Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Sailor
Now that Amelia knows everything, there’s no use in hiding anything else. So I spill absolutely everything as quickly as I can over our lunch break on Monday.
I took more classes this semester to make sure I stay busy. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I have a two-hour break during lunch, after my morning class, which gives me and Amelia plenty of time to meet up.
“So, starting fresh seems like the best thing for you,” she says, reaching for her iced latte.
“I sure hope so.”
“Have you talked to Sam at all?”
“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “Not sure I want to.”
“I can understand that. I mean, he was definitely being an ass and a creep, but maybe something is going on with him?”
“Yeah…” I say absently.
I thought that too. How did things get so crazy with us? They used to be so good, and then suddenly… they weren’t. It’s like he turned into a different person. He didn’t even look the same… he looked sick.
“But it’s not your problem,’ Amelia says firmly. “You have your own life to worry about, and he’s an adult. If he has shit going on, he needs to work it out.”
I smile, despite myself, because even though I agree with her, part of me is still upset by this whole thing.
Sam and I were good friends, and maybe it is my fault for screwing it all up and not telling him how I felt sooner.
But to be fair, I didn’t realize how I was feeling until things changed.
I was happy with the way they were, and thought I wanted more…
and you only know something until you know something different.
So maybe it’s my fault, but not intentionally.
I never wanted to hurt Sam, and I certainly didn’t want to hurt myself, so…
there’s not much I can do about it now but deal with it.
Hopefully, whatever is going on with him, he’ll figure it out and we can be friends again one day.
“And what about Jaxon?” Amelia asks with a raised brow.
“What about him?”
“Still nothing?”
“Still nothing,” I say quickly.
Too quickly, it seems, because Amelia gives me an odd look.
“What?” I ask, picking off a small piece off my blueberry muffin to pop into my mouth.
“Just curious about how things went, is all. I mean, I know you mentioned this new guy, but what’s going to come of that? Are you just going to mess around with random guys, or—”
“I’m not trying to settle down,” I say a little too sharply.
“And I’m not judging you, Sailor,” she says gently. “I go to parties every week, and have hooked up with two guys since being here. We’re friends, and I’m just saying…”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I think you still care about Jaxon, and that’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. He… did something really bad.”
“Well, we all make mistakes. Have you talked to him about it?”
“Of course not. I told you he didn’t text me.”
“Why haven’t you texted him?”
I hold her gaze, unable to even blink as my brain goes completely silent and blank.
She gives me a soft smile. “It’s okay if you wanted him to chase you, uh—you know, like in the sense that he goes to you. I mean…” She groans. “You know what I mean, right?”
I can’t help but laugh, but tears sting my eyes.
“I know what you mean.” I sip my coffee to hide the fact I’m on the verge of crying because it’s hitting me again that Jaxon never called, even if I didn’t want him too.
Or maybe I did want him to… maybe I still do, and that’s why it hurts.
“It’s okay to be angry with him, but if you still want him despite what he did and despite him being an ass, that’s okay too. Sometimes people make mistakes, and this is why communication is so important.”
“We used to do that well.”
“Sure, in a certain type of setting. The sexual part, I assume, but if relationships were easy, people wouldn’t split up or get divorced.”
With a sigh, I fold up the napkin around my muffin and push it aside. “I’m too young to worry about forever, anyway.”
“Are you, though?” she asks.
“I’m only eighteen.”
“Yeah, and? That means you give up happiness when you find it because of your age?”
“Amelia—”
“I’m just saying, Sailor.” She puts her hands up. “Stop worrying about what other people may think—what you do in your free time, your age, your relationship status—and focus on what you want. Screw other people.”
I thought I had been focusing on what I want, but suddenly, I wonder if part of me is still scared to go all the way.
My grocery delivery comes right on time, all the bags left on the porch like I requested.
I bring them inside as unease crawls up my spine.
Maybe it’s just my nerves and having the door unlocked for so long, but maybe it’s something else.
Maybe it’s an actual feeling that someone is watching me…
I push it aside, not willing to worry about it.
If I want to stay stuck where I am, then sure, I should worry. But I need to move forward.
I put away the groceries where they belong, then dig through my fridge for something to make for dinner. It’s late, and I should have gotten something easy like a frozen pizza, but when I put the order in earlier, I wasn’t thinking about that, and ordering take out now would take forever.
Mac and cheese it is.
As I sit on the couch in front of the TV, with my big ceramic bowl of box mac and cheese, browsing the channels for something to watch, a pang hits my chest. Something dark and heavy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.
I always miss my family, my parents and grandparents, but I’ve learned to deal with that pain, and each day it got a little better until it went away completely.
It was no longer a physical thing, just a mental thing.
Of course I miss them, but I could get through my day without the heaviness of loss weighing me down.
But this feeling that is sitting on my chest right now? It’s too reminiscent of those days, and I don’t know why. I’m where I want to be. I’m back in my house. Safe. In school. Living my life without regretting anything.
This is what I wanted. So why does it feel so damn awful? So… lonely?
My phone dings from the end table, and I glance at it.
It’s a message from Shadow, and though it sparks a little excitement in my chest, it’s flat.
What we did was good, it was fun… but he wasn’t Jaxon.
It wasn’t the same because the emotional connection wasn’t there, and I can’t lie that Jaxon and I connected on so many levels.
It wasn’t just the sexual stuff, it was everything.
It was him understanding me. Our late-night conversations.
The ease in which I could talk to him. Feeling protected.
And the physical attraction was out of this world.
It’s obvious to myself, even if I won’t admit it out loud to Amelia, that I’m not over Jaxon. But like I told myself going into this... the only way I will get over him is to move on, move forward, and don’t look back. So when Jaxon comes into my mind, I have to push him out.
We’re done. That’s it. It’s time to let it go.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: How are things?
I mix my mac and cheese to cool it while I think over my response.
We haven’t spoken much over the last couple of weeks because I’ve been hiding out.
I’m trying to get used to being home alone, classes started, and I need to get back into a routine.
I’m also dealing with the fact that I went through the last couple of months in a fog.
I missed all the holidays… every one of them.
Normally I love Halloween, and even make myself a turkey dinner on Thanksgiving.
Christmas was usually kind of sad, but I somehow managed to pretend they didn’t exist at all this year because of everything going on.
Holidays are usually a tough time for me, since I’m alone, but this year… it’s like they never happened at all, and part of me thinks that’s worse.
I appreciate Shadow checking in on me, though.
Maybe with some time, I can forget about Jaxon and move on because I can connect with other people.
Not necessarily with Shadow, but maybe. And it’s right now I realize that’s one of my biggest fears coming out of all this.
Connecting with people has never been easy, not in real life, and I need to figure out how to do that better.
It needs to be as natural to me as meeting people online.
Through chatting with Jaxon, I got to know him.
He never held back and let me get to know him, even if I never saw his face.
We shared lots of things about our lives.
He was an open book, and that’s what made everything with him so easy.
There was no judgment, no lies, just us being open and honest with one another, in all aspects of our lives.
It’s not that Shadow isn’t doing that, but I haven’t given him the opportunity either. I’m the one being cautious here, but the only way I’ll move forward is by not holding myself back. If I want to get to know Shadow, then I need to make it known.
Golden_Phoenix: Okay. Glad to be back at school. What have you been up to?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Not much, really. Just working.
Golden_Phoenix: What do you do for work?
It takes him a few minutes to respond, so I eat as I wait.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Just a family business thing. Kinda boring.
Narrowing my eyes, I consider his words.
Is this him not wanting to get into his personal life because it’s boring or because he doesn’t want to share parts of himself?
I guess I can’t blame him if it’s the latter; we don’t know each other and haven’t discussed what is going on or what we are doing.
So maybe I should ask. Instead of waiting for something bad to happen later, it’s best to get the expectations out of the way now.
Golden_Phoenix: So what are you hoping will happen with us?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: I’d love to see you again. I’m willing to travel the extra distance.
Borderline desperate, okay.
Golden_Phoenix: And is that all this is?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Are you asking if I want to be in a relationship with you?
Golden_Phoenix: I would just like to know where this is going.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Can’t we just go with the flow and see how things end up?
That weight in my chest gets a little heavier, but I talk myself through what he just said.
Is this him telling me he doesn’t want anything else, or is it just him wanting to figure things out?
We don’t need to put a label on it. We can keep is casual.
It doesn’t have to be as intense as it was with Jaxon, because Shadow isn’t Jaxon.
This is different. And maybe it’s my lack of experience with relationships that’s making this so awkward.
Golden_Phoenix: Of course. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page and keep open communication. That’s important with this sort of thing, right?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Definitely
I don’t think too much into his minimal response, and instead finish my food and focus on the TV.