3. Shame of Judgment
SHAME OF JUDGMENT
“There is my baby,” Tasha said hours later when she walked into the daycare center.
“Mama,” Micah said, his little legs pumping as fast as they could to make his way toward her.
It still amazed her she’d created this tiny human.
She refused to let the man who fathered her baby make her look at her son in anger, hurt, or even frustration.
In her mind, Shane was an anonymous sperm donor. Why not? That was what she’d told her parents, but they didn’t believe her. And they finally stopped pushing.
Could be that someone jokingly asked if that was why she was being so secretive and her silence turned into a rumor that she decided to never correct.
All but Margo knew the truth.
“How was he today?” she asked Hannah when she lifted her son in the air, tossed him a bit, then caught him bringing him to the ground as if she was trying to save a drop.
He giggled like he always did.
“Perfect,” Hannah said. “He’s just a ray of sunshine. Must take after his mother.”
“He does.” Which wasn’t a lie. Shane was always happy too. Hell, why wouldn’t he be? He was banging two women at once and both were obviously too na?ve to question his split life.
“Tell Mommy what you did today, Micah.”
Tasha looked at the toothy grin her son had. Four on the top and four on the bottom. Oh, those dang sleepless nights. She knew more would be on the horizon, but for the moment, her boy was out at seven and up at six. She’d take that any day of the week.
“What did you do today?” she asked, her voice dripping with humor that made her son giggle.
“Fingers.” He held them all up, spread wide, and wiggling.
She bent and pretended to bite them. “What did your fingers do?”
“Pain.”
“Pain?” she asked, her eyes wide. “Did he hurt them?”
“Paint,” Hannah corrected. “It’s drying right now. Want to see what he did?”
“Absolutely,” she said. “Did you paint me a picture, Micah?”
His head was bobbing up and down, his light brown hair was thin and almost floating with the movement.
They moved toward the wall where the pictures were all laid out on tables. “He did this one.”
She looked at the smears of red and blue, making it almost black and purple. It was dark and gloomy and nothing like her child’s personality.
But he was nodding his head as if it were a Picasso and in her mind it absolutely was.
“That’s wonderful,” she said. “I love it.”
“He had a lot of fun,” Hannah said.
“Then I might have to get him some for home.” Along with an old T-shirt of hers to put on him and an easel with papers under it. Maybe he could do it outside on the patio.
Just another toy to add to the growing list of things for her son.
Sometimes she wished it weren’t just her. That it wasn’t so hard to do it on her own.
But she’d made that decision in life, and she wouldn’t regret it. It was better than having to deal with Shane just to get support.
Or to feel the shame of judgment when people found out she’d been dating a married man. As if she knew he was married and was some home wrecker.
It might be better than the alternative. Pity for being too stupid to figure out what he’d been doing.
“I’m sure he’d love that,” Hannah said. “See you tomorrow.”
She carried Micah to her car even though her son was wiggling to get down and take off as if he had propellers on his Nikes.
As thrilled as she was when he started walking at twelve months old, she wasn’t so thrilled when she realized she couldn’t walk out of the room for two seconds and he was gone.
The minute she walked in the door of their rented townhome, she set him down and watched his dash for the back corner where all his toys were stored in his box. They’d be littered across the floor in minutes, but it’d keep him occupied while she quickly changed out of her Fierce Brewing shirt.
“Don’t leave the room, Micah.”
He wasn’t paying attention, but she was. Toys were cascading through the air behind him as he searched for the exact one he wanted.
She pulled her red shirt off and tossed it in the hamper. She’d deal with laundry tonight before her shift tomorrow, even though she had more than one shirt. She worked four days, nine thirty to four. Later than her days teaching, but it wasn’t a huge deal and Micah had fun at daycare.
The extra money came in handy since she had to pay for his care for the summer anyway.
When she returned to the living room, Micah was sitting in the center of the floor, five cars lined up as if they were going to race around the teddy bears and books that were all strategically placed as a track.
She loved his imagination. How he saw something once and then tried to replicate it.
“Are you hungry, Micah?”
He nodded his head, his bright blue eyes, the same as hers thank God, widened as he said, “Food.”
The big island opened toward the living room, with her table tucked off to the side.
The townhouse she rented gave her far more space than she’d had before.
She still wasn’t thrilled about having a tenant above her, but the woman was quiet and kind, and in return, she did her best to keep Micah’s volume down without ever dimming his joy.
She popped the leftover chicken from last night into the microwave to cut up into tiny pieces for her son, then got mashed potatoes and carrots to heat the same.
Making bigger meals three times a week and eating them leftover not only saved her time and money, but her sanity when she was exhausted.
Once it was all on his plate, she set it on the table and the noise of the plastic hitting the wood was like a starting gun for her son to stand up and race toward her.
“I guess you’re hungry.” She picked him up to buckle him in the seat, then returned to the island to assemble her salad that she’d put sliced chicken over.
“Play outside,” Micah asked with his mouth full, pointing out the glass doors.
“We can,” she said. “But then you need a bath.”
“Toys,” he said. “Water.”
“Yep, you can play with your water toys.”
Because he played with everything. The only time her kid stayed still was in sleep. And since he slept so well, it was worth letting him go nuts during waking hours.
Thirty minutes later, Micah was swinging plastic golf clubs and hitting a big ball.
It wasn’t moving far, but her son didn’t know the difference.
At first she thought the gift was silly from her father to his first grandchild, but then she realized it was a bond that Ron Robinson wanted.
Something he hadn’t gotten having an only girl.
“Hi, Tasha.”
She turned her head to see Judy opening the door to her patio and stepping out.
“Hi, Judy. Micah’s not too loud, is he?”
“Nonsense,” Judy said, walking closer with a glass of wine in her hand. “He’s just a doll. My time has come and gone for a child unless I adopt.”
Oh, what she wouldn’t do for one of those glasses right now. But she limited alcohol. That was what got her into this mess. Meeting Shane out at a bar one night.
“You never know,” she said. “You might meet some man with kids.”
“I could,” Judy said, taking a healthy sip. “If I had the drive to even find a guy. Been there and done that. It seems they are all losers. I won’t try those dating sites anymore and I’m too old to cruise the bars. No one is in there my age and if they are my age, they want someone your age.”
“Or younger,” she said drily. She didn’t think thirty-two was old, but it seemed lately men in the bar thought that.
“So you know what I’m talking about.”
“Unfortunately, yes. And like you, I’ve got no time nor the patience for a man. Or any way to find one.”
“Who needs one when you’ve got that little guy for company?”
Micah swung again with all his might, missed the ball completely, twisted in a circle and then fell on his diapered bottom.
They both broke out into laughter. “You’re right. Who needs one?”
But the minute her son was in bed, she grabbed her phone and texted Margo. The conversation with Judy kept replaying in her head, mixed in with the visit and words from Jolene Fierce.
“I’m not bugging you, am I?” she asked when Margo answered.
“Nope. Just watching a movie for the tenth time with Dylan while he winds down before bed. I’m assuming Micah is out like a light.”
“He is.”
“I’m so jealous it’s not even funny. Dylan seems to have our night owl jeans. This is the only way to get him to sit still long enough to slow his body down.”
“It’s cuddle time for you and Dylan with Liam working.”
Margo’s son wasn’t in daycare for long each day. Margo worked ten to six, Liam from two until closing, and they were lucky that a neighbor ran a small home-based daycare that covered those few overlapping hours three days a week. Between shifting schedules and trading off days, they made it work.
A partnership. Something she didn’t have.
Even if she wanted Shane to know about Micah, it wouldn’t turn into that. She wouldn’t gain support; she’d just lose her son for a while so he could be with his father.
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Either way, it wasn’t a risk she could take. Not with him. Not with Micah.
“It is. I need to get it all in now before the baby comes.”
She smiled with the knowledge of her best friend being pregnant again. “How is Dylan about it?”
“He still doesn’t understand and since I’m just starting the second trimester, there is time for him to adapt. What’s going on with you?”
“Well,” she said. “I had a brief visit from Jolene today.”
Margo laughed. “I’m surprised it took her this long.”
“She’s stopped me a few times. Enough for me to figure out what she’s trying to do. I might have still brushed it off, but Hope came to see me in the break room right when Jolene was leaving.”
“And she asked if Jolene was drilling hard now?”
“Not in so many words. But it got me thinking. Has Hope said anything to you? Have you heard anything?”
Since Margo and Hope were both married to Jolene’s nephews, they might be privy to what was going through Jolene’s mind.
“I have heard nothing and Jolene has said little more than bringing up Micah now and again.”
She sighed, tucked one leg under her hips and snuggled into the couch cushions. “She’s trying to find out about his father, isn’t she?”
“Liam told her it’s off limits and not up for discussion. She won’t bring it up again.”
“I just hate that people are so interested in my life.”
“You can’t stop that,” Margo said. “No one knows you were dating Shane but me. Then you’re single and pregnant. People are going to wonder.”
“Good thing someone started the rumor about the sperm donor. It’s not unheard of. Half the people look at me like I’m crazy and the other half like I’m a progressive female.”
“Well,” Margo said. “It’s a combination of both. I know. I lived with you.”
She missed their roommate days. And when Margo moved in with Liam, she got another roommate. Not for the savings but for the loneliness.
But Rhonda was such a nut job that she was happy to be alone after that and stayed that way. Probably a good thing as it was one less person to know about Shane.
“I miss those good old days.”
“Me too,” Margo said. “But we’ve both got something better in our lives.”
She wasn’t so sure it was a comparison in her eyes, but she wouldn’t lie either. “We do.”
“Mom, I’m hungry,” she heard Dylan say.
“I’ll let you feed him his snack before bed. Thanks for always being there for me, Margo. I’m not sure what I would have done without you the past few years.”
“I’d be nowhere else and you know it.”
Tasha put her phone down, thankful to know there was one person she could count on in her life.