Chapter Eleven
Sailor
“You are so lucky!” I squeal as I drop onto the king-sized bed starfish style. “Oh, wow. This mattress is perfect.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Amelia says, dropping onto the bed so our heads are by each other but feet are on opposite sides. I laugh as she groans. “You’re right. This is amazing. I’m never leaving.”
I haven’t known Amelia long, but I suddenly feel bad for never inviting her over to my house. When we did stuff together, we went out. It could have been so much easier, and maybe more fun, to have her come over and hang out. Order pizza. Watch movies. Lay in bed together like I see girls do on TV.
I turn to my side, and rest my head on my arm.
“I wonder why they upgraded you?”
“Who cares? This is the best vacation ever!” She turns on her side to face me. “The bigger room, the bigger bed. The view. The complimentary snacks! God, I love snacks.”
“Snacks are good,” I agree.
She smiles, and it slowly starts to get bigger.
“What?”
“You have stuff to tell me.”
I groan and fall onto my back. “Amelia…”
“Sailor! Come on. What is the point of being besties if we don’t tell each other everything? Something is going on, and even though I can see you’re okay, you’re not completely okay. If you were, you’d be home. I mean… where are you even staying? Do you have family here?”
I keep my gaze on the ceiling, and consider not telling her a thing. Now that I’m here, my nerves are getting the better of me.
But why? She’s my friend, and she’ll understand.
And maybe having another opinion on this entire thing will help me see more clearly…
see what the better option is. It’s clear I can’t figure this out on my own.
I’m more confused than ever, and I don’t know what to do.
She could help me. I have to let this out.
I sigh and turn on my side to face her. “Okay, I’ll tell you everything.” Her eyes widen, and she grins like the cat who got the canary. “But,” I add firmly. “You cannot judge anything I am about to tell you.”
“Judge you? Bah!”
Laughing, I shake my head and consider where to start.
I guess the beginning makes the most sense, but the thought of telling her every little detail is overwhelming.
It’s a good thing we have all weekend… if I decide to stay.
She offered, but I wasn’t sure it’s a good idea. Sam didn’t seem very happy about it.
“I guess I’ll start with the easy stuff.”
“Sure, start there,” she says eagerly.
She just wants to hear anything I will tell her, the little gossip queen. Though I know she won’t gossip about any of this. Amelia won’t tell anyone my secrets. I trust her, or I wouldn’t be here.
“I’m waiting,” she complains impatiently when I don’t start talking right away.
I playfully shove her, then start talking.
“I’m staying with Sam. He’s a guy I dated for a couple years, before Jaxon.
It was strictly an online relationship until he randomly moved here for school, even though he’d been accepted to Columbia.
It all went really fast and kind of freaked me out.
He kept pushing to meet, and it wasn’t that I was scared of him, I was just worried that maybe he wasn’t the person I wanted to be with. ”
“That’s normal.”
“Yeah…” I clear my throat, then roll onto my back again, unable to look at her. Staring at the white ceiling is much safer. “What do you know about the kink community?”
It feels like forever until she answers, but there is no judgment in her tone when she does.
“Like doms and subs?”
“That’s part of it, yeah.”
“I mean… I don’t know a ton. But I’ve seen stuff. I’ve heard of dating sites and checked them out, out of curiosity. I’ve thought about some stuff, like being tied up and spanked. Is that what you mean?”
“Sure, yeah. It’s an umbrella, though. And there are a lot of branches under it. It’s so much more than just handcuffs and whips.”
“I understand that.” I don’t say anything for a moment, and she adds, “Was he into it and you weren’t?”
I turn my head to look at her. “Other way around.”
Her eyes widen with excitement. “You bad, bad girl.”
A laugh escapes me, and I suddenly feel lighter. Maybe this conversation won’t be so bad after all.
I go on to explain more to her. About the confusing thoughts I had in the beginning, but didn’t want to bring them up to Sam because it didn’t feel right.
And how when he showed up, things with him didn’t feel right either.
She agreed that feelings are important, and that I made the right decision in breaking things off and trying to stay friends.
“So… why are you staying with him now then? Isn’t it… weird?”
“Weird is an understatement.”
“So…” she says when I don’t add anything else.
Why am I staying with Sam now?
Because Jaxon killed someone. I saw him shove his ex-girlfriend off a cliff.
I can trust Amelia. I know she won’t judge anything I say.
But murder? That’s a whole different level.
That’s not the kind of thing you can tell just anyone…
even if you are close with them and trust them.
And I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that Jaxon trusted me with it so easily—no prep beforehand; no threats afterward.
It’s like he knows I won’t say anything…
I had nothing to do with it, but I did witness it, and didn’t say anything about it. That could get me into trouble all on its own. But as I really think about that and what to tell Amelia, I realize it’s not my biggest concern, so there’s no reason to bring it up.
My concern is Jaxon. I don’t want him to get in trouble. Of course, I don’t want to be in trouble either, but I don’t want her getting him into trouble. And I don’t want her hating him.
What is wrong with me? Why am I protecting him?
I don’t dwell on it and instead tell her as much as I can. The sooner I do, the sooner we can get onto the subject of Jaxon and maybe work out something.
I start from the beginning, telling her all of it.
Losing my journal. Jaxon finding it then me. The games we played. The whirlwind it turned into. The way I felt. How amazing it all was.
She’s gaping when I sneak a look at her. I swear there are little hearts in her eyes.
“But then… I was taken.”
“Taken?” she blurts. “What do you mean taken?”
I tell her about his mother, leaving out Mindy because I don’t want that coming back to either of us.
As lies usually do, they come out fluidly.
Amelia doesn’t question a thing, just listens intently.
I tell her how much it terrified me, because his family is wrapped up in messed up things, even if he isn’t.
It’s still scary being that close to it.
“Sailor, oh my god. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I understand why you’ve kept your distance. That’s a lot to deal with.”
“I don’t know what to think about all of it.”
“About what?” she asks.
“Getting wrapped up in that kind of world, and—”
“But he saved you, Sailor.”
I chew on my lip, considering her words.
Of course, I’ve thought of this so many times myself.
She’s not wrong. He did save me. But there’s more to it, more to the story that I can’t say.
Does that negate everything else? All the good he did?
I could have died without him coming for me…
Mindy would have killed me, or so he says.
It’s not that I don’t believe him, it’s just hard to believe the truth in general.
An eye for an eye… is that what he thinks he did?
Is that how he justifies ending someone’s life?
“I won’t tell you what to do,” she says.
“But I will give you my opinion, and I hope you consider what I’m going to say.
” I nod so she knows I’m listening, then she continues.
“Maybe he’s into some dark things, and that scares you a little because it’s new and a lot and not the norm.
But he saved you from his family. He protected you.
He did the right thing here. Don’t take out his family’s mistakes on him, especially if he’s choosing to distance himself from it.
And I didn’t know you before him, but I’ve seen you with him, and without.
And, babe? You were so much happier when you were with him. ”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her that he killed someone, but I can’t risk it.
There are two ways that could go. She freaks out and calls the police. Or she keeps going down the same road, telling me he did it to protect me.
Which, I suppose, he did.
Mindy is the one who took me.
Jaxon protected me.
He stopped her from ever hurting me again, but who’s to say she would have? Two wrongs don’t make a right, but… that’s not the world we live in. It’s not so simple. And she’s telling me the exact thing I’ve been refusing to admit.
“Do I want to live my life worried that someone will hurt me?” I question.
Amelia reaches out and takes my hand. “I think with someone like Jaxon on your side, watching you and protecting you, you won’t have to worry about it. Now that he knows the risks? I don’t think he would let anyone hurt you. Have you heard from him at all?”
I shake my head. “Not a peep.”
“He’s respecting your boundaries. You told him to leave you alone. He is.”
“Or he didn’t care about me at all.”
“I doubt that. If he didn’t care, why would he save you at all? Why go through the trouble of pissing off… those types of people. It’s like the mafia or something?”
“Something. I think. I’m not really sure. I didn’t ask questions.”
“That’s scary shit. I can agree with you on that. But he’s survived this long. And he saved you.” She sighs. “I wouldn’t hate the idea of a masked man coming to my rescue from the mafia. That’s some dark romance stuff I’d love to experience.”
I crack a smile, and say, “There’s more.”
She gasps. “What more can there be?”
I tell her about my new online friend. About Shadow. How things escalated very quickly—that we’re maybe planning to do something.
“If you want to play those sorts of games, do it right. Go on a real site. Not a video game!”
“What do you mean?”
“Sailor, come on! There are sites for that stuff. Platforms to answer questions. Meet people. Role play. Video chat. All of it. You can do it safely on sites that take precautions to protect people.”
“Right now, I’m worried about Sam. He’s been acting so weird.”
“Weird how?” she asks, brow furrowed.
I explain how upset he got over the phone call, and the way he isn’t taking the hint about me not wanting to be with him. For the first time during this conversation, she looks concerned.
“Do you really think Jaxon would bother you if you went home?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you… think he knows where you are?”
My heart does a little flip in my chest. Part of me hopes he does.
I’ve thought about it, and it’s possible.
Another part of me really, truly wants him to leave me alone, because I’m so scared of what all of it means.
I’ve dealt with death my whole life. Every person who I have cared about has died, and each one was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.
How can I be with someone who can end a life so simply?
Mindy had a family. People who cared about her. I know what it’s like to lose someone… does he?
“Honestly? I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did.”
“Maybe it’s a good thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“If he knows where you are and you haven’t seen him and he hasn’t bothered you, doesn’t that prove he won’t hurt you?
That he’s only looking out for your best interests?
” I consider her words. “I’m not saying that sort of behavior is healthy, however, if that’s what you’re into, then fine—as long as he isn’t forcing it on you and making you uncomfortable.
But babe, it seems the only one making you uncomfortable these days is Sam. ”
She’s right. She’s so right. This isn’t quite what I wanted to hear, but it’s the truth I need to face. This is why I decided to tell her. I needed another opinion.
“Do you think I should talk to him?”
“I didn’t say that,” she says firmly. “But I do think you need to think about this differently.” She pops up. “Oh, I forgot!” She hurries over to her bag and pulls out a bottle of vodka. The good stuff. Next comes out a bottle of cranberry juice.
“If you pull out a bag of ice next…”
She laughs as she brings the bottles to the table with the cups and makes us both a drink. We sit up against the headboard in silence and sip our drinks. We’re halfway through when we start to talk again.
“How about you go on one of those sites I mentioned. Make an anonymous profile. Check it out. Play around. Ask some questions. Being around people who do this safely, know what’s right and not abusive, maybe it’ll help you feel more comfortable with it all because it seems you haven't accepted this part of you yet.” She’s right about that.
“I can give you all the advice in the world, but I don’t know a damn thing about this.
If you are still confused after you talk to the professionals, then maybe it really isn’t meant to be.
But if they can help you, let them.” She takes my hand again and sips her drink before saying, “You’re my best friend.
We haven’t known each other long, but I love you. I want you to be happy.”
I smile, my eyes watering. “Thanks, Amelia. That means a lot to me.”
Even if it’s alcohol-induced, I know she means it.