9. Hard Conversations
9
HARD CONVERSATIONS
“ I ’m trying to decide if I need to put my counseling hat on or not,” she said.
“What is there to decide?” he asked. “Tell me your thought process.”
“Said no man ever,” she said, snickering. “But here you go. You brought it up so that means you are willing to talk about it, but I’m not sure you really want to. Or you’re saying it judging to see if I’ll back away and think, wow, this guy has so much baggage it would have been cheaper to buy a second plane ticket.”
She was looking into his eyes as she talked, hoping to see his body language more than his words.
“I wouldn’t have brought it up if I wasn’t willing to talk about it. If you’d rather not, that is your choice, but no judgment. It’s a lot, I know. Just don’t like having secrets.”
She liked he added the last part.
“I want to hear it,” she said. “I’m not one to shy away from hard conversations.”
“I didn’t think so,” he said. “And maybe I was hoping to earn some points with you for a second date.”
It might be the charming smile on his face more than anything that had her laughing and blurting out, “I know all about Ryder’s reputation with the ladies. I’m going to guess you’ve got the same, right?”
“In my past,” he said. “I swear. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t there. I’ve tried hard to prove I don’t have it anymore, but it seems to bite me in the ass more than I care for. Part of what I’ll explain with this story.”
Their food was brought out and it gave them both a moment to process the change in the conversation.
“Go ahead,” she said. “Say what you feel comfortable with. If I ask too many questions, you can tell me to be quiet.”
“I won’t,” he said. “I was asking you questions about your mother. Maybe even judging how you handle things with her.”
He was and she didn’t take offense to that when in the past she might have.
Could be she needed to be asked the hard questions and wanted him to know what was going on in her life too.
“You were,” she said. “And sometimes an outsider gets you to see things clearer, but I still stand by my decisions because I’m the one cleaning up the messes with my mother anyway.”
“And that is your choice. For me, in a nutshell, I had a reputation with the ladies. Even up to a few years ago. I think I saw Ryder’s life and how Tommy came into it without him knowing, then finding Marissa again. I thought, well shit, if he can find love and make it work, maybe I can too.”
She’d heard enough about Ryder’s story through Raina. “I don’t think that is something everyone can make work and it’s great they have. Just tells you how powerful love can be.”
“That’s right,” he said. “And I wanted that. I still do. My parents have been married for almost forty years. I’ve got a sister who is twenty-five. She was an accidental pregnancy, but my parents didn’t care. They were thrilled rather than frustrated that it might mess up the plans they’d made in their lives.”
“As we both know, things happen beyond our control,” she said.
“I don’t need to go into details about my life. You get the picture of what I was like. I was out having fun. Dating women that I knew I wouldn’t have a future with and was fine with that.”
“Until you weren’t fine with it,” she said.
“Yes. I decided to focus on another type of woman.”
She squinted one eye at him while he cut into his steak. “Not loose women?” she asked.
She had some of her salmon while he smirked at her. “Your words, not mine. I got off of dating apps and tried to meet someone in person. You know, no device finding that perfect match.”
“That’s right,” she said. “Apps don’t work as much as people think they do.”
He chewed his food and then picked up his beer. “They don’t. I met Shana at a party of a coworker. She was the cousin of the guy having the party. She’d lived in the same condo complex and just walked over.”
“That’s a good way to meet people. Better than dating apps,” she said.
“It was. She was nothing like what I normally dated. Not on personality levels. She had dark blonde hair and blue eyes, which I seemed drawn to, but other than that, nothing else was the same. I realized looking into your eyes the odd shade of brown they are. I’ve never seen it before. Maybe even on the serious side too.”
She didn’t want to say it sounded like he only dated bimbos. He said he turned over a new leaf and called Shana his girlfriend.
Looks didn’t mean as much in her eyes.
“What was different about her?”
“She was quiet. She had a good job working in sales.”
“Someone that was in sales isn’t normally quiet,” she said.
“I thought so too, but she was very confident in her job, just not so much in her personal life. At least it came across that way. We talked most of the night and set up a date, but the next day, she called and said she’d been asking around about me and wasn’t sure she liked what she’d heard.”
“And this is where your reputation was going to get you in the end?” she asked.
“I told her it was a thing of the past. I never lied I had it. Trust me, it took a lot of work for her to believe me.”
She didn’t know if she would put that much work in.
If the person didn’t like what was said, why bother if it’d be one-sided?
“But did she trust you?” she asked. “And you can tell me that it’s none of my business and that is fine too. I won’t take offense.”
“She didn’t trust me,” he said. “She’d tell me she did, but I know she didn’t. She would get jealous at times if I brought up another woman’s name. Even if that woman was married and a coworker. It didn’t matter. It bothered her so I had to guard what I said all the time.”
“Which isn’t healthy,” she said.
“It’s not,” he said. “But we had a good relationship. At least I thought so. We’d been dating well over a year. Talking about moving in together since we were staying at each other’s place most of the time anyway.”
“Sounds like it was all working out for you,” she said. Though she knew that most likely wasn’t the case.
“I thought so. Most times. I had to go out of town for work with a bunch of guys. She called me on Friday night and we were getting ready for dinner. Two of the guys with us were younger and single and talking in the background about going out after.”
“And she heard and thought you were going to do the same thing?” she asked.
They were pausing to eat and her mind was racing with what he might say about Shana’s death. Whatever it was had to be sudden.
“She did. I told her multiple times I wasn’t going to. Three other guys were in relationships and we were going back to our rooms after. I told her I’d call her in an hour or so.”
“She didn’t believe you?” she asked.
“No. But I wasn’t going to get into a fight with her there. The guys were waiting and watching me.”
“I’m not one for airing out dirty laundry in front of people.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time I’d fought with her in front of the guys. Some of them had questioned why we were still together, but I knew I was to blame for how she thought and was still working on her.”
In her mind, there should come a time when you don’t have to keep proving yourself to a person you were in a relationship with.
“What happened?” she asked.
“She went out that night. She didn’t tell me she was. Just sent a picture of herself all dressed up with a caption that she could do the same as me.”
“Ouch,” she said. “Were you jealous?”
“No,” he said. “She’d never go to a bar alone. She’d done that before. Said she was going out because she thought I was. I would just laugh. Probably not the best response.”
“I don’t think so,” she said. She had to wonder how much he changed if he made light of those things, but it wasn’t for her to judge their relationship either.
“She went out with her cousin. Someone slipped something in her drink,” he said.
Her head popped up fast. It was all coming together in her mind now. “Oh.”
“Ecstasy laced with fentanyl. She had a seizure and died at the bar,” he said, then dropped his head down.
She reached her hand over and put it on his. “I’m so sorry, Hyde. You blame yourself, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “How could I not? Her parents blamed me too. Said I’m the reason she did that and was there. That she never trusted me.”
“That’s wrong on their part to put it on your shoulders.”
“We all feel what we do in our grief,” he said. “You can’t control it.”
“And what did you feel?” she asked.
“I felt numb. I spiraled down fast. I was drinking and doing stupid shit hoping to dull the pain that I was feeling. I’d shown up at work hungover a few times and was talked to about it. I got a disciplinary action once. They wanted me to get counseling and I refused.”
“As much as I wish everyone would try it, I know many don’t or won’t.”
“Have you gone through counseling or just are on the giving side?”
“I have gone through it,” she said. “When Raina was drugged I had nightmares and sought it in college. During that time I realized everything I was doing. I wanted to not be responsible in my life for once and was acting out there.”
“Acting out or acting like a normal college kid?” he asked.
“The second,” she said. “But for me, it was acting out. I felt to blame for what happened to Raina. I’m the one that talked her into going to the party.”
“Then you can understand some of what I felt.”
“I can,” she said. “I don’t even want to imagine how much worse it would have been if Raina wasn’t okay in the end.”
She was the one that felt like crap now and understood why he reacted the way he had to her at the bar.
“I showed up drunk one day at work and was terminated. I had it coming. Maybe I wanted it to happen so it’d be an excuse to leave.”
“And that’s when you came home?” she asked.
“It was for the best. My parents knew what was going on and my mother came down to help pack. I swallowed my pride and called Ryder. We weren’t as close as before but still were in touch. He hadn’t known what happened to Shana so I had to explain it all. I knew I had to be honest if I was going to see if his father’s firm had any openings.”
“I’m sorry, Hyde. That is a lot to deal with.”
“It is,” he said. “And the night in the bar was the one-year anniversary of her death. I told myself I was going to get a beer and nothing more. But I ordered a whiskey and then fell into my old habits. I think if you didn’t give me shit, I would have sat there and got shitfaced again. In a way, you stopped that from happening and gave me another wake-up call.”
“Do you always turn to alcohol when you’re struggling with something?”
She needed to know that going in. She wasn’t sure it was something she could handle.
“No,” he said. “Never. Prior to Shana’s death, I’d have a few beers and that would be the end of it. So when I did it again, I think I was more pissed at myself than anything. This is only the third beer I’ve had since that night in the bar with you. Not sure if you believe it or not.”
“I’ve got no reason not to,” she said. “And every reason to give you the benefit of the doubt.”