Chapter 11
Rowan
I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
His lips.
His hands.
The sound he made when he came.
Every morning since Keaton and I had jerked each other off, I’d woken up hard and thinking about doing it again. And every morning I’d rub one out, needing the release just to be able to walk and avoid my mother’s sideways look.
I wanted more.
More time alone with my best friend.
More reasons to get him in my room with the door closed.
More stolen kisses when nobody was watching.
More of whatever this was that had been growing between us for several months and had become a lot harder to ignore since we’d gone further than ever before.
I’d catch myself thinking about Keaton at the worst times too.
Like at jiu-jitsu practice, trying to focus on a hold, then my partner and I would end up in mount, and my brain would betray me.
The teammate would be on top of me when Coach Pete would tell me to get out of it, but all I could think about was Keaton in the same position, pinning me down, his body on top of mine.
It made me miss moves I should’ve been able to do without thinking.
Instead, I’d realize too late, and already be behind in the drill, because the second somebody had me flat on the mat my mind went straight to the boy next door.
Wanting more of Keaton was one thing. Thinking about what would happen when summer ended was another.
We spent most of junior year sneaking around, stealing kisses when nobody was looking, then acting like we didn’t know each other around our own group of friends.
But after everything that happened over the summer, I wasn’t sure how we were supposed to slide back into that once school started again.
As my mind went to senior year, to graduation, to leaving, and whether my future could still include him, my eyes kept drifting to a folder on my desk.
Joining the Air Force had been the plan for as long as I could remember, so that part wasn’t new.
With my dad, there wasn’t any other option.
He’d been talking to me about enlisting after high school for years, and I’d always figured I would follow in his footsteps in some way or another. What was new was how real it felt now.
That morning, Dad took me to meet with a recruiter, and ever since we’d gotten home, the folder on my desk had been making me feel off.
Seeing everything laid out in front of me—the paperwork, the timelines, the actual steps instead of just idle talk—made it a lot harder to ignore how soon everything was going to change.
I was still looking at the folder when Keaton barged into my room without knocking and flopped onto my bed like he lived there. His gaze shifted from the desk to me, then he narrowed his eyes. “You’ve got that look.”
I leaned back in my chair. “What look?”
“The one you get when you’re overthinking.”
Despite myself, I nearly smiled. “For a guy who just walked into my room without knocking, you seem awfully cheerful.”
“Your mom let me in as she and your dad were leaving,” he replied, stretching out across my bed. “That counts as an invitation.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“It does in this house. I’m basically their second son.”
I snorted, but my attention drifted back to the desk before I could stop it.
Keaton noticed immediately and pushed himself up onto his elbows. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re such a liar.”
“I’m serious.”
He got to his feet and crossed the room. “What’s that?”
“Nothing.”
“Rowan.” That was the problem with Keaton. He knew me better than anyone and always saw right through me.
I ran my hand over my jaw. “It’s Air Force stuff, okay?”
His expression shifted immediately. Not significantly. He wasn’t overly dramatic like that. But I also knew him well enough not to miss it.
“You talked to a recruiter already?”
“This morning.”
Something tight settled in his face, and I hated that I was the reason it was there. “And you were just going to sit there and not mention it?”
“I was getting there.”
“You were staring at it like it was going to disappear.”
“That was also part of the plan.”
Keaton let out a breath through his nose, then perched on the edge of my desk and folded his arms over his chest. “So tell me. What did they say?”
I shrugged, trying but failing to make it seem like leaving would be easy. “You know, enlistment stuff. Jobs. How it all works after graduation.”
He dragged a palm over his thigh. “What did your dad say?”
“That it’s smart to get moving now if I want better options.”
“That sounds like him.” His gaze dropped back to the folder. “So, what happens now?”
“More paperwork, tests, and meetings. If everything goes the way it’s supposed to, I can get into the delayed entry program and leave right after graduation.”
He paused for a beat. “Right after graduation?”
I nodded.
The room went quiet.
A few weeks ago, I probably would’ve cracked a joke to break the silence, but today it didn’t feel like something I could joke about.
He pushed off the desk and turned away, pacing toward the window. “That’s not that far away.”
“It’s like nine months away.”
“That will be here before we know it.”
“I know.”
He turned toward me. “Do you?”
I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’ve planned on this forever, Rowan.” His voice stayed even, but I could sense the tension beneath it. “So maybe nine months doesn’t feel the same to you.”
I stood up. “You think it doesn’t feel real to me?”
“I think maybe you’ve had a lot more time to get used to it.”
I stepped around the chair. “Maybe I have.”
He stayed there, waiting.
“But that doesn’t mean I’m all right with every part of it.”
His stare tightened. “Every part?”
“You really want me to spell it out?”
“Yeah,” he responded. “I do.”
I glanced away for a second. “I’m not worried about the Air Force part.”
“What part are you worried about, then?”
“You.” The word was out before I could pull it back, and once it was there between us, I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t meant it.
“Me?”
“Yeah.”
He leaned against the wall by the window. “What about me?”
I dropped my gaze for a second, then lifted it again. “Everything.”
He didn’t say anything.
So I kept going. “You’ve been part of my life for so long that I can’t look at that folder and pretend leaving is only about me.”
His throat moved as he swallowed. “Rowan.”
“I mean it.”
He was quiet for a long second. “I didn’t know you were thinking about us like that.”
I gave him a look. “Like what?”
He met my stare. “Like I was part of your future.”
I crossed the room and stopped right in front of him. “You didn’t?”
He hesitated, then answered, “I knew I wanted more. I just wasn’t sure you did too.”
“I do,” I whispered. My heart was pounding in my chest. We’d known each other since we were kids, but confessing I wanted him to be part of my life going forward made me nervous.
What if he only wanted to keep experimenting?
What if that had been his plan all along?
To use me to learn things so when I left he could do them with other guys?
He let out a soft laugh. “This is a lot.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“Because I came over here ready to hang out and maybe steal a kiss, and now you’re standing in front of me talking about leaving.”
“That’s a pretty solid plan.” I grinned, trying to lighten the mood.
“It’s a better plan than this.”
“This being honesty?”
“This being you making me feel things in the middle of the afternoon.”
He laughed, and that finally made me grin.
“Made you laugh,” I teased.
“Don’t get cocky.”
“Too late.”
He rolled his eyes then put his focus back on me. “So what are you actually saying?”
I should’ve played it safer. I knew that.
I should’ve backed up and kept it light about the summer and kisses and not asking for anything bigger than I had a right to ask for.
Instead, I went with the truth. “I’m saying I want you in my life after I leave.
” He went still again, and for half a second, I almost took it back.
Almost laughed it off. Almost told him I didn’t mean it like that.
But I didn’t stop. “I don’t know where I’ll end up yet.
Dad already said it doesn’t work like that, that I won’t find out my first station for a while. But wherever it is, I want you there.”
Keaton stared at me like I’d lost my mind. “Rowan.”
“I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
I edged closer until there was barely any space between us. “I do.”
“That’s a huge thing to say.”
“I know.”
“You’re talking about after high school.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re talking about me following you wherever they send you.”
I held his stare. “Yeah.”
He chuckled softly and ran a hand down his face. “Jesus Christ.”
“That’s not a no.”
“That’s because I’m still trying to figure out if you’ve totally lost it.”
I smiled a little. “Possibly.”
“You’ve seriously thought about this already?”
“Since this morning.”
“Since this morning?” he repeated. “You work fast.”
“I had a long drive home.”
His mouth twitched, but he still seemed unsure. “You know, this isn’t how things work.”
“What part?”
“The part where you just decide I’m part of your future and drop it on me like it’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing.”
“Then why are you so calm?”
“I’m not.” I reached for his hand and placed it on my chest so he could feel how hard my heart was beating. “I’m trying not to freak out in front of you.”
“You’re freaking out?”
“A little.”
“A little?”
“Fine. More than a little.”
He studied my face for another moment, and whatever he saw must have been enough because some of the tension left his shoulders. “You really mean it?”
“Yeah.”
“You really want me there?”
“I do.”
He looked away, shook his head, then chuckled softly to himself. “Nobody’s ever looked at me and talked like that before.”
My chest tightened. “Talked like what?”
“Like I matter in their plans.”
I cupped his cheek with my free hand. “You matter in mine.”
His eyes softened. “I haven’t really thought past senior year. I knew you were leaving. I’ve always known that, but ...”
I stayed quiet.
“That part’s never been a surprise because you’ve been talking about the Air Force forever, but I just assumed you’d go do your thing, and I’d stay here.
Maybe community college. Work. Whatever made the most sense.
” He stepped closer, and I dropped my hand on his cheek, and his fell away from my chest. “I didn’t think you were planning around me. ”
“I am.”
He snorted a small laugh. “Yeah, I’m getting that.”
“I mean it.”
“I know. That’s why I’m trying not to lose my shit right now.”
I cracked a grin. “You’re doing a terrible job.”
“Shut up.”
“I’m not asking you to decide your whole life right this minute,” I replied. “I’m just saying when I leave, I don’t want that to be it for us.”
“Us?”
“Yeah.”
He let out a slow breath. “You keep saying that like it’s a real thing.”
“It is a real thing.”
He dropped his gaze again. “We’ve never called it anything.”
“I know.”
“We’ve never talked about what we’re doing.”
“I know.”
His attention returned to me. “Then how are you so sure?”
I stepped closer. “Because the idea of leaving without you in my life feels wrong.”
He grew quiet, and I could see the moment it hit. “Rowan.”
“I mean it.”
He laughed softly. “I don’t even know what that would look like. I don’t know where I’d live. I don’t know how any of it would work.”
“We’d figure it out,” I replied even if I had no idea how.
“You keep saying that.”
“Because I mean it.”
He huffed a breath. “You make it sound easy.”
“I’m not saying it will be easy.” I moved even closer. “I’m saying it’s worth figuring out.”
He studied my face. “You really think that?”
“Yeah.”
“Even if it gets messy?”
“I’d love to get you dirty.”
That pulled a real smile out of him. “Don’t start.”
“Too late.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
Keaton glanced down at the floor, then back at me. “I’m not saying no.”
Relief hit so fast it almost made me dizzy. “You’re not?”
“No. I want to be with you too.”
Everything in me went still for half a second. Then I lifted my hand to his face and touched his jaw again.
He leaned into it automatically.
“You do?” I asked.
“Don’t make me repeat myself.”
I kissed him, and he kissed me back right away, his hand moving to the back of my neck, while mine slid to his waist. It started slow, but it didn’t stay that way for long. It never really did with us anymore. Not when we were alone.
He backed me up a step, then another, until the backs of my legs hit my bed.
I broke the kiss just enough to breathe. “Your idea of not having a plan got aggressive fast.”
He laughed against my mouth. “You’re welcome.”
I kissed him again, and his fingers dug into the back of my shirt.
He pulled back some to look at me. “Your parents could be home any minute.”
“Yeah.”
“And we should probably remember that.”
“Probably.”
He lingered for another second, then reached past me and pushed my bedroom door the rest of the way closed.
I pulled him back to me, our mouths crashing together again, messier this time.
His hands were already under my shirt, palms hot against my stomach, and mine were fisted in his hair, holding him right where I wanted him. I sat on the bed, dragging him with me.
We landed in a tangle of limbs, his weight pressing down on me.
He paused the kiss just long enough to pull my shirt over my head, then his, and suddenly his mouth was on my neck, sucking a mark onto my throat that I knew I’d have to hide later.
I didn’t care. All I could focus on was that I wanted more.
His hands worked on my belt buckle as I fumbled with his, our fingers clumsy and urgent. We managed to get each other’s jeans open, pushed down just enough, and then he slid down my body until he was kneeling between my legs. His heated stare met mine.
“You want me to suck you off?” he asked.
“You know I do.”
“Say it.”
“I want my dick in your mouth.”
That was all it took.
He leaned forward, and suddenly the world shrank to the wet heat of his mouth.