19. A Wall Up
19
A WALL UP
“ Y ou slept with Hyde,” Raina said the next day. “Wait. I need a drink for this and it’s too early for wine, so we are having coffee. Do you want one?”
“Yes, please,” she said. “How long does Duke sleep? I want to play with him.”
“He just went down for his nap a few minutes before you got here. I tried to hold him off, but then he’d be cranky. Cody won’t be back for hours.”
“So we’ve got time,” she said. “Sorry to just drop in like this. You were probably planning on a nice quiet day alone. I only called to talk.”
“I had no plans at all. Cody went golfing last minute when Ryder called him. They are taking Tommy and one of his friends out and Ryder wanted to make it a foursome.”
“Then it works in my favor,” she said.
Tori sat at the island while Raina prepared their coffee and then set them both down.
“Fill me in. I’m stunned, to say the least. I mean I knew you were giving him another try on a date, but you’re not one that sleeps with a lot of men. You’re worse about it than me.”
“You had your reasons, but for me, I just don’t let too many in.”
“I know that,” Raina said. “You don’t have a lot of trust in men, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but I often wonder if you have a wall up that most don’t have a shot of knocking down. Is it because of your father?”
“I never thought much of it,” she said. “Which is stupid considering my career, but that is most likely a good part of it.”
“Do you know why your father left your mother?” Raina asked. “We’ll get back to you and Hyde soon, but maybe it’s best to start slow so I can figure this out too.”
She laughed. “Are you going to play the counselor now?”
“Sure,” Raina said. “I’ll be you today. Tell me what is on your mind.”
“It doesn’t work like that,” she said, laughing. “But in terms of my parents. I was young. I don’t know much other than my mother is needy. That has always been an issue and won’t change. I’m sure my father got sick of it. But my father also didn’t want to be tied down. So my guess is, they were polar opposites.”
“He was in your life though for years,” Raina said.
“I think out of guilt. Maybe I get the guilt part from him and why I give in to my mother all the time.”
“I don’t think you do it out of guilt,” Raina argued.
“Yeah,” she said. “I do. I know it. It’s the only family I have. It was hard to walk away from my father.”
“So you didn’t want to do that?” she asked.
She took a sip of the coffee. “It wasn’t my plan. I didn’t set out to say I’m not going to reach out to him and see how long it takes him to do it. It was like one week turned to two and then a month and next thing I know I’m getting a text message for birthdays and a few holidays a year. Nothing more. No closure, no nothing. Communication pretty much halted and we became acquaintances and not parent-child.”
“Do you still only get that from your father?” Raina asked. “I’ve never asked.”
She let out a small laugh. “Yep. I get a text for Christmas and my birthday. No cards or gifts or calls. Just a text wishing me that. I guess it’s nice he hasn’t forgotten me.”
She hadn’t talked to anyone about this in years. Never her mother.
Maybe it was her father that made it hard for her to let a man in.
She’d had no closure or conversations with him to know why he did what he had. It’s like they were hanging on...just in case.
Raina reached her hand over. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. And I can see where that makes it hard for you to let someone in because you have had no great examples of men in your life. Me, I was spoiled. I had my father and two older brothers.”
“You were spoiled,” she said, grinning. “But you hated Jonah and Trent always hovering over you.”
“I did. I still do, but they aren’t as bad anymore. They’ve got their own significant others to do that to. But my point is, I’ve had men in my life I’ve loved and trusted. For me, it might have been finding someone that could measure up to them.”
“And you did,” she said. “My measuring stick is about a toothpick in length so it doesn’t count.”
Raina coughed on her sip of coffee. “Good point. So sex with Hyde.”
“The toothpick made you think that?” she asked, laughing. Boy she missed this so much in her life and was glad she had it again with Raina.
“If that is the case, you wouldn’t have rushed over here to tell me about your night.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Raina. I can tell you this and no one else. Oh my God.” She was fanning her face. “My body just takes over with him. He knows what he’s doing and I’m trying hard to tell myself it’s not because of the experience he has, but I know that is the case.”
“Don’t think that,” Raina said. “You two could just have that deep and strong of a connection more than anything. I’ve got it with Cody. It’s like you’re so in tune with each other you don’t need to think or focus on anything.”
“Maybe it’s that,” she said. “I think I’ll agree with it because I’d like it to be that. But then we fought again after the first time.”
Raina cringed. “That’s becoming a habit for you two.”
She sighed. “I know. And it was my fault. He was the mature one. Or handled it maturely. I just get done experiencing a sexual encounter like I’ve never had before. My body is humming, my brain is spinning and I say it was a huge mistake.”
“Yikes,” Raina said. “I can see where he’d get mad.”
“He held it in pretty well. But he had some harsh words for me before he took control. He thinks I self-sabotage myself.”
“I think you do,” Raina said. “It goes back to what I just said about your father. You’re almost afraid to let someone in. To even put yourself first to want to let someone in. You’re so used to helping others or doing for others that you’re the last one on the list.”
She flopped her head down on her arm and let out a little groan. “You’re right,” she said. It was muffled, but when she heard Raina laughing she knew her best friend heard it.
“Now that you know what you’re doing, you can fix it,” Raina said.
“It’s not that easy,” she said, lifting her head. “I mean, it helped talking it out with Hyde. But my mind always wants to go to something negative. Even after we worked it out I stayed the night. Which I hadn’t planned on.”
“And it’s nice to let go of any plan now and again,” Raina said.
“It was,” she said. “It was a great night. Then yesterday morning I’m lying in bed and staring at the ceiling and again, thinking about what I did.”
“You have to stop that,” Raina said.
“I’m trying. I really am. Hyde was great about it. I go take a shower while he’s making breakfast.”
“Strike three,” Raina said, interrupting.
“What?” she asked.
“Nope,” Raina said. “Not what I meant to say. How about you got the three cherries in the slot machine? Good job, close to his family, and he cooks.”
Tori burst out laughing. “Oh my. Yep, I thought that too. So silly when I just put those things on it.”
“It’s not that,” Raina said. “It’s something fun. You found those three things and they are simple, but at least he has them and you are opening your heart to more. What else happened?”
“I had nothing with me to spend the night. I washed my hair and I’m looking for a comb and I see this travel-sized leave-in conditioner.”
“And you think some other woman left it there?” Raina asked.
“Wouldn’t you?”
“Yes,” Raina said.
“There you go. But I was good and didn’t say a word. I walked to the kitchen, we had breakfast, he went to shower and then he came out with it in his hand and asked if I liked it.”
“He brought it up?” Raina asked. “I know you. You would have put it back where you found it.”
“I did. And I’m not sure how he knew I used it. But I said I did and he said that CeeCee gave it to him and bought him the shampoo with conditioner in it too. That when he moved back home he was just a mess and his hair was all dry and CeeCee told him to try those things. He couldn’t bring himself to try the sample conditioner but said he’d leave it there for me.”
“Which was nice of him to explain that without you even asking. Do you believe him?”
“I’d have no reason not to,” she said.
She sipped her coffee again and looked around the kitchen.
“Yet you’re skirting your eyes around so something else happened that you are doubting,” Raina said.
“We did the treasure hunt.”
“You’ve been wanting to do that,” Raina said excitedly.
“I have. It was my idea. We had fun. Then we went to the festival. When we were there we ran into an old high school friend of his and Ryder’s. The guy is a total toolbag. I’d say he was a meathead if I had to describe him. Big guy, good looking, missing a few screws that connect his brain and his mouth.”
Raina said. “What did he say that upset you?”
“Nothing to upset me, but just a reminder again. His name was Coop and he was going on about how he never expected Ryder or Hyde to settle down. He said a few things about Ryder and if Hyde had seen him.” She told the rest of the story to Raina.
“Sounds like I can see why he’s going on divorce number two. He can’t keep his opinions to himself,” Raina said.
“I thought that too, but Hyde said he’s a nice guy. Just kind of simple, but not in a horrible way. He gets taken advantage of more than anything. My point is, it was just a reminder that Hyde has been a certain way most of his life.”
“I hate to repeat what’s been said so many times,” Raina said.
“I know. Judging and all. I’m trying not to. And Ryder changed too.”
“That’s right. Get it out of your head. You know these things about him and it’s better than finding out later down the line. He sounds like he’s trying to prove to you he’s not like that anymore.”
“He is and that makes me feel bad too.”
“Why is that?” Raina asked.
“Because I ask myself if he really should try that hard. I said before we bring the worst out of each other.”
“I refuse to believe that,” Raina said, crossing her arms.
“It’s an exaggeration. I know that now. But maybe it’s not a good thing that he works that hard either. Do you think it’s right?”
“I think there is a reason he’s working that hard and you have to decide if you can accept that or not. I’m more than willing to bet you know that reason and it scares you more than anything.”
“Self-sabotage,” she said. “Got it.”