Chapter 18
Kieran
Google Search
Q: I’ve tried to not have feelings for someone, but they won’t go away. How do I make myself stop liking them?
A: Many suggest that unrequited love is a common psychological theme for people and something one will experience at least once in their life. Would you like some exercises to mentally combat these feelings?
Q: No, I just need to stop liking them.
A: Often, people are attracted to others they aren’t compatible with, thus affirming the belief they’re not loveable. Would you like some mental exercises to help eliminate this belief?
Fuck you, Google.
Icharge into Grayson’s house, my thoughts whirling, but immediately regret it as I come to a screeching halt. Bella screams bloody murder.
I throw my hands up as Grayson chucks a pillow at my head. “Dude! You need to learn to fucking knock!”
“Ew! I’m fucking traumatized! Is this how kids feel walking in on their parents? If so, I really didn’t miss out on much.” I start to gag. “Cover up!”
“Thanks, Kieran,” Bella snarks.
Groaning, I drop down onto the floor, placing my head in my hands. “That’s not what I meant,” I mutter, not having the energy to come up with a funny quip to lighten the mood.
I can hear the rustling of clothes as Grayson and Bella jump off the couch and make themselves decent.
A date.
She’s going on a fucking date.
And he’s calling her Red.
“Kieran, what’s wrong?” Bella asks softly, and it shocks me when that question has my eyes beginning to burn and my throat closing up, not a single word coming out.
I keep my head firmly down so she doesn’t see the silver lining my eyes. “Did you know?”
“Know what?” Grayson asks.
I blink furiously to clear the tears before I lift my head and look pointedly at Bella kneeling in front of me. “Were you there when some twat at the bar asked her out?”
Bella stumbles back a bit, her jaw dropping before she can get control over her features. “Wait, this is over Layla’s date?”
“Oh fuck,” Grayson mutters before heading into the kitchen.
“Did you know?” I repeat again, needing to know.
And by Bella’s audible swallow and the shutter in her eyes, I have my answer. Shaking my head I can’t help but let my disappointment show.
“I’m sorry, Kieran, it was stupid. Cindy and I thought—”
“Cindy was there too?”
Grayson comes padding back toward me with a container. Holding it out, he takes a seat next to me. “Here, this will make you feel better.”
I look down to find Bella’s blueberry muffins sitting inside and…nothing. My stomach doesn’t grumble like it usually does, nor does my mouth water. I end up placing it down behind me. “I’m not hungry,” I murmur.
Grayson’s eyes widen as Bella gasps. “Now I know you’re really hurt over this.”
I throw my hands out. “Of course I’m hurt over this! I told you…I told everyone how I feel about her.”
Grayson places his hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay buddy, it’s just one date.”
“It’s not just one date. He called her Red!”
Bella’s nose wrinkles. “What does that mean?”
“She wouldn’t let me call her Red but she lets him call her Red?” I shake my head, groaning. “She’s fallen for him.”
There’s a snicker, and my eyes snap up to Bella. “Don’t you dare laugh at me right now. You of all people know how I feel about your best friend. I literally hounded you every day for updates about her.” I lean forward, emphasizing, “Over a year, Bella!”
Bambi ambles in from outside, her adorable face lighting up when she sees me. “At least you love me,” I murmur as I pat her.
“Okay, this is…” Bella blows out a breath before steeling her spine. “Layla doesn’t believe you actually like her.”
My head rears back before I look at Grayson in shock, but all he does is grimace. “It’s true, I’ve heard a few phone calls.”
“Hey! Those are private,” she scolds.
“Like the IceHawks chat is private too?”
“Touché.”
I wave my hand between them. “Hello, back to what really matters right now.”
Sighing, Bella looks to Grayson before going on. “She thinks you flirt with everyone and that it’s just…a game.”
My eyes practically bug out of my head. I must be pulling a weird face because even Bambi cocks her head at me. “A game? A game? Why the fuck does she think my feelings are a game?”
Bella shrugs helplessly before turning to Grayson for help. “Well, have you asked her out?” he offers.
“Many times, and she always says no.”
“Does she think you’re just…joking though?” Bella asks softly.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I take a steadying breath. “Are you telling me that Layla genuinely thinks I flirt with her because I flirt with…what? Every woman I meet?”
Bella winces. “Well…”
“I don’t flirt with everyone.”
Grayson gives me a pointed look.
“I don’t!” I say defensively, before adding softer, “Anymore.”
Bella clicks her fingers. “That right there.”
“What?”
“Layla doesn’t know you’re not a manwhore anymore,” Grayson supplies.
“Thanks,” I drone sarcastically. “Love being called a manwhore by my best friend.”
“Is there a better term to use?”
My lips purse. “I’m not sure.”
“Slut?”
“Nah that’s gross. Womanizer?”
“Fuckboy?”
“What about—”
Bella groans before clapping her hands together. “Jesus, you two and your tangents. Kieran, do you want help with Layla or not?”
I sit up straighter at that. “Yes, of course I do. I only want her. No one else.”
Her brow quirks.
I hold my hands out in innocence. “It’s true!” Turning to Grayson, I slap his chest, trying not to grimace when I feel the sweat from his…activities. “Tell her. I haven’t slept with anyone since the day I met Layla.”
“First of all, how the fuck would I know that? And secondly”—he lowers his head and voice—“seriously?”
“Yes! And you should know, I haven’t taken any puck bunnies back after games.”
“Well…yeah, but I don’t know about—”
Groaning in frustration, I run my hands through my hair. “I know I was a ladies’ man but why is it so hard to believe that I haven’t been with anyone?”
Bella clears her throat. “Kieran, I love you like a brother. You know that.”
“Yeah, and you’re my sister from another mother.”
She smiles at that. “Yes, and I say this with love, but you are notorious in the league for never getting attached to a woman.” Her eyes cut to Grayson before sliding back my way. “You’ve never even taken a girl out on a date before.”
I shrug. “Because I haven’t wanted to take anyone out on a date. Layla’s different, though. So how do I make her believe me when I say I only want her?”
Bella eyes me, scrutinizing, before she asks, “You really like her?”
“Yes, how is that not obvious yet?”
“Oh, it’s obvious,” Grayson chimes in.
“I just want to make sure this isn’t because she’s the first girl to say no to you.”
I scoff. “My ego isn’t that fragile.” But something in her expression has me pausing. I gape at her. “Oh my god, that’s what Layla thinks.”
Bella’s hand tips back and forth. “Maybe.”
“That…makes a lot of sense. Actually, I know what I have to do.” Standing, I snatch the container of blueberry muffins and point to my best friends as I run out the door. “I’m taking this as payment for scarring me with your sexcapades. Thank you for the help with Layla!”
“Kieran, wait!” Bella calls, but I’m already on my way.
“What the hell did we just put in his head?” I hear my best friend ask before I close the door.
“I have no idea,” Bella murmurs.
I’m heaving as I storm through my front door after running down Grayson’s long driveway. My entrance wasn’t exactly subtle, and Layla rounds the corner a second later, Emmy sitting on the couch behind her with some Barbies in her lap.
Layla’s hands are wringing together as her eyes, holding a hint of nervousness, lock on me. “Kieran?” She says it as more of a question.
Catching my breath, I point at her. “Kitchen.”
Her eyes widen at the demand but to my utter shock she follows me without complaint. She leans against the kitchen bench, biting her lower lip, and, fuck, that just does something to me.
Pacing the kitchen I have to admit, I didn’t think this through. I should take a day to sleep on it, but instead my heart tugs on my tongue and forces me to turn to Layla and blurt, “Don’t go on a date with him.”
Her lips part as those gorgeous blue eyes widen. “What?”
Pushing off from my spot, I move toward her, peering down at this fiery, soft, and gentle woman that I haven’t been able to stop thinking of since the moment I met her.
“Don’t go on a date with him,” I breathe.
She laughs, but I can tell it’s from nerves, not her usual carefree one. Her eyes dart away, as if she can’t face me.
“Do you really want to go on a date with him?” I ask as she falls quiet.
She begins to play with the corner of her T-shirt, rolling it tightly. “Honestly…no.”
Something in my chest loosens at that and I find it easier to breath until her back straightens. “But I promised myself that when I moved back here, I would start living my life, and part of that is putting myself—”
“No.”
Her head rears back. “No?” she asks incredulously.
“Not with him.”
My chest begins to restrict again, growing tight with the prickling sensation of anxiety.
Fuck, she really is going to go on a date with him.
Fucking bar twat.
“Kieran, you can’t—”
“Let me take you on a date.”
Her eyes snap to mine, flicking back and forth. “But I work for you.”
“So?”
She laughs, but its more disbelievingly than anything. “Kieran, we can’t.”
“Why?”
Her lips part, her mouth opening and closing, but no words come out. “W-why do you even want to go on a date with me? Why is it such a big deal if I said yes to a date? Is it because it’s with another man?”
Yes, I want to growl, but after learning she thinks I haven’t stopped flirting with her because she rejected me, I can’t admit that the thought of her going on a date with someone else literally makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I’ve wanted her for close to two years.
I’ve had to wait months, years, for some semblance of a relationship with her, and now that she’s in my life, the last thing I want to do is sit by and watch her fall for someone else.
Her lips purse as she studies me, and I see it. The moment a thought enters her mind and settles. It has me holding my breath as she seems to prepare herself. She drags herself to stand up taller, her chin higher.
“Fine, I won’t go on a date with him.” My smile stretches wide until she clicks her tongue and lifts her finger. “If you…help me.”
“With…?”
Her swallow is audible, her cheeks flaming, and whatever she’s mustering up the courage to say has me leaning forward with my heart in my throat. “I’ll do anything,” I whisper.
Taking a shuddering breath, she blurts out quickly, “Help me with my firsts list. Help me experience life and…teach me so I know what I’m doing.”
My heart soars, absolutely soars, only to plummet as she says those last few words.
“So you know what you’re doing,” I say slowly, so very carefully. “With…future partners?”
She nods. “Yes. I mean, you know what you’re doing with no-strings-attached relationships and I don’t particularly trust most men, but you wouldn’t hurt me.” Her large innocent eyes look up at me as she whispers, “Could I trust you to teach me?”
You’d think I’d be jumping for joy that Layla Carson is standing in my kitchen, her heart of pure gold, plush pink lips, and smattered freckles asking me to please her, but all it does is make me feel like I’ve been sucker punched.
Because why am I not good enough to date?
Why am I temporary to everyone?
What’s even more pathetic is that I want to say yes. If Layla will give me even just mere scraps, I’ll gladly take them. I’ll take whatever she gives me, because it’s Layla.
And I’ve wanted her since the moment I laid eyes on her.