Chapter 21
Layla
LAYLA
don’t freak out
BELLA
that’s instantly going to make me freak out
LAYLA
sorry
AHHH I don’t know how to say this
BELLA
girl spit it out!!!
LAYLA
I may or may not be going on a date with Kieran tonight
BELLA
shut the fuck up
SHUT THE FUCK UP
WHEN THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?
and why am I just now finding out????
HELLO???
you can’t drop a bomb and then not reply!!!
The corner of my lip curves upward as Bella’s name flashes across my phone screen. She doesn’t even give me a chance to say hello, her scream is so loud.
“What the fuck!”
Pulling the phone away from my ear, I wince. “Ouch, B, my ear is right here.”
She curses before lowering her voice. “Sorry, sorry, it’s just…I feel like I’m missing a lot of information. Did this happen after he left our place?”
Triple-checking that Kieran’s car isn’t in the driveway, I take Emmy’s hand and walk with her outside to the playground the team built.
Kieran left several hours ago, supposedly to get things organized for our date tonight. His lips were sealed, and he wouldn’t budge an inch on telling me what he’s planning. All he said was that I had to wear something cute yet comfortable.
Sighing, I relent, “It’s actually more complicated than just a date.”
“What do you mean?”
I’m not sure how to say this so I just power through. “Um, I may or may not have asked Kieran to be friends with benefits?”
The call falls silent. I pull my phone away to check the line didn’t drop.
“B?”
“Sorry, I…did you say friends with benefits?”
“Yes?”
“Is that a statement or a question?”
I groan. “Honestly, I think my brain short-circuited and I blacked out. By the time I came to, Kieran was agreeing to being friends with benefits.”
“Kieran agreed to it?” she says, surprise evident in her tone.
“After acting all high and mighty and asking me not to go on the date with the guy from the bar? Yeah, he did.”
“Huh.”
“Why is that so shocking?”
Rustling comes over the line, and by the clacking I can tell she’s starting to bake, whether from me causing her stress or not I’m unsure.
“Why just friends with benefits? Why not make it a real date?”
“Because he doesn’t date, and if he did, he’d just get bored with me,” I say as if that’s self-explanatory.
“But didn’t he ask you to go on a date with him?”
That makes me pause. “Well…yes, but—”
The sigh that comes over the line is long and weighty.
“Lil, I adore you, but do you think that maybe you’re reading this wrong?”
“No, this is Kieran we’re talking about.”
“Do you know that for sure?”
I can’t help but laugh. “Yes, I do. What do you think is going to happen? He’s going to want to start something serious at the same time he was just handed a three-year-old to raise? He has enough on his plate, B. He doesn’t need another burden.”
“You’re not a burden, Layla. Why would you think that?”
Her tone has gone soft, wary and gentle like she’s verbally walking through a landmine, and I suppose she is.
Twisting the hem of my shirt, the truth rises to the surface before I can stop it. “Who would want to date someone who’s sick? It’s committing to a lifetime of hospital visits and uncertainty.” Lowering my voice, I mumble, “I wouldn’t want to date the sick girl either.”
“You’re not sick anymore, and even at the peak of your health issues you were never just the sick girl. You know I hate that label.”
Her words begin to worm their way through to my heart before I stop them in their tracks. “I’ll always be sick, B. The medication is just a balm.”
She sighs over the line, her heartbreak and opinions made clear with just that one sad sound. Bella wants me to shed the skin and title I gave myself but I don’t think I can. I’ll always be her, deep down.
My lupus isn’t going anywhere—I’m just managing it.
I could wake up tomorrow and relapse and everything that I’ve come to love and cherish about my life would crumble. No wonder I have constant anxiety. No wonder my search history looks like I’m putting myself through med school.
I mean, look at Trisha—here one minute, riddled with cancer, and gone in the next breath. The only certainty in life is change.
But unfortunately, my reality holds two certainties.
Change is the only constant in life.
My lupus is here to stay.
Bella falls quiet for a moment, letting my words hang heavy in the air before she whispers, “I think you’re underestimating him.”
“And I think that us having fun with no-strings-attached is the best option for all parties involved.” I lower my voice so Emmy doesn’t hear me where she’s playing on the swing set.
“I’m tired of being a virgin. And I don’t find any of the guys I’ve seen attractive, let alone have felt comfortable enough with them to go all the way.
I trust Kieran and he clearly knows what he’s doing. ”
“At the end of the day you’re both adults and can do whatever you want, and I’ll support you every step of the way. I’m just worried someone is going to get hurt.”
I’d rather crash and burn than to never live at all, I want to say. But I don’t think she’d understand that. Most people wouldn’t, only those who have had to live a shell of a life for a long period of time, so instead I add, “Hence the no strings.”
“I’m not worried you’re the one who’s going to—”
I don’t hear the rest of what Bella says because suddenly the front door is opening. Snapping upright, I whisper, “He’s back, I have to go. I’ll see you soon?”
“Of course, have fun tonight, Lil. I love you, and be careful.”
“Always,” I say right before ending the call.
Perfect timing too, because Allie Crawford comes barreling into the backyard grinning from ear to ear. “Where’s my gorgeous grandbaby?”
I can’t help but mirror Allie’s smile as Emmy jumps from her spot and runs directly for Grayson’s mom. They collide, Allie scooping her up right, just as Kieran walks outside.
I stop dead in my tracks, my stomach heating. Kieran is wearing a tight-fitted deep navy shirt, the fabric clinging to his frame and accentuating his muscles, and I’m not sure what I should do—hide my blush, swallow my sudden drool, or avert my eyes because I can’t stop staring.
I can’t believe we’re doing this.
As I force my eyes away, I find a lopsided grin playing along Kieran’s face, his own eyes sparkling as our gazes collide and hold. A million words pass between us, the energy suddenly crackling with such intensity I’m worried lightning’s about to strike.
Kieran’s rough voice sends a shiver down my spine.
“Ready, sunshine?”
Climbing the stairs on shaky legs, I blow out a breath and whisper, “As I’ll ever be.”
“My mom texted that she’s on her way over to the house,” I announce, reading the text from the passenger seat of his truck. “Which, by the way, thank you. I can’t remember the last time I saw her so excited.”
Kieran smiles at me, one hand resting on the steering wheel as the other remains on the gear shift, the heat from his hand scorching my thigh despite no contact.
“Are you kidding? I need to thank her. Did you see how happy Emmy was when I showed her the toys your mom gave her? She deserves to be loved on.”
My smile is borderline whimsical. “That she does.”
“Your mom is a sweetheart. I can see where you get your personality from.”
“You think?”
“Oh yeah. Both of you are kind and caring but have this smart attitude with the right people.”
“Right people.” Clicking my tongue, I roll my head to face him. “You seem to be the only person who pushes my buttons enough to see that side.”
Kieran’s hand flexes on the wheel before he winks. “And aren’t I lucky for it.”
His lips twitch as he refocuses on the road, allowing me to wipe my clammy hands down my white, blue-flowered dress without him seeing.
“Any chance you’ll tell me where we’re off to now?”
“Nope,” he drawls lazily.
I’ve been asking him where he’s taking me since we left the house and every attempt has ended in failure.
“You’re hellbent on keeping this a secret.”
He flicks on his blinker. “I’m hellbent on making this a night you’ll remember.”
I whistle low. “Trying to ingrain yourself in my brain, Ashford?”
“Seems only fair considering you take up all the space in mine.”
My breath hitches, the air thickening as the car rolls to a stop at a red light. Kieran’s head turns my way, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.
A million thoughts fill his eyes, all of them moving at such lightning speed I can’t reach out and grasp one. I wish I could—I’d love nothing more than to crawl inside that mind of his and find out if he’s telling the truth.
I all but jump out of my skin when the car behind us honks. The light must have switched without us noticing.
Rushing to change the subject, I ask, “How did Emmy’s speech therapy go?”
I am interested. I just haven’t had a chance to ask him.
If I’m being honest, when I’ve been around him over the past three days, all I could think about was how Kieran Ashford , the hockey god on ice and in the bedroom said he wanted to help me with my life list. Then my thoughts would instantly go to how I will have to tell him about all the things I want to experience and my chest would get that tight tingly sensation.
Because a majority of those ideas were inspired by scenes I’ve read in books, and considering I have nothing to compare them to, I have no idea if my ideas should remain fictional.
It’s safe to say I’ve been selfish and completely in my head, although Emmy perhaps wasn’t the topic to move on to. Kieran’s entire frame tenses, his muscles coiling tight around his body like a snake protecting themselves. His grip on the wheel turns his knuckles white.
“Besides saying Daddy when she sees my hockey uniform, the therapist hasn’t gotten another peep out of her.”
“What does her therapist say?”
His sigh seems to come from the depths of his soul with how long and deep it is. “To not give up, to continue trying all the exercises.”
“Well to be fair, she was right about the music. Sometimes I catch her lips moving as if she’s miming the words.”