Chapter 38 Layla
Layla
BELLA
any news on your blood tests yet?
LAYLA
nothing
BELLA
how are you feeling?
LAYLA
better now
BELLA
and does that have anything to do with a certain hockey player?
LAYLA
maybe…
Kieran outright refused to let me pay for my books.
So much so he was prepared to kick up a fuss in the store. It’s the only reason I even allowed him to swipe his card. He looked at me with a mischievous smile and taunted, “You know I’ll do it.”
And yeah, I did.
He would have done whatever he could to make sure I didn’t pay a single cent on the books he carried around the store for Emmy and me.
He was patient.
Never rushed us for a single moment.
Didn’t go off and sit on his phone.
He stood, he watched, he listened, and he waited for us to hand him books.
I think it’s the most attracted to him I’ve been since I met him. Just that simple interaction in a bookstore. That, paired with the knowledge he spent his weekend building a library for me. I haven’t told anyone because I know they won’t be able to make sense of it. If I can’t, how will others?
How do I explain that my boss, the man who I’m also in an arrangement of friends with benefits with, spent over forty-eight hours building me custom bookshelves?
You can’t and I also can’t explain the feeling of rightness to anyone.
Besides…I’m far too afraid to make sense of it.
Emmy went to bed hours ago, and by the dim lighting in the library room, it’s well into the late evening, yet I’m too afraid to put my book down.
Kieran has been staring at me from the entryway.
Emmy and I were sitting in the reading chair looking through our new books and reading pages here and there. Emmy, now that she’s beginning to talk more, has started reading out loud sometimes. Just a few words, if she likes them.
It must have been hours before Kieran decided to break us apart and take Emmy away for dinner and a bath, insisting that I keep reading. So I did—I don’t have to be told twice.
That was a while ago, though. The second I felt those eyes lock on me, I couldn’t keep reading. I’ve been pretending to read for the past fifteen minutes. His gaze is searing my skin, making my blood hum with anticipation.
His voice sends a shiver down my spine. “How long are you going to keep pretending to read for?”
“However long you keep staring.”
Peering up at Kieran over the book, I see he didn’t escape Emmy’s wrath in the bath. His white shirt is splattered with water, molding to his body like a second skin and making my mouth water.
I’ve never been a girl obsessed over men with muscles but Kieran is different. You can’t not notice it. His body is cut to perfection, the hours in the gym on full display.
Leaning against the doorframe, he folds his arms over his chest, a brow quirking. “When I first came in you were blushing. Care to share what you were reading?”
I snap the book shut. “Absolutely not.”
“Come on, sunshine, share with the class,” he teases.
“It’s not your taste.”
“I can guarantee you that anything you like is my taste.”
Holding out the book, I call his bluff. “Go on, then. Read up on your taste.”
Pushing off the door, he strides toward me, every step as assured and confident as the smug grin plastered across his face. He leans forward, crawling onto the large reading chair, electricity sparking between us. “My pleasure.”
Taking the book, he sits in front of me, his back to me, but I can tell the moment he starts reading. The veins in his forearms protrude as he white-knuckles the book. His breathing grows labored, and I find I’m holding my breath as I watch him.
I’m not sure where this burst of confidence comes from, no idea what possesses me, but I’m suddenly moving forward, sliding my hands up Kieran’s back and over his shoulders, relishing in his warmth and heat. I dangle my arms over his chest, peering over his shoulder to see which part he’s at.
For once, I’m the one with my lips against his ear. “Find it to your liking…boss?” I purr.
The word snaps all of his self-control. With a groan of pure need, Kieran grips my arm, my waist, and swings me, lifting me up and placing me down on his lap.
He aligns us perfectly. The moment I come into contact with his hips, I gasp at feeling his hardness against my softness.
He slides his hands up my neck and cups the back of my head, holding me to him. “You, my sunshine, are teasing me.”
With this new surge, I lean forward, placing my hand on his chest, savoring the way he seems to stop breathing. “Not teasing if I’m all but begging.”
His brow quirks. “And what is it that you’re begging for?”
“You,” I breathe.
He swallows thickly, his eyes shuttering. “Keep talking like that and I’ll lose all control.”
“Good.” Pressing more of my weight down onto his lap, I roll my hips, a smile tipping the corner of my lips as he moans, his hold on me tightening slightly.
His hands rip from the back of my head, fisting them on either side of him.
“You know…” I say slowly, bending my head so I’m hovering just above him. “You still haven’t kissed me.” My tongue darts out to lick my lips. “You’ve made me come but you haven’t kissed me.”
His eyes flare wide open. “I’m well aware.”
“Is there a reason you’re holding back with me, Ashford?”
“A million and one.”
“I think you need to put your million and one reasons aside and rectify the situation.”
“Do you now?” he asks, his voice thick with heat.
Pulling back, I take in the way his fists are clenched, his breathing labored. “Do you want to kiss me, Kieran?” I ask bluntly.
His response is as quick as lightning. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Swallowing thickly I plunge into this rush of confidence and breathe, “Then hurry up and put us both out of our misery and kiss me, Kieran Ashford.”
The words have barely left my lips before his hands are back in my hair and he’s pulling me down to him.
The moment his lips connect with mine, fireworks explode.
Every nerve ending in my body alights and detonates. The electricity coursing between us makes me gasp, and Kieran groans, taking full advantage of the moment handed to him. He dips his tongue inside my mouth.
Passion ignites in me like never before, alongside a need I only ever thought I’d read about.
It’s a hunger that demands to be fed.
A need that demands to be met.
A want that cannot go unanswered.
As if hearing the call as well, Kieran grips me to him like the kiss is his lifeline, as if I am his oxygen and he will simply cease to breathe without my lips on his.
I slide forward, our bodies melting together and molding so there’s not an inch of space left.
We align perfectly in every which way, our hearts connected, beating in rhythm.
He cups my thigh and suddenly I’m suspended, gravity joining the party before I crash onto the reading chair, our lips never once leaving each other’s as Kieran moves over the top of me. He aligns our hips again, my back arching, the kiss deepening as we moan into each others mouths.
I’ve dreamed about this, have secretly fantasied what it would feel like to kiss Kieran Ashford, and not once has my imagination ever lived up to reality.
It barely gave him justice.
It’s extraordinary.
Life-changing.
Addicting.
Wrapping my arm around his neck I hold him to me, my hips seem to move of their own accord, seeking out friction. Kieran grunts as I slide my hand through his hair and pull him closer.
I need more.
I need everything.
I need him like I need air.
I rip my mouth away just long enough to heave out, “Please.” I go right back to kissing him, the hunger in me not yet satisfied, and by the way Kieran is holding me to him, his hand on my hip borderline bruising, I can tell he isn’t fulfilled yet either.
Perhaps we never will be.
“Kieran,” I gasp between kisses, wanting his lips to remain on mine forever.
“Sunshine.”
I moan at the nickname, whimper at the feeling of his hips gyrating against mine, and groan at the pleasure I’m embarrassed to feel already blooming.
Oh my god.
“Kieran, please,” I plead, needing him to give me all of him.
Suddenly, he rips his mouth away, pulling back. He fists his hand to his mouth, biting it, as if to physically stop himself from kissing me.
I’m heaving, my chest rising and falling rapidly, and I know my eyes are glazed, my cheeks red. The last time I felt like this was in the bookstore and in the parking lot of O’Malley’s.
Until it slowly dies as I look into Kieran’s eyes and see pain.
Scrambling to sit up, I place my hands on his cheeks, only to tear them off when he flinches at my touch.
“Kieran?” I ask hoarsely, panic replacing the pleasure that was coursing through my veins.
“I can’t.” The words seem to physically pain him.
“Can’t what?”
“I’m sorry, Layla.”
It’s like being hit by a truck.
“Oh.”
He shakes his head. “No, you don’t understand—”
“It’s okay, I do. I’m different than what you usually—”
“No,” he barks, and the word is so harsh you’d think I suggested murdering someone.
My eyes snap to his to find unending pain shining in his gaze.
“I can’t do this.” He points between us. “I thought I could. I thought I could take what you gave me, I thought I could be grateful for any scraps, but I can’t. Not when it feels this way, not when I know it would utterly destroy me to have you, only for you to walk away.”
Blinking furiously, I stammer, “I-I don’t understand.”
“Yes, you do. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself.
” He grimaces. “Fuck, Layla, I’m sorry, but I just can’t.
This isn’t just benefits on the side for me, this isn’t a learning opportunity.
This…this is everything to me. And experiencing all these firsts with you so you can prepare for someone else makes me want to stab my heart with a million knives because that would be less painful than the reality of you with someone else. ”
“But we…we agreed,” I say, because for some reason I can’t spit out that the thought of being with anyone else makes me physically ill, too.
I can’t say it.
Can’t seem to get my tongue to say the words.
I can’t god damn speak because despite everything he’s saying…he deserves to have someone in his life who doesn’t come with the baggage I carry.
He runs his hand through his hair, and my chest physically aches that it’s not running through mine.
“I know you have feelings for me. I’m not a fool.
You can’t have sparks like this with someone and have it be one-sided.
” He heaves out a laugh but it holds no humor.
“But I can’t keep pretending that you aren’t the thing that makes me excited to get up in the morning.
That I don’t count down the hours until I get to see you again.
That I don’t seek you out in a room full of people, that I don’t want to touch you every chance I can. ”
He swallows, avoiding my eyes as he whispers, “So until the day you make it abundantly clear you feel the same way I do, the day you stop ignoring the spark that courses between us every time we’re near…
I can’t be anything more than just a friend.
” He lifts his head, and I’m stunned to see silver lining his eyes.
“And I know I’ll probably regret this moment for the rest of my life but until you decide that maybe I can be worthy enough for you I can’t keep pretending this means nothing to me when it means everything.
” He clutches his chest in pain. “You mean everything to me, Layla, and I can’t have you be another person in my life that doesn’t want me back. ”
I’m utterly speechless.
My heart has stopped, utterly ceased to exist, to have this kind-hearted man sit before me with pain in his eyes thinking I don’t feel the same way for him.
But my tongue won’t move.
My mind won’t stop reminding me that I’m sick, that I’m waiting for test results, that I could be currently relapsing, that the freedom I found could be taken away.
That he deserves more than fleeting bursts of energy.
He deserves the world.
And that’s why when he stands, looking as if I slapped him, all I can see is how much it would hurt him more to see me wither away day by day.
I can’t be selfish.
So I let Kieran Ashford go.
And the second he leaves the room, coldness seeps into my bones, my blood no longer flows, and my soul… It knows it just lost its other half.
Within mere seconds, I know I’ve just made the most horrendous mistake of my life.
LAYLA
do you still want me to nanny for you?
KIERAN
of course I do
Emmy would murder me if you never came back
I’d never forgive myself if I lost you
so please stay
LAYLA
okay
I’ll stay