roll over to face him. I slide over and close the small distance between us.
He flinches as if I’ve stabbed him.
I freeze. My heartbeat is the only sound. The only thing I can feel. Pulsing through me hard enough to make me shake.
“Jack?”
His breathing is erratic and uncertain. It’s dark in our bedchamber, but not so dark that I can’t see that his eyes are wide and troubled.
“I…um… have a headache,” he stutters.
My chest constricts painfully. My stomach does an awful dropping thing that makes me feel as if I am dying.
“I see,” I try to say coldly, but even my voice betrays me. It falters and wobbles.
I roll over and give Jack my back. I blink furiously and hold my breath so it doesn’t hitch.
I thought he liked me. I thought we had reached an accord. I stupidly thought that Jack might be someone I could trust one day. Someone who might guard my back and stand by my side. Someone to chase the loneliness away.
But he doesn’t want me. Not even my body.
I’ve never genuinely attempted to initiate sex with anyone before, so no doubt I made a pig’s ear of it.
Even so, it shouldn’t be hard. Seducing people isn’t.
People are inherently horny. So I’m sure it wasn’t my approach that was wrong. It’s just me, I’m wrong.
“Dyfri…” The sad pity in his voice is awful. The worst thing I have ever heard. He knows he has wounded me. I haven’t even been able to hide it from him.
“Don’t!” I snap. It feels as if claws are tearing at my heart.
Furiously, I rub at my eyes. I’m such an idiot for having all these weak and pathetic thoughts. I know better than that. I’ve had a lifetime to learn that people don’t like me. Too unseelie for the seelie court, too seelie for the unseelie. Clearly too something for Jack.
“Please let me explain, Dyfri. Mabon told me about… who… when you became a rhocyn…”
I’m fleeing towards the door before I’ve realised I’m moving. I grab the handle and fling it open. I step forward and slam to a stop as if I’ve hit a force field.
What am I doing? I can’t leave. It is my honeymoon. Leaving is forbidden.
Behind me on the bed, Jack is sitting up. I’m still reeling from what he just said. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. Now it feels as if I am falling and falling and I’m never going to stop.
“Dyfri, please don’t go,” he begs. “Can we talk about it?’
“What is there to talk about?” I attempt to seethe, but it sounds pathetic and defeated instead. Broken and lost and so very, very sad.
Jack sucks in a breath. “I didn’t ask Mabon. I wasn’t prying. He just came out with it.”
That does sound like Mabon. He has betrayed me without even meaning to. Not that it was a great secret. All of court knows. They all love to talk about it even all these years later. Jack was always going to find out.
“I hate that my size scares you.”
“I’m not scared of you!” The words snap out of me, and I blink. True words. Falsehoods are hard to speak. These came easily.
“You have every reason to be,” Jack says softly.
I whirl to face him. “I do not need your useless pity! You can keep your disgust. I am not a weak thing to be scorned!”
Jack swallows audibly. “I know you aren’t weak, Dyfri. Heck, right now your eyes are glowing red, and I’m pretty sure you could click your fingers and explode my brain or something.”
I blink. I need to calm down. Regain control. Emotional outbursts never achieve anything. They are useless and pointless and a sign of a lack of discipline.
I can taste Jack’s fear. Sharp and acrid on my tongue. My rage has scared him. It should be pleasing, satisfying, but for some reason I hate it. I don’t want Jack to fear me. I want him to like me.
“I’m so sorry, Dyfri. When Mabon said that… and I remembered the way you looked at me when we first met, it broke my heart. I hate that I remind you of that monster.”
I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing deeply. “You recoiled in disgust from my touch because you didn’t want to scare me?”
Jack lets out a heavy exhale. I hear him run his hand through his stupid hair.
“You snuck off back to the fey court without telling me and then you brushed me off when I asked where you had gone.” He sighs again.
“I hate you going back there. I worry about you. And I hate that you don’t trust me when I thought you did.
And then with the stuff Mabon told me…” He’s silent for a moment.
“It was a lot and I handled it like a right prick. I’m so sorry, Dyfri. ”
I open my eyes. He is staring at me with his stupid puppy-dog expression.
I take one last breath and then plaster a sad smile on my face.
I’m mortified and ashamed of the things he now knows about me.
The first days of our marriage, when he didn’t even know what a rhocyn was, let alone that I was one, seem like a distant dream.
The knowledge of how he must now view me, is crushing and abhorrent.
Strong enough to extinguish my last stubborn flickering flame of hope.
He sees me as a broken, repulsive thing now, and it is too much to bear.
Nevertheless, I cannot allow ridiculous emotions to destroy everything I am planning. The fate of my people, the fate of worlds, relies on my not acting like a child. I must swallow this hurt and move on.
My plans require Jack. I need Jack to want to work with me. I need him to like me.
“I may have overreacted,” I say.
The spark of hope that ignites in Jack’s eyes cuts deeply. I ignore the pain and walk back to the bed.
“I have never been good with rejection,” I confess.
Jack smiles ruefully. “Is anyone?”
“You worry about me going to court?” I slip back under the covers. My heart is doing a stupid fluttery thing, even though I don’t know for sure if Jack’s words are true. Humans can lie as easily as they breathe. And that makes far more sense than him actually caring about me.
“Of course I do. You’re my husband.”
“And that means something?” I reply, bringing up the ridiculous claim he makes.
My back is to him, but I still know he is smiling.
“Yeah, it does.” He says it so softly it tingles over my skin and makes me shiver.
He goes carefully still behind me. “Um… do you still need a hand?”
I jolt. Fuck. I do. And my reaction to his words gave it away.
Stupid fucking stubborn biology.
I take a deep breath, and roll over to face my husband. If our awful argument hasn’t deflated my cock, nothing will. Save for feeding it what it wants.
If he can bear to touch me, I’ll use it.
Jack’s eyes are still wide and dark, but now there is a gleam of desire. A spark of lust.
Something inside me wilts. As if my soul is withering. But sadly not my cock.
I’m being ridiculous again. This is fantastic. Seducing Jack was the original plan, back before I had ever laid eyes on him. I need him to like me, and getting him to like sex with me is a very straightforward way to achieve that.
I slide closer to him. This is nothing I haven’t done more times than there are stars in the sky. I can do this.
He has realised he is horny and that he can in fact tolerate using me to sate his need. It is perfect. If a little ironic.
We’ve gone full circle. Back to square one. I’m propositioning him. But hopefully this time he won’t reject me.
Jack blinks. He frowns. “You don’t want to, do you? You are still upset with me, but you think you have to.”
What the hell? He can’t know that. Nobody ever sees my reluctance unless I need them too. Nevermind the sheer audacity of him rejecting me again.
“Why wouldn’t I want to?” I smile flirtatiously because I’m not giving up that easily.
His frown deepens. “Please tell me the truth, Dyfri. Say the exact words, say, I don’t think I have to be intimate with you.”
My breath hisses sharp and jagged. Those damn fucking briefing notes. Jack knows too much. About everything.
I stare into his eyes. All I can see is kindness and concern. His lust is muted. I’m not going to be able to coax it back.
“All these years I thought I was an excellent actor,” I huff in bewildered defeat. I’m sure the outrage and agony of my second rejection in one night will hit any moment now.
This night is turning out to be relentless. Unforgiving and cruel. Slashing through all my carefully crafted walls.
His lips curl in a wry smile. “You are an excellent actor.”
“Then how did you know?”
“It was something in here,” he says, placing his hand over his heart. “Something in my heart told me.”
I stare at him. Incredulous.
His expression softens. His hand moves. It hovers near my face as if he wants to touch me, but he is holding back.
“I see you, Dyfri Wyf Jackogi,” he whispers.
My heart is going crazy. It has lost all rhythm and is floundering like a fish on dry land.
“I need to apologise more. Until you believe it.” he says. “Until you know I think you are marvellous and magnificent.”
I’m blinking again. Furiously. What is this man doing to me?
“Can I give you a hug?” he says.
Dazedly, I nod, and the next thing I know, I’m smooshed against his broad chest and his arms are around me.
This time, all the blinking in the world can’t stop my tears from falling.