Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Jude
S ome people play their feelings close to the vest.
Someone could spend an hour with Tristan and never know how he actually felt about something unless he decided to reveal it. In a very different way, the same could be said for Bruce. You’d think he was casual and charming and then all of a sudden you’d face a reckoning you never saw coming.
Jess Korbel? The woman radiated her emotions.
She broadcasted them on the world wide web and to the far corners of the Earth. So when she stormed into the kitchen at zero-seven, I had no doubt my choice of words last night had come back to haunt me.
Thoroughly.
If I wanted to poke the beast, I’d probably say something like, “Morning, sunshine.” But as a beast myself, I knew better .
“I’m ready.”
I grabbed my keys. I would come back to the cabin after taking her home rather than try to prep everything I usually did before leaving. Plus, I needed some more food since I’d run through things a little faster than usual once she’d gotten her appetite back.
Bones sat in his triangle kitty pose and watched us for a moment. Jess moved toward the door, then turned back and said, “It was nice to meet you, Bones. You’re a good guy,” then flung the door open and marched out into the snow.
Bones and I shared a look before he stood and sauntered toward the living room, and I followed Jess out.
“You lead the way. I’ll follow, and if you need a tow, I’ve got what we need.” I hoped the roads wouldn’t be so bad, but there were a few miles up this way that wouldn’t have been plowed by the county. If we could make it out of there, we’d be fine.
Since I’d shoveled the driveway yesterday when the snow slowed, it wouldn’t be as treacherous either. I’d sprinkled sand down to help traction, too.
She didn’t speak, only paused for a moment before getting into her car and turning it on.
It was mercy and punishment we were in separate cars. I could feel her fuming as we descended the mountain slowly but surely. Whatever numbing agent that’d spread over me in the last few months as Omi had declined, then passed, had been washed away and I felt everything. Even her frustration through layers of metal and paint, as fictional as it sounded. Every moment between us the last few days had burned a hole through skin and sinew.
The roads were remarkably clear and only lightly wet when we reached the canyon, thankfully. We absolutely could’ve made the drive yesterday .
But I’m glad we didn’t.
I’d spent too much time thinking about her hand on my cheek. Her warm palm against the bristles of my beard, and the intensity in her eyes could’ve made me crawl for her… I’d been so close to telling her exactly why. Why.
But what I’d said was right. She wouldn’t want to hear the real reason. And yet, was this better? Was her storming around furious with me, hating me once again, worth it? Was there any difference between never telling her why and being the villain and finally admitting everything and her hating me anyway?
My pride.
My heart.
By the time I pulled up behind her at her little bungalow in one of the cheery Silverton neighborhoods within walking distance from downtown, I’d decided. I’d tell her everything, and she could deal with it however she wanted.
If it meant she only had more fuel to hate me, then so be it.
She slammed the car door. “You really didn’t need to follow me all the way here. Obviously, I made it just fine.”
Everything in me wound tight and words stuck in my mouth. “I?—”
She rolled her eyes. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, okay? I can’t imagine how hard it was to have me in your space all weekend. But now we’re back in the real world, let’s just go back to doing what we do best.”
My heart thudded heavy in my chest. “What’s that?”
Her shoulders rose and fell in a big exhale. “Hating each other.”
She turned and carefully plodded up the short walkway and began fiddling with her keys. She couldn’t just go, could she? Not like this.
Once her door opened, panic pushed me into action.
“Wait. Jess, just wait a minute.”
She turned, tucking her arms around her, and did as I asked.
Might be the last time.
“I reported Kurt because he assaulted a woman while we were TDY. What I said really happened.”
I’d said as much before. She should know this. But I had to start somewhere, and just now, the embers from each moment of the weekend were stoking into something more.
Her lips thinned, and by the set of her jaw, I could tell she was clenching it. I didn’t have much time.
“I told him he had to confess to you or I’d tell you. And since you knew Kurt as well as he let anyone know him, I’m guessing you can imagine how well that went over.”
She shifted on her feet but didn’t storm away, so I’d take that. She wasn’t rejecting the very notion that my version of events was true. Progress .
“I never did any of it to hurt you, but I wasn’t going to let him hurt anyone else, and frankly, I hated—” I swallowed, willing this next part to come out right. “I hated that he was cheating on you. And he made it clear it wasn’t a new thing.”
She blinked rapidly, then nodded once, but stood strong. My heart pounded in a riot of anxiety, hanging on this moment and her response.
“Why wouldn’t you have said that? I know you told me you didn’t lie, but he said—” She shook her head and looked to the sky. “God, he was such an unbelievable asshole.”
I didn’t verbalize my assent, but there was nothing I agreed with more. Distance from him and from the relationship we’d had before he’d made clear he was never really my friend had shown me he was never someone who had any but his own good at heart. Retrospect had highlighted and underlined it.
She straightened, and something about her posture made me certain she wanted to ask me something more. I wanted to tell her whatever she wanted—I needed it out there between us so I could move on.
“Go ahead. Whatever you want,” I prompted.
Her gaze found mine. “If you knew he was cheating, why didn’t you say anything? We were friends.”
Guilt and regret sliced at me, the familiar sensation cutting deeper after the last few days. “I never had proof before that TDY. And I… I was worried about my motives.”
Her brow furrowed. “What does that mean?”
Shit. Here we go.
I rocked to my toes, then planted my feet again on her wet front walk, not daring to approach her any closer. My pulse pounded in my ears and heat climbed my neck. Omi’s words rang in the back of my mind— Don’t hide away. Open your heart. I grunted through the thickness in my throat and ran a hand through my hair, then jumped off the cliff.
“Because I’d been in love with you for a long time. I didn’t want you with him.” I sucked in a breath. A mile-long sprint sounding like a cakewalk about now. Would she hate me even more? Or… not? I pushed on, forced out the rest. “I couldn’t be sure if I was making things up—creating reasons you shouldn’t be together, or whether what I’d noticed was reality. Not until I witnessed it myself.”
At the word love , she’d bent, almost like the sounds had formed a fist and struck an uppercut straight to her ribs. She bowed over thirty degrees, and her face was utterly stricken.
My chest cinched tight with worry and I bit down on the need to go to her—to take her by the shoulders and shake her, to make her understand me. To beg her to see I hadn’t meant to hurt her or betray her, even though now, all these years later, my choices looked like anything but love.
I had to get out of here. The ticking clock had officially struck midnight.
“I’m sorry.” It wasn’t enough, and I’d vowed to say everything. She hadn’t spoken, so what was there to lose now? Why not lay it out? Then I’d go. “I regret that I let my messed-up feelings distract me. And I’ll never forgive myself for it. But in the end, I don’t regret getting him removed from the unit nor do I regret that you didn’t marry him because he was the biggest idiot I’ve ever met.”
I let out a string of expletives before I could stop myself, my face and hands hot as my heart cranked with adrenaline.
“He had you , and that wasn’t enough, and Jess…” I swore again, overcome and nearly out of words. “You have to know that you’re… you’re everything. And that utter trash pile of a human being squandered what you gave him, and it said nothing about you. It only proved he was worthless by choice.”
She made a sound then, something like a groan or a gasp, and I had to go. I’d said more than I’d intended and now, I couldn’t wait another second.
“I’m sorry.”
And I was out. Back in the truck and on autopilot to the cabin. Forget stopping by the market or treating myself to takeout or anything else. I had to get out of here, out of Silverton, and back to the safety and solitude of my cabin and my cat and the life I’d had before she’d shown up and ruined everything.