Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
Sailor
It’s been a whole day since I messaged Shadow back, and he hasn’t responded. I’m getting annoyed because what the fuck?
Something is going on with him, and I want to know what it is. I’m tempted to text Jaxon and ask him what his problem is and demand he tell me what has him so distracted.
I know it makes me sound like a brat, but I’ve gotten used to being the center of his attention… and now I’m not. I want to know why.
I close out of Solar Surge and pull up the text with Jaxon. I get two words typed before the notification pops up that Shadow has answered. I delete what I have and back out of the texts to go back to SS.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: I’ll be there.
I shouldn’t be mad that it’s all I get.
But I am mad that it’s all I get.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but something is. Something changed. I don’t know when or why or how but… something is pushing me full force towards Jaxon. Something is telling me to embrace all of this. Let loose. Just be happy. Give in.
Maybe it’s Amelia and the vodka.
Granted, that was yesterday, but still… Amelia’s voice rings in my head all the time.
This advice could be the best or the worst.
Stop wasting time.
She’s not wrong. It’s what we’ve been doing because going back to Jaxon feels inevitable at this point. I threw my fit. I took my time to “get over him.”
Only I didn’t.
Because I still want him. Everything has led me back to him. Even if it’s just been my thoughts. All this time—it’s been him.
And now that he’s agreed to meet me, I can’t wait to tell him.
I so badly want to do it now, but that’ll ruin the plan. So I text Amelia instead.
Me: Tomorrow night! He agreed!
Amelia: GIRL YAASS!
I laugh. Her enthusiasm is going to get me into trouble one of these days.
Needing to keep myself busy, I gather my things to take an everything shower.
I need to be clean for tomorrow, and better to get all my shaving and hair washing done tonight, rather than stressing about it tomorrow.
I can wash up again before I go, but I should get all the stuff that takes forever done tonight.
I spend about forty-five minutes in the shower, unsure how my water doesn’t run cold.
When I get out, there is a text waiting for me from Sam.
I finish drying off, get dressed, and leave my hair up in a towel to dry. I’ll worry about it tomorrow because now I’m tired and don’t feel like blow-drying it.
Once I’m settled in bed, I open up Sam’s message.
Sam: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m okay. How are you?
Sam: Still feeling weird about the entire thing.
Sam: Will you ever tell me what’s going on?
I chew on the inside of my cheek as I think about what to say back. I’ve done a lot of hiding from Sam, and all I’ve wanted from him was friendship. Maybe that starts with some honesty.
Me: Can I be honest with you?
Sam: Sailor, I would love nothing more than for you to be honest with me.
Me: I think you’ll judge me if I tell you the truth.
And that is the truth. It always has been. It’s why I never told him anything about me. Sam doesn’t give off the vibes that he’d be okay with something like that, and maybe that’s just me, but it’s how I felt and why I didn’t say anything in the first place. He isn’t the type.
Sam: I would never.
Sam: We’re friends. I accept you for who you are and the choices you’ve made.
“Yeah, you say that now,” I mutter to myself.
What do I have to lose? I don’t think I can ruin our relationship anymore than it already is. And maybe this is what we need to mend things.
Me: What do you know about the kink community?
The bubbles dance for a while. I hold my breath, wondering if I made a mistake.
Sam: More than I’d like to admit. Why?
I laugh and shake my head.
Wow. Is Sam into this stuff and I had no idea?
It wouldn’t change anything even if he was. The feeling isn’t there with him. Not the way it is with Jaxon.
Me: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner, but I’ve been experimenting with different things. I didn’t know how to talk to you about it, and I felt like you would judge me.
Sam: I never would have.
Sam: I’m glad you told me now.
Sam: Is that what Jaxon was? Was it something that went bad?
Sam: You can tell me. I swear I won’t get mad. I want us to be friends.
Calling him would make this conversation easier and quicker, but I’m not in the mood to talk.
And I think hearing Sam’s voice would make talking about this weird.
It was hard enough saying things out loud with Jaxon…
and then again with Amelia. I’m not ready to have this conversation, with my words, with Sam.
Me: Sort of? But probably not in the way you think. We were together for a while. Experimented. And I’d consented to him doing those things to me while here, and he just completely crossed boundaries. I’m so sorry you were involved in this. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. He was wrong.
Sam: That explains why you didn’t want me to call the cops.
Sam: Do you love him or something?
Sailor: I think so.
I do. I know I do, and I have. But saying that to Sam feels weird.
Sam: Has he ever hurt you?
Me: No.
Sam: He’s dangerous, Sailor. I won’t tell you what to do, but that much I know.
Me: I know he is, but not to me. And not to you either. I haven’t talked to him, but I plan to. And when I do, he’s going to apologize.
Sam: I just want you to be safe, Sails.
Me: I promise I am being safe. Jaxon would never hurt me or anyone I care about.
The bubbles dance again for a little while, and then another text comes in.
Sam: So this is what it’s like for us to be friends?
I giggle and respond.
Me: Yep :)
Sam: Well, in that case… can I ask you something else?
Me: Okay?
I have no idea what he could want to ask me this time, so I wait in anticipation for him to send the text through. And when he does, I squeal.