Chapter Seventeen
Sailor
A smile comes to my face as I wake up and the memories of last night flood my brain. It was amazing. Perfect. And such a relief.
I can do this. I can live like this.
I’m an adult, and I make my own decisions. I choose how my life is going to go, and if this is how I want to live it, if this is what fulfills me sexually, then I’m going to do it.
I have no idea what it was about last night, but something about it gave me back my confidence.
I’d gone my whole life without it, but when I met Jaxon, I found it, and it was amazing.
New. Exciting. It disappeared when Jaxon and I broke up, and after just one night with Shadow, it’s back.
And this time, I don’t want to let it go—I won’t let it go.
I won’t put someone else in charge of it. I am going to be in charge of it now.
I roll onto my back, and when I shift, my foot hits something that has me snapping my eyes open. I startle further, my heart jumping when I see someone sitting on the end of the bed. It takes a moment for me to realize who it is—Sam.
“What are you doing?” I ask, pushing to sit up.
“You said we could talk.”
What? Is he serious?
“Yeah, when I woke up.”
“And I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”
“By staring at me?” I ask louder than I should. It’s almost a yell.
He doesn’t flinch, just keeps staring. He looks exhausted. Red-rimmed, puffy eyes. He’s kind of pale too. Is he getting sick?
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he takes a deep breath, then lets it out slowly.
“Sailor—”
“How long were you in here?” I scream. “How long were you watching me sleep?”
“I wasn’t watching you sleep—”
“How long?!”
“I don’t know,” he admits, shaking his head. “I’ve… not been feeling well, and—”
“And what?” I pull the blankets up higher, feeling vulnerable and exposed.
I’m naked and covered in cum.
Sam’s eyes narrow, looking at me like I’m an alien, like he’s trying to figure something out. Then something flashes in his eyes, like he’s understanding something, or just putting something together.
“Sailor, this isn’t working out,” he says.
“Yeah, no shit, Sam. You’re watching me sleep.”
He flinches, having the audacity to be offended even though he’s freaking me out. With a sigh, he says, “I have to get ready for work.”
He leaves the room, his feet dragging along the hardwood floor. A moment later, the bathroom door shuts, and I’m more creeped out than I’ve ever been before.
Returning home isn’t as happy as I expected it to be. It’s not that I’m scared, I think a lot of that fear went away with Jaxon straight up ignoring me over the last couple of months, but I do feel empty. Lonely. Sad. Disappointed.
As stressful as being with Sam was, it was nice not being alone all the time. It was nice knowing there was someone in the other room… in case I needed him.
The front door swings against the wall gently, and I drop my bags before going to the car to get the rest. Once the door is locked and closed, all my things piled to the side, I take in my house.
It looks exactly the way I left it, only it smells a little…
stale. The weather is cold, and it’s rainy, but I go to the window above the sink to open it, allowing the cool air in.
I dig under the sink for a can of air freshener and go through the house, emptying the can.
Not that I think it’s going to help; in about five minutes, the smell will go away and nothing will be refreshed.
I’m pretty sure that can was left over from when my grandmother was still alive.
Cracking a few more windows, I make sure the little tabs at the top are popped so someone can’t open them all the way.
It’ll get cold in here soon, but at least the smell will get a little better.
It takes three trips to get all my bags to my room, and since there is nothing else to do, I go through them all, putting my dirty laundry in the hamper and my toiletries in the bathroom.
Everything reminds me of him.
It hurts more than it should, because it shouldn’t hurt at all.
For the millionth time, I think that I shouldn’t waste my time on him since he clearly hasn’t thought of me.
But it’ll take time. Now that I’ve decided I’m moving on, I need to accept that it will take time to forget Jaxon.
Though we weren’t together long, it was serious, and that’s not something I can forget in just a few days—or a few weeks.
And the reality is I may never forget him at all, but I do need to learn to live with the fact that we cannot be together.
Problem is, there is still that little voice in my head telling me he’s watching me, like he was before. It doesn’t make me as angry as it once did, and I don’t know what to think of that. Maybe I’m just over it.
When my bags are emptied, the contents scattered over my bed, I check my phone notifications.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: How’d you make out?
I so badly wanted to respond to his text telling me I was perfect with something that would get me a sexy pic in return, but I had to tell him that I was heading home and I’d message him when I could.
It’s sweet of him to check up on me, and I hate that my morning was ruined and we couldn’t continue with our little game.
Golden_Phoenix: Currently lying in bed, my bedroom looking like a clothes-tornado made swooped through.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Convenience of living alone, right? You can do what you want.
I huff a laugh and respond.
Golden_Phoenix: Do you live alone?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Yes
Golden_Phoenix: It doesn’t get lonely?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Sometimes. But I have you to keep me company now.
I smile, biting on my bottom lip. Instead of answering, I put my phone down and get up. I won’t give in so easily this time, even if we did already… uh, hook up? I don’t even know what to call that.
After the clothes are switched from the washer to the dryer, everything in my bathroom is put away, and most of my clothes are back in the drawers, I hop in the shower and stand in there for too long, fighting off memories of the time I bathed after Jaxon and I met in the woods the first time while trying to ignore how vulnerable I am in the shower while home alone.
I knew coming back here would be tough for this reason—there are so many things that remind me of him. But, like I decided the other day… I need to move on from him. So that’s what I plan to do.