Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Jude
D espite having almost an entire foot on her in height, I had to work to keep up with her as she button-hooked out of the lounge and down the hallway in what had to be just shy of a jog for her.
“Jess, wait.”
If she heard the desperation in my voice, so be it. I increased my pace until I reached her, daring to set a hand on her shoulder as we arrived at the end of the hallway, only a service entrance and a maintenance door interrupting the opulent wallpaper.
She whipped around and stepped back.
“I don’t understand you,” she said, fire in her eyes like I’d never seen. “I hate you.”
Where did this come from? How had we gone from sitting there so calmly to this? “What don’t you understand? I told you everything. ”
“You’ve told me nothing real and then you go and say stuff like that? ‘Sorry I broke your heart.’ What is that?”
I blinked. I thought maybe I should apologize for being the one to report him, though I had no doubt she agreed it was the right thing now that she believed—or I hoped she believed—he’d actually done what I’d claimed. Did she want me to apologize for loving her, too? I couldn’t.
I won’t.
She was so angry. I could feel it radiating from her like desert heat from the Sahara. We’d both been there at the crux of summer and this, rolling off Jess, was more intense.
“Why would you tell me that? At the very least, I thought we’d be honest with each other.”
“I don’t regret reporting him, but I am sorry it all blew up. I never wanted that—never felt good about you getting hurt, even though you deserved so much better than that asshat.” Couldn’t she see it?
She growled out a frustrated breath. “I don’t even care about that. I’m over it. That’s not even the point anymore.”
Disbelief ripped through me, followed by a trail of fiery frustration. Everything that came between us before had been rooted in her not believing me, in her taking Kurt’s word even though he lied to her and left her. And now, she was over it ?
No attempt to soften my reaction prevailed as words punched out of me. “What? You’re magically over the thing that has caused you to hate me for the last five years? Please enlighten me how that happened. I’d like to note the miracle and report it to the local authorities.”
Apparently, having a conversation while she wasn’t feverish and ill meant she got under my skin just like she always did.
She groaned through gritted teeth. “You said you were in love with me, right? And that messed you up enough you felt conflicted and didn’t know whether to tell me about your suspicions and as stupid as it is, I get it. As selfish as it is, I do get it on some level.”
This woman could shoot her shot and she did not pull a punch. I ran a hand through my hair and tried to find the chill I’d promised myself I’d maintain. “Okay, great. You get it. Then what is your problem? I don’t know what you want from me.”
Please, Jess, just tell me what you want from me.
Through the frustration with her, I teetered on an edge. Any second now, I might slip into begging her like I’d promised myself for so long I wouldn’t do.
Believe me. See me. Choose me.
I silenced the pleading voice and took a slow inhale, begging my body to calm down so I could stay in this moment, stay with her here in this hallway and not let this devolve into another version of our past mistakes.
She crossed her arms in a way that made it look like she was strapping on a shield. “I want you to tell me why the hell you didn’t tell me you had feelings for me sooner. Why you weren’t man enough to be honest. Why you couldn’t tell me for the years and years and years after that you’d felt the way you did.”
She’d inched closer to me, stretching her neck and somehow growing taller with her frustration.
This sparked real anger in me and I blew past the thrill of having her this close. “I would never have told you I had feelings for you after you were with Kurt. What would’ve been the point? I’m not that kind of person. You chose him—I took the note.”
She let out a bitter laugh, but I continued. “And after? You wouldn’t look at me, let alone talk to me. We could hardly tolerate being in the same room those first few years, and obviously, things have gone perfectly here at Saint.”
She shook her head and seemed to be summoning strength from somewhere—maybe Athena was about to show up and assist her in finishing me off, if her expression was anything to go by. Murderously beautiful had a certain ring to it.
“So it all comes down to the fact that you’re just so honorable? You’re so good and ethical that you wouldn’t talk to me while I was dating him, and then you couldn’t force me to talk to you after? Is that it?”
This maddening woman!
“Yes. Yes, dammit, that is it. Because I’m not a jackass who’s going to force you into talking to someone you’ve convinced yourself you hate. Especially not when I?—”
Her gaze sharpened and she stepped forward, close enough we were almost touching. “When you what?”
I inhaled—fatal mistake. Her warm, fresh scent filled the space between us, and I took it in with greed. I was so rarely close enough to have this and she always smelled so good. I wanted to huff her like a drug, drag my nose along the soft skin of her neck. And maybe I’d kiss her there, just to hear the intake of breath—just to see if she’d push me away, maybe slap me, or maybe…
“Jude, what?”
There was still an edge in her voice, but it had curved into something new, and my name instead of Beast had me sucking in a breath. My eyes dropped to her lips, the perfect dip in her cupid’s bow and the plush bottom one I couldn’t look away from.
“Jude.”
My gaze cut to hers, and whether it was the frustration or the buildup of this conversation that’d gone absolutely sideways, or the way I’d left parts of me open instead of locked down tight, I told her the truth. All of it.
“I couldn’t talk to you after he left because I hated that I’d broken your heart, even if I’d done the right thing, but I hated even more that you’d broken mine.”
She reared back. “How?”
“You wouldn’t believe me. You believed that asshole cheater over me and I couldn’t take it. I was so angry with you, but I still…” No point in attempting to avoid it now, is there? “I still loved you.”
She shook her head. “No. You didn’t.”
“I did.”
She loosed an incredulous laugh. “There’s no way. You hated me.”
“ You hated me. And that does something to a man. Instead of begging you to talk to me, to see me, I decided I’d lean into all the rage and hatred you were giving me, and I’d let you have it right back. It was so much easier than the alternative.”
So much easier than feeling not only the loss of her, but of her total lack of faith in me. It was twisted and messed up, I wouldn’t dispute that, but I didn’t have anywhere to go with the mess of feelings she stirred up in me.
The shift from confusion and disbelief happened in a matter of seconds. Her jaw firmed and her gaze sharpened and pinned me. “How dare you.”
The words came out just barely louder than a whisper, and I swallowed hard. They were threaded with anger and hurt.
“I’m telling you what’s true.”
She inhaled. “You’re telling me you were so in love with me you couldn’t talk to me? That you chose to avoid me and hate me when I’m being a jerk instead of calling me on it? ”
Damn, she never would pull a punch. It was always something that drew me to her, but I’d been on the wrong end of the scenario for so long, it was a wonder I could still admire it. And yet I did.
I wouldn’t hold off from honesty… I hadn’t, and I wouldn’t start now.
“Yes.”
The atmosphere around us crowded in—the sounds of the live band shrinking to some point in the distance. My chest heaved, adrenaline firing through my veins so intensely, my hands shook.
“Because you were a coward? Because you really did hate me? If you loved me, how could you do that? It’s a nice story you’ve spun for yourself, but there’s no way that is the truth.” Her voice had gained strength and she’d gotten this wild look in her eye like she was on the verge of spinning out.
Like any second she’d leave, and no matter what I did, she wouldn’t turn back.
I’d had it with her resistance to the truth. She could be shocked by my admission, but she wasn’t about to call me a liar. I was anything but, and I wasn’t going to stand here and let her reject the truth because it made her uncomfortable. I wasn’t perfect, but neither was she, and I was done accepting the role of villain because I’d loved her and hadn’t known what the hell to do with it.
I took her face in my hands and spoke slowly. “You may not like it, Jess, but I did love you. Clearly, I messed up. I’ve never said I’m smart, only that I had my reasons, and I?—”
I didn’t get out another word because she grabbed me by the collar of my jacket and pulled me in, cutting off my words with a kiss.