Chapter 17 Jace
JACE
“Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?” Jax asks as I jump down from the rock wall we use for free climbing.
“What room?” I shoot him a look and push my hair back from my face. “We’re outside, bro.”
“Are you going to argue semantics with me? Or are we going to talk about what’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on.” I point to the wall. “Are you gonna go, or are you admitting you can’t keep up with me?”
Jax levels me with a flat look. “Remember when you called me out for lying to you about what was going on with Myles? Now who’s lying to whom?”
“You’re lying to yourself if you think something is going on with me,” I say dismissively. “This sounds like a you problem, bro.”
“Really?” he asks in a flat voice. “You’re going to pretend like you haven’t been acting weird?”
“I don’t have to pretend because I haven’t been acting weird,” I say, scanning the rocky surface of the wall in front of me.
“You sure about that? Because from where I’m standing, you definitely have been.”
A wave of anger rises inside me like the tide, and I have to pull in a deep breath to push it back down so I don’t unleash it on my brother.
I’ve been waiting for him to start this conversation, but that doesn’t mean I want to talk about any of this.
Slowly, I turn so I’m facing him. “And how, pray tell, have I been acting weird?”
“How about the mysterious fights you’ve been getting into? Don’t think I haven’t noticed the bruises and marks you think you’ve been hiding from me.”
“Me getting into fights isn’t anything new.” I turn back to face the rock wall. Not because I’m itching to climb or even searching for a new route. I just need to not look at my brother right now because he’ll see right through my bullshit.
There’s only one person on the planet I can’t lie to, and that’s Jax. The same as he can’t lie to me. But that doesn’t stop us from occasionally hiding shit from each other. Or at least trying to.
“No, but hiding that you’re getting into them is weird.”
“What do you want me to say?” I ask, my eyes fixed on the wall in front of me.
“That I’m still getting used to the fact that you and Killer are always busy, and I get in trouble when I’m bored and left to my own devices?
” I toss him a quick look over my shoulder.
“Because news flash, asswipe, I’ve always been like this.
So if you’re going to spend all of your time with Myles, then I have to find ways to keep myself entertained.
And you know exactly how I do that, so none of this should be a surprise to anyone. ”
“If that’s the truth, then that’s exactly what I want you to say.”
“Well, it’s the truth.”
“Look at me.”
Slowly, I turn so I’m facing him, and instead of being met with the icy stare I’m expecting, Jax is looking at me like I’m a puzzle he’s trying to figure out.
“What?” I ask when he doesn’t say anything.
“What’s going on with you and Shane?”
“Nothing.”
He tilts his head to the side. “So he’s not the one you’ve been fighting with while you’re getting used to being left to your own devices?”
I don’t say anything, which is answer enough.
“And all those looks you’ve been giving him are just you fucking with him and have nothing to do with the fact that you’re hooking up?”
“You’ve been following me?” I ask sharply as more of that anger rises inside me.
“No.”
“Then how did you know we’ve hooked up?”
“Because you just told me.” He gives me a pointed look. “And falling for my bluff proves that this isn’t just you having some fun because you’re bored.”
I pin him with a glare. “So what if I have? You’ve never given a shit who I fuck around with. Why do you care so much now?”
“When was the last time you fucked around with the same person more than once?” he asks calmly.
I cross my arms. I know exactly where he’s going with this, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to make it easy for him.
“And when was the last time you actually enjoyed fucking around with someone?” he asks, a damn knowing smile tilting the corners of his lips.
I grind my teeth so hard my jaw cracks.
“That’s how I knew things were different with Myles,” he says, and the gentleness in both his tone and demeanor is enough to cut through my anger.
My brother and I aren’t the type to chit-chat about our feelings. Mostly because we don’t really have those, but also because there’s no point. Verbalizing things doesn’t change reality, and rehashing shit we’d rather not think about won’t help anyone in the short or long term.
But Jax isn’t just my twin brother; he’s the only person who understands how I’m wired.
If he thinks this is important enough to tell me when I’m a half step away from losing my shit and making myself an only child, then I can put the effort into listening to him and actually hearing what he’s saying.
“I knew things were different with Myles because I didn’t have to wear my mask around him.
I’ve never once had to pretend with him, and he’s the only person I’ve actually enjoyed being with.
The only person I’ve ever craved.” He gives me a long, thoughtful look.
“And something tells me you know exactly what I mean by that.”
I nod, just a quick tick of my chin. There’s no point lying to him. He already knows he’s right.
In all the years I’ve been hooking up, Shane is the only person who’s made me feel anything beyond mild interest and just enough physical attraction to get it up.
One thing about both Jax and me is that we’ve never labeled ourselves. People always assumed Jax was straight because, before Myles, he only hooked up with women. And because I’m equal opportunity, everyone assumes I’m bi or pan.
The truth is, we don’t feel attraction or lust like most people. For me, a hole is a hole, and genitals are just plumbing. I’m not particularly attracted to either gender, and sex is just a means to an end. A way to get a dopamine dump and have an O that didn’t come from my own hand.
But that was before Shane, and it’s getting harder to tell myself that the only reason I want him is because it’s fun, or that I’ll get bored with all of this once the novelty wears off.
Shane isn’t just the only person I’ve ever truly wanted—and the only one I’ve ever craved—he’s also the only one whose pleasure matters more than my own.
Seeing him come apart as I test his boundaries is next level.
And watching him fight his instincts to give in until he’s nothing more than a needy and desperate man who can give as good as he can get is way more satisfying than anything I’ve ever experienced.
He’s also the only person I haven’t had to play a part around, and even though he’ll never admit it, I know I’m one of the only, if not the only, person he’s ever fully dropped his mask around too.
And that knowledge is way more exciting than it has any business being.
“This thing between you and him has gone on for over three years,” he says softly.
“The fucking around part might be new, but there has to be a reason you haven’t gotten bored with the bickering and fighting after all this time.
And like you told me, if he makes you feel something, then maybe that’s worth holding on to. ”
“Are you ready to head back?” I ask abruptly.
He nods and wordlessly grabs our hoodies from the branch we draped them over when we started climbing.
He’s not wrong about any of it, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to admit it to anyone, not even myself.